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I'm quitting H tomorrow - no choice - and I would love some support or anything!

X

xburtonchic

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Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
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For the past three months, since the beginning of May to be exact, I've tried most every method available for quitting heroin... and to no avail. I've tried detox, rehab (which I had to leave after a week so I'm not sure if it even really counts?), and I've tried quitting on my own cold/warm turkey. Each time, I caved into the withdrawals and relapsed. I ALMOST had it the first time out of detox, but the horrible anxiety that came along with stopping Suboxone ruined me. If I'd had benzos then... God, I would have made it. It's so disappointing to know that. :(

Anyway, I am about to try something new - Intensive Outpatient Program. Once I've finished what I picked up earlier today, I have to quit. I have no choice - I start on Monday. Which means I have the entire weekend to be miserable. Normally, the thought of quitting and kicking a bit doesn't bother me. This time, however, I am scared out of my mind. I think it's because this time is very different from the other times I tried to quit, in a few different ways...

For one, this time it isn't voluntary. Both times in detox, rehab, my cold/warm turkey attempts... those were all done by my own choosing. This time, I don't have any say in the matter, and have in fact been fighting it since I was told that I have to go. (I don't like people telling me that I HAVE to do this or that when it comes to MY recovery and when I am a grown ass adult, and I certainly don't like the idea of sitting in therapy for three hours six days out of the week for the next four months, sharing my personal business with a group of other drug-addicted strangers)

Second of all, I've come to realize... I'm not sure if I'm ready to quit. I want to quit, sure, very badly... but that doesn't mean I'm ready. The times before, I honestly thought that just because I wanted it so badly meant I was ready to do it. Clearly, I wasn't. I relapsed each and every time. Those failures taught me a valuable lesson: that wanting something is not equal to being ready for it.

And that brings me to reason number three I'm scared out of my mind: knowing all of the above, knowing I'm not ready, and knowing that this outpatient program isn't even something I want to do (I haven't even started yet and ALREADY they have breached my confidentiality), makes me feel very apprehensive... because at the same time, I truly don't have a choice. My mom found this place on the internet or some shit, set it up, and informed me that it's either this or homelessness for me. I don't have enough money to move out on my own, and probably never would if I were to get kicked out now (and I can only imagine how much worse my life and my addiction would become if I were to be made homeless), so obviously I agreed to do this. My mother also made it very clear that this is it. I can't relapse, otherwise it's back to square one, and my immediate future will include the task of searching for a nice, comfy spot in the streets to go to sleep at night.

Knowing I can't fail, but that addiction is a feisty little bitch and is very unpredictable, and that I can't promise myself or anyone else with 100% certainty that I absolutely will not relapse, has me somewhat terrified. It makes the prospect of withdrawal a lot more frightening as well. I think it's because this time, I KNOW that I HAVE to go through it - going out and copping if I can't take it anymore is no longer an option. No matter how miserable I get... oh well. I just have to suck it up and do it. That scares me. :/

I have Suboxone and benzos (thank GOD) this time, and my plan is to do a rapid taper off the Suboxone. The problem is, my withdrawals are very unpredictable, and so I worry a lot about either starting the Suboxone too soon or it just not even working at all (I only have a couple of the 2 mg pills... which is still better than having nothing, I know). Like, even if it's the SAME DOPE, my withdrawals NEVER start at a consistent time. I've had my withdrawals start anywhere from 6 hours later, to 12 hours later, to 24 hours later. I've been in immense withdrawal within 6 hours/24 hours at times, and other times I've only barely started feeling symptoms within 6 hours/24 hours. They're very inconsistent. That makes it a lot harder to plan this out correctly. Like, I don't know when to plan out my last shot. Preferably, I would do my last shot, wait 6 hours, then take a Seroquel before the withdrawals start and sleep becomes impossible either way, wake up 8 hours later in withdrawal, and take a Suboxone feeling safe in the fact that it's been 14 hours and I should theoretically be able to take a Suboxone. But I can't guarantee that will happen! I might wake up having NO withdrawals at all, and have to be miserable all day, waiting for the right time to take Suboxone... or I might end up kicking only a few hours later, and have to be miserable all night and get no sleep while I wait for the 12 hour mark to hit so I can safely take the Suboxone.

It's all just so fucked up and confusing this time. And it feels so FINAL. I mean... wow. I absolutely CANNOT use, at all, for the next four months, no matter what. This place drug tests three times per week, and I'll be going six days out of the week anyway... it's not like I can show up high on heroin regardless of the drug tests. Heroin has been my crutch for a long time now, and I hate to say it, but it's hard to imagine my life without it. I can't wrap my head around it. Plus I know how bad my cravings get. What if I do cave in and relapse? I'll be so screwed. It's just not an option.

I'm scared of the inevitable misery I'm about to go through, I'm scared I'll fail, and at the same time I'm scared of living my life without heroin. I know it's better this way, I'm SO much better off... but still. I started shooting up for a reason, and those reasons haven't exactly been dealt with yet. Plus when you add withdrawals and cravings and PAWS into the mix. God. It's hard not to be frightened when it's inevitable that all you have to look forward to in the very immediate future is pure misery.

So yeah, I don't know how much it will help but I would really appreciate some words of advice and encouragement while I go through this over the next couple of days. I'll be starting the program on my third day of withdrawal too, so that should be very interesting. Not. More like it will be pure TORTURE. Advice is appreciated too... well anything at all is appreciated.

I will say this much though: as terrified as I am, there is a very small part of me that feels a bit of relief at the prospect of being free of this drug...
 
Hey, bro!
I feel for ya.
I know the feeling you expierience now, actually i have been going through that circle for a looooong time.
I started doing H when i was 17, and am 40 years now.
One thing i recently found out, is that the fear can stop you from moving forward.
My deepest fear, after i had withdrawl from injecting H, has ALLWAYS been relapsing, and after 17 years, i finally quit the H, after i became a Christian.
After that I never touched a needle again though.
But the fear of relapsing kept running in the back of my head...and i did , after more than 5 years of being sober....
But i don't care, for i found Faith in Jesus, and my roots are in Him, so better times will come.

Now i found, that the fear of withdrawl is , or was my biggest fear.
I'm at the same point of no return as you are, but....you gotta be ready for it.
DONE WITH IT!
NOT for the sake of your precious mum.
NOT for the sake of not becoming homeless.
NOT for any other reason, than to be able to enjoy life in FREEDOM again!
If you go into this with any other reason before your eyes, the lies during WDing will convince you, to run away and take the shortcut.

If you leave the door only slightly open, it will burst back open again.
It can take a lot, a whole lot, to come to the point, that you must realise that you can only do this for your own sake.

And i wish i could help you out, put my arms around you, carry some of the weight for you, but i just can't.
But i know you can do it.
Biggest problem is that you think you are not ready, believe me, you'll never be ready.
But you can turn this thing around, let go of the "attempt", but start looking forward, and start walking.
Walk, walk, and keep walking ,until you feel like you are falling down.
And if you fall down, GET UP AGAIN!
I hear you calling out God several times, and i don't want to become religious on you, but shouting to God and asking forgiveness of my way of life and asking Jesus in my heart,
to come and change me from within has changed my perspective of life.
At least now i can speak against the fear and tell it to go away.

You are just at the beginning, don't let the idea of withdrawl scare you out of this.
You will remember what you loved to do and what you liked.
It'll come back, given time.

Don't look back, start walking.
I'm sending all my comfort and blessings to you, and will pray that you will find the strenght to go into this battle, and head out on the road to freedom.
Wish you the best,
greetz, Sleepwalker
 
I've read a lot of posts similar to yours and I can tell that just from the fact that you started out sounding so concerned about not being able to quit that you have a lot going for you, or rather, you have your mind running in the right direction.

It seems like you at once regret and appreciate the fact that you have no choice this time; usually, this can be enough to push an addict to finally remove their substance from their presence.

You sound pretty apprehensive, and for good reason, but try to conserve your energy for when the real challenge arises; you don't know quite what will happened or how you will feel in totality, as this is the first time you've been in this circumstance.

Its good to write down your feelings, as I expect you got at least a moderate load off your chest. I'd recommend a diary; this is pretty much the only non-drug thing that helped me out when I was going through opiate withdrawal. Additionally, I know you will be talking to at least a therapist, but try to have someone "real" to talk to too; that way, you have yourself, a professional, and an understanding friend (three venues, all with unique perspectives to better help your mind cope). Actually, also, find a cat or dog to both talk to and cuddle with; they are remarkably understanding creatures.

This small part of you mentioned at the end: I have reason to believe its much bigger, but that its caged up. Heroin has trained your mind to seek it out and love it, perhaps before all else, and certainly won't spare a part of you which wants to be free. This region of your mind survives! You are not as deep in as you thought! Like I said, your initial statements point to a noble effort for yourself against this tyranny. I think you totally have the potential.

I also sense confusion. You want to get off this drug, but it tells you not to, which you may mistake for coming from your own volition. Opiates are extremely insidious, and will implant messages in your mind. Beware. However, their is nothing wrong with them. Opiates aren't bad. They simply have an effective method of survival. You are the one who must save yourself. If you think religion might help you, then go for it. But I can just about assure you that anyone who quits a substantial Heroin habit will discover new found spirituality in something. What I would recommend is meditating. Actually, some even say that opiate withdrawal can be negated by meditating every day. No doubt it will give you clarity.

Overall, you are mosh of feelings. The excitement for a new day is what strikes me most.
 
I feel for you, I really do. I was in the same position about a decade ago, I decided to not quit and fuck up every chance i had to get clean and ended up on the street. trust me, quitting now no matter how tough is infinetly better than being homeless even for a few days. Living on the street with a habit is horrible, so horrible. Ive been on getting it together for a while now, i ended up living on the street for about a year. sleeping in any space that had a roof or that would provide some kind of warmth.

I got on suboxone maint and it was the best thing i ever did, gave my life stability and hope. i ended up playing around about a year after i was on suboxone and completely got hooked on dope again so i got on methadone and started over. its been working great, havnt had any desire to get high and it keeps the cravings at bay. i always offer it as an option because it DOES work. maybe its worth looking into it?

the only time to quit is when you are ready, not the best rehab clinic or detox facility or drug in the world can change that. you have to WANT it. And i mean want it not to just avoid being homeless and out on the street, but for yourself and the people that care about you, because someone obviously cares about you, and most importnantly, YOUR FUTURE.

IOP can work just as well as anything if you let it work for you instead of against you. Also most IOPs will give you meds to help combat the WD and PAWS. clonidine, soma, seraquel ect. dont let it overtake you the way it overtook me. i lived and breathed heroin and like the saying goes, you live by the sword you die by the sword. heroin is no different...it doesnt leave you with many options. its usually either jail or death. just existing one day to the next sick or just well enough to function gets old quick.

be strong and remember that there are others out there who have been where you are and are going where you are going, so you are never truly alone.
 
Thank you so much everyone for your very kind replies. I found something helpful in all of them. <3

Heroin DOES enslave you in the sense that you begin living one day to the next, until eventually each day is consumed with waking up sick, finding money for your next fix, finding a place to get it, going out to cop it, and then rushing home to fix up the shot that will make you all better. You then proceed to spend the entire day nodding out and occasionally poking yourself with a needle... until you fall asleep, only to wake up and do the same thing all over again.

Thank you all for putting that into perspective, because it's given me another reason to actually want this. It absolutely is no way to live, and when I really think about it, I am tired of it. I actually want my life to go somewhere outside of my bedroom and my heroin-stained bedsheets and car littered with various pieces of cotton and half-full water bottles.

I'm going to try praying, keeping a diary, and meditating this time. I've never tried those before. Maybe all three together will help me stay sane through this. :)

Ironically, the only "real" person I have to talk to is... my old drug dealer! He's been championing me to quit ever since I told him I had plans to... of course, he will gladly take my money while I am still using, but when I say I want to quit he's very supportive of it. There was a time when I told him, "DON'T sell anything to me for at least two weeks, no matter how desperate I start getting." Boy, did I end up regretting that. I ended up having to find someone else to cop from, because he actually listened! And now, he won't give me his new phone number that he's started using exclusively for business. He's told me to call him and bitch at him anytime I need to while I'm kicking, day or night. And as much as I appreciate him and his good intentions, I'm not sure my old heroin dealer is really the best person for me to be leaning on as I go through this. I mean... every time I talk to him, I just automatically associate him with dope, even though he is my friend too. I feel that might make it harder for me. I wish I had someone else to turn to as well, but you know what... fuck it, I'm grateful for what I have, if I'm being honest. Some people don't even have that much. At least I have SOMEONE to turn to, and a roof over my head, and benzos and Suboxone... I have it easy when you really think about it...

I think you guys are right. I need to heed the advice of saving my energy for the battle ahead. It's only... what? One day? Of being miserable? Everything will be fine once I've stabilized on Suboxone. It's just the time leading up to that moment that's going to suck.

Plus I just found out my floors are going to be redone on Monday, which means ALL DAY TOMORROW is going to be spent cleaning the living hell out of my room. Which, as I'm sure you can imagine, has accumulated quite a mess of clothes and CD's/DVD's and mail and other various items over time. Heroin tends to make you stop caring about little things like cleaning your room. What's the point, when all you use the space for is to prepare shots and sleep? Huh. Maybe I'm onto something there. I was thinking that cleaning my room so thoroughly while I'm kicking would be miserable, but maybe I can look at it as like a rebirth... cleaning my room and turning it into a new space that will no longer be used for shooting up drugs, while I start the process of becoming a new me. I guess if I look at it like that, it won't be so bad?

I'm rambling now so I'm going to stop. I just took my last shot and I doubt I'm making much sense lol. I think I'll start cleaning my room now. Thanks again for the kind words guys. :)
 
Is there a reason your mom is making you do doing outpatient over inpatient? From my experience its going to be very difficult for you to make it through the first few weeks while still having the ability to pick your phone up and relapse on a whim. IMO your mom is setting you up to fail by putting lots of pressure on you and by not giving you the best chance for success. I really urge you to seek out an inpatient place followed by outpatient treatment. If a full on inpatient treatment isnt an option then I think you should at least go to a detox for the acute phase of withdrawals. I dont mean to be discouraging I just dont think your being given the best chance to succeed.
 
Because she is a control freak and wants everything done her way, and she thinks this is my last option since I've tried inpatient once before. I can slightly understand her not wanting to pay for another rehab, because insurance won't cover it. And she won't let me try detox again because I got kicked out of the last one for hitting another patient (in my defense, the dumb bitch SERIOUSLY HAD IT COMING and was probably even trying to get me to do that and therefore won, but I don't care cause it made me feel better). Either way, you're probably right, but I'm choosing to go into this with a positive attitude. Knowing that I'll be homeless if I fail is a pretty good motivator for me, because as much as I hate to admit it, I wouldn't know how to survive on the streets and would probably be dead or arrested within a day.

Maybe it's not the best option, but it's the only one I have... I figure I might as well make the best of it. I'm just going to put everything I have into it, what else can I do? I know it will be hard. It's only been a couple of hours since I did my last shot and I'm already catching myself wanting to cop more, so I'm not kidding myself at all regarding how hard it's going to be... but I have to try my best. Maybe the drug tests three times per week and almost daily group meetings will keep me motivated enough to really want to stay clean. I have a feeling Sundays are going to be the hardest, since I won't have anything to do those days. I've tried NA/AA several times and it's just not my thing, so I guess I'm going to have to plan those days out ahead of time... completely jam them with errands and other tasks so that I don't have much time to dwell... idk.
 
Fuck dude i understand the feeling you're experiencing. Depresses me just to think of the hell you're facing, just think of the high you'll get when you beat them withdrawals and finally feel strong again, strong enough to know you only need yourself and no drug.

Goodluck dude, if you relapse man, fall off the wagon so to speak, dont lose heart, just jump back on it.
 
FWIW, I've always found quitting when I kind of have to is easier than when I have more of a choice. For example, whenever I have gotten a call back for a job interview for a good job that requires a drug test I quit then and there, and since I know I can't use it's a lot easier to stop. The mental aspect of knowing what will make you feel all better and being able to get it is what makes withdrawals a lot worse, but when you know you can't get it that mental aspect isn't really an issue.
 
Tommyboy - yeah I'm trying to keep that in mind too! I've never been in the position where I really, truly HAVE to quit and have no other choice before, so I don't know what it's like first hand. But I have heard from many people that kicking in jail, where you know you can't cop, is much easier than kicking on the outside. One of the main things I'm worried about though is how good I am at justifying that it's okay to pick up "just one more time." I already did it tonight, which is just... fuck. I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm really, really hoping that once I'm there, and the prospect of three-times-per-week drug testing and knowing I'll be homeless if I fail is RIGHT IN MY FACE, it will be easier for me to stop making justifications about why it's okay to go cop one more time. Because once I'm there, it will not be okay. Failing my first drug test, I assume, is okay. Failing any subsequent ones most definitely is not.

Basically first thing tomorrow when the gas station opens, I'm promptly driving over there and spending the rest of my money on cigarettes. It will be much easier too when I CAN'T cop even if I WANT to because I'm completely out of money. I've never turned to stealing or pawning or any other shady shit to get money for a sack - I've always just gone through the withdrawals until I legitimately came up on more - so I'm not worried about that being an issue. Especially when I also know that I have to be clean for the program. Makes it even less likely for me to scheme for cash, so I figure that just getting rid of it all now is a good bet. :)

Thank you for the continued replies everyone. I see a few of you saying you're going through the same thing either now or you will be soon, so feel free to PM me if any of you want to talk. Maybe we can help each other out. :)
 
xburtonchic said:
I have Suboxone and benzos (thank GOD) this time, and my plan is to do a rapid taper off the Suboxone.
Click to expand...

If you do it correctly, a rapid Suboxone taper is pretty painless if the doses are planned out and the right amounts are taken at the right times. Well, it's not completely painless, but all of the symptoms are manageable and it's not that hardcore heroin withdrawal that we all fear. This is how I quit heroin, and as a person who really, really hated WD (because of the anxiety mostly), I found a rapid taper to be OK. I was able to do it without losing my composure.

I know you've been struggling a long time, and I can only hope that this time is the one for you. Try not to focus on the fear of being homeless as what's keeping you from using, but instead on where being clean will take you in life. Fear isn't the best motivator for people prone to anxiety. Hope is a good one, though.

As for the outpatient, my best advice is to try and help the other people in the program, and in doing this you will help yourself. This is what I did in treatment in order to survive.
 
Ack dude-- sending you good thoughts and love. i know how you feel, and it's a scary place to be.
 
I continue to see good things, like the fact that you are telling people you picked up today and realize that it was a bad idea instead of joking about it or even worse lying or omitting it; this shows your ability to allow others to help you.

You decide for yourself what is ok. Since you say that it was not ok for you to pick up, I assume that its not ok to use, meaning its not ok to fail a test, but again, you decide. Remember, the Heroin essentially speaks through your mind. If you're listening carefully, you can detect a difference in tone which will tell you whether your mind or the substance is truly speaking.

Now: that you're disappointed in yourself for having picked up is fine, though this should by no means throw your mind off your goal nor should make you think that something is somehow lost.

Another great sign is that you've never taken from others for the substance.

And yet another good indication is that you are trying to do what you can to remove not just the substance but anything that will lead you to the substance or help you get the substance from your presence, like excess money.

Keep being honest with yourself and us.

Peace
 
XBC, I truly pray you can quit.

But being 100% honest: you need to want it. You need to want it deep down, more than anything.

Sure, id definitely say "keep faking it till you make it", meaning keep putting on the front that thats what you want deep down, until you actually DO want it deep down. Because if you do that, its ALMOST the same. And at least until that does happen, you can at least keep doing the things that one would do if they DID want it deep down.

That is, if you actually "fake it till you make it", you will do the same things as if you truly wanted it. You wont use if you follow this advice. Hopefully you eventually want it deep down more than anything. Because once you hit that point, the difficulty of staying clear of them will be infinitely easier.

Keep doing what youre doing. Its the right thing to do if you truly want to quit. And once you DO get that feeling, deep down? Well if you have put in all this work already, it will be that much easier.

I'm rooting for you. I will continue to keep tabs on ya, and i am willing to help ya in any way i can.

Want know one trick? Sounds cliche and cheesy, but it works I promise: write down why you quit and keep that piece of paper on your person at all times. When you get the urge to use, take it out and look at it.

But it cannot be for reasons like "oh i quit because its expensive", if thats the case you'll be justified once you have the cash. The real reason needs to be "I am quitting because my life is a wreck and I want it to be different" or "I am quitting because I am going to die". If you write this down and look at it whenever you want to get high, you will have a harder time justifying to yourself that "one more time". Our brains are great at tricking us and rewriting history. Today you quit because you life is fucked and you are on your way to death, but 2 weeks from now after a bit of time it'll be saying to you "nah thats not why you quit, you quit because of X/Y/Z" instead of the true reason.

Always remember the true reason.

And another thing? take advice. Mine included. Your way obviously doesn't work, you must take advice from outside sources. This one that you basically must do. Your brain loves getting you fucked up and in trouble. And we addicts love to think we can do it our way, but if that were the case, you'd be able to use drugs and have a life. Since you cant, you obviously need outside input on what to do. Its scary, but the sooner you accept that you cannot always trust your brain, the sooner you can start seriously following advice/suggestions.

This one was particularly hard for me as i have ALWAYS relied on my intelligence and brain, but it is true: my brain likes to fuck me over and i cannot always trust it.

If you dont take outside input, SERIOUSLY AND TRULY, you will never break the cycle. Once again: your way doesn't work. Accept that and find advice/suggestions that work for you. Take the ones that do, chuck the ones that dont. But give them a REAL SHOT. None of this "oh i tried it today but it doesn't work for me" bullshit, i'm talking seriously and honestly trying to do what someone suggests for weeks and months.

i've said it before, it wont be easy. If its easy youre doing it wrong.

Also: do NOT rely on "lack of money" as a means to the end. I cannot tell you how many times i said "oh i'll never steal". Well eventually, I did. After years and years and years of never once doing it, but i eventually fucking did it. After years of putting down those that did steal, i fucking did it.

You will cross that line if you continue, trust me. In fact, you will eventually cross every line you once had for yourself. No arguing this point, its a fact, plain and true. In fact theres no arguing any of my points: you can take the advice or leave it. You wont convince me and if you argue/debate its obvious you're only trying to convince yourself. Dont bother. Either do it or dont.
 
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i would tell whomever is making you go that if they don't make you you'll attend AA meetings and just introduce yourself as an alcoholic addict only at open meetings
 
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