I can't tell if it's coincidence or programming. I have no friends, and when I say no friends, I mean NO FRIENDS. No one wants to be my friend and everyone just makes fun of me for stupid reasons. I lack required social skills because of this. I've gotten nothing but negative my whole life and feel as if I will die a very sad, lonely and brutally painful death as a nobody with no real career or home. I'm not allowed to express thoughts, philosophy, politics, problems in the world, etc...(I stick with intellectual subjects) or I get called stupid and crazy. People stay away from me and won't come near me. Every "friend" I've had leaves me after about a week. I don't know what I did wrong and never do anything wrong. I can't expect myself to ever get anywhere in life If I live alone. I don't have status. I don't have anyone. I'm not popular and I'm seen as a loser. I won't have any potential business partners in life. I've already failed and it's not me that's causing it.
I'm REALLY starting to believe it's something else and I don't know why it chose to fuck with me. I just want to be fucking happy. There's absolutely no fucking way I can get rid of the constant despair/depression/hopelessness feeling. I'm prescribed 300mg of Wellbutrin, which helped a little at first but doesn't do shit now. Some days I take up to 900mg in hopes that'll produce enough dopamine to make me happy. This also fails. I don't even know why I continue my Wellbutrin. Maybe just because it's a damn good potentiator of DXM(I only do this in small doses every couple of months, so please don't sit here and say that DXM is making me go psychotic and is making me think/feel this way.) All my Wellbutrin really does is make me have strong hallucinations at night time in the dark of scary shadow figures/creatures, glows, waviness and distortion of objects, sometimes the figures might have glowing yellow eyes for a split second like the glowing yellow eyes you see on that scene of "Amityville Horror" when the mother is tucking her daughter in bed. More hallucinations...
Anytime I'm about to get a chance to do something, the chance fails. If I look forward to something, whatever it is I'm looking forward to fails. Everything fails. I've failed... I constantly contemplate suicide everyday but won't do it until I know whether or not my life will get better, whether or not whatever is doing this will go away, whether or not there is an afterlife that I favor etc... I don't want to see a psychiatrist or psychologist who's going to pump me up on sedatives, anti-psychotics, MORE anti-depressants, and other useless pills... They don't even give a fuck what's going on. They just care that a patient has came in, described his symptoms, and that now this gives the psychiatrist a chance to prescribe pills in which he will make money from...
I worry most about my career though as a rock musician. I don't want to be part of some shitty underground/garage band that'll never get noticed. I actually want to achieve fame and fortune. I don't want to play just to play, I want to make it somewhere. This is most likely not going to happen. I even feel as if my life was PURPOSELY thrown 40 years ahead of where it should've been. I'll try to sleep around 11:00, then I'll get up around 3:00 noticing that my anxiety and depression has had me laying in bed the whole time awake...
I don't want to grow up to get a shitty job that requires a goddamn piece of paper from school that says DIPLOMA - *name here*. What in the fuck does goddamn PAPER prove!?!? The school system is corrupt as hell and doesn't even really teach to teach. Every teacher I've ever had always said, "We gotta teach you guys this stuff to get ready for the FCAT(Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test)" I'm spending years of my fucking life just to do good on a GODDAMN test!?!? What in the hell does this prove? It only proves ability to memorize when FORCED to, not actual knowledge. I can't even talk about this with people because they're convinced they're getting this amazing education that'll get them ready for life. I'm told that I just don't want to learn and that I have problems to address. I read all day everyday. I do NOTHING but read ALL DAY about subjects that interest me such as psychology, psychedelics/hallucinogenics/dissociatives(psychoactives in general), politics, science, the cosmos, spirituality, nature, our universe, COMPLEX SUBJECTS!
My life sucks ass, but one thing I do know is that I'm not fucking stupid like everyone thinks I am. Is it not "stupid" to ridicule and disregard information like this without understanding it first? This is what my peers do... My intelligence compared to my peers is genius. They think they know life and everything about up and down have restrictions and limitations on how they live by following the trends of mass media, staying on those horrible cell phones day in day out, believing what they are told rather than what they have experience or researched, acting like jackasses with no real sense or logic. And I'm the fucking stupid one? I'm the ones who's crazy, because I know how to make decisions for myself rather than have mass media do it for me? I do think my life is somewhat programmed to be horrible but at least I recognize self freedom and the fact that I can live without restrictions and limitations on my life.(My view on life would be that of a nihilistic existentialist)
This also means I must be a depressed loser for having thoughts like this. No one understands me. With the way they all act, think, and flock together they understand each other. They make no sense, lack real logic, they're a herd of "innocent" sheep. I don't understand them. I don't understand why my peers act the way they do, why they follow the media, why their minds are so easily penetrated, why they refuse to think and realize that they could be free bu prevent their selves from being that way. Why is it other people can be happy? Why is it they accept each other if all they're doing is looking into a big ass mirror that reflects many different people but the same personalities? I understand that minds that think alike come together but I don't understand why minds that seem like they're copied and pasted come together. Why can't there be a diverse person to look for or someone who probably thinks different? Does being with people who think exactly the same and act exactly the same as one another not get boring? Maybe it's just a reinforcement of power and popularity. It makes them feel as if they're loved and have a damn fine reason to live.
These groups ridicule the hell out of me, only when they are together. When alone, they do nothing. People talk shit but won't do shit. The act of "doing" can't be done by any of these people until they feel they're 5 to 1. They can't get by alone like I can. I've been alone my whole life ALMOST. I can support myself and get by but still feel as if some external force will prevent me from doing so... I have the ability to make my own decisions without putting restrictions and limitations on my life. I now wonder whether or not I'm condemned to live this way, or if the majority of the "copied and pasted" people are condemned to live stupid and controlled. Is it that I lack friends because my life is programmed that way, or is it that these people are to inconsiderate, lack thought, and too stupid to accept me? Is it that I'm the different one and that difference is perceived as a threat? Could it be that I know too much and talk about things they know nothing of? Is it my intelligence that is a threat? The only people I've ever met that accept me are bluelighters and people on other forums.
This is another thing. I'm called a "dumbass" when I even mention psychedelics/hallucinogenics/dissociatives... I try to explain you can do MUCH more with these than just get "high". I try to explain medicinal benefits, spiritual benefits, how substances can be a journey and very enlightening when taken right, etc... My peers stick to the "brain damage" theories that our government has made up... My peers refuse to actually cite any source that they get their information from, besides school, which is a government owned institution... Some smoke weed all day everyday. They sit on their asses, doing nothing and believing that they are rastafarians... If they would fucking do some research they'd find out there's a lot more about rastafarianism than smooking "Da Herb" all day... First off, if they are rastafarian then that means they believe that one of the Jamaician dictators, leaders, whatever they have up there, back in the 1930's or something was the reincarnation of Jesus, and that they WORSHIP him. They're so dumb and stupid. Why is it that I'm the one who is called dumb and stupid?
I can't and never will forgive these fucking monstrosities... I don't even believe in forgiveness because all it does is say, "Okay, you can just do whatever you did in the first place A-FUCKING-GAIN". With all the talk of me being stupid, dumb, crazy, worthless, how in the hell will any of them believe that I could be a potential friend or potential business partner in the future? How in the hell can I expect to have people there for me and expect to have a fucking career? If I want to be a rock musician, I need other guys. I've been looking for years and haven't found ANYONE. It's like my life is programmed for that to happen, like I'm just going to fail epicly at everything I ever do. i can't expect to get anywhere with anyone in life. I don't want to grow up to get some shitty job thats fucking invades my goddamn privacy and drug tests me randomly eve though I may do EXCELLENT at wherever I'm working. I don't want any traditional bullshit like that. I don't want to be stuck in what I call "Life's Loop". It's a line at first. The line represents childhood and freedom. It might get some kinks, knots, ziz-zags, curves in it as you go through childhood events. Then you reach adult hood and this is where you fall into "Life's Loop". It's a fucking ipod on "Loop/Replay" mode until the battery dies. The ipod being life, the battery being the person. Get up, go to work, come home from work, eat dinner, 4-5 hours of freedom until you have to go to bed to do... Guess... GET UP, GO TO WORK, COME HOME FROM WORK, EAT DINNER, 4-5 HOURS OF FREEDOM UNTIL YOU HAVE TO GO TO BED to do... guess again? To live "Life's Loop"...
Why live like that? I absolutely refuse to do so and feel as if my lifes destiny is to do just that. I can't be like this, constantly depressed and anxious, feeling as if my life is programmed to be negative, feeling like I won't get anywhere. I can't even express the feelings with words. It's not a normal feeling... It's almost kinda like when you feel depression on a psychedelic trip. It's overpowering yet mystical... I can only describe it with colors, sights, situations, and pictures. I don't feel right. I feel very weird. I search for answers everyday, I ask questions, I THINK. I probably think too much. The thinking is probably driving me insane. I can't stop it though. I have racing but disturbing thoughts that keep me awake and prevent me from doing anything. Most of my energy is spent walking back and forth just thinking about situations, my life, events, my career, etc... I'm constantly tired and lethargic. I just don't know what to do...