~~Confusion~~
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 18, 2000
- Messages
- 7
This is very long, but I'm spilling my guts. I never talk to anyone about any of my problems, ever. I always read this board, but have never posted to it. This is a first for me (in terms of letting it all out), and the anonimity of this bulletin board will help me let it out. Bare with me, I need help.
There is nothing physically wrong with me. Mentally might be a different story. I'm social, nice, good build, good sense of humor, normal guy I hope. I am very shy though when it comes to girls. I have a situation that I could not talk about with anyone I know, being that I am beyond embarrassed to ask, so being at my wits end, I am coming to you for help.
I'm a smart guy, mature, good all american guy. When it comes to women/sex though, I am as clueless as a toddler. A culmination of the way I was raised, different situations growing up, and the low self esteem and shyness I've grown up with have left me without anybody. I'm not looking for pity, I have enough of that for myself, I'm just letting you in on my background. I'm a full blown virgin (very hard for me to say, cause Im humiliated by it), have barely messed around ever with the opposite sex, and am completely ashamed of it. I'm sure some of you would say I shouldn't be, and others would say I'm a loser...I'm with them.
Trust me when I say this; I'm no freak, not weird looking (great build actually), not weird acting. I have a lot of friends, know a lot of girls, I'm not a recluse. I never talk about my sexual life (being that I don't have one), so nobody really knows how pathetic I am, and I don't want them to know.
Here is my situation: I have been using the internet for years, always talking to people. I talk to girls online the way I wish I can talk to them in real life, and that leads to me knowing many girls online, many who always want to meet. Now I use to make fun of friends who would meet people from the internet (back many years ago, not lately), so I never considered actually ever meeting someone.
In a few weeks I am going on a trip, and happen to be going to a city where a girl I talk to lives. (Been talking for a long time now) Now she wants to meet up, and I know exactly what she wants and what could end up happening. I do like her a lot, but its the internet, and I've always had a bias towards it, and never wanted to meet someone let alone sleep with them.
More background: I have had many past 'offers' of girls wanting to sleep with me, but I was never attracted to them enough and always thought I wanted my first time to be special. Now please understand, I'm not bragging, got nothing to brag about, and have tried to keep a high level of morals. In these situations, half the time I think I'm too shy, the other half I feel I'm holding up my ethics, I don't know which it is anymore. I'm losing my faith and want to sleep with this girl, who I like, but definitely don't know well enough (being that I thought my first time should be with somebody I've met before that day).
Again, I'm just spilling out thoughts from my brain, not organizing them, but typing as I go, being that its a lot to get off my chest.
My other problem is that she is almost 4-5 years younger then me, yet she is sexually more mature...way more mature then me, but who isn't.
Yes, this is pathetic.
I don't know how many of you out there can relate to how lonely I am and how bad I always feel. Even though I have tons of friends, I seem always to be by myself. I can talk to girls, but if the situation turns towards something more emotional, I can't handle it, cause I never have. I'm sick of how things are, and I want to be with someone, but I don't want to be too hasty. Of course I'm in my early 20's, so obviously I've taken my sweet ass time. I don't know what to do anymore. I have nightmares about being alone the rest of my life. I haven't enjoyed life in years, I feel like I wasted my youth. I'm going through a midlife crisis already, watching everyone else having fun, sharing, being with others, while I have this souless computer to keep me company.
Another reason I want to be with someone is for when I finally meet that person I really like, maybe love, I want to be able to satisfy them. What experienced girl wants to have sex like they are giving instructions. In my mind I think I would do a great job, and would go all night until she was totally pleased, but how the hell would I know if I'm good, I can't know.
Once again my low self esteem gets in the way, making me feel inadequate at something I haven't even tried yet. Of course that is good for the girl, being that I would be happy until she is. I think about it a lot, obviously, and pleasing her is way above my own needs. Probably because I'd be so damn grateful someone could love me the way I lvoe them...but I don't know, not yet.
A big reason its hard for me to get involved is my fear of rejection. I am terrified of it, so I never tried in the first place, and now I feel like its too late in life.
I realize I repeated myself a couple of times, maybe because those ideas bothered me the most... I would love to talk to a close friend in real life about this, but once again, I don't have the courage to say anything, cause maybe I'd just get laughed at, and probably break down in tears, and I'm too scared to cry... cause I'm a guy of course, a strong normal guy.
I can't believe I said all that. So what do you people think, about the trip I'm taking, about my life, whatever. I think I will feel better once I do it, get some confidence, and have a very good sex life. I also think I might regret it, feel that I waited this long (for whatever reason it was, shy or morals or fear) and then fucked it up with this stupid decision, and with someone met over the internet...someone I never met til that day...but do like.
Some might say "Hey, thats the way society is going, and meeting people over the internet is nothing weird." Take into consideration my whole situation, my whole damn life.
And maybe some of you ladies can give me insight on how you would feel if this was your boyfriend, if he had lost his virginity this way, at this age, or if he was still a virgin, at this age.
Thanks for listening. I'm so depressed.
;-(
[This message has been edited by ~~Confusion~~ (edited 19 January 2000).]
There is nothing physically wrong with me. Mentally might be a different story. I'm social, nice, good build, good sense of humor, normal guy I hope. I am very shy though when it comes to girls. I have a situation that I could not talk about with anyone I know, being that I am beyond embarrassed to ask, so being at my wits end, I am coming to you for help.
I'm a smart guy, mature, good all american guy. When it comes to women/sex though, I am as clueless as a toddler. A culmination of the way I was raised, different situations growing up, and the low self esteem and shyness I've grown up with have left me without anybody. I'm not looking for pity, I have enough of that for myself, I'm just letting you in on my background. I'm a full blown virgin (very hard for me to say, cause Im humiliated by it), have barely messed around ever with the opposite sex, and am completely ashamed of it. I'm sure some of you would say I shouldn't be, and others would say I'm a loser...I'm with them.
Trust me when I say this; I'm no freak, not weird looking (great build actually), not weird acting. I have a lot of friends, know a lot of girls, I'm not a recluse. I never talk about my sexual life (being that I don't have one), so nobody really knows how pathetic I am, and I don't want them to know.
Here is my situation: I have been using the internet for years, always talking to people. I talk to girls online the way I wish I can talk to them in real life, and that leads to me knowing many girls online, many who always want to meet. Now I use to make fun of friends who would meet people from the internet (back many years ago, not lately), so I never considered actually ever meeting someone.
In a few weeks I am going on a trip, and happen to be going to a city where a girl I talk to lives. (Been talking for a long time now) Now she wants to meet up, and I know exactly what she wants and what could end up happening. I do like her a lot, but its the internet, and I've always had a bias towards it, and never wanted to meet someone let alone sleep with them.
More background: I have had many past 'offers' of girls wanting to sleep with me, but I was never attracted to them enough and always thought I wanted my first time to be special. Now please understand, I'm not bragging, got nothing to brag about, and have tried to keep a high level of morals. In these situations, half the time I think I'm too shy, the other half I feel I'm holding up my ethics, I don't know which it is anymore. I'm losing my faith and want to sleep with this girl, who I like, but definitely don't know well enough (being that I thought my first time should be with somebody I've met before that day).
Again, I'm just spilling out thoughts from my brain, not organizing them, but typing as I go, being that its a lot to get off my chest.
My other problem is that she is almost 4-5 years younger then me, yet she is sexually more mature...way more mature then me, but who isn't.
Yes, this is pathetic.
I don't know how many of you out there can relate to how lonely I am and how bad I always feel. Even though I have tons of friends, I seem always to be by myself. I can talk to girls, but if the situation turns towards something more emotional, I can't handle it, cause I never have. I'm sick of how things are, and I want to be with someone, but I don't want to be too hasty. Of course I'm in my early 20's, so obviously I've taken my sweet ass time. I don't know what to do anymore. I have nightmares about being alone the rest of my life. I haven't enjoyed life in years, I feel like I wasted my youth. I'm going through a midlife crisis already, watching everyone else having fun, sharing, being with others, while I have this souless computer to keep me company.
Another reason I want to be with someone is for when I finally meet that person I really like, maybe love, I want to be able to satisfy them. What experienced girl wants to have sex like they are giving instructions. In my mind I think I would do a great job, and would go all night until she was totally pleased, but how the hell would I know if I'm good, I can't know.
Once again my low self esteem gets in the way, making me feel inadequate at something I haven't even tried yet. Of course that is good for the girl, being that I would be happy until she is. I think about it a lot, obviously, and pleasing her is way above my own needs. Probably because I'd be so damn grateful someone could love me the way I lvoe them...but I don't know, not yet.
A big reason its hard for me to get involved is my fear of rejection. I am terrified of it, so I never tried in the first place, and now I feel like its too late in life.
I realize I repeated myself a couple of times, maybe because those ideas bothered me the most... I would love to talk to a close friend in real life about this, but once again, I don't have the courage to say anything, cause maybe I'd just get laughed at, and probably break down in tears, and I'm too scared to cry... cause I'm a guy of course, a strong normal guy.
I can't believe I said all that. So what do you people think, about the trip I'm taking, about my life, whatever. I think I will feel better once I do it, get some confidence, and have a very good sex life. I also think I might regret it, feel that I waited this long (for whatever reason it was, shy or morals or fear) and then fucked it up with this stupid decision, and with someone met over the internet...someone I never met til that day...but do like.
Some might say "Hey, thats the way society is going, and meeting people over the internet is nothing weird." Take into consideration my whole situation, my whole damn life.
And maybe some of you ladies can give me insight on how you would feel if this was your boyfriend, if he had lost his virginity this way, at this age, or if he was still a virgin, at this age.
Thanks for listening. I'm so depressed.
;-(
[This message has been edited by ~~Confusion~~ (edited 19 January 2000).]
