ATriumphForHuman
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 20, 2016
- Messages
- 27
I just turned 22, and I realized my life goals are fucking impossible, at least statistically. Luckily for me I have a fucking time limit attached to them, lol. A young long-term relationship is impossible for me. No one my age would ever be interested in a socially anxious, resourceless person such as myself, and by the time I fixed my problems and I'm ready, I won't be fucking young anymore.
I'm terribly sorry, I don't mean to sound hostile, but this will get venty. You guys have no idea how much pain I'm in right now. I'm losing myself!
Let me tell you how anxiety RUINED my fucking life, and why LSD may be my only hope at this juncture.
I've been anxious ever since I was 15. I pissed away my education because of it, and now I'm uneducated. Have had focus issues/ADHD like symptoms ever since, and I'm unable to attain new information or read in a straight line for longer than 10 seconds. Because of not being educated, I can't relate to anyone.
My SA is so bad I will not be able to hold a job right now, let alone two. I come from a family that struggles financially. My dad is (figuratively) dead. My mom can't help me with my situation. I have no friends. I've been isolated for the past 2+ years.
Oh yeah, I've never worked or driven a car because of my anxiety as well. So I'm broke. I was denied disability multiple times the past 2 years, after getting it for years before.
Why am I so obsessed with this "young love" bullshit? Well when I was 12 I was taken out of school due to family abuse. During this time, my parents were too busy fighting to keep a real eye on me and they let me and my powerful stupid mind unravel. I spent the next 3 years completely alone and isolated. I shut off reality and daydreamed. For some reason, the idea of having a young long term relationship (foundation: early 20s/before age 25/before prefrontal cortex develops) spoke to me, and fascinated me. I just wanted to fucking grow with someone beautiful, damn it. I wanted to express my love and care to that person, show her how much she means to me, show her my love for weather and music and photography and humor and whatever, express my cool life to her. And she'd do the same. Just grow together and watch each other evolve throughout the years. And have kids with her. And we'd try our damned hardest to stay together. That's all I fucking wanted. It wasn't that it would complete me or any of that bullshit. It was just for what it was- a true love adventure. Knowing that could be waiting in the wings helped me get through every damn day. My intense daydreaming helped me get through the abuse without PTSD and it did not affect me the way it could have affected a normal person.
You see, it's Asperger's that probably caused that abnormal reaction to family abuse. But it's a double-edged sword. It caused me to completely fixate and obsess over unrealistic goals. I mindfucked myself. I never did anything to improve my life from age 12 onwards to the ripe age of 22. (Yes, I know that's young, but fuck, I feel old) So now I have to spend an enormous amount of time improving myself in a short amount of time so I can be able to find someone. I'm a fucking wreck right now: with my high standards, WHO THE HELL out of that partner/dating pool would be interested in me right now? That's fairy tale talk lol. Plus, I'm VERY short, which further exacerbates my situation. My chances of accomplishing my goal in the next two years are equivalent to Bernie Sanders' chances at the beginning of this month of winning the Democratic nominee. Maybe worse. So I concede.
But I can't simply brush off the failure, have a new perspective and start fresh. I'm SUICIDAL over this stuff. Seriously. It's one thing to consider the idea on an intellectual level, but I cannot emotionally tune into the idea that my goals were fucking stupid and that true love like that doesn't last and that I should stop giving a fuck and start a new life. It's impossible for me. I've always perceived love as an adventure, and I cannot change my perspective - I'm completely fixated on the adventure aspect of it. Since it is 99.999999999% impossible for someone like me to experience it young, a huge part of the adventure will be missing, causing me to feel empty.
Therapy has NEVER helped me, neither have psychiatric drugs, group therapy, meditation. Trust me, I've tried it all. Every drug out there, every therapy technique. Tried exercising but *could not* get into the routine, no matter how hard I tried. I've had therapy of some sort ever since I was 4 or 5 years old. Nothing helped me. I'm not sifting through mental hospital after hospital for the rest of my life. I need to change my perspective in order to be able to be a healthy human being.
You see, I've always been the type that says FUCK SETTLING. It leaves a hole in my emotional well-being and I feel imprisoned. I've always been like that, ever since infancy. That's something I can't just change, or brush off, or deal with. At this juncture, the only way I won't settle is if I start over (I need to stress I CANNOT do this in my current mental state and it will take YEARS drug-free), and this will sound silly but hear me out, it likely will involve ego destruction. I realize that I don't know much about psychedelics due to my godawful mental state right now, but I know that I've read personal experiences and people with similar brain chemistry (probable autism, anxiety, etc.) have claimed that their "lives were saved" from this. Since I have NOTHING to lose anymore, LSD is my only hope and I might even consider starting at a high dose as well. I'm willing to go through INTENSE pain for a few hours just to save the rest of my life from, in a metaphorical sense, fucking leeches draining my emotional state.
I'm not saying LSD will definitely cure me, but again, at this stage of my life it's worth a shot.
Here are my questions:
Is LSD likely to help me? How should I go about this if so?
If LSD will totally screw me up, even at a low dose, are there any drugs that will help me deal with this emotional crisis?
Also:
I would strongly prefer non-judgmental feedback. You can call me insane, delusional, self-absorbed, entitled, a pussy. You can say I need a reality check and I need to grow the fuck up. That I need "real problems". That my perspective is wrong (which I already admitted). That I should go to Africa or a third-world country. Or whatever. Maybe you're right but look, honestly: is that really going to help someone like me? It's hard to understand how someone like me perceives the world. So I don't expect you to. You'd just be telling me something I already know. I just want an answer to both of my questions, please, thank you....
...and please, do not tell me to go see a therapist or psychiatrist. I might be wasting my time writing this because I know 25-50% of whoever responds to this will, even though I have been for pretty much all my life.
I'm terribly sorry, I don't mean to sound hostile, but this will get venty. You guys have no idea how much pain I'm in right now. I'm losing myself!
Let me tell you how anxiety RUINED my fucking life, and why LSD may be my only hope at this juncture.
I've been anxious ever since I was 15. I pissed away my education because of it, and now I'm uneducated. Have had focus issues/ADHD like symptoms ever since, and I'm unable to attain new information or read in a straight line for longer than 10 seconds. Because of not being educated, I can't relate to anyone.
My SA is so bad I will not be able to hold a job right now, let alone two. I come from a family that struggles financially. My dad is (figuratively) dead. My mom can't help me with my situation. I have no friends. I've been isolated for the past 2+ years.
Oh yeah, I've never worked or driven a car because of my anxiety as well. So I'm broke. I was denied disability multiple times the past 2 years, after getting it for years before.
Why am I so obsessed with this "young love" bullshit? Well when I was 12 I was taken out of school due to family abuse. During this time, my parents were too busy fighting to keep a real eye on me and they let me and my powerful stupid mind unravel. I spent the next 3 years completely alone and isolated. I shut off reality and daydreamed. For some reason, the idea of having a young long term relationship (foundation: early 20s/before age 25/before prefrontal cortex develops) spoke to me, and fascinated me. I just wanted to fucking grow with someone beautiful, damn it. I wanted to express my love and care to that person, show her how much she means to me, show her my love for weather and music and photography and humor and whatever, express my cool life to her. And she'd do the same. Just grow together and watch each other evolve throughout the years. And have kids with her. And we'd try our damned hardest to stay together. That's all I fucking wanted. It wasn't that it would complete me or any of that bullshit. It was just for what it was- a true love adventure. Knowing that could be waiting in the wings helped me get through every damn day. My intense daydreaming helped me get through the abuse without PTSD and it did not affect me the way it could have affected a normal person.
You see, it's Asperger's that probably caused that abnormal reaction to family abuse. But it's a double-edged sword. It caused me to completely fixate and obsess over unrealistic goals. I mindfucked myself. I never did anything to improve my life from age 12 onwards to the ripe age of 22. (Yes, I know that's young, but fuck, I feel old) So now I have to spend an enormous amount of time improving myself in a short amount of time so I can be able to find someone. I'm a fucking wreck right now: with my high standards, WHO THE HELL out of that partner/dating pool would be interested in me right now? That's fairy tale talk lol. Plus, I'm VERY short, which further exacerbates my situation. My chances of accomplishing my goal in the next two years are equivalent to Bernie Sanders' chances at the beginning of this month of winning the Democratic nominee. Maybe worse. So I concede.
But I can't simply brush off the failure, have a new perspective and start fresh. I'm SUICIDAL over this stuff. Seriously. It's one thing to consider the idea on an intellectual level, but I cannot emotionally tune into the idea that my goals were fucking stupid and that true love like that doesn't last and that I should stop giving a fuck and start a new life. It's impossible for me. I've always perceived love as an adventure, and I cannot change my perspective - I'm completely fixated on the adventure aspect of it. Since it is 99.999999999% impossible for someone like me to experience it young, a huge part of the adventure will be missing, causing me to feel empty.
Therapy has NEVER helped me, neither have psychiatric drugs, group therapy, meditation. Trust me, I've tried it all. Every drug out there, every therapy technique. Tried exercising but *could not* get into the routine, no matter how hard I tried. I've had therapy of some sort ever since I was 4 or 5 years old. Nothing helped me. I'm not sifting through mental hospital after hospital for the rest of my life. I need to change my perspective in order to be able to be a healthy human being.
You see, I've always been the type that says FUCK SETTLING. It leaves a hole in my emotional well-being and I feel imprisoned. I've always been like that, ever since infancy. That's something I can't just change, or brush off, or deal with. At this juncture, the only way I won't settle is if I start over (I need to stress I CANNOT do this in my current mental state and it will take YEARS drug-free), and this will sound silly but hear me out, it likely will involve ego destruction. I realize that I don't know much about psychedelics due to my godawful mental state right now, but I know that I've read personal experiences and people with similar brain chemistry (probable autism, anxiety, etc.) have claimed that their "lives were saved" from this. Since I have NOTHING to lose anymore, LSD is my only hope and I might even consider starting at a high dose as well. I'm willing to go through INTENSE pain for a few hours just to save the rest of my life from, in a metaphorical sense, fucking leeches draining my emotional state.
I'm not saying LSD will definitely cure me, but again, at this stage of my life it's worth a shot.
Here are my questions:
Is LSD likely to help me? How should I go about this if so?
If LSD will totally screw me up, even at a low dose, are there any drugs that will help me deal with this emotional crisis?
Also:
I would strongly prefer non-judgmental feedback. You can call me insane, delusional, self-absorbed, entitled, a pussy. You can say I need a reality check and I need to grow the fuck up. That I need "real problems". That my perspective is wrong (which I already admitted). That I should go to Africa or a third-world country. Or whatever. Maybe you're right but look, honestly: is that really going to help someone like me? It's hard to understand how someone like me perceives the world. So I don't expect you to. You'd just be telling me something I already know. I just want an answer to both of my questions, please, thank you....
...and please, do not tell me to go see a therapist or psychiatrist. I might be wasting my time writing this because I know 25-50% of whoever responds to this will, even though I have been for pretty much all my life.
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