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i'm so close to done

mrflowers00

mrflowers00

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
May 23, 2010
Messages
3,693
Location
santa rosa, CA
i see no reason to live even if my dreams are fulfilled i'll still be a depressed loser who hears voices and can't stand other people i have friends but i hate most of them i have family but i hate most of them the only reason i haven't killed myself yet is because i love my dad,gpa,and half sister from my mom's side too much i fuckin' hate my mom but i feel the need to talk to her probably some abandonment issues fuck it it doesn't matter if i know whats bothering me it's still gonna bother me until i die so i'm really close to shooting my brains out of popping a shit ton of pills
 
i see no reason to live even if my dreams are fulfilled i'll still be a depressed loser who hears voices and can't stand other people
Click to expand...

You are thinking like this because you are depressed.
Depression is not permanent. There are many routes that lead out of it.
You may need long-term therapy, drugs, or serious self-work.
For the immediate present, I strongly suggest therapy, because talking to someone almost always makes us feel better.

Whether you are a loser depends on your perception of yourself.
End your depression, and you will no longer look like a loser.

You hear voices? See a therapist. It is possible to recover from even severe schizophrenia.
It is almost certainly linked to your depression. You can end them both, if you get help.

You say you can't stand other people, but you named 3 people in your family that you love.
That is more than some people have in a lifetime.
Maybe you should focus more on the people you love, including yourself, and less on those you can't stand.

If your dreams are fulfilled, THAT would be terrible, if you ask me.
People who fulfill all their dreams no longer have anything to live for, except if they create some new dreams.

Get some help, even if it takes some time, and come through this a stronger, happier, and more positive person.<3
 
You may need long-term therapy, drugs, or serious self-work. done/do all of that it's endless and yes i have a gun and pills
 
^ It might seem endless, maybe. But how long have you been doing these things, really?
2 years? A decade? It might take longer. But time doesn't matter. Your effort and purpose does.
Health and happiness are a route, not a final destination.
But as you work, over time, you will see results.
Undoubtedly.
If you die, not only will you not see results, but you will hurt the people you love more than you can possibly imagine.
If you live, you can work toward health and happiness and become a force for good in this world.
You can start your life anew any day you choose.
Wake up early, meditate or pray, go for a walk or run.
Eat healthy food.
Figure out what you love. Music, art, animals, physics, cooking, movies, traveling, car racing...
Doesn't matter what it is, as long as you love it.
Then, do it. Focus on it. Become an expert in it.
As you learn, and progress, you will naturally see your depression weaken.
It might not fade entirely, but it will get weaker and weaker.
You live in a beautiful area. You have culture and nature.
Use both to heal.
Go see live music. You have the best bookstores and restaurants in the world in the Bay Area. Use them.
You can go to amazing beaches and forests. Use nature.
Maybe you are young. Maybe not. Doesn't matter. Time will help you, as long as you keep working toward your goal.
You won't be depressed forever. People go through this kind of thing and emerge better than before.
Make sure you let your father, grandpa, and half-sister know that you love them. Let them know what you are feeling. They can help you.
You can do it. <3
 
I clicked on the thread title because I recognize that feeling. Mr. Flowers, I don't blame you for feeling like that, and I thought you expressed yourself so well that you expressed myself too. So close to done is a hard fkkn place to hang out.

I admire and respect your humanity inside the pain of your post.
 
I have not delt with being suicide directly, but through sever anxiety attacks, and opiate withdrawal... i would often plan and gather supplies for the "task". the only reason i didn't was family, i understand that people in your life you "hate" well i have been there to.. honestly not to make light of your situation AT ALL, but that is a common issue that many people deal with. I truly feel for you... i know that empty feeling it the end is no where in sight, wether you see it or not... Im here to tell you the end is much closer than you think... in fact i think the fact that you are expressing the feeling you are having via the internet is a great step towards the end! making support channels and talking, talking is great! seriously finding someone that relates to you.

the thing that is so difficult about ideation is that its soooo hard to believe there is an end.. and i understand but i wish i could somehow show you...

im gonna say it... i know its cliché but... ending your life is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.




(i guess i wrote this just to let you know your not alone. if what im writing doesn't make sense, or its just stating the obvious... but hey OP you can PM anytime... literally...) (*sigh* fucking methamphetamine!)
i
 
mr flowers, the depression does end. These feelings never last, and there are many steps you can take towards a good life. Slimvictor brings up some great points that there's a lot that you can do, and it might take some time but in the end you will see results. There are many things we can't change, especially those that happened in the past, so all we can do is work towards a better tomorrow.
 
Mrflowers, I'm reluctant to give advise over your ordeal but I feel compelled to do so anyway. You've tried everything? Not being a depressive the idea of killing yourself is an anathema to me. Try anything first, seriously whatever you want. Pack a bag and go travelling round the states. Or spend some money and go to a strange place, volunteer to build whatever or something! You're clearly an able minded guy, don't rob the world of what you could offer.

Listen to 'depression' by Black Flag so you know that you're not alone! Just do what you have to do to hang in there (not a popular view but even drugs). You'll look back on this stage of your life and laugh (hopefully) realising that you were getting your knickers in a twist over nothing. When you have other people to worry about, your lack of self worth will dissipate. Nihilism is not cool and you'll hurt someone if you act rash. Seriously hang in there and what is driving this? If it's a chemical imbalance I don't know but if there's something that you can eradicate from your life, do it. I've been to the Normandy landing sites when I was at school, when you think about the horrendous loss of life there,it makes you think.
 
i dont know what i can say that i didnt already say in one of your other threads, or someone here hasnt already said here, but this isnt the way to end it. nor do i think its the way you want to end it. you wouldnt be coming to us for support in several different threads if this was the case. i feel terrible that we cant do more, but i feel like if you didnt end it right now, you would soon enough experience SOMETHING that made you very glad you didnt. like others have said you are not alone in this, but you yourself have to be open to change. you cant plan on and expect to feel the same every day, and thus do the same thing every day. try at least one new thing before you decide to end it all at least, you owe this to yourself. im so sorry that you are feeling the way you are, and have been for so long. on every thread youve posted, youve had numerous people begging you not to do anything, and telling you it WILL get better. while most of us probably havent experienced the same depth of depression, we have lived through our own shit that sure as hell wasnt easy, and we are ALL telling you it will get better. i dont think every single one of us is wrong or lying to you. we just want you to stick around <3 <3 im sorry if my words sound cheap, but i cant read about someone in your situation and do nothing, and i dont know what else to say
 
i appreciate everyone caring but it doesn't change how i feel about life it's a pointless hollow bleak monotonous thing that just isn't suited to me i have a plan to kill myself as soon as the people i care most about are dead and i can honestly say i'm eagerly waiting for the day
 
A lot of the time, I don't want to go out in the world....I feel like, there's just no chance of ever being truly happy....I have a girl that loves me and it doesn't make a difference a lot of the time! I think, "she just loves because she doesn't know anu better....
I hate dealing with the daily routine of everything, the bullshit....
I'm depressed as shit right now, but I've been through it before and shit HAS gotten better.
I wanna die a lot of the time but I'm not gonna kill myself! Someone's gotta kill me!....
I don't know if I was born like this, screwed myself up with drugs....society did it to me....It can change...Stop thinking so much about it and just try to do anything..the smallest thing to get out of your head..
that's what keeps me goin, but it's not always easy, man!
Things will swing back the other way......fuck suicide! soldier up and take a walk....write a blog!!
 
Wanting to be a wolf? That's awesome man. Perhaps you should read some Carlos Castaneda stuff or any work by the native americans, you sound like a badass man. Don't let the voices keep you down. I'm insane and I'm still here.
 
Listen man you said it youself. You are so "close" to being done. That means you haven't given up. Never give up and always fight and live on no matter how hard it gets, b/c there is no other way.
 
The fact that you care enough to not let them know you killed yourself proves that there are people that love and care about you, and isn't that enough to know you have something to be happy about? It's a very unique feeling. Really focus in on it. Have you ever tried meditation?
 
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