I'm scared to go to rehab... advice?

[krumpie]

I'm a 4 year long opiate addict with 2 years of IV heroin use. I'm currently on day four of my heroin withdrawal, using suboxone for detoxing. I've been prescribed suboxone on and off for maybe less than a year now(?) and I always seem to fall backwards. I'd take my subs, then I'd have cravings, stop for a few days, and then sell my script for dope. Then I'd go back on suboxone once I ran out of money/options to get my fix.

I'm sick of this crap and I'm thinking of going back to rehab, but I'm afraid. I have a new job, which I've ALREADY taken A LOT of time off and I'm afraid I'll be fired. Plus, I don't want my family to know I've been using again. They're sick of me relapsing, they've said it enough for me to not go to detox/rehab these past maybe 4 lapses. I've had to use suboxone on the street to detox so to not raise the alarm to my family. Plus, I want to quit this shitty job I have currently to go back to my job with my father, but I don't want him thinking I can't do it like last time because I'm susceptible to relapsing and taking time off and eventually losing that job AGAIN. I've quit/been fired by my father plenty of times but I'm a good worker so he always took me back. I'm tired of their disappointed looks and words, but I do deserve it. They don't understand addiction because they've never been through it. None of my family understands except for my aunt who has had a heroin addiction but kicked it with help of suboxone.

When I first got on suboxone I thought I'd finally be okay, but I've relapsed so many times on it I feel like NOTHING is going to help me. That's another reason why I'm scared of going to treatment, because I've been so many times before that I don't want to risk losing my job or my family's limited trust for something that might not even help me. I've almost lost all hope. The only hope I have left is I can kick this habit like my aunt and my LT boyfriend with over a year under his belt, but it took him 7 years to get there, and that's my fear... that I'm gonna do this for the next 5 years before getting clean... if I even make it that far. *sigh* I'm just at a loss for what to do. I'm not getting my suboxone script until 4 more days and until then I have to hound the streets for some to hold me over til then. Even so, I think I should go to rehab, even if I think it won't help or I might disappoint people and lose my job.

...

So yea, that's my long story short. Does anyone have any advice for someone that feels like they need treatment but has things holding them back from doing so? Should I just wait til I can get my suboxone script in 4 days or because I've used my script for bad purposes that I need OTHER treatment on top of the suboxone? Also, methadone is not an option for me since my insurance does not cover it. I'm just so confused, scared, depressed, and I just want out... Help?

-Krumpie

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey Krumpie.. sorry you are struggling with this. If you have been to rehabs before what do you think going again will do. If it is a twelve step based rehab then why not just jump into the fellowships whit everything you got and finally do what ever it takes.

Another aproach you could take would be to detox off the opiates and then jump on a nalaxone implant >here<.. it provides a safe window that prevents you from six to twelve weeks. You could then use this period to get into a strong recovery.

Here is another aproach to support Thread: SMART Recovery (Support Group information and discussion)


Varied Approaches to Addiction Recovery


What do you think going to rehab will do this time that it didn't do last time or the time before. I think that recovery almost always fails until we put it as our number one priority in our lives until we get allot of time under our belts. Rehabs start to show is the way and introduce us to recovery, but its not until we take the bull by the horns and dive into that introduction and develop a recovery plan and implement it that we will succeed.. If I can do this then so can you!!!

 

[krumpie]

Thanks for replying! Yea, I agree that if it didn't work before then how could it possibly work now, I'm just at a loss of what to do. Twelve step programs are my least favorite programs to go through. I'm just uncomfortable with the whole "God" thing they like to throw in there. I'm an atheist, so obviously the whole "we're not a religious group" lie bothers me. I do love SMART Recovery meetings though, I just can't ever seem to get to one on account of my work schedule. I try to get to one as much as possible, but it's not too often that I can make it to one.

I might try the nalaxone after I get off of suboxone. Also, thanks for the links! I'm gonna go read them right now.

 

[neversickanymore]

No problem.. when you look through the smart program info I believe you will find that meetings are offered on line.. this may be something you consider. There are allot of people who get a little hung up with the god thing here is >Alternate version of the twelve steps<.. even thought the fellowships are shrouded a little in mysticism doing the steps provide specific psychological healing and directs us to live our lives in a way that will prevent us from hitting a huge relapse causing road block of emotions. If you dont like the god thing then just look at them for what they actually are.. a way of going in and clearing and healing from the emotional back log and hust of our addictions and then a way to live our lives promoting positive emotions while try to avoid negative ones. also I know smart is always looking for people to start new meetings so if there isn't one in your area or isn't one at the time you need I would look into starting one. Also what are you planning to do to make it through the PAWS and to replace that excitement of the drug game with something allot more exciting and interesting?

 

[Jabberwocky]

are we talking rehab or detox? fuck the job.. go to a 3-6 month rehab program. have them keep you in the detox and go through the program in full. how old are you? age matters I feel when it comes to sobriety but realize the sooner you are off the better. I am 30 now but have been trying to get clean since I was 18/19. I went to jail and stayed clean for 5 years after my release but it all caught up to me again and it set me back.. way back! I have been on Subox for last few months and feel great. Doesnt work for everybody but working for me and I am happy as shit. I was shooting 1-2grams a day. I was miserable; I wanted out, had enough, couldnt take anymore.

getting clean can be done.. you must want it, feel it, and need it. I never have before until my last OD. it finally hit me.. get the fuck off.. and I have been since that day.

 

[smokemctoke420]

What do you think going to rehab will do this time that it didn't do last time or the time before. I think that recovery almost always fails until we put it as our number one priority in our lives until we get allot of time under our belts. Rehabs start to show is the way and introduce us to recovery, but its not until we take the bull by the horns and dive into that introduction and develop a recovery plan and implement it that we will succeed.. If I can do this then so can you!!!

^this. you will know when you want it. you will just straight up say "im gonna do this". but then you gotta utilize the tools you got around you. start by talking to a positive friend that doesnt use. (i only have 3 of them, 1 smokes bud but that dont count lol) and open up to that friend. i had to tell a few people that i was a dope fiend. they knew i was back on it they just didnt know it was dope. but to clear the air i had to tell them and start off not hiding secrets. you will be suprised how many people wont just up and leave you when you need help.

you got this man!

 

[Opanaking]

My advice would be this. Make sure you are ready to quit, Once you have the feeling you'll know it. Your best bet would be to taper off the subs and stop using heroin. If you taper the withdrawal will be more manageable but still annoying.

I'm also on my forth day of withdrawal from PST which I have been taking for over a year after being clean for a good 9 months.

From what i'm reading it sounds like you want to stop what your doing. Use the subs for what they are made for. Take them and nothing else and taper down before you jump off. Cold turkey is tough but also an option. I would say cold turkey should be last resort though, because sometimes if the withdrawal is to bad it can cause us to relapse.

I hope you figure out a plan and get off. It sounds like you want it.

 

[Cancerdead]

I agree with using the suboxone, it will keep you from doing more dangerous things but be wary, it is addictive and you will go through withdrawal when you stop taking it. Try to only take what you need to not get sick. I won't tell you not to listen to a doctor but I've seen a lot of people being told to take 3-8mg subs a day from their doctor and that is just WAY too much. Anything you do that stops you from using the other stuff is a good first step. Consider yourself lucky you have health insurance and a script of suboxone. I had to get mine off others and boy was that a freaking nightmare. Anyway, good luck and try to find something to keep your mind busy, the hardest thing for me is the dreadful boredom, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't catch myself being bored as all hell, wishing I had something. Hangout with friends who don't use and encourage your clean living, I find when I'm bored and thinking about using that just picking up a book or making some plans with good people completely takes my mind off of it. Of course everyone is different, you just have to find what works for you.

 

[Dr. Dope]

Everybody find different ways to beat their habbit and anything that works for that individual is best. The physical withdrawal symptoms are definitely the other edge of the sword to heroin addiction, but probably not the worst part. The worst part is relapsing which is the hardest part to beat. Personally I haven't been addicted to heroin but I have been addicted to and sobered up off of oxycodone. Knowing how different an oxy comedown is compared to a heroin comedown I can only assume that heroin is an entirely different hell of withdrawals and are probably x100 worse. However, when I look back to my oxy withdrawals it was only a few weeks of my ENTIRE life. It was the only thing that got me through them, the realistic thought that once im over them I could potentially never have to deal with it again. But of course I had to deal with them again because I just couldnt seem to keep away from them, even when as i was doing them I knew it was a terrible idea. Because of this rehab started becoming an option for me in my family's opinion, and because like you said I had a job that I wanted to keep I decided to meet them halfway and give therapy a try. I used to be anti therapy, thinking that it was just something rich soccer moms did. Wow though, it should be on everybody's to do list. In therapy you can figure out WHY you feel like doing it and WHAT makes you want to do it. My therapist essentially showed me how to re wire my own brain and make me think differently. Sure there is still craving and temptation but I find it is easier to resist. I still use drugs but I would say I'm not addicted to any in particular. I'd say therapy mixed with the drug assisted withdrawal would help get you off of it in the long run, however when I was doing therapy oxy became increasingly harder to become a hold of. Maybe if you tried to put yourself in an environment where dope is hard to obtain you would think its easier, i.e. live with your parents for a while and delete your connects number. Remember sobering up is not impossible anybody can do it, you have to WANT and be determined to be sober (you sound like you do).

P.S. The boredom like the poster said above me was the worst part for me too. Also just like my mom says "Show me your friends and i'll show you your future". Nobody likes to hear they have made bad choices in friends, and I personally kept all my friends who use, but in reality I dont think I would have ever considered using heroin or meth if it wasn't for my friend group and I wouldnt have a criminal record. Maybe you should hang around sober friends, or at least friends who dont use "hard" drugs. If you dont have any friends that dont use hard drugs, which is something I'm dealing with, then try making new friends. It sounds hard, hell I still don't know what TOTALLY sober friends do when they hangout, but it actually is really easy to meet new people.

 

[shroomster]

I went to rehab 7 times. When I was serious, the last time, the 6 months away from my drug of choice helped TREMENDOUSLY. I relapsed shortly afterward, though. Still, I wouldn't trade those 6 months for anything, as I learned a great deal about myself. Personally, I would have never made it unless I was in a facility, but I was coming off a very long and heavy binge.

I don't think its the group therapy bullshit in rehabs that help; it's simply being separated from the drugs for extended periods of time with other people.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I did rehab 4 times and one of those times was a 6 month inhouse rehab where I wasnt allowed off the property, had a job in the house, etc. that also had to do w/ court, too.. but it was still a rehab/in-house rehab and that helped alot. although, one thing I suggest is to NOT always MAKE FRIENDS w/ the people you meet in those places. sure, some may come out w/ great relationships and help one another. then there are times you keep in contact w/ the wrong people and you go down a fucking HOLE and can barely get out - AKA - ME. I was in a 6 month in-house (prior to going to jail) and met my dealer who got me heavy into the dope scene. I DO NOT BLAME HIM AT ALL, so do not think I am doing that. what I am saying is BE CAREFUL and THINK LONG TERM!

My most recent OD led me to a rehab/psych ward because they took it as a suicide attempt (it was far from it but I yelled while at the hospital and said "you act like I am trying to kill myself" to my mother". anyway, I was pissed that happen but it changed my life and led me to this recovery I am going through now. the psych ward was much different than your typical rehab; you see people truly suffering from things THEY CANNOT CONTROL; meanwhile I am in the psych ward because I PUT MYSELF THERE DUE TO DRUGS. these others did not; although, some were there for abuse but it was different than mine. that setting truly changed my life and the way I see the world. I met some cool peeps but didnt let it come w/ me outside the psych ward because I learned from my past. since that day I could not be more confident in my recovery (btw, I am on subox, so its not totally me but my attitude could not be better).

like all said prior, its YOU who HAS TO WANT IT! if you are only going to "try" cuz your mom/dad/sister/brother/girlfriend/boyfriend/whoever wants you to get clean, then you will most likely release and end up back where you started. but once you come to the decision that YOU HAD ENOUGH and you WANT TO BETTER YOUR LIFE, then you will be the one leading that GREAT LIFE TO COME! trust me, man. I was junked out for many years. but for the last 4 months you'd be SHOCKED at the changes that I have made.

1. new job (left old one due to bad habits and thoughts it led to).
2. new apartment (left old one for same reason as above; bad thoughts memories)
3. started talking/sleeping over my parents house more often to show them I am good and get to know the sober me
4. left girlfriend (she was great but she wanst for me; and I put myself in a hole thinking WHAT IF I leave her and how it would make her SAD and ME SAD; but yet it drove me to drugs so I had to).
5. I have already saved close to 10k since I stopped (think of all the money you'd have if not)
6. people now trust me and look at me differently; they real person; everyone says I look younger, better, healthy, etc.

dude, the list goes on and on. you just NEED TO WANT IT!

I wish you nothing but the best.