Last night I read back over some blog entries I posted in February and before, while I was still sober. Goddamn I'm just going through the same shit I did back then. Symptoms of sobriety. I mean, of course I was smoking weed to an unnatural degree but life itself was just as disorderly and wearisome as it is when I'm full-on addicted to opioids. I don't know what's got to happen for things to really change but I'm trying my best @ the moment.
As for my current state, I'm fine. Last night I broke down and crushed 5mg oxycodone to snort and chewed another 10mg. I'm not going to punish myself with that cold turkey bullshit but 15mg in a day is a little more than I wanted to use to taper. I waited 24 hours from my last dose too, so I think I'm making headway.
My plan, as I only have 40mg and no $$ to buy more, was to wait as long as I possibly could to dose and take 10mg yesterday, 10mg tonight, then 5 the following two nights then nothing. I wanted to give the pills to a friend to hold for me so I wouldn't increase my dose but this fell through and I'm going it alone. Nobody even knows I'm addicted this time. And this is a pretty severe taper plan for a 40-60mg (not surprisingly, I honestly can't really recall exact doses per day) habit. However, It's all I've got.
I mixed 50mg diphenhydramine and a couple coronas
in with my "dose" too to really get me "high." I really couldn't feel anything besides a little relief from the urge. I stopped craving. So, that's where I'm at today. My legs hurt like hell, I'm starting to sweat and freeze. However, I don't feel depressed. I think because I'm in control of this detox, I feel a little better about it. I'm not giving up and going to rehab or tattling on myself to my parents and begging for money. I'm responsibly cleaning the fuck up and getting along with this life. Not a bad feeling to have at all, I do believe.
And thank...well, whoever...it isn't cold outside. I was coming off of clonazepam in early February and that was miserable. I was freezing 90% of the time.
There are so many things I want to write down, so I won't forget. I want to remember how strong I was to get through this bullshit. It's born out of necessity though. I couldn't just take the money from my upcoming paycheck to pay for more drugs. It doesn't belong to me; the money's going straight out from my wallet to my car lender, my cell phone provider (cuss them!!), my landlord. It's a turning point; I can keep this thing going and lose a lot of my life or I can turn it around and get back to another, more substantial life. I wish I could think of something else right now.
I'm at work until 6pm tonight so that's pretty awesome. After that I'm going running. I ran a mile and walked another 2 yesterday. Hopefully I can run 2 miles today and walk another 2 on top of that. I used to run 3.5 miles almost every day after work. Then it got cold and I can't stand running on an indoor track. I get too dizzy, going round and round.
Haha, I'm out of time. If you read this, have a good day and hope for the best.
As for my current state, I'm fine. Last night I broke down and crushed 5mg oxycodone to snort and chewed another 10mg. I'm not going to punish myself with that cold turkey bullshit but 15mg in a day is a little more than I wanted to use to taper. I waited 24 hours from my last dose too, so I think I'm making headway.
My plan, as I only have 40mg and no $$ to buy more, was to wait as long as I possibly could to dose and take 10mg yesterday, 10mg tonight, then 5 the following two nights then nothing. I wanted to give the pills to a friend to hold for me so I wouldn't increase my dose but this fell through and I'm going it alone. Nobody even knows I'm addicted this time. And this is a pretty severe taper plan for a 40-60mg (not surprisingly, I honestly can't really recall exact doses per day) habit. However, It's all I've got.
I mixed 50mg diphenhydramine and a couple coronas
in with my "dose" too to really get me "high." I really couldn't feel anything besides a little relief from the urge. I stopped craving. So, that's where I'm at today. My legs hurt like hell, I'm starting to sweat and freeze. However, I don't feel depressed. I think because I'm in control of this detox, I feel a little better about it. I'm not giving up and going to rehab or tattling on myself to my parents and begging for money. I'm responsibly cleaning the fuck up and getting along with this life. Not a bad feeling to have at all, I do believe. And thank...well, whoever...it isn't cold outside. I was coming off of clonazepam in early February and that was miserable. I was freezing 90% of the time.
There are so many things I want to write down, so I won't forget. I want to remember how strong I was to get through this bullshit. It's born out of necessity though. I couldn't just take the money from my upcoming paycheck to pay for more drugs. It doesn't belong to me; the money's going straight out from my wallet to my car lender, my cell phone provider (cuss them!!), my landlord. It's a turning point; I can keep this thing going and lose a lot of my life or I can turn it around and get back to another, more substantial life. I wish I could think of something else right now.
I'm at work until 6pm tonight so that's pretty awesome. After that I'm going running. I ran a mile and walked another 2 yesterday. Hopefully I can run 2 miles today and walk another 2 on top of that. I used to run 3.5 miles almost every day after work. Then it got cold and I can't stand running on an indoor track. I get too dizzy, going round and round.
Haha, I'm out of time. If you read this, have a good day and hope for the best.