Mental Health I'm so frustrated! Explanation below

[THE_REAL_OBLIVION]

Okay, before I go on, psy diagnosis : GAD (the with agoraphobia is gone thanks to benzos), and Bipolar I

I'm so mad, there's been this place where I tried to buy RC benzos from which were previously safe, but, in any case, look at my latest thread in Drugs In The Media.

Right now I'm tapering myself from a whole year where RC benzos were easy to obtain in extreme quantities for cheap, still are, but, the point is, I want to go back to where my 20mg of valium for TMJ pain (it's used as muscle relaxant while i'm on bupe by my current maxilofacial dentist surgeons (who when they judge surgery too dangerous, normally script you a decent opiate regimen with an NSAID and visits every couple months). For anxiety I use Bromazepam 6mg twice a day and the valium does make it more powerful). And I got temazepam 30mgx30 per month as needed, I don't take them everyday. But once a few months ago, they were out of generic Apotex Temazepam, so I was told I would be sent the rest the next day, which they did, so the refill day remained the same, but the next time, they were unable to get generic temazepam (which I think 2 weeks in, luckily I had my RC benzos). And in the meantime, pharmacists obtained MANY rights they were lobbying the government for, so less people would go to the ER for an RX that suddenly has no renewals and doesn't fit with your doctor's schedule, and other things, like, getting brand name Restoril and selling it to me the same price as generic, because the fact they were back order is not my fault. But when that happened, she said, ok last time you gave me 21 capsules, so just give me the 9 left. She said, we can give you all 30 right now if you want and the date you pick it up will change to today, is that okay? And she seemed to want me to have the valium and restoril renewed in the same weekend or with just a couple days in between, not picking them up when I already picked up the vals 15 days before, so normally still having some, but right now the best I can do is 60x10mg valium in 18 days, it evolved, it went from a week to 18 days, but I gotta get it to last at least 25 days, so I don't need as much RC benzos. The time of the month i would get it is perfect, 15 days after or before I got my 60 valium 10mg from the same pharmacy. That assured I always had something, the bromazepam, I'll admit, I use and since I have such empathy give a lot to my uncle who has GAD but whatever he has it is not diagnosed, but it's pretty much like me, no panic attacks, just constant background anxiety, expectation that something bad is about to happen etc.

And some not as awesome as previously thought RC benzos when appeared, like flunitrazolam, is very very much like Triazolam, knocks hard, last very shortly, so it mixes very well with the bromazepam. When I have clonazolam blotter, I give "doses" away to people who say what the fuck you tell me this is not like LSD but like valium, to sleep or stress and I go yeah, to the girlfriend of my uncle and such, who is sometimes scripted 1mg xanax for a month then doesnt for 4-5 months, its an intelligent way I gotta say, they all say 4 weeks max in normal cases, but yeah.

Now because I got such a big heart for people I care for, I''m the one with only 1 clonazolam blotter left this morning. A company where I bought something from in Spain who apparently shipped me something on August 1st, and I never received something later than 20 days including business days from air mail from europe.

Can only renew valium on the 28, I've been using it more because I want to take less clonaz, same for bromaz, not i'm out of both and have 1 blotter left, valium renewal on the 28th, I'll try to get it today or tomorrow, maybe it'll work, especially if the owner is there, he respects me, knows what I studied in (well one of the 2 fields). Temazepam is only on the 30th and Bromazepam is only on the 1st. I had 2 clonazolam blotter left, I tried taking just one and see what happens. Well, im not stressed out, but I want to SLEEP, I slept in 2 blocks yesterday from 6:30pm to 9:30pm and then 10pm to 2h30 am. Using 2 clonazolam blotter and my last flunitrazolam pill, with benadryl and bupe. Now today and tomorrow are almost certain to be horrible unless I can renew my valium script today.

I hate being awake when I have nothing to do, I love my dreamless (for the most part) sleep, and I cannot make c-lam appear in my mailbox 2 days in, it always takes 8 days from where I get it.

I'm so pissed off, today and tomorrow and unnecessary days, I have a little work to do related to my job for a server company, but it's not urgent. I can do all that sunday when benzed and buped and after sleeping my whole morning and part of afternoon, I'm an evening and night efficient person. I'm so pissed off and there's nothing that helps it, the company that got raided in Spain, my CC company wont give me back my money until I fill a form and tell them the exact thing I told them on the phone and ship it back. And apparently, my GAD now doesn't have panic attacks attached to it, but I appear to be experiencing them through extreme anger bouts instead, and I got nobody I want to hurt, just this whole frustration at so many things, other things not mentioned here, but if you know me, you'll know what i'm about. I don't know if I should just take the other blotter since 0.5mg clonazolam does nothing to me, never did, even when it came out in those neat yellow gelcaps, I always needed 1mg at least, because I was on diazepam 20mg a day everyday at the time (bromazepam has taken diazepam's place for GAD medicine only since 8 months, the Vallium's powerful muscle relaxation effect is very good for my TMJ and TN II so it wasn't removed.

I see my province still covers for chloral hydrate, i'll ask my doc if he doesn't mind scripting me those choloroform vials that you break in 2 and have the special washcloth attached to the vial to my face, since there is no more barbs except one used for tension headaches and phenobarbital for barbaric benzo wd treatment.

Goddamnit, even the time pisses me off, pharmacy opens at 8 am, so I cannot call and try to smoothly get my script and if they say you're supposed to renew this weekend, I'll say I'll be out of town this weekend, that normally works, (as you cannot renew a benzo script at another pharmacy, it'll be transfered to that other far away pharmacy forever, benzos have "1 transfer", like how weak opiates like Empracets do, but Dilaudid, you'll need a new script if you move town)but its what I did last month, to get it on this day, the 26th instead of the 28th. I don't know, I just want to die (sarcasm not serious) and ressucitate in 2 days, fuck.

 

[THE_REAL_OBLIVION]

Wow, the pharmacist that is always playing games with the smallest details was the one to answer, valium delivery this morning. I expected the impact of this post to get some sympathy but nope, I guess I don't and I should think of all the people experiencing real benzo wd losing their mind at the hospital being fed anti-epileptics because they don't know what else to do. When the neurologist on call arrives, will switch the anti-epileptic they are using to clonazepam, which is used for that too, or clobazam and then suddenly the person will be normal. And nobody will learn anything and they will continue to script Tegretol, Trileptal with some phenobarbital thrown in the mix (which I hear is what they do to people who show up with benzo withdrawal here, they can get lucky and have an Ativan or Versed shot, once, and if are told they can leave, but without a script for anything and they are afraid of seizing up, that's the cocktail they will be on until a neurologist who reads the patient's medication list from the pharmacy will do.

 

[Moreaux]

I'm sorry you're going through this, though I'll admit some of it was a little hard to follow. How long will you be without benzos? Also, I do believe there is a way to mitigate the exitotoxicity response that occurs in benzo withdrawal, I will see if I can find that article again. I wish I had known about that years ago when I was cut off from my Xanax (took it daily for 10 years). I do sympathize with you, I hope you are able to get a hold of something quickly as benzo withdrawal causes very real and lasting neurological damage. Good luck!

 

[THE_REAL_OBLIVION]

Well like I said, right after posting this, I called the pharmacy when it opened and I got my diazepam delivered, arrived 40 minutes later, but right now diazepam alone won't do it, it just prevents the worst and the hurt I could be in, certainly not following prescription. But things are getting alright, I got my temazepam script getting delivered this afternoon, and the pharmacy where the bromazepam script is at don't do deliveries on sundays, maybe I'll go take a little drive and get it, but I'm okay with waiting for it until tomorrow, since I will have some real sleep with the temazepam. Right now I'm only going to buy one RC benzo out of the 2 i tend to obtain, I have to be able to make valium hit hard again when I take 30mg, which I managed to do for 6 years, only this summer did I go overboard and jacked up my tolerance way up. It's good that I have bromazepam though, it's as anxiolytic as xanax, but lasts 4-6 hours, so if next month I can get away with no rc benzos, like I plan to do, I'll be good. Thankfully I did not have any real withdrawal, just no more clonazolam, which at the time I wrote that post, I was feeling great fear at the prospect of. I took the last blotter dose I had and then the valium arrived, took 30mg and slept soundly for 10 hours. But yeah, I've tapered before, I can do it again, thankfully I never got in situations of full on no-diazepam in the my blood, so I'm not afraid of kindling (which is mostly a GABA-B/alcohol addiction problem), but definitely PAWS, I've had before and it did go away. If I play it right, I won't get anything like that right now.

 

[Moreaux]

I'm glad you were able to get your diazapam. You said you were considering getting off of RC benzos next month, are you going to taper or just compensate with the scripted benzos? Out of curiosity what all are you taking dosage wise for all your benzos? Also, do you have a plan in place to avoid a similar situation in the future like leaving some benzos with family?

Sorry for all the questions - your situation is unique and interesting as my doctors wouldn't deviate from Xanax unless I ran out of my script too soon and then they would give me Klonopin. I really wanted Valium as it lasts much longer but they were always against it saying it wouldn't help my axiety disorder and so I stayed stuck in a vicious cycle of Xanax which exasperated my alcoholism.

 

[THE_REAL_OBLIVION]

Well, I was put on valium because I was tapering Rivotril(clonaz) 2mg twice a day, the big bad round white ones, I know there's 2mg generic clonazepam that is a small pill hard to differentiate from a clonidine tablet without looking at the markings, the generic I had was fat pills, kinda like 2mg Ativan and 2mg Xanax are, but round, not like xanax and 2mg Ativan is sort of oblong, the real thing, I only saw it brand name when this girl I knew, weren't really friends with, she was rather solitary after stopping to even have a single drink, she was part of my ol' gang in awesome late 90's up to mid 2000's. But if she's out of her stuff, I would help and vice verca, was scripted 2mg ativan 3 times a day, obviously. I find Ativan and Xanax to last too shortly in particular. There was also another girl who's now stopped taking benzos and antidepressants when lithium is what made her come back to Normality with a big N, kinda quoting her, and she was on Serax, ugh, the 30mg ones (I can't believe there is 10mg ones, 15 okay, 10, what the hell, once they made an error at the pharmacy and I looked at my bottle, the pharmacist knew I had Valium 10mg (unfortunately no brand name 10mg valium, if I could convince the psychiatrist to give me 5mg valium, just twice the amount of pills (or maybe 15 more, as I need valium as the background strongly-muscle relaxing still after close to 6 years of 25-20mg a day. For a long time I was fine with just that. Anyway, Serax (oxaz) is a joke, unless you have 3x30, and even then you gotta wait, a lot, kinda like clonaz, but nowhere near the same payoff. Europeans get 50mg ones, no wonder. Anyway, it didn't even satisfy my lack of valium when she gave me some, like the other with the 2mg ativan 3 times a day, she had to take 30mg 3 times a day, it takes an hour, 1h30 to come in, then you get rather amazing anxiolysis, but as soon as you notice it, it starts going away, you can't get much out of it. That's why I guess so many women seem to be scripted Oxazepam around here. Ativan too in fact. Same for Xanax. Guys get scripted Clonaz, like I did, and only other things as a sort of taper. Like my friend who was inpatient for alcohol detox when he came out he had a huge script of 25mg Librium and 50mg Hydroxyzine (helps anxiety too, plus nausea, the effects of alcoholism scare the shit out of me. But thankfully, I was always just a short binger when I was drinking, rarely have more than a 710ml can of Rolling Rock because of it's typical american low alcohol content, i'm on bupe and, bupe is already rough on the liver, they have us when seeing the nurse first, or if not needed, only seeing the nurse and not even the doctor (there's an epidemic much worse than when I was shooting up Dillies and HydromorphContins apparently, so they limit time for the doctors now if not needed to be seen, if they wanna see you or you want to see them for a good reason, you will normally, but, it's ridiculous how they have us outpatients in a waiting room in that small unit, and the other side of the large door, is where I was when I went in for inpatient methadone induction for 6 days, a doctor for the appointments and the 15-20 people that can be on the other side inpatient.

I'll tell you more clearly about how I'm approaching my own taper in another post (or likely edit this one). I just woke up, had a hit of hash oil and am pretty high without the cannabis anxiety, which kinda led to the benzos. Or more like, cannabis after taking a lot of psychedelics started to bring up feelings of a smoked rush psychedelic, most often than not, if I had not had a drink back then in 07 when I stopped toking errday which honestly is alright for summer break in high school, after that, not really. At least in the manner and weed as a mandatory party drug, which I think is such a versatile thing and still with unknowns. This cannabis / hash oil, I think it was made from hash, its rarely made from bud, I take a few hits when I am feeling perfectly calm and it feels like it is healing or just good for you like food, a single small hit by the way, not smoking ridiculous amounts like back then. Especially up here in Canada where the highest quality weed goes for so cheap, there's hardly mids at all, and what we called "winch" in 2000-2005 has disappeared entirely (goodbye Hell's Angels, child killers).

But yep, I'm determined, I did it before, several times, now my curiosity towards RC benzos is gone and I know which ones are alright, and know how much to take, I used to order some clonazolam and stock on my valium rx, and when there was no more clonazolam, I was able to easily go back to my script of 10mg twice a day. This time I just went too fast with what I had because of some circumstances, the kind of feeling like you're in a prison inside your own house, well in my case, condo. It's part of the Bipolar I thing to feel like a starving cat in a tiny cage for a while, in my position. I also stopped panicking that I had lung cancer because pain in the arms for no reason can be a sign of lung cancer, and nope, I still have micronodules, but none over 1cm, so no cancer, and I stopped smoking cigarettes 2 year 1/2 ago, i'm vaping, although I wish I did less so, nicotine makes one's liver enzymes work faster at eliminating benzos while being a mild stimulant. I cannot endure more than a small cup of coffee (although strangely I can drink an energy drink that has ingredients in it in quantities I am fine with, some are stupidly strong, since after about 5-6 years on Dexedrine constantly 5 days a week for the ADD, I killed the H as a kid, parents were smart, got me into hockey leagues in winter and baseball in the summer. I tell ya, yeah there is great baseball players that were Canadian, my idol as a kid was Larry Walker (obviously an Expos fan then as a kid, and that fucking 1994 player strike killed the team, we're too latin/hot blooded in french canada hah, I see full stadiums for horrible teams in the US, the Expos lost a lot of great players after that 1994 strike, which started to allow those ridiculous contracts. But anyway, I was saying that because, yeah it's possible to pierce when Canadian into baseball, but you gotta be practicing all the time, even, when not with your team at games or said practices, there was 2 fields next to my house and all the kids would come play. Anyway, in my last legal year as a junior A second basement, .351 12HR 83 RBI 56 SB. Almost more frustrating is the Pro Junior (CHL)...there's no College Hockey like they do in the US, here if you're good enough, at 16 year old, you'll be drafted by a team in QMJHL in the east like where I am, there's also a few American teams, the Mainiacs, lol. OHL if in Ontario and WHL for western Canada, it's fully paid 70 games seasons with about 40k a year, max age is 20 after that, you either give up, try a training camp in Europe. As in my case, I won't bore you with too much details, but I was in the league that is a step down from the QMJHL, Midget AAA which is for 15-18 year olds. Also paid, but not much, 45 games a season. There's Junior AAA but it's not as good strangely, it tends to be rough and with a hell lot of fighting, Midget AAA is for those usually who are just a bit too small or who might go unnoticed by scouts of the QMJHL teams. Finally, at 18 year old, I had a season of 16 goals, 67 assists, 83 points (if no hockey knowledge, that's not amazing, but it's rather great, especially at that age. No QMJHL team scouts called. My coach said someone wanted to talk to me and gave me a card, first I was this is a joke, it was the Detroit Red Wings logo, but, it was their farm team in the AHL, who then had the same logo, I don't now, Adirondack Wings. They didn't offer anything other than being invited to their camp....in Adirondack, I wasn't even sure what state that was in, but, I passed. As you can see the ADD is still real, but not as bad, I just tend to ramble when I had my dose of bupe, hydroxyzine 50mg and for now only 6mg bromazepam and 5mg valium (split one in 2).

More boring but real important details later. I feel too good now, I'm too much of a good guy, my uncle visited in a weekend, he's the youngest brother of my mom, so, he's pretty young still, not 50, I still don't feel comfortable with people over 50 lol, but yeah the guy is a trucker and has all kinds of physical ailments, so I gave him him pre-made quarters of 2mg suboxones for his pain issues, he says it's amazing, that means he is a candidate for the easily prescribed BuTrans patch, I guess the 20ug/hour for 24 hour, but he says, he never sleeps as good and never wakes up with as much of a good mood in his truck's bed, with just 0.5mg bupe. I wish I was there heh. But yeah, the 20ug hour releases 480ug a day so, pretty much what i'm giving him. But I was 4 days without bupe, was seriously mad because the benzos were needed a lot more. Never again am I giving more than just one 0.5, I told him my family doc can see him since a year and he will take him as patient but he didn't go yet, told him indeed.

I guess 10-15 years in the American Hockey League paid 75k a year with chances of sometimes playing NHL games and randomly piercing, which happens sometimes, all expenses paid, only the constant bus rides must suck, no flying first class, and I thought it was already a lot when a kiddo in the Midget AAA league.

tl;dr I feel really good, don't feel like bitching lol, I'll tell you about my plan and details you asked for a bit later.