I'm sorry for being like this.

[cj]

I hate to make this post. One of the downsides of being well known on this site is that I have friends here. I have added them on Facebook they know my RL name and I feel really ashamed. Like why am I so weak? I have been seriosly considering suicide for the last few weeks. Not just in a kicking it around in my head kind of way but in a more serious make a plan kind of way. I have been researching the best way to accomplish the task in a hopefully painless way. I have failed 4 times before and I can't bare to fail again. Even though I know that it will be the final disappiontment for my family.

Its not like i havent tried. I went to rehab last year even though i knew it probably wasn't going to help. I suffered through 36 of the most painful days of my life coming off suboxone. I used the day I got out just to get a little sleep. I then made it another month before I couldn't take it anymore. I got back on heroin then back on suboxone a couple weeks later. But the cravings and bleak depression continued. I moved in with a cousin, got a job and tried to be normal. I got fired a couple weeks later, then kicked out of his house a week or two later when he found my stash of rigs. Story of my life. Im just a fucking loser.

So I moved back to my parents house. Which is another name for hell. I hate it here. I hate the daily disappointment I see in their faces. The fact that I am trapped here financially and emotionally. There fucking dogs don't even like me. Still I tried to recover my composure. I upped my suboxone dose hopeing for relief. I tried crying my eyes out and screaming at god. I tried talking to them to make them understand where I am coming from. That I don't mean to hurt them and destroy everything. That there is something fucked up in my head. She just says "everytime you take one step forward you take 20 back". Like I enjoy this shit people have the audacity to call my life. It's at the point now where nothing has worked and something has to give. The situation is deteriorating both in my head and in the real world. I cant tell you how many times I mutter "fuck I hate my life" in my head everyday. It's the first thought when I wake up and the last when I got to sleep.

My mom just keeps telling me that I am selfish. That my use of heroin is a choice I keep making to hurt my family. But it doesn't feel like a choice to me. I tried to explain that but she's not hearing it. She's mad. I'm mad. Everyone is fed up. I just need it all to end. I need this pain to stop I just can't fucking take it anymore! The walls are closing in. And I don't see anyway to get out. I use because I'm depressed and want to die. I guess that literally is a crime.

I want to go check myself in to the hospital for being suicidal. Maybe they could hook me up with some Ssri and some kind of help for this all encompassing depression that I have been drowning in for the last 10 years. But I am afraid that it will just lead to another forced sub kick. That's not what I need. I can't handle kicking sub right now. The thought of it terrrifies me in a way i have a hard time rationally explaining. I think people who have been through it know what I am talking about. Death is literally a preferable option. In fact I think I need to get on methadone. That's the last thing I haven't tried yet. Everyone on another forum i post on says thats my best bet and I believe them. In order to do that I need to get signed up for Medicaid instead of this shitty private insurance I pay for on a month to month basis. Medicaid will help pay for methadone maintenance where my private insurance will not.

Has anyone on here had any experience with prescribed suboxone and psych wards? Can I just call them and see what they say? Will they even talk to me on the phone? At this point I know it will be financially disastrous to get admitted to the hospital for a few days but I don't even give a fuck. I dont have any assets for them to fucking take anyway. And I honestly doubt I ever will. I'm just at the end of my rope and I have no idea what to do at this point.

 

[T. Calderone]

I have a couple experiences with psych wards from out of control drug binges, but not suboxone. When I was suicidal they locked me up against my will. Even though they didn't take Medicaid, the hospital found grant money to keep me there for a week. You could try calling a crisis line and tell them what you're going through. There might be outpatient programs that you could get into as well. Just don't give up!

 

[Erikmen]

Methadone works similarly I guess. And it does that to you I´m sorry to hear that. It seems that it´s a never ending problem and when we think we are just about to turn the corner something had happens.
As much as this might be out of date, I have always thought that the other side could be much worse and irreversible. At least here I know the variables and we are never alone.
Wish all the best!

 

[lost-one**]

Dang I want to save you. And I don't even know you. I have had that same feeling and thoughts for some time now. But I refuse to give up. I watched my father take his life with a twelve gauge shot gun. I was six years old. Nine years later my mom died. Sometimes I actually look to the sky and yell at my parents for leaving me behind. But life does get better. I have the quote, this too shall pass, tattooed down my rib cage. That's how I keep going. My words probably mean nothing to you, but I wanted to impress upon the fact that shit will get better. I've dealt with opiate addiction since I was fifteen. I'm now a twenty seven year old woman still trying to find her way in the world, but I keep mw head up. I wish I could talk to you over the phone and give you that outlet. I, too, live with family that says all those same things to me. I'm so sorry for the pain you feel. There is hope, there are people that care. Good luck to you.

 

[SAMCRO]

What's your dose of subs and do you take other meds? I don't think done is the right answer because if you think you're sedintary now at all you will be shocked at how little you wan't to move on MMT. At least this was my experience after being on 90mg MMT. I would also recommend giving meditation a go. You can download a free app headspace, it has this take 10 which is the trial and you just take 10 mins each day around same time everyday. I was a total skeptical noob in regards to meditation but it has helped me in how dealing with anxiety quite well, it also can make me feel refreshed and reenergized after stressful moments. If you're unemployed you still need to find somethings you do everyday so you have at least some structure.

 

[herbavore]

Oh my friend, I am so sorry to hear how horribly life feels to you right now. ((())) And why would it not? This addiction is torturing you and no one in your family can understand how or why. So on top of everything you are dealing with internally, you feel isolated and alone in the midst of those who love you most. When everything feels this bleak and hopeless it is fairly rational for the mind to turn to leaving it all behind. But there is a universe of difference between feeling hopeless and being hopeless. Life is still there holding space for you. Your task is to find a source inside for the faith that you can recover. You can.

Being with your family and their shaming attitudes (not necessarily intentional or mean-spirited) cannot help you to find any strength in yourself. You need encouragement and love and they sound too discouraged and worn down themselves to be in a position to give you that. Is there anyone in your extended family that has dealt with addiction themselves? Maybe having someone else talk to them and educate them gently but openly about what this condition is all about would be healthy for all of you. If not that, maybe an addictions counselor. Is there any program where you live that you could tap into for counseling? (Where I live you would call county mental health services and ask about recovery services). One of the most influential people in my son's life was an addictions counselor he was forced to go to through drug court. This guy had a 25 year long heroin habit that had put him in prison for a large part of his adult life. He recovered and taught my son the tools he had used which for him were Buddhist philosophy and meditation. I will always remember him saying to my son: "Your problem isn't drugs. Your problem is your mind, your thoughts, all that negative chatter." My son felt that for the first time he had hope because he recognized the truth in those words. You never know where or when you will come across a decent and authentic human being--even in a court ordered drug program that is generally full of the exact opposite.

You have always been a tremendous help to me since I came here after my son's death. So many times when I have poured my troubles out in my son's shrine thread, you have stopped by with a kind word and you have no idea how much this means to me. One of the hallmarks of real suffering is that it is yours alone to bear. You have yours and I have mine and we cannot truly change that at all. What we can do is listen and acknowledge. I thank you for always being there to hear mine and I only hope that you know how willing I am to hear yours. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I have faith--I really do--that you will be able to find your way out of this state of hopelessness. Use every hand that reaches out to you. You were both courageous and smart to post this and I'm glad that you did.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey crimsonJ

It sounds like your parents do not know what addiction really is. It can be really confusing for us. The addiction comes from the unconscious part of the brain. We have locked the use of the drugs we are addicted to in as a drive.. the drive to eat is hunger.. thirst is the drive to drink. Hornyness is the sex drive. Drug addiction is the drive to use certain drugs.

The subconscious is more powerful then the conscious. The conscious is really only a place that solves problems the unconscious want solved. It needs food so it drives us to find food with hunger. It wants water it makes us thirsty to drive us to find and drink water. It wants us to use drugs.. so it drives us to find and use drugs.

It drives us im so many ways.. sometimes it will literally drive us nuts. You need to examine how it works. Its power is only an illusion.

Once you begin to see how it works it starts to loose its power. Once you start to see through the illusion you won't get fooled by it. The key is having the conscious assume the executive role in the brain. This forces the unconscious to get with the program and quit being such a bossy control freak and quit making us miserable.

If you have not checked this thread out yet.. look through it and please read the divided self chapter i have linked. If you dig it consider checking the whole book out from the library as it is chock full of really good stuff.


The Brain and Addiction

Are you getting much exercise.. it really can do wonders for addiction, anxiety, depression etc. Thirty minutes of arobic exercise a day

Exercise and Brain Neurotransmission
Neurobiology of Exercise
Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. The Endorphin Factory
Exercise 4 Health, Mental Health, and Addiction vs. I worked all that out
exercise and sleep


The thing with drugs is they dont change the world.. they just change our impression of it. We can do that by changing our thoughts. Neurochemistry effect a persons thoughts, but its a two way street and thoughts effects neurochemistry.

it is a powerful thing to keep our thoughts possitive and here are some threads many of us use to help us do this.
Managing depressive thinking
Good things about being off drugs/getting sober
Share Something Positive from Your Day vs. It's All Around You
Today I Am Thankful For... Ver. 4 Infinite Chances in an Amazing World
Here is the mindfulness thread.

As far as your current situation I would not let that worry you at all.. sure its not where you want to be but its only temporary. If you would have seen where I was two and a half years ago.. lol good lord.. i mean the five years before that were an unending string of abysmal luck, pure tragedy, and an ocean liner full of my fuck ups. I mean its really movie worthy.

Two and a half years later i'm as happy as i have ever been and will be starting one of my dream jobs very soon, making real bank, living in my favorite state in the country in the best physical and mental shape of my entire life.

I would your recovery absolute number one for a year or two.. just focus and that and everything else will fall into place.

Proactive.. Proactive..Proactive. The best way not to get run over by addiction is to run full at it with every weapon you can find.

Fuck it up if you know what i mean. Keep rolling, but instead of sitting back taking blows, start swinging harder.

 

[cj]

It's sad that after all these years on Bl I still don't know how to quote multiple people.

T calderone- thats a good idea about calling a crisis line. I slept all day today but I will see if I can find one to call during business hours tommorow. Your probably right about outpatient treatment being my best bet to avoid having to kick the suboxone. The downside to that is I can't really be honest with a therapist because they will commit me against my will. I think that's one of the reasons talk therapy has failed me in the past. It's hard to be honest about everything with the guitoine of forced withdrawal hanging over my head.

Erikman- Your right about feeling like i was turning the corner only to fall flat on my face. I was feeling really hopeful a few weeks ago. But i guess it could have been the meth i was shooting. But if dying really is worse than living than this existence is darker and more fucked than I ever imagined. But I do appreciate the kind words and time you took to reply.

Lost-one- thanks.

Samcro- My sub dose was at 1.5mg a day for a long time. But in the last few weeks I really don't even know how high it has gotten. Every time I feel like I want to punch myself in the face and scream curse words I eat another piece of the strip I have on my night stand. I don't really feel sedated or anything from the sub. In fact I crave that sedated feeling more than anything else. I just
lay in bed all day because there isn't shit else to do. I live too far from the friends I have left to hang out without a car. Too far without a car too work. I respect your experience with methadone but I know I can't function without any opiates in my system. Methadone is basically my last best option I feel like.

Herbavore- I don't even know what to say in response to your kind words. I really hope that there is a life for me if I make it through this. It's funny there have been periods where I feel like I have it all worked out in my head. Where I felt strong enough to conquer all these demons. But then it all seems to get flipped around and I am right back at the bottom again. When I am at the bottom like I am now the climb back up just seems impossible. Like it gets steeper every time i fall down. Unfortunately I have never been one with much self drive or confidence. I often take the temporary easy way out if it's available to me even at the expense of long term concerns.

As far as my family goes. I don't really know what they expect me to do. It's like they think I can just make a decision to be better snap fingers and it happens like that. They say I didn't give the 12 step program a chance even when I explain that it's not that simple. It goes to a deeper truth that they don't understand or accept my individual choices. They are religious law abiding people who have little time for questioning the truth that is told to them by any expert. The rehab told them I didn't surrender to god and that I didnt want to be sober enough for the program to work. That whole line of thinking is idiotic to me. I guess I should see an addictions specialist but i am scared I am going to pick another anti-maintenance 12 step hard liner that will only reinforce there belief that this is all my fault. And maybe my parents have a point that I am not open to these people are offering. But does that point really even matter? Is it a personal failing if I don't want to keep trying the same shit that hasn't worked for me? I guess its obviose that i have had some negative experiences with addiction professionals that make me hesitant to trust them. That's probably something I need to get over. I really hope I can find someone like your son found. Was it just luck of the draw or did you seek the guy out by reputation or something?

I guess that leads to the other problem. Growing up middle class and sheltered by my helicoptering parents. I neve read to seek out help on my own. I don't know how the county mental health system works. I don't know how to find a good addictions counselor. The last time I picked a counselor I ended up at a place geared towards adolescents with a lady who was a former school guidance counselor. I felt like I had stepped into the twilight zone mixed with an after school special. It was weird. But anyway thanks for the kind words and advice it really means a lot. I'm going to take the advice on finding the addictions counselor. If you or anyone else has any advice on how to find a good one I would appreciate it.

NSA- your right my parents are pretty clueless about addiction. I try not to hold it against them but they don't even seem to want to be educated on the subject. It really hurts when the people who are supposed to care about you the most start to doubt you and hold grudges. That shit tears me apart inside. I wish there was someway to make them understand that I wish it wasn't like this. I think that's why suicide has been on my mind as an option so much lately. I feel like why stretch there pain and disapointment out over the next 20 years when I can end it now and confine it to this time period? Cause as much as it sucks to say I just can't see myself getting over this. I have been trapped in this same cycle for the last 6 years with heroin. At this point I am not even sure if I want a better life. I feel like I am getting exactly what I deserve. Like I am a piece of shit as plenty of people are fond of reminding me. It's not that I am so much worried about my future or the current situation. It's just that I find my life unbearable. The only relief I get is when I am able to sleep or get high. Otherwise I spend all day wanting to put my head through the nearest wall.

Thanks for the links I read through a lot of them and they make sense. I guess I just need to find the motivation to want to change. Something a girl said the last time I was in treatment keeps popping in my head "I want, to want To get better.". I think she meant that a large part of her still wanted to get high even while her rational side knew it was leading to destruction. I can relate to that right now.

As far as how I am feeling today. I got a few more Xanax from my mom so I feel like I can breathe right now. But I have to set something up tommorow. I really can't trust myself to not do something crazy right now. Last night I almost stole my moms car and debit while she was asleep. I was thinking about how much heroin it would take to end it all for sure this time. I managed to talk myself out of it and wrote this post instead but I can't count on that being the case next time. I really have a hard time asking for help and trusting the system to deliver it. I am afraid that I am going to end up being committed and tortured with a cold turkey sub detox. I was in the psych ward years ago after my first suicide attempt when my habit wasn't as bad. I saw this kid being made to detox off his methadone maintenance with nothing but clonidine and those BS drugs we all know don't really do much in the face of such strong opiate withdrawals. I remember the pain on his face and it scares me to think that cold be me held there against my will like that.

I'm sorry for rambling on like this. I just feel so lost and confused. I really don't know what I should do anymore.

 

[laCster]

crimsonj!! hang in there buddy!!! dont beat yourself up so much!! please please please!!! you dont know how much help you have been to me, and you are an amazing person!!

i have to go to class right now but send me a message!!

-laC

 

[herbavore]

How are you today, cj?

 

[cj]

How are you today, cj?

In a word stressed. I tried calling some places today to get an appointment with a counselor/phychologist. The first place I called accepted my insurance but it turns out I went there in 2009 and they say I owe them 500 dollars. Which is news to me since my parents managed my health care at that time. So that's out. I called 3 other places that didn't accept my insurance. Then the last place I just called accepted my insurance and shit but it turns out I made an appointment to go there in December when i was having my last nervous breakdown and never showed up for it. So they understandebly don't want shit to do with me. I also talked to someone at the nearest hospital psych ward that accepts my insurance. They said if my suboxone prescription is up to date and they can contact the prescribing doctor than I could take it while there. Problem is my prescription is not up to date since I haven't been to the sub doctor in 8 months. So if I ended up in that hospital I would have to detox which makes the whole thing seem quite futile. I am sure all the hospitals operate the same way as it sounds like a liability thing which I get, even though it sucks for me. Discouraged is the word of the day I guess.

So I dunno. I'm about to take another Xanax and scrape my weed pipe for the 10th time see if it will make me feel better.

Lacaster- thanks man your a good guy I'll pm you in a little while.

 

[cj]

A friend brought me enough Xanax to last me until Monday or Tuesday. So I feel like I will be ok until then. At that point I am either going to have an appointment set up with a counselor/doctor who can prescribe meds or I'm going to check myself into the psych ward and come what may. I just can't go on living with such crippling depression. I feel like I owe it to myself my family my friends and the kind souls on this site to give the system one last chance to help me. I want to thank everyone who posted in the thread and sent me PMs of encouragement. It meant more to me than you can possibly imagine. I hope whatever is wrong with my brain can be fixed so that I can return the favor. This is such an amazing community! I really don't think I would be alive without it.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hang in there CJ

Have you given any thought or attempted some aerobic exercise.

Its the purest drug on the planet.. Never cut.. very low incidence of negative side effects.. It rolls out the pure chemicals that we used the drugs to release of act as shabby imitations. Treats or eliminates anxiety and depression. Treats addiction. Promotes healthy sleep. Makes us look good and feel great. Promotes neuroregeneration and neuroregulation. Causes our brains to produce and release important neurotransmitters that are often depleted with drug use and addiction.

If you decide to give it a shot.. start out slow.. won't need very much in the beginning.

You could be blown away at what a difference it makes.

 

[cj]

Hang in there CJ

Have you given any thought or attempted some aerobic exercise.

Its the purest drug on the planet.. Never cut.. very low incidence of negative side effects.. It rolls out the pure chemicals that we used the drugs to release of act as shabby imitations. Treats or eliminates anxiety and depression. Treats addiction. Promotes healthy sleep. Makes us look good and feel great. Promotes neuroregeneration and neuroregulation. Causes our brains to produce and release important neurotransmitters that are often depleted with drug use and addiction.

If you decide to give it a shot.. start out slow.. won't need very much in the beginning.

You could be blown away at what a difference it makes.

It's been really cold here lately but next time the weather is nice I'm going to go for a nice long walk. Honestly I haven't even really gotten out of bed in the last 2 weeks. Just been too depressed feeling to care.

 

[Hemptress]

I've done the sub thing and the psych ward thing a few times now. If you call them and tell them what you just told us, they will DEFINITELY send police to forcibly remove you from your home and commit you against your will. I had this happen to me and then a doctor at the institution told me "you have no civil rights". Lol!!! The nerve of some ppl.

But no it doesn't have to be financially disastrous, just agree to give them $10/month for the rest of your life. They will take it. And they will definitely talk to you on the phone.

 

[cj]

First off I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me in this thread and through private messages it really means a lot. I wish I could come on here and tell you how much better I feel. But I don't feel any better. I have sat in my room and surfed bluelight and reddit for the last few days popping Xanax I have been stealing from my parents. You would think that would make me feel better. And I guess it does for a few hours at a time but then it wears off and i just want to die. I started cutting again I carved "fuck me" into my arm using 5 or 6 29 gauge needles. Feeling the burn and watching my skin burst open with bright red blood gives me a 30 second release that is quite nice. I keep thinking about going to the psych ward like its going to be some kind of special place that will make me feel better when I know from experience that is bullshit. If it was summertime I would go live on the street and panhandle for dope money but it's too cold to survive outside right now and dying sober doesn't sound very appealing.

I think this is the most depressed I have ever felt in my entire life. I haven't left this house in almost 2 weeks. I spend most of my day laying in this bed surfing the Internet thinking about how much fun my old friends are having going to shows, having sex, hanging out and being normal. While I sit here debating if the 20 seroquel and other assorted non recreational phych meds would be enough to kill me. I doubt it would and I am too much of a pussy to hang myself. Drug overdose is about the only thing I have the balls to do as far as suicide goes. I guess I am just going to bide my time and wait for an opportunity to go get enough heroin and xanax to kill myself. When i was younger I used to think I was depressed. I now see that I had no fucking idea what I was talking about. I understand why people jump off bridges and shit now. I totally get it.

I don't know why I am writing this I know there is nothing any of you can do to help. I guess it's for my friends to find later if I really even have any friends. They will know that this was not a decision I came too lightly. I fought the good fight but I just couldn't handle the pain. I don't know if it all goes back to getting molested as a kid. Or if I just drew the short end of the stick when it came to brain chemistry. I will probably never know. I just know that I am tired and if people think me being sober is the most important thing than I would rather be dead.

 

[neversickanymore]

Please take this the correct way as it really is sent with no judgment in hopes it helps you out.

I wish I could come on here and tell you how much better I feel. But I don't feel any better. I have sat in my room and surfed bluelight and reddit for the last few days popping Xanax I have been stealing from my parents. You would think that would make me feel better. And I guess it does for a few hours at a time but then it wears off and i just want to die.

Why do you feel this would make you feel better. Does laying in a bed, in a room at your parents house.. a place you said you do not want to be (no judgement), endlessly surfing the net sound stimulating to you? Because it sounds damn depressing to me.

The opposite of depression is stimulation.

stim·u·late verb \-ˌlāt\
: to make (something) more active : to cause or encourage (something) to happen or develop
: to make (a person) excited or interested in something

Depression causes depression. When we are we are depressed we begin to live a more depressing life style. This makes us more depressed which causes us to live an even more depressing life style.

To combat the depression we need stimulation. You need to get out of your room and back into life. This will begin to stimulate you and help with the depression. When we do stimulating things we become less depressed. When we are less depressed we live a more stimulating lifestyle. When we live a more stimulating lifestyle we become less depressed and live an even more stimulating lifestyle.

Tomorrow, if I were you I would call a friend and go to a movie.. even if your mind says no way.. even if you have no interest or desire to go to a movie. Just do it.. you need some stimulation to get the ball rolling.

I started cutting again I carved "fuck me" into my arm using 5 or 6 29 gauge needles. Feeling the burn and watching my skin burst open with bright red blood gives me a 30 second release that is quite nice.

Do you know a major reason people self harm.. its because pain and stimulation release endorphins. This release is childs play compared to what you will get after a twenty minute jog. Its like comparing schwag to kinder.. not even in the same ballpark. So one method of getting this chemical release damages us and provides pretty much no lasting relief.. the other one makes us stronger, better looking, and kicks a powerful long lasting dose.

Drop the schwag and take some doses something universes better.

I keep thinking about going to the psych ward like its going to be some kind of special place that will make me feel better when I know from experience that is bullshit.

I listened to a great program about a successful person whose family suffered from severe depression. He looked to inpatient psychiatric care. It made him worse. Can you think of anything more depressing than sitting in a psych ward? You need stimulation and positive experiences. Does a psych ward provide much of this. I was placed on a mandatory three day hold after an OD once.

I have to say it was certainly not a positive experience and the greatest stimulation I got was when the crusty old half with doctor introduced his new nurse. It was her first day on the job.. in his defense she was smoking hot, but she was like 19 and he was like 70. He could not control his subconscious and when he introduced her his eyes undressed her like a rapist, he literally drooled, his face made and expression that created a fear response in me. He did all this while it was very clear he was doing everything he could to try and not to.

The writers take of placing a person in a psychological ward for depression is it does not work and infact is totally counter productive. Sitting around in a psych ward is really depressing. Studies have proven this. They compared the treatment success on depression of traditional psych wards and psych wards that got the patients up, took field trips, did interesting things. The stimulated patients did much better.

I'm not discouraging the psych ward if you truly feel you need this. If your unsure.. then I would call a friend to go to a movie tomorrow, set the alarm, get out of bed and go for a five minute jog.

The writer left the psych ward.. still has to combat the depression at times. What he does is goes swimming in cold mountain streams with rapids and waterfalls.
It works so well for him I don't think he even takes medications.

Stimulation, exercise, the endorphin rush of the cold water.

If it was summertime I would go live on the street and panhandle for dope money

I would put some more real effort into your recovery. The life of a street bum active addict sounds about like the worst thing in the world. Since you don't like the cold, i'm not sure this suits you. Your minds messing with you. Your not resiting something amazing, your actively trying to resit being driven back to hell. The fantasy playing in your head is exactly that.. a total fantasy. A addict friend of mine summed it up well on many occasions when we we living that life "worst thing in the world.. worst thing in the world"

I think this is the most depressed I have ever felt in my entire life. I haven't left this house in almost 2 weeks. I spend most of my day laying in this bed surfing the Internet thinking about how much fun my old friends are having going to shows, having sex, hanging out and being normal..

I would try leaving the house, staying totally out of my bed and room during the day, having a shit ton of dirty hard sex, hitting a whole bunch of sick shows, and hanging out with a bunch of good people who are also doing this.

I guess I am just going to bide my time and wait for an opportunity to go get enough heroin and xanax to kill myself.

We make our own opportunities. Do you feel you are also taking a very passive approach to other areas in your life?

The changes we want just don't happen.. we need to make the changes we want. We just don't get better from addiction or depression, we need to heal ourselves.

How do you feel your life might change if you adopted a proactive approach?

I don't know why I am writing this I know there is nothing any of you can do to help.

What can you be doing to help yourself?

I guess it's for my friends to find later if I really even have any friends. They will know that this was not a decision I came too lightly. I fought the good fight but I just couldn't handle the pain.

Im pretty sure that you have a whole bunch more battles in you.. you're a strong person. I would rally the fucking troops and show yourself how much fight you really have in you. Sitting around in bed isn't fighting.. its waiting to get slaughtered.

Get up and fight.. your an amazing person.. you can and will do this.. you're certainly worth it. Make this fucked up crazy world take you out. Make the devil catch ya.. don't let him convince you to do his work for him. Go out in a huge long blaze of pleasure and pain, ecstasy and misery, love and heartbreak, wealth and poverty, friendship and loneliness, struggle and reared, peace and misery..

Your contemplating getting off one of the most amazing rides in the universe? Why not go out and enjoy it instead?

 

[cj]

Hey NSA- If I could call a friend and go do something I would trust me. My parents house is 1 hour away from my nearest friend and I don't have a car and there not coming to pick me up. I have no money anyway. The reason I can't leave the house is because my parents told me if I leave I am not welcome back which equals homeless. Dude if I could go chill with my friends and live life I wouldn't be nearly as depressed. The whole thing is once my parents found out I was using they took the car away closed my credit card and bank account ect. I literally live 5 miles from the newest business of any kind. This isn't me just being blue and laying in the house while people beg me to leave. My parents are punishing me plain and simple. At least at the psych ward I can get some social interaction you know? I have literally no where to go other than this house. it's here the looney bin or the street. The upside to the looney bin is that they could maybe get me into some transitional housing afterward maybe medicaid so I can get on methadone and food stamps.

 

[cj]

And your a good dude I'm not taking it the wrong way at all. I'm open to any and all ideas I'm not easily offended. It's hard to say anything negative I don't already think of myself. I really just feel like I don't want to continue on this earth. I know that's not what I a, supposed to say on this forum. You guys are supposed to pick me up and I'm supposed to come back energized and ready to live but I'm just not feeling it man. I feel really done. I think I'm going to eat that LSD once this Xanax wears off and see what happens in my head between now and morning. Maybe I'll find my spirit animal maybe I'll go play in traffic I don't fucking know. Shit this is what mental illness looks like doesn't it?

 

[sirfoxey]

I understand what you have said about the hospitals and your insurance and sub issue, but I would be going regardless. You are really at your very end and I think you just need to go admit yourself into a hospital and get the help you desperately need.