I'm so ready to be done...

I go out to the kitchen to make myself another drink. I'm out of everything else and I'm hurting. She gives me shit about how I shouldn't be drinking alone in my room. I say 1. Its memorial. and 2. Just because you have family problems it doesn't make them mine (her dad is an alcoholic) She responds that they should be my problems. Well I told her, its not like I'm drunk. "But you shouldn't drink alone, not in my house you won't." Well its not like I have any friends to hang out and drink with and I'm not going to pay $3 a drink at a damn bar and its Memorial Day at 8pm.

God I just want to kill myself. Someone send me enough barbs to make it painless. If it goes down the drain with sean I swear I will fucking do it. I can't live without love...see DS rant. I hate myself and I just want to die....

 

I used to wake up every morning and that was the first thought in my head. "I hate myself and I want to die." Not a fun way to start the day, and even typing it in hurts. It is terrible that you are so strongly affected by others, I wish that you could deflect some of these words rather than absorb them all into you. Where they rot, and foul your kind spirit.

Having a drink or two by yourself is fine. I often enjoy a Manhattan after a long day's work, or a cold beer while cooking up a storm on a lazy Saturday afternoon. A drink or two is one thing, but drinking to pass out is another. Truth be told though, I've done both alone, and many more times than I'd care to admit. Regardless, in her way, she is trying to look out for you. She perhaps just doesn't realize how badly her words affect you.

Take care PT. Smile at yourself in the mirror for me-- your smile has done me some good in the past few days, maybe it will help you too