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im tired of the "tests"

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pillman1224

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 8, 2015
Messages
688
ok to start off im sorry but BL ANY FORUM is my home i dont know where this belongs. but i need help. figured i should ask here because for the first time since 7th grade im ready to say im done with opiates. ive been clean off them for 2 weeks maybe 3 i dont like to count. anyways im tired of these tests of my sobriety. im living life like a normal 19 y/o just drinking and smoking weed (not a fan of NA approach obviously) also taper my benzos using weed at night. that doesnt matter what does is my grandma is gonna die soon (hospice on fent patch pretty fucking ironic considering it was my DOC) and i have to type paper on euthanasia and someone who i dont deal with anymore for trying to get me back into percs is blackmailing me and i had to block some numbers.

been going to gym and trying to get my life in order. why is this happening. again sorry if this is the appropriate place but i figured you guys would have some good advice. thanks and ill understand if im not welcome here cause of my unorthodox methods just family cant know shit.
 
Do you mean like people not believing you are really off opiates and quizzing you like "you look tired are you high?" that kinda stuff? Or more like old "friends" trying to get you back into using? If its the latter block there numbers and tell them exactly why you are not talking to them. If its your family then my advice is too just give it time. I have been off heroin for 10 months and the forst 3 or 4 they would quiz me about where I was going why I looked high ect. Now that its been awhile and they see my progress they don't question shit because the proof is in the pudding so to speak.

Your post is in the right place no worries on that. And we welcome everyone who wants to post here regardless of there "method". I am on methadone and smoke weed sometimes myself so your in good company.
 
cj said:
Do you mean like people not believing you are really off opiates and quizzing you like "you look tired are you high?" that kinda stuff? Or more like old "friends" trying to get you back into using? If its the latter block there numbers and tell them exactly why you are not talking to them. If its your family then my advice is too just give it time. I have been off heroin for 10 months and the forst 3 or 4 they would quiz me about where I was going why I looked high ect. Now that its been awhile and they see my progress they don't question shit because the proof is in the pudding so to speak.

Your post is in the right place no worries on that. And we welcome everyone who wants to post here regardless of there "method". I am on methadone and smoke weed sometimes myself so your in good company.
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its the latter i dont know how much i can get into but an 80$ rip off for bud (not saying quantity) then hits me up saying that the phone he left in car as he was ripping me off is his wife and will get the cops involved. its in another state though. btw its his wife if he is even telling the truth which i dont the guy is a career rip offer and when you are abusing opiates yer not thinking of anyone else ie. family protection as this person happens to be part of Dead Man Inc. im good in De if its under an oz but he cant get to me through college but others might. and he knows that some transacations happened on campus so. but if yer really DMI you wont snitch. its like God please just a small break. dont know if we can discuss religion but i feel as though it was a sign that dude was gonna get me killed. any one else. CH? Herbavore?
 
It sucks that you're going through all this stress while you're newly in recovery, but that's life. It's not a test (though I can definately relate, it sometimes feels like one). Addicts inherently don't deal well with stress, so it can quickly add up and be overwhelming. However, most people (norms) go through the same stressors and manage fine. You need to learn coping mechanisms if you want to live a healthy life. When I got sober I thought I was going to lose my mind, and similar to you, it seemed that everything piled on me at one time, of course during early recover. Now that I have a few years sober I've learned that it's not so much what is going on around me but how I react to it and let it affect me. The second biggest thing going on right now second to your recovery is your grandmother being ill. Try to live in the present and spend time with her, and focus on the positive moments you hve shared together. It seems like a lot of the other stuff is drug related, which may be getting you spun up right now, but in the grand scheme of things is nothing. If you want to be healthy you need to eliminate unhealthy people from your life. Remove and "friends" who are triggering you to use opiates. Delete their numbers, block them from contacting you, eliminate them from your life. As for the guy who ripped you off - sucks you lost $80 but he has no integrity - get rid of him. You don't need people like that. If you remove your using contacts/buddies from your life it will make recovery much easier and will reduce the amount of drama your are confronted with. Now back to stress - you need to find what works to keep you at a calm level (not drugs). There are many tips and tricks. Personally, I recommend cognitive behavioral therapy. Breathing techniques can also help tremendously, along with a healthy diet (also don't let yourself get too hungry) and adequate sleep. Regular exercise helps me better control my stress. I try to walk five miles a day in nature. Yoga and meditation help tons of people. If all else fails and you need a quick situational fix, Indural (propranolol) works wonders and is not habit forming - it stops the adrenaline response. One last piece of advise, when you're super stressed try to live in the moment. You are allowing external factors to internally affect you. Try to minimize the severity of your reaction, especially if something is out of your control. If it is within you control, instead of responding with anxiety, develop a game plan for how you are going to deal with it.

Sorry for the long ramble - it's pretty late for me. You seemed to be stressed so I wanted to respond before going to bed. Kudos on your 3 weeks free of opiates! That's a huge accomplishment!
 
x_benzo_girl said:
It sucks that you're going through all this stress while you're newly in recovery, but that's life. It's not a test (though I can definately relate, it sometimes feels like one). Addicts inherently don't deal well with stress, so it can quickly add up and be overwhelming. However, most people (norms) go through the same stressors and manage fine. You need to learn coping mechanisms if you want to live a healthy life. When I got sober I thought I was going to lose my mind, and similar to you, it seemed that everything piled on me at one time, of course during early recover. Now that I have a few years sober I've learned that it's not so much what is going on around me but how I react to it and let it affect me. The second biggest thing going on right now second to your recovery is your grandmother being ill. Try to live in the present and spend time with her, and focus on the positive moments you hve shared together. It seems like a lot of the other stuff is drug related, which may be getting you spun up right now, but in the grand scheme of things is nothing. If you want to be healthy you need to eliminate unhealthy people from your life. Remove and "friends" who are triggering you to use opiates. Delete their numbers, block them from contacting you, eliminate them from your life. As for the guy who ripped you off - sucks you lost $80 but he has no integrity - get rid of him. You don't need people like that. If you remove your using contacts/buddies from your life it will make recovery much easier and will reduce the amount of drama your are confronted with. Now back to stress - you need to find what works to keep you at a calm level (not drugs). There are many tips and tricks. Personally, I recommend cognitive behavioral therapy. Breathing techniques can also help tremendously, along with a healthy diet (also don't let yourself get too hungry) and adequate sleep. Regular exercise helps me better control my stress. I try to walk five miles a day in nature. Yoga and meditation help tons of people. If all else fails and you need a quick situational fix, Indural (propranolol) works wonders and is not habit forming - it stops the adrenaline response. One last piece of advise, when you're super stressed try to live in the moment. You are allowing external factors to internally affect you. Try to minimize the severity of your reaction, especially if something is out of your control. If it is within you control, instead of responding with anxiety, develop a game plan for how you are going to deal with it.

Sorry for the long ramble - it's pretty late for me. You seemed to be stressed so I wanted to respond before going to bed. Kudos on your 3 weeks free of opiates! That's a huge accomplishment!
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and im in DE
thanks for the advice cant spend time with grandma as she is in WV
 
Explain what happened again please. I think this guy is just blowing smoke, and if he gets the law involved just tread lightly. Get rid of what you have. They can't bust you for sales after the fact. They need to catch you red handed.
 
manboychef said:
Explain what happened again please. I think this guy is just blowing smoke, and if he gets the law involved just tread lightly. Get rid of what you have. They can't bust you for sales after the fact. They need to catch you red handed.
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got a missed call and voicemail today after waking up from party . voice mail was him threatening me "you better have security with you at the college your gonna get carted out" i just dont want the heat at college idk if he has a way to get there? im truly terrified. if he comes to my house 870 is waiting. he says hes DMI though so? jeez right when i decide to straighten out.
 
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If he is robbing you for eighty dollars chances are no gang would tolerate him. He is an opiate addict. Chances are he is just talking all kinds of garbage because he has pretty much exhausted every resource he has.

I wouldn't fear him, I would pity him. If you have given up opiates, you know the desperate places one can fall to.

I would just not contact him at all. Forget his number. If he is robbing you of eighty dollars he really doesn't have the resources to do anything to you or your family. The only thing this guy can do is bring you back to places that will lead you to using again. If your goal is to stay clean you are going to run into people from your past and you will need to learn to brush these people off.
 
manboychef said:
If he is robbing you for eighty dollars chances are no gang would tolerate him. He is an opiate addict. Chances are he is just talking all kinds of garbage because he has pretty much exhausted every resource he has.

I wouldn't fear him, I would pity him. If you have given up opiates, you know the desperate places one can fall to.

I would just not contact him at all. Forget his number. If he is robbing you of eighty dollars he really doesn't have the resources to do anything to you or your family. The only thing this guy can do is bring you back to places that will lead you to using again. If your goal is to stay clean you are going to run into people from your past and you will need to learn to brush these people off.
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wow chef that was quick thanks. problem is he is more of a people user not drugs. hes like the guy that knows everyone for everything but has none of it on hand the "middleman" if you will. so if he was an addict id brush it off but he honstly does sound dangerous. i had a serious temptation to use from stress which is weird cause i never took opiates for stress. just out of curiosity what makes ya think a gang wouldnt tolerate him i want to believe you and am trying but am in honest fear here. i put my mom through enough cant go to cops as of right now.

oh and onced he uses you and yer done ie limited supply im guessing that has something to do with the rip off as if this was truly his wifes phone why would she want it in his dads mailbox when they dont live together. also had no sim card in it. kinda looked like one in store brand new galaxy s4 black no sim

edit- i know the places one can go to. i never ripped someone off even during high dose oxycodone wds. its just not in me. he doesnt have that excuse i could tell if he was an addict. only seen him smoke weed and get fucked up on benzos (valium once)
 
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thought i would post again to give an update. grandma died. parents got the news 830am et i got it when i woke up at 1130. im not sad i know she has had a place waiting for her with the Lord. but im really still worried about this guy as he did threaten to get me on campus in the voicemail. then the next i think hes prob an addict who ran out of resources. this is a legit question that will help solve the issue. when he would text me to bring cough cough then say take out 5 for me. (they were benzos) why would he do that if he is not an addict. im just really worried about his connections. now and if i do see him at the college.
 
This guy is nothing to be worried about. Chances are he doesn't have the resources to go into business for himself so he "middlemans" to either supply himself or look bigger than he is.

The biggest thing that you can do to aid your recovery is to just forget this guy. Focus on you. While you are at college just be wary. Do you know what Occam's Razor is? It is the statement that the most likely explanation for something is more than likely the right explanation. The most likely explanation for this guy is that he ripped you off for eighty but lost his phone in your car. This is a net loss for him considering the phone is probably worth more to him than eighty dollars. He is trying to come out on top with what limited resources he has...which I can't stress enough that if he uses people and needs to rob for eighty dollars chances are he is incapable or too lazy to do it on his own. Stay strong, focus on your recovery, remember your grandmother and celebrate her life, and just take it easy. If you are scared than he has gotten in your head. Don't let him rent space there.
 
manboychef said:
This guy is nothing to be worried about. Chances are he doesn't have the resources to go into business for himself so he "middlemans" to either supply himself or look bigger than he is.

The biggest thing that you can do to aid your recovery is to just forget this guy. Focus on you. While you are at college just be wary. Do you know what Occam's Razor is? It is the statement that the most likely explanation for something is more than likely the right explanation. The most likely explanation for this guy is that he ripped you off for eighty but lost his phone in your car. This is a net loss for him considering the phone is probably worth more to him than eighty dollars. He is trying to come out on top with what limited resources he has...which I can't stress enough that if he uses people and needs to rob for eighty dollars chances are he is incapable or too lazy to do it on his own. Stay strong, focus on your recovery, remember your grandmother and celebrate her life, and just take it easy. If you are scared than he has gotten in your head. Don't let him rent space there.[/QUOT

thanks chef. one more problem and i might start anew on this. my first time with opiates was with 4 5mg hydros that were my grandparents. blah blah bad middle school narcotic addiction blah blah. end of 10th grade i was almost 2 years "clean" (drinking every weekend and it was vodka and redbull which damaged my heart permanently) what happened? 4 5mg hydros. I DO NOT want history to repeat its ;elf if ya catch my drift any advice guys ill be there tomorow and instead of nodding out at the funeral i think the emotions that i will fell i need to. i dont know if i can handle seeing my grandfather cry and fuck i keep thinking of myself. not him THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.
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Feeling emotions is very healthy. Your grandfather crying is a very healthy emotional response to losing someone you love. Comfort him, it will help to express your emotions as well.

If you do not want to repeat your past then recognize the mindsets you had that led to active use and recognize them in yourself.
 
That guy sounds like a punk lol. Doesn't have the resources to properly deal so he's reduced to being a "middleman". Plus I don't think that a legitimate member of an illegal prison/street gang would threaten to bring the police into a situation like the one you describe. threatening another person with getting the police involved in a dispute is highly frowned upon in any subculture I've seen that involves illegal activity, and I'd imagine much moreso in an organization like a illegal gang

Usually if I have a possession of someone's I'll try and get it back to them, just cuz it's the right thing to do, but if you feel that he's just dicking you around then tell him to go fuck himself. I'm not a violent person at all, I hate violence actually, but when people threaten me it makes me enraged...I imagine it's the same for most people.
 
Burnt Offerings said:
That guy sounds like a punk lol. Doesn't have the resources to properly deal so he's reduced to being a "middleman". Plus I don't think that a legitimate member of an illegal prison/street gang would threaten to bring the police into a situation like the one you describe. threatening another person with getting the police involved in a dispute is highly frowned upon in any subculture I've seen that involves illegal activity, and I'd imagine much moreso in an organization like a illegal gang

Usually if I have a possession of someone's I'll try and get it back to them, just cuz it's the right thing to do, but if you feel that he's just dicking you around then tell him to go fuck himself. I'm not a violent person at all, I hate violence actually, but when people threaten me it makes me enraged...I imagine it's the same for most people.
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I know right? This guy sounds like a punk....pitiable rather than fear inducing. Pillman has got nothing to worry about from this guy.
 
went to grandmas viewing today. to be honest i had a monkey on my back giving me 1,000 reasons a minute to pick up and use. hell on the car ride there it was all i thought about. if you ever watched that show rescue me. when the son gets hit by a drunk driver Tommys cousin at the funeral says "no one would blame you if you had a drink" it was just like that. seeing and hearing my grandfather cry when he talked about her is one of the hardest things i have ever had to hear. I COULD TASTE THE FUCKING PILLS IN MY MOUTH AND THEY WERENT THERE. tommorow is my grandmas funeral and will also be my 30 days clean off opiates for the first time in over 3 years. im still working on getting my benzo dose down. i think i might have posted this as an update im not sure. i dont want to go back to square one. ya know?
 
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