Mental Health I'm starting to feel as if life has been programmed to be negative for me.

Soul Garden

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2014
Messages
65
I'm starting to really feel as if my life has been programmed to be negative. Programmed to not have friends, a chance in life, etc... I don't want to go into to much detail really. I already have a different post in this section with a lot of details actually. I don't know what to do. I just feel so cursed. I don't even really like thinking about a possibility of my life being programmed the way it is because that's a BIG sign of a psychotic disorder such as Bipolar, Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective, etc... Yet, I really feel like my life is that way. I don't want to grow up like this and I refuse to take any anti-psychotic drugs in fear that they'll worsen current conditions. Feeling like this is very dark and gloomy. It's a dark and gloomy much different from your average dark and gloomy. It feels really weird and greatly affects me. I somewhat understand this kind of thinking is making it worse for myself, but I can't get over it. Nothing goes good for me. I'm always getting the negative side of life and don't know what I did to deserve it. I'm only fucking 18 and shit's already going down for me. I can't express feelings to other because they find me to be crazy and stupid.
I don't want to live all the years I have ahead me in a black hole. It's a horrible feeling. It's a VERY dark and miserable feeling. I feel condemned to be alone my whole life without a real career or home. I feel like it's programmed to be this way. Like something is playing a big fucking joke on me. I almost feel as if an external force is making it happen. I hate even mentioning that because it makes me question whether or not I'm on the verge of psychoses. The physically ill go treated, while the mentally ill are treated cruelly by their society. This would make everything a thousand times worse...
 
You don't sound psychotic to me, just upset. You are right about the way our society treats the mentally ill.

As for the programming hypothesis: do you think it is your external environment that is programmed that way, or you? Do you think it's a coincidence that you suffered what sounded like an awful childhood and adolescence, and you are now unhappy?
 
I can't tell if it's coincidence or programming. I have no friends, and when I say no friends, I mean NO FRIENDS. No one wants to be my friend and everyone just makes fun of me for stupid reasons. I lack required social skills because of this. I've gotten nothing but negative my whole life and feel as if I will die a very sad, lonely and brutally painful death as a nobody with no real career or home. I'm not allowed to express thoughts, philosophy, politics, problems in the world, etc...(I stick with intellectual subjects) or I get called stupid and crazy. People stay away from me and won't come near me. Every "friend" I've had leaves me after about a week. I don't know what I did wrong and never do anything wrong. I can't expect myself to ever get anywhere in life If I live alone. I don't have status. I don't have anyone. I'm not popular and I'm seen as a loser. I won't have any potential business partners in life. I've already failed and it's not me that's causing it.


I'm REALLY starting to believe it's something else and I don't know why it chose to fuck with me. I just want to be fucking happy. There's absolutely no fucking way I can get rid of the constant despair/depression/hopelessness feeling. I'm prescribed 300mg of Wellbutrin, which helped a little at first but doesn't do shit now. Some days I take up to 900mg in hopes that'll produce enough dopamine to make me happy. This also fails. I don't even know why I continue my Wellbutrin. Maybe just because it's a damn good potentiator of DXM(I only do this in small doses every couple of months, so please don't sit here and say that DXM is making me go psychotic and is making me think/feel this way.) All my Wellbutrin really does is make me have strong hallucinations at night time in the dark of scary shadow figures/creatures, glows, waviness and distortion of objects, sometimes the figures might have glowing yellow eyes for a split second like the glowing yellow eyes you see on that scene of "Amityville Horror" when the mother is tucking her daughter in bed. More hallucinations...



Anytime I'm about to get a chance to do something, the chance fails. If I look forward to something, whatever it is I'm looking forward to fails. Everything fails. I've failed... I constantly contemplate suicide everyday but won't do it until I know whether or not my life will get better, whether or not whatever is doing this will go away, whether or not there is an afterlife that I favor etc... I don't want to see a psychiatrist or psychologist who's going to pump me up on sedatives, anti-psychotics, MORE anti-depressants, and other useless pills... They don't even give a fuck what's going on. They just care that a patient has came in, described his symptoms, and that now this gives the psychiatrist a chance to prescribe pills in which he will make money from...



I worry most about my career though as a rock musician. I don't want to be part of some shitty underground/garage band that'll never get noticed. I actually want to achieve fame and fortune. I don't want to play just to play, I want to make it somewhere. This is most likely not going to happen. I even feel as if my life was PURPOSELY thrown 40 years ahead of where it should've been. I'll try to sleep around 11:00, then I'll get up around 3:00 noticing that my anxiety and depression has had me laying in bed the whole time awake...



I don't want to grow up to get a shitty job that requires a goddamn piece of paper from school that says DIPLOMA - *name here*. What in the fuck does goddamn PAPER prove!?!? The school system is corrupt as hell and doesn't even really teach to teach. Every teacher I've ever had always said, "We gotta teach you guys this stuff to get ready for the FCAT(Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test)" I'm spending years of my fucking life just to do good on a GODDAMN test!?!? What in the hell does this prove? It only proves ability to memorize when FORCED to, not actual knowledge. I can't even talk about this with people because they're convinced they're getting this amazing education that'll get them ready for life. I'm told that I just don't want to learn and that I have problems to address. I read all day everyday. I do NOTHING but read ALL DAY about subjects that interest me such as psychology, psychedelics/hallucinogenics/dissociatives(psychoactives in general), politics, science, the cosmos, spirituality, nature, our universe, COMPLEX SUBJECTS!



My life sucks ass, but one thing I do know is that I'm not fucking stupid like everyone thinks I am. Is it not "stupid" to ridicule and disregard information like this without understanding it first? This is what my peers do... My intelligence compared to my peers is genius. They think they know life and everything about up and down have restrictions and limitations on how they live by following the trends of mass media, staying on those horrible cell phones day in day out, believing what they are told rather than what they have experience or researched, acting like jackasses with no real sense or logic. And I'm the fucking stupid one? I'm the ones who's crazy, because I know how to make decisions for myself rather than have mass media do it for me? I do think my life is somewhat programmed to be horrible but at least I recognize self freedom and the fact that I can live without restrictions and limitations on my life.(My view on life would be that of a nihilistic existentialist)



This also means I must be a depressed loser for having thoughts like this. No one understands me. With the way they all act, think, and flock together they understand each other. They make no sense, lack real logic, they're a herd of "innocent" sheep. I don't understand them. I don't understand why my peers act the way they do, why they follow the media, why their minds are so easily penetrated, why they refuse to think and realize that they could be free bu prevent their selves from being that way. Why is it other people can be happy? Why is it they accept each other if all they're doing is looking into a big ass mirror that reflects many different people but the same personalities? I understand that minds that think alike come together but I don't understand why minds that seem like they're copied and pasted come together. Why can't there be a diverse person to look for or someone who probably thinks different? Does being with people who think exactly the same and act exactly the same as one another not get boring? Maybe it's just a reinforcement of power and popularity. It makes them feel as if they're loved and have a damn fine reason to live.



These groups ridicule the hell out of me, only when they are together. When alone, they do nothing. People talk shit but won't do shit. The act of "doing" can't be done by any of these people until they feel they're 5 to 1. They can't get by alone like I can. I've been alone my whole life ALMOST. I can support myself and get by but still feel as if some external force will prevent me from doing so... I have the ability to make my own decisions without putting restrictions and limitations on my life. I now wonder whether or not I'm condemned to live this way, or if the majority of the "copied and pasted" people are condemned to live stupid and controlled. Is it that I lack friends because my life is programmed that way, or is it that these people are to inconsiderate, lack thought, and too stupid to accept me? Is it that I'm the different one and that difference is perceived as a threat? Could it be that I know too much and talk about things they know nothing of? Is it my intelligence that is a threat? The only people I've ever met that accept me are bluelighters and people on other forums.



This is another thing. I'm called a "dumbass" when I even mention psychedelics/hallucinogenics/dissociatives... I try to explain you can do MUCH more with these than just get "high". I try to explain medicinal benefits, spiritual benefits, how substances can be a journey and very enlightening when taken right, etc... My peers stick to the "brain damage" theories that our government has made up... My peers refuse to actually cite any source that they get their information from, besides school, which is a government owned institution... Some smoke weed all day everyday. They sit on their asses, doing nothing and believing that they are rastafarians... If they would fucking do some research they'd find out there's a lot more about rastafarianism than smooking "Da Herb" all day... First off, if they are rastafarian then that means they believe that one of the Jamaician dictators, leaders, whatever they have up there, back in the 1930's or something was the reincarnation of Jesus, and that they WORSHIP him. They're so dumb and stupid. Why is it that I'm the one who is called dumb and stupid?



I can't and never will forgive these fucking monstrosities... I don't even believe in forgiveness because all it does is say, "Okay, you can just do whatever you did in the first place A-FUCKING-GAIN". With all the talk of me being stupid, dumb, crazy, worthless, how in the hell will any of them believe that I could be a potential friend or potential business partner in the future? How in the hell can I expect to have people there for me and expect to have a fucking career? If I want to be a rock musician, I need other guys. I've been looking for years and haven't found ANYONE. It's like my life is programmed for that to happen, like I'm just going to fail epicly at everything I ever do. i can't expect to get anywhere with anyone in life. I don't want to grow up to get some shitty job thats fucking invades my goddamn privacy and drug tests me randomly eve though I may do EXCELLENT at wherever I'm working. I don't want any traditional bullshit like that. I don't want to be stuck in what I call "Life's Loop". It's a line at first. The line represents childhood and freedom. It might get some kinks, knots, ziz-zags, curves in it as you go through childhood events. Then you reach adult hood and this is where you fall into "Life's Loop". It's a fucking ipod on "Loop/Replay" mode until the battery dies. The ipod being life, the battery being the person. Get up, go to work, come home from work, eat dinner, 4-5 hours of freedom until you have to go to bed to do... Guess... GET UP, GO TO WORK, COME HOME FROM WORK, EAT DINNER, 4-5 HOURS OF FREEDOM UNTIL YOU HAVE TO GO TO BED to do... guess again? To live "Life's Loop"...



Why live like that? I absolutely refuse to do so and feel as if my lifes destiny is to do just that. I can't be like this, constantly depressed and anxious, feeling as if my life is programmed to be negative, feeling like I won't get anywhere. I can't even express the feelings with words. It's not a normal feeling... It's almost kinda like when you feel depression on a psychedelic trip. It's overpowering yet mystical... I can only describe it with colors, sights, situations, and pictures. I don't feel right. I feel very weird. I search for answers everyday, I ask questions, I THINK. I probably think too much. The thinking is probably driving me insane. I can't stop it though. I have racing but disturbing thoughts that keep me awake and prevent me from doing anything. Most of my energy is spent walking back and forth just thinking about situations, my life, events, my career, etc... I'm constantly tired and lethargic. I just don't know what to do...
 
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You don't sound crazy to me, you sound like you're going through the same thing a lot of people your age go through. Take your pain and focus it onto your art (music), some of the best art ever made was born from misery. Don't worry so much about getting rich and famous, just focus on being the best artist you can be and people will start to notice.

You're 18 now, old enough to move out on your own. Have you considered a change of scenery? If everyone sucks where you are now maybe you just need to go out and find where the good people are.
 
I'm trying to finish school so I can go ahead and get a "Diploma"... I plan on getting some kind of job that requires a diploma but don't know where to start. I don't want to get a job that I don't enjoy. I really want to get out of where I'm at and move somewhere around the beach area.(In Florida as of right now) With all the people at the beach, the clubs, the bars, I should meet some people.
 
I can't tell if it's coincidence or programming. I have no friends, and when I say no friends, I mean NO FRIENDS. No one wants to be my friend and everyone just makes fun of me for stupid reasons. I lack required social skills because of this. I've gotten nothing but negative my whole life and feel as if I will die a very sad, lonely and brutally painful death as a nobody with no real career or home. I'm not allowed to express thoughts, philosophy, politics, problems in the world, etc...(I stick with intellectual subjects) or I get called stupid and crazy. People stay away from me and won't come near me. Every "friend" I've had leaves me after about a week. I don't know what I did wrong and never do anything wrong. I can't expect myself to ever get anywhere in life If I live alone. I don't have status. I don't have anyone. I'm not popular and I'm seen as a loser. I won't have any potential business partners in life. I've already failed and it's not me that's causing it.

Thoughts like this are completely normal for a depressed person. In my lower moments I'm prone to thinking people would be HAPPIER if I was dead. This is a delusion, but it is not paranoia, just extreme pessimism.

You sound like the sort of person I would be friends with. Consider reframing your approach to the 'programming' idea. Has reality itself programmed you to have no friends, be born too late to break into rock, etc. or has it programmed you from childhood to be unhappy and to perceive things this way? If you look into developmental psychology, you are inevitably going to find that the prolonged stress you have gone through naturally leads to the state you're in, and that you're not alone.

I'm REALLY starting to believe it's something else and I don't know why it chose to fuck with me. I just want to be fucking happy. There's absolutely no fucking way I can get rid of the constant despair/depression/hopelessness feeling. I'm prescribed 300mg of Wellbutrin, which helped a little at first but doesn't do shit now. Some days I take up to 900mg in hopes that'll produce enough dopamine to make me happy. This also fails. I don't even know why I continue my Wellbutrin. Maybe just because it's a damn good potentiator of DXM(I only do this in small doses every couple of months, so please don't sit here and say that DXM is making me go psychotic and is making me think/feel this way.) All my Wellbutrin really does is make me have strong hallucinations at night time in the dark of scary shadow figures/creatures, glows, waviness and distortion of objects, sometimes the figures might have glowing yellow eyes for a split second like the glowing yellow eyes you see on that scene of "Amityville Horror" when the mother is tucking her daughter in bed. More hallucinations...

Stop taking Wellbutrin. (Don't go cold turkey.)

I worry most about my career though as a rock musician. I don't want to be part of some shitty underground/garage band that'll never get noticed. I actually want to achieve fame and fortune. I don't want to play just to play, I want to make it somewhere.

I'd rather fail at something I love than fail at something I hate.

I don't want to grow up to get a shitty job that requires a goddamn piece of paper from school that says DIPLOMA - *name here*. What in the fuck does goddamn PAPER prove!?!? The school system is corrupt as hell and doesn't even really teach to teach. Every teacher I've ever had always said, "We gotta teach you guys this stuff to get ready for the FCAT(Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test)" I'm spending years of my fucking life just to do good on a GODDAMN test!?!? What in the hell does this prove? It only proves ability to memorize when FORCED to, not actual knowledge. I can't even talk about this with people because they're convinced they're getting this amazing education that'll get them ready for life. I'm told that I just don't want to learn and that I have problems to address. I read all day everyday. I do NOTHING but read ALL DAY about subjects that interest me such as psychology, psychedelics/hallucinogenics/dissociatives(psychoactives in general), politics, science, the cosmos, spirituality, nature, our universe, COMPLEX SUBJECTS!

This is what college / university is for. I met some of the most fascinating friends I've ever come across at university, while studying literally all the things you just mentioned. The academia element still sucks and is exhausting for someone with depression, but you know what? You can just walk into classes without even having signed up for them. You don't get that piece of paper, but you do get to learn, and to meet people. Have hope.

My life sucks ass, but one thing I do know is that I'm not fucking stupid like everyone thinks I am. Is it not "stupid" to ridicule and disregard information like this without understanding it first? This is what my peers do... My intelligence compared to my peers is genius. They think they know life and everything about up and down have restrictions and limitations on how they live by following the trends of mass media, staying on those horrible cell phones day in day out, believing what they are told rather than what they have experience or researched, acting like jackasses with no real sense or logic. And I'm the fucking stupid one? I'm the ones who's crazy, because I know how to make decisions for myself rather than have mass media do it for me? I do think my life is somewhat programmed to be horrible but at least I recognize self freedom and the fact that I can live without restrictions and limitations on my life.(My view on life would be that of a nihilistic existentialist)

You're right about all this. 95% of people are worthless. These aren't the 95% you should be focusing on, though, they're the monkeys you're trapped in the zoo with. Society DOES program people to be miserable, and to serve the ruling class. That's no conspiracy theory, it's Sociology 101.

I recently walked out on a therapist when I realised he had no idea what the hell I was talking about. He told me, in so many words to stop being so weird and to stop thinking so much.

This also means I must be a depressed loser for having thoughts like this. No one understands me. With the way they all act, think, and flock together they understand each other. They make no sense, lack real logic, they're a herd of "innocent" sheep. I don't understand them. I don't understand why my peers act the way they do, why they follow the media, why their minds are so easily penetrated, why they refuse to think and realize that they could be free bu prevent their selves from being that way. Why is it other people can be happy? Why is it they accept each other if all they're doing is looking into a big ass mirror that reflects many different people but the same personalities? I understand that minds that think alike come together but I don't understand why minds that seem like they're copied and pasted come together. Why can't there be a diverse person to look for or someone who probably thinks different? Does being with people who think exactly the same and act exactly the same as one another not get boring? Maybe it's just a reinforcement of power and popularity. It makes them feel as if they're loved and have a damn fine reason to live.

The reality you'll find as you go along is that most of these fuckers are miserable as well. They tend to just not be as aware of it, because they have a serious deficiency in insight. You should pity them. Their lives are never going to be more than what they are now. Yours will be.

I don't want to be stuck in what I call "Life's Loop". It's a line at first. The line represents childhood and freedom. It might get some kinks, knots, ziz-zags, curves in it as you go through childhood events. Then you reach adult hood and this is where you fall into "Life's Loop". It's a fucking ipod on "Loop/Replay" mode until the battery dies. The ipod being life, the battery being the person. Get up, go to work, come home from work, eat dinner, 4-5 hours of freedom until you have to go to bed to do... Guess... GET UP, GO TO WORK, COME HOME FROM WORK, EAT DINNER, 4-5 HOURS OF FREEDOM UNTIL YOU HAVE TO GO TO BED to do... guess again? To live "Life's Loop"...

Unfortunately you're right about this, and the life loop is a system that actually exists from the moment you're born. Fortunately, by being aware of it, you have a chance to migrate to another system. It's something you'll have to put up with for now - as do I, and believe me I know how fucking awful it is (I spend my nine-hour days contemplating suicide, constantly, until it's time to go home, and even then...) but again, think about the people who don't and will never know any different. You have an advantage over them. And there ARE opportunities.

It's not a normal feeling... It's almost kinda like when you feel depression on a psychedelic trip. It's overpowering yet mystical... I can only describe it with colors, sights, situations, and pictures. I don't feel right. I feel very weird. I search for answers everyday, I ask questions, I THINK.

YES. This is what depression IS for people like us. The moment you embrace that is the moment you realise how much you're going to learn from it when you emerge through the other side. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have a name for this - I won't say it on a public forum because it's also the name of the book I'm working on.
 
YES. This is what depression IS for people like us. The moment you embrace that is the moment you realise how much you're going to learn from it when you emerge through the other side. I know EXACTLY what you mean. I have a name for this - I won't say it on a public forum because it's also the name of the book I'm working on.


I'd like to read this book when it's done. Aside from that, I really just don't know what to do. I'm thinking of going off my Wellbutrin since it doesn't help anymore. I don't think I want to have any prescription pills though. They seem to be just a way of getting money from the general population. This whole depression shit is making me very lethargic, inducing extreme insomnia, I feel like my brain is fried. I feel brain dead, I can't think straight or stay focused. I feel really clumsy and very unmotivated. For the past couple weeks I've done nothing. Absolutely nothing... I can't feel the motivation or joy to get up and do things. I seriously can't find a way to get rid of all this. I've tried exercise, eating neuroprotective foods that help dopamine and serotonin, meditation, walking through nature, tried making new friends(This will never work), did work, listened to music(It's actually kinda hard for me to listen rock music anymore due to those anxiety problems about my career...) If nothing is helping, something has happened to my brain chemistry, brain structure. There's probably parts of my brain more or less active than other parts. I really wish there was no such thing as feeling anger or depression. As in, I wish those emotions would have never existed. They greatly affect me and cause a whole lots oh physical and emotional pain...
 
Hey - I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 13. High school sucked. Relatively speaking, I've always seen it as the crappiest part of life and I'm still amazed I made it out alive, but with depression, it felt like torture. Not just being AT school, but generally all years from age 13-17.

Having said that, college/university was one of the happiest parts of my life, where I made the closest friends. I'm aging myself, but it's been over 2 decades since high school graduation and I don't miss it at all. I changed scenery when I went to university (got far and away from my parents) and that helped for sure. I felt like I started fresh which gave me confidence that I didn't have before. I also felt that instead of being plunked into general population, being in university put me in contact with people I had more in common with. I've always preferred intelligent conversation to small talk, which was an oddity in my superficial high school, but a plus in university and beyond.

The place where I live now may be renown for its superficiality, but thankfully, it has millions of residents who prefer meaning beyond the surface. Finally, have you tried anything other than Wellbutrin? I was on Wellbutrin for 8 years but then made a switch because it stopped working (near the end, it was not helping depression, but it was ratcheting up my anxiety). Around that time, a blood test also showed a vitamin D deficiency, so I started supplementing b/c that deficiency is linked to depression. I hope that technology can advance soon to screen for neurochemicals/pathways to diagnose depression and more accurately determine more successful treatment, whether it's an eating/lifestyle change can help it, cognitive exercises to affect neuroplasticity or if you would really benefit from ingesting a supplement or pill.

I am convinced that the brains of many depressed people are configured and operate differently than non-depressed because many of the thoughts we experience are counter-survival, even though the rest of our cognition can be high-functioning. Personally, I'd rather be depressed than stupid! I would not want to be like the majority of my high school!!! I may have my issues and episodes, but I would not trade my life/experiences for pretty much any of the stuff my former high school classmates post on social media!!
 
Look, I really appreciate all the answers. No sarcasm or anything, I really do but I can't take this anymore. I think I'm either going to admit myself into a mental ward or have a family member pick me up or something. I'm considering calling a suicide hotline or something like that also... I can't stay trapped in my fucking house all day everyday. I need to get out and go somewhere. It doesn't feel right at all... I don't even know if anyone will pick me up. No one has responded and I'm not sure if anyone is. The only thing I'm worrying about when it comes to getting out of the house is that my dad will get really pissed off if I'm not here to do my duties. I can go places on the weekends, but not the weekdays. At the same time, I don't care though. I deserve to go somewhere. I guess I'm not going to admit myself into a mental ward. I can't be in a place with screaming, yelling, more insanity, and drugs like Lithium... I need a vacation, I need to get out and do something, I need something that'll let me relax and chill out for a while. I could go to my grandparents house or maybe see if I can get to my big sister and her boyfriends house. I need out... I need to be able to go out and meet people, I need to make some friends, I need to be occupied and not sitting down all day thinking in negativity... I keep contemplating suicide but that'll solve nothing. All that would do is make a few family members devastated. They'd feel how I feel right now for the next couple of months and I'm not putting anyone through that shit.
 
Whatever you need to do man. I recommend your grandparents over a psych ward, but it's up to you. This stuff sucks hard to deal with, I'm around (well, online) if you need to talk. Good on you for not killing yourself. That's pretty much the main reason I don't do it as well.
 
Being at my parents' was a big stressor in of itself...SO...Def. change scenery to somewhere you'll think more like minded people will be, as those are potential friends. Are the people in your sisters community closer to your age and is there a music scene? how about at your grandparents community? do you have other transport like a bike?
 
I hope things improve for you brother, I can feel your frustration oozing out of your writings here. I'll tell you straight the fuck up bro, I got no fuckin answers for you. All I can do here really is say fucking wow man! Dude I soooo feel your pain. I deal with the same shit man, the racing thoughts, the shit people in this society, the ZERO friends, all of it bro. Dude your a fucking damn decent guy from what you wrote, that's all I can possibly know of course, but dude this fuckin society fucks peeps up man. Like many that posted before me said, it's fuckin all set up this way bro just so we can serve the higher ups. I truly believe this. But anyway before u think I'm a conspiracy theorist(I probably am,lol) I just wanted to offer you my unending support brother. Only you can understand you. While I have many of the same thoughts as you do it must be somewhat different for each of us in it's own way. You are a fucking genius if at 18 your already contemplating such issues with such depth and conviction. Dude I really wished I lived in fla. I'd drop by and we'd surely trip balls, lol. Dude you got a hella lot to offer this world and if your shit fake old "friends" can't see or be able to deal with it then fuckin good riddance to bad rubbish. I haven't really met anyone your age who can express their feelings and views the way you did in your post. Most of the my sisters friends (around your age) are sickening little selfish, self absorbed little fucks. I'm 35 and not quite as sure of things as you seem to be and that's a great quality bro so fuck everyone else dude, really you don't need em'. Your alright by me brother, fuckin deep man that's a good thing to be in this shallow shit world we live in today. I have no doubt you'll be successful in future endeavors, but it takes a bit more time bro. A lot if people wont take people your age seriously, won't give them a chance. Time will change that, you'll see. I have the utmost confidence in you and your abilities. I would fucking love to see songs you have written(unless your a fuckin rapper,lmfao) I can imagine them being beyond doors tunes. Maybe kind of like older moody blues with the deep ness and social consciousness you exhibit here. Anyway dude I can go on forever and mods will probably remove this for whatever reason but dude your good man, but if you fuckin off yourself the world will never know what it must find out about you bro. Give it more time, suffer the indignities a little longer and it WILL turn around for you bro. If your ever in or near Massachusetts brother u let me know I'm always online here, I got plenty of room and could use the company. Your friend in pain, Chris
 
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