Im scared for myself

[chris_p]

Three weeks ago I tried MDMA for the first time in a long time and it felt amazing. I couldn't think of anything but trying it again constantly nonstop. Next thing I knew I ordered 600mg MDMA and 25mg xanax. I took 2 xans with 200mg mdma and felt great and had the sudden urge to consume all of the mdma and xans I had on me afterwards I completely blacked out and woke up on the floor with shattered glass everywhere and blood on the floor and cuts all over my body. I have zero recollection of what happened. In the state I apparently ordered another gram of MDMA and 25mg of xanax which is currently sitting in the postal office waiting to be collected. I can't think of anything but going there to collect it and take more even though I know the exact same thing is going to happen. What do I do ??? I haven't been to work for the past two days and called in sick. If I tell them what I have been doing I will definitely loes my job. But I can't think of anything else at this moment but taking more mdma and xanax. Should I call a rehab center or a mental health clinic? I relaly want this to stop but I feel no other point. I feel like I want to overdose on MDMA and die a happy death. My last memory after taking all the mdma was seeing myself as a huge purple four headed god connected to the entire universal consciousness playing with us like finger puppets. I have no desire besides going there and seeing that beautiful thing again and having that beautiful experience. If life is about happiness I don't see why I must keep working and suffering and pretending when the way there is so much easier. How can I fix this???

 

[cycloprop]

I'd say to lock up your substances somewhere where it will be harder to get to them, like a safe. You should get rid of all of your xanax too, if you're worried about compulsively taking more MDMA, blacking out and taking it all definitely isn't going to help.

 

[chris_p]

I just picked up the molly and xans. Not sure what to do with it at this point. Maybe I will just take all of it and see what happens

 

[lecroute]

Maybe I will just take all of it and see what happens

please don't do this!

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

25 mg of alprazolam is a lot of benzo. You are probably having some rebounds, as well as molly comedown. These issues resolve with abstinence. Particularly molly urges do not last really longer than some weeks in my experience. If you manage to get yourself 'rekt, you are probably laughing at it after a month. Benzo urges can last longer if you have tendency to anxiety. Benzos most probably won't make you happy in long-term tho', they are really bad for you.

Doing all those drugs could make it something like IDK 4x longer and arduous process to return to baseline. It is not linear scale. I would suggest doing quick taper with alprazolam, but if alpro makes you impulsive and dumb, it is not probably going to end well. You could solve issue by getting really balls deep into polysubstance abuse and doing pregabalin until you are fine, and that is how I regularly solve these issues, and that's why I know it causes more issues and you would eventually need to get sober and feel some kind of distress, probably much more than what was previously granted.

If possible, give the drugs away to your friend, or just throw them away (I have never done this and I understand if you don't want to do that). Tell them that if you insist, they should give the drugs to you, because it should not be your friends task to manage your substance abuse with risk of getting insulted or worse on your unstable moment. Take time off as much as possible if you feel like having to participate in work would predispose you to continuing abuse. Most important is, that you get something else to think and recover on your own pace.

What you are feeling is very familiar to me. It is that feeling of darkness when you understand you are not in control anymore, and you are risking losing yourself in the process of being slave to a drug. It feels like tightrope walking-you can not know what happens next. All you can do is try your best and see how far it goes. It is important to be honest to yourself right now, which goes hand in hand with forgiving yourself. The sooner you forgive yourself and get back on your intended tracks when you relapse, the less you need to deal with those dark feelings later. This might seem counter-intuitive, but riding by guilt will not work.

I can not comment on rehab, given various reasons.

Best of luck.

 

[Shinji Ikari]

Flush em. The rest will work itself out.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

Your pattern of thought seems internally coherent but it has lots of flaws and simplifications. You seem genuinely distressed. Do not give those cognitions too much attention and power. It will look much more clear down the line if you manage to be off for a good while. These rebounds and comedowns can last much longer than you even realize, you might even think at some point that they are over, but then realize after two weeks, that you were still tainted back then. Not many drugs take as long to recover of than molly and benzos.

 

[chris_p]

Thanks guys. I don't think this situation will last for very long, I'll probably just finish this shit and face the consequences. I've already spent near half my paycheck in the last week after buying all this crap so I won't be able to keep it on for long if I want to be able to afford groceries or rent. This'll be my last time taking these drugs until December payday rolls around... I have honest to god never in my life been hooked on anything like this. I have done Methamphetamine, Heroin, Cocaine but none of them captivate me the same was as xanax and molly. It truly feels like a cure-all to all my problems. Every pain or trauma or anxiety I have ever had melts away in an instant like I gain full immunity to it. I really just wish it could last forever. Maybe I will learn something from it when it's all over. For now I will just take a small amount of MDMA and keep the xanax for the morning... since it tends to make me overdo it on whatever other drug I'm taking with

 

[Shinji Ikari]

For now I will just take a small amount of MDMA and keep the xanax for the morning

Or, and hear me out here.

Don't do that.

Flush em.

 

[Opana313]

Yeah man save a benzo or two(not ALL of them, this will lead to blackout and tragedy) for the END of your roll.

Moderation should be your main focus when using any drug but definitely more so for these kind and this situation that you do not want to have happen again ya know? Just take it easy and mellow and see if a moderate dose of molly will help you sort things out that may be bothering you or suppressed.

 

[chris_p]

Or, and hear me out here.

Don't do that.

Flush em.

Every muscle in my body is saying no. I would probably cry for a month straight if I flushed a gram of MDMA

Yeah man save a benzo or two(not ALL of them, this will lead to blackout and tragedy) for the END of your roll.

Moderation should be your main focus when using any drug but definitely more so for these kind and this situation that you do not want to have happen again ya know? Just take it easy and mellow and see if a moderate dose of molly will help you sort things out that may be bothering you or suppressed.

Yes combining the xans with the mdma was a horrible experience and I only remember the 15 minutes of the comeup before I just started ingesting everything I had. There was basically no roll, just an immediate jump from taking the pills to waking up on the floor. Not doing that again

 

[chippermonk]

I can't even see the point of taking the Xanax with it at all. It's just blotting out all the effects of the molly. A little bit is ok for the come down but why ruin a good molly high?
And speaking of molly, why take so much? It's nice in moderation. It isn't something to OD on. Is it possible that it's not really pure and has something mixed in that causes compulsive reusing?

 

[chris_p]

Ended up consuming the entire gram of MDMA over 4 hours. To say I was fucked up would be putting it lightly. Everything looked AI generated and flying all over the place and I could not remember who I was or what was going on. Extreme short term memory loss is still present with significant dissociation. I managed to make it through work without anyone noticing but right now I'm struggling to even put two and two together. I definitely have no more desire to continue taking MDMA. I would not say I didn't enjoy the feeling, but there was something extremely sinister and wrong with it, it felt like I was having some kind of euphoric stroke. There was so much sweat my entire body from head to toe was DRENCHED like I had just been plunged underwater. There's a deep ache whenever I inhale deeply which is worrying. I am very worried at what I might have done to myself but I am fine for now. This drug is very scary when misused. I advise anyone else who looks at this post to never take any higher dose than 100mg. There is no benefit

Or, and hear me out here.

Don't do that.

Flush em.

If only if was that easy to convince me... if I knew what was gonna happen I'd probably do it. Now I have no real desire to take more which is great at least. I think I should've died from that amount I took

 

[Shinji Ikari]

Not much I can say to any of that, not in TDS anyway.

Take better care of yourself.

Peace.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

@chris_p

sometimes a drug is just not for us, and it's a real cool skill to develop a feel for that

from every single thing you have written about it I can tell that mdma is just not for you mate - really rooting for you to come to that realisation yourself

that dose you did was the alcohol equivalent of drinking two bottles spirits, the lsd equiv of 1500ug, or a cannabis edible with 1g thc in it - ie an overdose which is never ever going to be even remotely pleasant and could easily go south

all best wishes

 

[Opana313]

Damn bro. Like I said moderation you should had dosed like around 100mg or something I took a double dose of "pure mdma" and yeah lots of sweating but GREAT time..like I said moderation I think you could have easily of had your final moment in this life,a gram has got to be Overdose material. Very grateful you are alive and well.

 

[Esperighanto]

Sounds like you might have some issues controlling compulsive redosing? I've pushed MDMA on its own up to ~450, and when half MDMA half MDA, to 600mg, and I found ~300mg total of each to be the max at which pushing past has diminishing returns. Never experienced anything like you mentioned in your post though @chris_p, what's your approximate bodyweight? I've rarely been below a hundred kilos, that may be why there are varying dose responses.

My boyfriend ~68kg once took 700-750mg of MDMA all at once and blacked out, pouring onion powder on a lily pad he was painting (canvas on easel) for the sake of adding "texture". It sure did get the job done though, as far as adding texture.

 

[Opana313]

Yeah I feel like all that Xanax played a huge roll in the blackout and ruined the mdma experience although sounds like it would had been nutty geeked way the fuck out.

I realized that now that I have psychedelics available atm, I found that because I AM an addict, that out of no where I recognized that I was re-dosing compulsively with mdma or lsd. When usually I used to just take one solid dose and enjoy the experience. Instead of wasting my drugs trying to get higher, which never really was worth it of course.

 

[Esperighanto]

Yeah I feel like all that Xanax played a huge roll in the blackout and ruined the mdma experience although sounds like it would had been nutty geeked way the fuck out.

I realized that now that I have psychedelics available atm, I found that because I AM an addict, that out of no where I recognized that I was re-dosing compulsively with mdma or lsd. When usually I used to just take one solid dose and enjoy the experience. Instead of wasting my drugs trying to get higher, which never really was worth it of course.

DMT, allylescaline and 2C-B have not shown themselves to build any meaningful tolerance in my experience. Of those, I've known a guy who was a hardcore addict to essentially anything and everything who would treat DMT like colorful crack, and then there's my boyfriend who found he could just develop a daily (often multiple times a day) 2C-B habit in place of his antidepressant when covid caused a shortage. I would take allylescaline every day if I had access to a ton of it, honestly.

The Xanax likely did play a big role in the blackout, but MDMA can certainly black people out too if they're foolish, it seems.

 

[Opana313]

Alleyesacaline? sounds right up my alley.. do you just mean rc chems that are similar to Mescaline like? Such as 2C-B? Maybe? Not sure at all honestly.

It draws my curiosity because not only am I a functioning addict, but hallucinogens, empathogens--+ other types of empathogens or cathinones I have yet to try or obtain.

I really have felt these substances take a fresh look at my ongoing opioid/opiate addiction..so I think it's helping me heal internally(placebo of not, something is working). But of course not enough, I think after the major sub kick then I will heroic dose shrooms for rebirth to hopefully seal the deal..if that doesn't work I am going to seak out Ibogaine.. taper, baby steps and adult psychedelic dosing is my new game plan.

Sorry to get off topic.. @chris_p
Let us know how things be going or rolling? I know you had recently ventured into dmt and salvia world, I am envious of your dmt..I definitely am interested in the vape since I have never tried. Just Shrooms, LSD, Salvia, aco-dmt or det gummies, DXM..I need to get aqointnted with all these OTHER amazing psychedelics. Maybe I will start a different thread.. but enough of my wishlist how you doing brother?