When I ordered broadband I promised myself I would start writing in my blog more. At the moment I only tend to write in it when I'm having a particularly emotional and stressful time. I feel like it would be a really good idea to try and document days when things aren't quite so awful... because I feel like I focus only on the hard times.
I'm doing administrative duties at my work which means that I don't have to sit and answer customer queries by telephone. This makes me happy because I'm great at admin and pretty shit at phone calls. My days pass much more quickly than when I'm on the phone which is obviously a good thing. I'm working between 8am and 4pm this week so I get finished up at a decent time which allows me the evening to myself.
Mostly in the evenings I sit and watch films or tv. Sometimes I listen to music or play my guitar and sing. I post things on my Tumblr blog. It's rare that I see anyone during the week unless it's at work, or at the supermarket, or on my way home from work. Some might say it's a bit of a lonely life. I guess to some extent it is but I feel happy this way. If I wanted to see people I could, but I'm very much a lone wolf and I need this time alone to restore myself.
I got a lift with Stephen after work so that was great as I didn't have to get a bus.
Bumped into Colm (my best friend) at the supermarket. He gave me a lift up the road which was great. He went home though, didn't stay, he said his ear is playing up. He's got Menieres and it makes him pretty miserable. He's so vulnerable sometimes, I just want to give him a big hug. He and his fiancee live in seperate towns and they only seem to spend weekends together. They've had a really tough time and it's really affected him. To be honest I'm not really convinced they should be together but I guess he doesn't really share the good times with me, he only really talks about things when they are bad, which has been most of the last two years so I guess my view is biased. Don't get me wrong, I like his fiancee, I was friends with her and it was me that introduced them... but I just feel that if after two years and countless break-ups, and her inability to understand him or emotionally support him... it's just not right. I guess just because things don't look good from the outside doesn't mean they aren't good when you're in the relationship. It's just that I also know that people stay in destructive relationships because they think that love is sometimes enough to salvage things. From experience sometimes love isn't enough and love can destroy just as easily as hatred can. I sometimes think that it can't be right that when he's depressed, when he's ill, all that stuff... he comes to me. I know that I'm his best friend and that's why he does it but sometimes I feel like if I was his fiancee I would hate it if my guy had such a close emotional bond with another female. Colm and I are so close that I always know when there's something wrong even if I haven't seen him. I can tell when he's not sleeping, I know when he's going to have a Meniere's attack. We text each other randomly at the same time. It's me that he texts at 4am when he's feeling shitty about life, not her. And it should be her. But I love him, and he loves me, and we've always looked after each other. I couldn't ever let him down. When I met him I was in a real state and it took tough love from him to bring me back to anything even resembling normality. I'm still what seems a long way from ok but I dread to think what might have happened if we hadn't met. I met him just a few weeks after my ex finished with me, and a week after my friend got killed in an accident. Randomly I started talking to him one night outside a pub when I was out drinking with my friends. We'd all got together to support each other and it felt like drinking was the only way we could try and cope at that point. I started talking to him and it turned out he knew my friend too. In some ways it was almost fate that we met. If it hadn't been for Murray I don't know if Colm and I would be so close. Although I would do just about anything to bring Murray back. He was such a genuinely good person and what happened was so awful, so tragic, and so needless.
I've imposed a bit of a Facebook blackout. I get so sick of it, it seems like such a good way of communicating but it stresses the fuck out of me. I used to love interacting with people through social media, I "know" so many interesting people but now that it's full of people that I have met in real life I just can't stand it. I got rid of it for at least three months but ended up going back on as I do like posting lots of music and photographs from events that I've taken my camera to. I think it's because of F. He's a guy that I hung out with a few times over the last few years. I really liked him but he's given me such short shrift and he only seems to speak to me when it suits him and I can't be bothered with it.
I think I've come to the conclusion that although I'm lonely as fuck I just don't have the ability to deal with a guy at the moment. My heart is so battered and bruised that sometimes I don't know if I will ever be ok again. I've had one great love in my life (Cub) and I don't think anything could ever reach that level of desire and love. I'm blatantly not equipped with the social skills to have a successful relationship. I'm bloody crazy. Guys don't tend to understand me. I push people away. I destroy love. I am not willing to go through that again and maybe I just don't deserve it. I put Cub through so much.
The only salvation that I really have is music. Singing is about the only thing that fills that space in my soul if only for a few minutes. Listening to music that speaks to me, like Morrissey, and the Cure, things like that... they make me feel things and it's ok because it's safe when a song evokes emotion. It's only dangerous when a person evokes emotion.
I suppose I should go and try to get settled for bedtime. I'm having a can of cider and listening to Christina Perri. Bit pop oriented but her song "the lonely" really speaks volumes for how I feel right now. I slept in for work today so I need to be in on time tomorrow as I had my appraisal today and it went much better than I had expected. I don't want to let them down. I need to finish at 4pm so that I can pick up my prescription and drop in to see how my tattoo design is coming along. I feel like once the tattoo is being done that I will start to feel better. Sometimes I feel that when I get tattooed it marks an ending of a time in my life and the start of a new era. It sounds a bit sick but sometimes the pain helps. I used to self harm when I was younger. I couldn't do it now, even if I was tempted, but I have to admit that the pain of a tattoo helps me release a bit of the anger and grief that I feel for some of the things that have got locked up inside of me.
There's things that have happened to me that people don't know about, and that haunt me. I'm starting to learn how to let them go... but I feel so bad about myself that sometimes it's easier to beat myself up with things I couldn't control because I feel like I deserve to be punished for having been a shitty person for so long. I wish I had a chance to absolve my past. There's so much that I'd do differently. I know I can't change the past... but I don't know how to start over.
I'm doing administrative duties at my work which means that I don't have to sit and answer customer queries by telephone. This makes me happy because I'm great at admin and pretty shit at phone calls. My days pass much more quickly than when I'm on the phone which is obviously a good thing. I'm working between 8am and 4pm this week so I get finished up at a decent time which allows me the evening to myself.
Mostly in the evenings I sit and watch films or tv. Sometimes I listen to music or play my guitar and sing. I post things on my Tumblr blog. It's rare that I see anyone during the week unless it's at work, or at the supermarket, or on my way home from work. Some might say it's a bit of a lonely life. I guess to some extent it is but I feel happy this way. If I wanted to see people I could, but I'm very much a lone wolf and I need this time alone to restore myself.
I got a lift with Stephen after work so that was great as I didn't have to get a bus.
Bumped into Colm (my best friend) at the supermarket. He gave me a lift up the road which was great. He went home though, didn't stay, he said his ear is playing up. He's got Menieres and it makes him pretty miserable. He's so vulnerable sometimes, I just want to give him a big hug. He and his fiancee live in seperate towns and they only seem to spend weekends together. They've had a really tough time and it's really affected him. To be honest I'm not really convinced they should be together but I guess he doesn't really share the good times with me, he only really talks about things when they are bad, which has been most of the last two years so I guess my view is biased. Don't get me wrong, I like his fiancee, I was friends with her and it was me that introduced them... but I just feel that if after two years and countless break-ups, and her inability to understand him or emotionally support him... it's just not right. I guess just because things don't look good from the outside doesn't mean they aren't good when you're in the relationship. It's just that I also know that people stay in destructive relationships because they think that love is sometimes enough to salvage things. From experience sometimes love isn't enough and love can destroy just as easily as hatred can. I sometimes think that it can't be right that when he's depressed, when he's ill, all that stuff... he comes to me. I know that I'm his best friend and that's why he does it but sometimes I feel like if I was his fiancee I would hate it if my guy had such a close emotional bond with another female. Colm and I are so close that I always know when there's something wrong even if I haven't seen him. I can tell when he's not sleeping, I know when he's going to have a Meniere's attack. We text each other randomly at the same time. It's me that he texts at 4am when he's feeling shitty about life, not her. And it should be her. But I love him, and he loves me, and we've always looked after each other. I couldn't ever let him down. When I met him I was in a real state and it took tough love from him to bring me back to anything even resembling normality. I'm still what seems a long way from ok but I dread to think what might have happened if we hadn't met. I met him just a few weeks after my ex finished with me, and a week after my friend got killed in an accident. Randomly I started talking to him one night outside a pub when I was out drinking with my friends. We'd all got together to support each other and it felt like drinking was the only way we could try and cope at that point. I started talking to him and it turned out he knew my friend too. In some ways it was almost fate that we met. If it hadn't been for Murray I don't know if Colm and I would be so close. Although I would do just about anything to bring Murray back. He was such a genuinely good person and what happened was so awful, so tragic, and so needless.
I've imposed a bit of a Facebook blackout. I get so sick of it, it seems like such a good way of communicating but it stresses the fuck out of me. I used to love interacting with people through social media, I "know" so many interesting people but now that it's full of people that I have met in real life I just can't stand it. I got rid of it for at least three months but ended up going back on as I do like posting lots of music and photographs from events that I've taken my camera to. I think it's because of F. He's a guy that I hung out with a few times over the last few years. I really liked him but he's given me such short shrift and he only seems to speak to me when it suits him and I can't be bothered with it.
I think I've come to the conclusion that although I'm lonely as fuck I just don't have the ability to deal with a guy at the moment. My heart is so battered and bruised that sometimes I don't know if I will ever be ok again. I've had one great love in my life (Cub) and I don't think anything could ever reach that level of desire and love. I'm blatantly not equipped with the social skills to have a successful relationship. I'm bloody crazy. Guys don't tend to understand me. I push people away. I destroy love. I am not willing to go through that again and maybe I just don't deserve it. I put Cub through so much.
The only salvation that I really have is music. Singing is about the only thing that fills that space in my soul if only for a few minutes. Listening to music that speaks to me, like Morrissey, and the Cure, things like that... they make me feel things and it's ok because it's safe when a song evokes emotion. It's only dangerous when a person evokes emotion.
I suppose I should go and try to get settled for bedtime. I'm having a can of cider and listening to Christina Perri. Bit pop oriented but her song "the lonely" really speaks volumes for how I feel right now. I slept in for work today so I need to be in on time tomorrow as I had my appraisal today and it went much better than I had expected. I don't want to let them down. I need to finish at 4pm so that I can pick up my prescription and drop in to see how my tattoo design is coming along. I feel like once the tattoo is being done that I will start to feel better. Sometimes I feel that when I get tattooed it marks an ending of a time in my life and the start of a new era. It sounds a bit sick but sometimes the pain helps. I used to self harm when I was younger. I couldn't do it now, even if I was tempted, but I have to admit that the pain of a tattoo helps me release a bit of the anger and grief that I feel for some of the things that have got locked up inside of me.
There's things that have happened to me that people don't know about, and that haunt me. I'm starting to learn how to let them go... but I feel so bad about myself that sometimes it's easier to beat myself up with things I couldn't control because I feel like I deserve to be punished for having been a shitty person for so long. I wish I had a chance to absolve my past. There's so much that I'd do differently. I know I can't change the past... but I don't know how to start over.
