I'm slowly slipping away again

[bdomihizayka]

Hey All. I have been on the psychiatric merry go round most of my life. Been treated by the "best" psychiatrists and therapists". I am 26 and just going back to school.

I was in remission you could say for 4 years. Then last week, all my panic and troubles can rumbling back into a full blown panic attack that never fully went away (residual anxiety).

I have the weirdest problem and I hope at least one other person here can relate to me. I have pure-O - OCD. I get obsessive thoughts- mainly on bodily functions such as blinking, breathing, swallowing, etc. I become aware of these functions and then just can't stop thinking of them and the samsara of anxiety is never ending. I don't live my life in this state, I exist in full blown panic.

This was all brought on again by suboxone- that shit exasperates my OCD, and it put me in a full blown panic attack- and I am NEVER taking it again.

I am scared to death of medication. I read about Peter Breggin, Giovanni A.Fava, and others who demonize psyche meds. And I agree, we don't know what exactly is depression or OCD or schizophrenia..... but we throw people drugs that we know nothing about in terms of long term use, and just hope for the best. I haven been burnt by the withdrawals of effexor for example, and it made me feel INSANE for months. Same with benzos.

Anyways, I've been on benzos, ssris, snris, tricyclics, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, and stimulants.


Surprisingly, stimulants are the only med I have ever tried that COMPLETELY takes away my obsessive thoughts and anxiety.

Maybe my OCD is from the ADD somehow?

So before giving up completely... I think it's time to give treatment another round. Regimenting my life more effectively, and possible introducing meds into the equation.

Anyone else familiar with pue-o ocd?

 

[RockerRaver]

Hey man, i usually dont post on here but you caught my attention. I've got pure o too and I completely understand how frustrating it can be. I just read a really good article on a way to get past it. I've been practicing and noticed immediate progress. Check it out http://hope4ocd.com/foursteps.php

 

[placid space]

I guess I cannot relate to that extent but I have had occasions in the past where I became very aware of my breathing and couldnt stop thinking about it and whether Im going to still breathe( if I fall asleep for example) ... Or sometimes It was thinking of something that I couldnt stop it. Blinking happened a few times. And some other things. What I did at those times , in short, was I brought it to the absurd. Its difficult translating something from a mental exercise to a written word, loses a lot of its meaning. But in essence, If I couldnt stop thinking about something I forced myself to not stop thinking about it, I forced myself to think about it all the time, I told myself how the world is going to end if I stop thinking about it etc... stupid sh+t like that to realize how much of a lunatic Im being behaving this way. And then I turned it around and forced myself to think that im not a lunatic that its very serious, I must think about breathing all the time. Just scr+wing around. It takes a few tries but eventually you gain some distance from your thoughts and see them for what they are and how fleeting and powerless they actually are.

Even if they wont go away for a while, I just said fine, be there, I dont give a sh+t. If I couldnt stop thinking about breathing or blinking I also tried either bringing it to the absurd, combining it with stupid cr+p or using it for relaxation. Or proper inhalation/exhalation (lots of people dont breathe properly (yes there is such a thing)) and just saying fine+ scr+w you, Ill just be aware of each breathe, Ill at least do it right. Then try keeping it there, forcing it. Playing with it. The more you play with them, the more you force this or that way, the more the mind itself starts reflecting on it a bit and seeing it from a bit further away. Not identifying anymore completely with those thoughts. But rather just seeing them and letting them be. And they lose their power.
But that is only a trick that worked for me. I suggest meditation, IMO better than any drug, counselor, therapist, ph.d prof. doctor astronaut genius guru. Plain buddhist meditation.

 

[herbavore]

I think that despite the predominance of over-medicating and wantonly prescribing things that make the situation worse, finding a very good psychiatrist is still your best bet. I like the link that Rocketraver posted. Finding a psychiatrist that is familiar with this work would be a good starting point. Transitions are always hard for people with both ADD and OCD. (And I do think they can be related.) Going back to school has no doubt caused you anxiety at a deep level so it makes sense for your symptoms to flare up. Don't despair--try to use your rational mind to say, these symptoms are a condition that I am learning to manage, they are not me. That degree of separation in your thinking can be an important portal. Having faith that you can learn to manage your own mind takes a supreme effort. I think that faith in our own ability to heal from the inside is one of the toughest battles we face as human beings.

 

[bdomihizayka]

Thanks for the comments! I am glad (and terribly sorry) that I am not alone in this type of OCD.

I'm going to try and get back on stimulants, but if I am refused them and given antidepressants......

Will I be myself on antidepressants? Will Anafranil change me and my brain? Do I have to take this for the rest of my life? Isn't it going to take away my sex drive?

What about antidepressant withdrawal? Paxilsurvivors and Survivingantidepressants Benzobuddies ..... Dr. Peter Breggin.... all talk about how horrible antidepressants are and how damaging they are

I'm between a rock and a hard place. And I'm a Buddhist to boot- I know the nature of the mind and yet it still cripples me.

I am literally on the verge of suicide tonight. I can't take these intrusive thoughts.

 

[herbavore]

Oh, hang on sweetheart! I know this must be very exhausting for you. Take it hour by hour for tonight. I'm here if you want to talk.