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I'm sorry for being like this.

sirfoxey said:
I understand what you have said about the hospitals and your insurance and sub issue, but I would be going regardless. You are really at your very end and I think you just need to go admit yourself into a hospital and get the help you desperately need.
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Yeah I think your right. I'm gonna hide some sub in a condom in my ass just in case they decide to try and make me detox. I'm gonna make my mom take me in the morning.
 
crimsonjunk said:
Yeah I think your right. I'm gonna hide some sub in a condom in my ass just in case they decide to try and make me detox. I'm gonna make my mom take me in the morning.
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Best of luck with it. I spent the best part of 5 months in a psych hospital last year and thankfully back to full time work now and resuming normal life again. Was a extremely hard 5 months or so but I am thankful I have come out the other end and want to live again. So I can really get where you are coming from with wanting to end it all, it was the hardest thing reaching out and going to hospital, so high fives on going there.
 
sirfoxey said:
Best of luck with it. I spent the best part of 5 months in a psych hospital last year and thankfully back to full time work now and resuming normal life again. Was a extremely hard 5 months or so but I am thankful I have come out the other end and want to live again. So I can really get where you are coming from with wanting to end it all, it was the hardest thing reaching out and going to hospital, so high fives on going there.
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Wow 5 months is a long time! That scares me! I was thinking like 10 days tops. Why did they keep you so long? I dunno if I can shove that many sub strips in my ass!
 
Well crimson j.. you seem to be up against it.<3

But you have a whole plethora of shit going for you and i'm not just blowing smoke up your ass.

You can totally work with your situation. For real.

First thing i would do if i were you.. I would toss all the guilt and shame out the window of a starship in warp drive.

To try and aid you in doing this i will throw out a question.. What is addiction?

Im not testing or fucking with you at all.. there is no right or wrong answer to this.. it only an attempt at aiding you to wrap your mind around a very difficult subject. <3

If you can your whole world will change.
 
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crimsonjunk said:
Wow 5 months is a long time! That scares me! I was thinking like 10 days tops. Why did they keep you so long? I dunno if I can shove that many sub strips in my ass!
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I had a complete brain fart for lack of a better word, and the medication they put me on I had a reaction too and became suicidal and they had to ween me off it and then find another which would stabilise me which took a long time.
 
As much as it pains me to admit this--that Patriots fan is right. Lol Everything they're telling you is the truth.

When I was about 8-13 my mother beat bruises on me everyday. I wasn't allowed to have friends, talk on the phone, watch tv-nothing. I had to stay in my room all day and night. I could only come out for school or to do chores. After about a year I tried to hang myself from my ceiling fan. After about 4 yrs of it I ODed for the first time. I just went insane in there with nothing and no one. You're never gonna get better until you can get out and socialize and have other activities that are fun besides drugs!

If this takes going to the crazy house, do it! At least in there you will have some kind of social interaction. If you can't call them or get anyone to call them and ask FIRST if they're going to make you detox in this mental condition, I'll just do it and report back on here if that's what it takes. The facility I went to had never had anyone stay past 2 months. They can't all be 5 month long beachside resort rehabs. Lol

As for your self harming tendencies. I'd like to tell you something wise and (now) funny that my father told me when I had to get 23 stitches for the bat-shit insane hack job I did on myself. He said, "aww hon, your looks are all you've got going for you right now! Fuck that up too and see how that works out for you!" Don't mess up your looks, man! You really might need them, and you don't need the stigma of self harm scars following you years after you're better!

For this self harm resulting from anxiety and depression, I was treated 12 years (half of my life). Every antidepressant they could find, 60 bars/month, 90 kpins, 300mgs/day seroquel...3 stays in the ward due to a 70mg klonopin and alcohol OD, 60mg Xanax OD, and holding a gun to my face and that pesky cutting incident. I could go on but I'll spare you. I never cut myself again after that. I don't take anything anymore...well, except Mary. :)

Point is, people do get better. I know this is hard for you to believe. If someone had told me that just 2 years ago I'd have screamed at them "lies!!", cried hysterically for hours, chewed a cpl bars, snorted an 80 or 2, and locked myself in my room for the next week to do drugs, contemplate suicide, and cut myself. And I was so wrong my friend. Dead wrong. I don't even know that person that was "me" anymore.

Thank god I'm such a failure at killing myself! Had I succeeded I'd have never got the chance to be this happy. Finish school. Meet so many new badass people. Start my new career. Move into my own place. And most importantly I'd have died never knowing how much of a fighter I really am. I'd have thrown everything away for nothing, and hurt everyone I ever loved on my way out. You got a hell of a lot to live for now, and in your future. Don't question it, just trust!!!

I'm going to keep checking in on you too! so keep us updated, and best of luck today if you decide to go to rehab!
 
Hemptress said:
Point is, people do get better. I know this is hard for you to believe. If someone had told me that just 2 years ago I'd have screamed at them "lies!!", cried hysterically for hours, chewed a cpl bars, snorted an 80 or 2, and locked myself in my room for the next week to do drugs, contemplate suicide, and cut myself. And I was so wrong my friend. Dead wrong. I don't even know that person that was "me" anymore.

Thank god I'm such a failure at killing myself! Had I succeeded I'd have never got the chance to be this happy. Finish school. Meet so many new badass people. Start my new career. Move into my own place. And most importantly I'd have died never knowing how much of a fighter I really am. I'd have thrown everything away for nothing, and hurt everyone I ever loved on my way out. You got a hell of a lot to live for now, and in your future. Don't question it, just trust!!!
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Never underestimate the power of life to surprise you beyond your wildest dreams. <3
 
I'm about to go check myself into the looney bin. Hopefully they eventually let me out and that I don't end up oweing a 100 grand when it's all said and and done
 
I'm I'm the ER waiting room. I loaded myself up on Xanax and sub before I walked in the door so hopefully with the long sub half life I'll be kept out of withfrawal
 
Thanks NSA I have eatin at least 8 mg of sub today trying to stretch that half life out. And I have a strip hidden in a good spot I think just in case. I also brought my strips in the correct packaging hopeing they will give them out to me. I have been in the weighting room 3 hours so far. I guess trying to kill yourself isn't a high priority
 
Best of luck with it all. Keep up the good work, just admitting you need the help and getting to the door is the biggest and hardest step forward you can take. The rest will be hard work but still easier than just getting this far.
 
Just got admitted. I'll post when I can but this is probably bye for a few days. Thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread it mattered more than you will ever know.
 
Glad you have been admitted in finally. Given the time between posts, sure looks like they took their sweet time. Good luck again, I look forward to hearing how well you are going.
 
Good luck man.was reading alot of your blog entries after i seen this thread..your a talented writer and very informative..sucks that your feeling this way bud and i hope u get outta this dark stretch soon..
 
I hope that you get some real help in there--if not, at least give your mind a rest. Take care, cj, and know that lots and lots of us here care what is going on.
 
just thought I would drop you a note for when you stop back in that I have been thinking of you and hope all is going extremely well for you.
 
Hello everyone! I just got out of the hospital today. I am feeling much better than I was when I posted this thread and last spoke with you guys.
First off thanks to everyone who took the time to give advice and support. Im really humbled that I have friends and strangers all around the world giving advice and support.

I was able to clear my head and work some stuff out with my parents. I'm going to be moving in to my own small apartment in the coming weeks while I attend counseling multiple times a week and see a doctor to get on medication. The hospital team decided not to put me on SSRIs because I improved so drastically with Ativan and time. But I am keeping that option on the table in the future. Anyway I'll probably do a blog on my experience inside as it was interesting but I am going to sign off and get some fresh air for now.
 
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