I''m the same junkie I always was

I haven't had a car for awhile now.

I spent too much money on drugs and not enough on bills and when this happens, things like 2007 Nissan's that you bought with your sparkling, can't believe it's this good at 20-years-old credit score get repossessed.

So my parents drive me around because they don't trust me with their car--and they shouldn't, I realized yesterday.

As far as they are concerned, I've been clean for almost 6 months now...that's very untrue. I was clean just under 3 months, and now have been on a just over 3 month binge, cleaning up for 5 days at a time once a month so I don't drop dirty for probation.

I'm definitely still a junkie, but I thought that I was over the "pawn all my stuff and when I run out pawn other people's/stores' things" phase. I lost a lot of my own nice things this way and got arrested again.

But as I was crossing the highway on my way to rehab, in the passenger seat of my dad's car, I had this overwhelming urge to hop on the highway, pawn my ipod and go score.

Had I gone through with it, it would have been the 4th iPod I pawned.

So, I now take it as a blessing in disguise that I don't have access to any cars.

 

Me and my man spent $11,000 in one month on heroin, and that was buyin a couple bricks at a time (Do they got bricks in the chi? Idk. its 50 bags tho.) so it aint like we was buying a little at once, and just overpaid and thats why it added up so fast. no we were gettin hookups and good-ass deals on bulk amounts and still managed to do that fucking much diesel.

fuckin, 11 g's yo! In a month? WTF!!

it made me realize how bad of a junkie i was and also that once the money ran out, i had stopped havin to hustle and scheme for a month. when u go from havin allll the money you could need for your bags, and then it stops and youre used to coppin 100 bags at once and then you have to go back to scheming and grinding up enough money just to get 8 bags, it really makes u feel like a miserable piece of shit. ive lost alot cuz of dope and no matter how long I stay clean no matter wat, Every time that I pass that sign on route 80 that says "Paterson" man I gotta fight the urge. But usually i dont fight it at all.

 

Jebus Lacey. Up until last year, I hadn't made more than 11K in a year. I'm sorry if this hits a bit close to home for you, but the most recent photo that you posted in the lounge was a bit shocking. You don't look bad, but you look unwell.

IIRC your opinion on tapers is that they require too much willpower. I'm not going to ask you to do anything crazy like quit, but cut back to maintenance levels. Maybe try to reduce it a bit from there in a month or two. Just judging from your posts, you seem like a great, fun person, and you deserve better than to be stuck living from fix to fix.

Think about it?