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I'm officially a junky

Stay.Blazed.420

Stay.Blazed.420

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 26, 2009
Messages
474
Location
Somewhere up north
Well it started off back in April when I got out of prison. I was depressed, paranoid, anxiety-ridden and absolutely miserable. Since I'm now on probation I have a shit-load of 'conditions' that I must follow, one of which is 'do not possess or consume illegal drugs or alcohol', and 'submit to drug testing on demand of the probation officer or police officer'.

Because of the drug testing, I stopped smoking weed. (completely). I was a chronic and assumed I would be getting regular drug tests, so instead of weed I started opiates because they only stay in the urine for 1/5 of the time THC does, so I thought this way I could still get high and be safe about it and not get thrown back in jail.

I started off with 2mg dilaudid pills. I would sniff them and get unbelievably high. Over the course of the past 8 months I've been using opiates atleast 3 times a week, (only route of ingestion was insufflation) and my tolerance has sky-rocketed. My habit started becoming too expensive, spending upwards of $50 just to get my 18mg fix. Then i meet a new guy who says slamming them will get me more bang for my buck. I was hesitant at first, and put off his offer for over a month until finally I decided to try it. Now instead of sniffing dilly's once ever 2 or 3 (sometimes 4) days, I'm slamming 8mg twice a day.

I woke up at 12pm today and couldn't stand the thought of not having any dilly's or money for them. So i laid in bed sleeping until 4:30pm and I just felt like complete and utter shit. Now i'm doing desperate things, text-bombing dealers phones just to get them to reply. I'm a fucking fiend. I'm an addict. i'm a JUNKY!

I never thought I'd ever become a full blown junky, but now it's gotten to the point that i'm experiencing real and painful withdrawals every single day if I don't stop. I've got needle marks all over my arms that I have to cover from my friends and my family. I feel guilt, but no remorse. I'm too depressed to care about the path my life is taking. I know it's only going to get worse if i continue, and i know the withdrawals i experience now aren't half as bad as they will be in the future, but i'm too miserable with how my life turned out to give a shit. I could be diagnosed with terminal cancer and told I have 6 months to live and i wouldn't give a shit. I don't care if i live or die, it's past that point. My only reason to live is to get high. It's depressing and i hate it. I don't even get the same feeling I used to, I just get high and barely nod off unless I bang my whole pickup at once.

What do I do? Should I go to rehab/detox? I don't think that would work for me, I believe even if i went in there the first thing i would do when i got out is shoot up. That's most likely all I'd be thinking while I'm in there too. My girlfriend doesn't even know how bad my addiction has became, i'm shooting up behind her back and lying about it and while she doesn't know it because she believes what i say - I'm ruining the authenticity of our relationship by lying all the time.
My life's going down the shitter and now i'm a junky. How do i cope TDS? Help me figure out what i'm doing with my life. Please!

I appreciate any response I get from you guys, thank you in advance.
 
Hello, I'm with you on this boat brother. How long have you been wired? I've been hooked for about 6 months now. One piece of advice I'm goig to take since my addiction hasn't relatively been that long is I'm going to do everything in my power to avoid methadone. As much as I love the idea of opiate maintenance i've heard nothing but bad news about with the withdrawal of methadone is because of it's half-life ect.. I've tried tapering but I think the only way a taper will be successful is to use oral ROA but for me that's too expensive because oxies are extremely high price here. I'm attempting to take a few days off work and take seroquel and try to sleep through most of the withdrawal. One thing I always do is remind myself I have the power to take the reins back and start my life up again. People beat this all the time, and if you do end up kicking and relapse DON'T beat yourself up! Relapse is all part of kicking it and if you lose hope you'll end up back in the vicious cycle. People defeat this beast all the time, just have faith in yourself. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to get rid of. I've been living in a place with no family, no real friends. I'm completely alone. For the longest time I felt like you, like opiates had saved my life and made me feel happy again, then the magic leaves, and you're just using to keep yourself from getting sick. I may be depressed after this, but I'll be free. I'll be able to travel without having to panic about finding dope. I won't have to find ways to scramble enough money up. I'll have a choice with what to do with my day.
 
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Frosta said:
People beat this all the time, and if you do end up kicking and relapse DON'T beat yourself up! Relapse is all part of kicking it and if you lose hope you'll end up back in the vicious cycle. People defeat this beast all the time, just have faith in yourself. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to get rid of. I've been living in a place with no family, no real friends. I'm completely alone. For the longest time I felt like you, like opiates had saved my life and made me feel happy again, then the magic leaves, and you're just using to keep yourself from getting sick. I may be depressed after this, but I'll be free. I'll be able to travel without having to panic about finding dope. I won't have to find ways to scramble enough money up. I'll have a choice with what to do with my day.
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OP, this is so true; people do beat this all the time. Many people beat it after years of use. Don't let hopelessness stop you from trying. If detox and rehab are available to you, why not go? Your whole post is honest and desperate and those are two places you want to be to actually make a change. You can do this. Probably the hardest step is going to be admitting to your girlfriend the extent of what is going on but if you want her on your side, you have to. <3 Much love and strength to you.
 
Just because you feel like a junkie now it doesn't mean that you are going to be one forever.
With some hard work and determination you could be a playboy or whatever next year.
Dont label yourself and think that is what you are going to be forever more.
There's a better life to be had out there, go for it.
 
Hey man, stay positive. You are way ahead of the curve here, it took me many years to realize I was a junkie and many more years after that to decide it was a bad thing. So if you are already ready to seek help this early on, I think if you stay focused you will have no problem turning this around.

In fact, it may be a good thing because now you can seek treatment for your underlying problems which led to your addiction in the first place.

Your habit isn't too deep, I would IMMEDIATELY switch to codeine or kratom(both can be obtained fairly cheaply over the internet, codeine probably a little cheaper from the right places), and try to limit your use of those while you seek treatment for depression, anxiety, and possibly even PTSD from your imprisonment. Even if you've got to go to a clinic, TALK to somebody, and talk to a doctor about medication.

It would be best if you would stop cold turkey now, use DXM/loperamide/black seed oil to get you over the hump/even use for a longer period of time like maintenance.

But if you can't, I would do everything I could NOW(I wish I Knew everything I know now, when I was younger), to prevent tolerance/sensitation. That means ULDN in the morning, very LDN at night, an NMDA antagonist before dosing, tums before dosing, black seeds or black seed oil, curcumin, quecertin, mag/zinc, good multivitamin, and a good antihistamine(like myclizine, or even benadryl) if you want to nod. etc. etc.
 
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Maybe substitute the word Junky with Addict or another less harsh term for us folk with substance missuse problems.

It's only a lttle thing but labeling yorself may be bad for your self esteem .
 
At worst, codeine - at best, cold turkey following a slow wean with methadone - although you'll rarely if ever get a painless withdrawal. I've heard of people doing a methadone wean off heroin over the course of a few weeks though; in actual fact you'd want to be taking methadone for quite a while to get hooked to the point where you're going to be on it for a few years. If you check out EADD and venture a gander in the Heroin Social v5 thread or the current Regional Heroin Points of Reference threads theres a post in there that was entered recently in response to a request I made about a short term methadone taper as I'm in that boat right now too (AND my dealer hasnt picked up in two days even though I owe him a fuck load of money so something serious must be up).

I guess if it was as easy as just going through the withdrawals for what, 5-10 days and then being back at base level like before you got hooked - I'd be all for quitting instantly...but in reality - and it sounds like you're the same - I'll never be normal, and always depressed. I was off all opiates for 7 months of 2010 and 2011, and not once did I feel 'normal'. There are far worse things in this world than heroin withdrawal - like sobriety for example.

Also, don't be calling yourself a 'Junky' man. Junkies are scruffy little fucking scumbags who wont stop at anything for their fix; you seem to have at least a little compassion and you must be a decent enough soul to be able to maintain a relationship with a woman.

Best of luck anyway friend - definitely consider Coolwhips advice concerning Immodium or black seed oil before codeine or methadone anyway.
 
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Coolwhip said:
It would be best if you would stop cold turkey now, use DXM/loperamide/black seed oil to get you over the hump/even use for a longer period of time like maintenance.
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I basically did this, although I also was taking piracetam at the time, and it made the w/d process SO SO SO much more bearable. More than night and day. Good advice.

  • FYI: Loperamide @ 100mg+ doses WILL get you high/keep you out of w/d for about 16 hrs
  • FYI: DXM @ 125-400mg (depending on your weight and specific reaction to the drug; I find 230mg ideal and weigh 180lbs) will ease your physical pain during w/d to nearly nothing, and dissociate you just enough so as to be able to bear the mental burdens of w/d as well. Just don't plan on being super functional... :\

Just make sure, if you want to stay sober/get your life back on tract, that you have a game plan set up for once you're through the first week of w/d and basically out of the woods in terms of acute w/d. Like an outpatient program, the support of coworkers/family/friends, etc. etc. In a words, structure. Of the kind geared towards not promoting self-destructive behavior or the life of active addiction.
 
First of all, I hate to tell you this, but you have to be completely honest with the people you've been hiding your addiction from. The only way anyone is going to be able to help you is if you are straight up. It hurts to let your dirty laundry air out, but it hurts more to let it fester inside until it destroys you. I would definitely recommend getting into some sort of treatment as soon as you can. You have already determined your life has become unmanageable, and I can guarantee you it's only going to get worse. I'm in a methadone program currently and it's changed my life, and I would definitely advocate that especially if you don't think you can handle the pain of the withdrawals cold turkey.
Stay strong and best of luck. You may look at yourself as a 'junky,' as a piece of shit, but remember you are only human, and all of us make bad choices we regret.. it doesn't make you the scum of the earth and you deserve to have a better life. Stay away from labeling yourself negatively.. it will do more damage to your self-esteem the more you think of yourself in that way. Be good to yourself.. you're worth it! <3
--Loli
 
^^ I'm assuming your girlfriend knows your using because you said she doesn't know how bad it has become. Trust me on this, she will welcome your honesty. It will be a huge weight off your back to let someone IRL about your problems and they will likely be very understanding, especially if you approach it with a view to finding help.

You will feel so much better, and you can work out a solution together rather than having such troubles on your mind and holding back around the people who care and loe you. As others have suggested there are plenty of rehabs/detox units or even plenty of taper plans over in other drug discussion if you have the determination and once you are off the drugs you can begin working on the problems that bought you to them initially, whether through counselling or therapy or medications even. There are plenty of options, the world's your oyster :D.
 
Stay.Blazed.420 said:
What do I do? Should I go to rehab/detox? I don't think that would work for me, I believe even if i went in there the first thing i would do when i got out is shoot up. That's most likely all I'd be thinking while I'm in there too.

I appreciate any response I get from you guys, thank you in advance.
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You'd be surprised but that's probably not the first thing that you'd do when you got out.

You have a lot to lose by continuing to use. Frankly, I am very surprised that you have not come up with a positive urine. I don't know how your PO does not know about this. But you have lost a lot of your motivating factors to quit. I was once like you, until I wasn't. It wasn't any particular event (like an arrest, loss of a job, a break-up, etc.) that made be want to get clean. I just couldn't live that way any longer. I couldn't look at my face in the mirror another day.

I tried NA on my own, but I really needed the structure of rehab, so I went for 90 days to a really good program. The majority of rehab programs are 12 Step based and mine was no exception, yet they did a very good job at breaking the steps down into something that was much more accessible to an Agnostic like myself. I didn't use when I got out. I did what they told me to do, which was to go to NA and get a sponsor, and that was six years ago.

But you have to be motivated to quit. You know you're a junkie, but now you have to want to quit. Knowing how to withdraw off the hydro is nice, but you need a plan for afterwards. If you don't want to go to rehab (and I think you should, unless you want to kick in prison because your luck is going to run out sooner or later), then you need to get your ass to Narcotics Anonymous or NA (www.na.org). There are a lot of NA haters on Bluelight, but I would recommend that you ignore them, go to a meeting, and keep and open mind, because at the end of day, NA is simply a group of men and women who help each other get and STAY clean. It's nearly impossible to do it alone.
 
toothpastedog said:
  • FYI: Loperamide @ 100mg+ doses WILL get you high/keep you out of w/d for about 16 hrs
  • FYI:
Click to expand...

I would have concerns about taking this dose of loperamide, as it may cause profound ileus, mechanical bowel obstruction, and intussusception. Plus there is no published evidence that loperamide in high doses permeates the blood-brain barrier. A small dose (2-4 mg) is useful for any diarrhea you may experience.
 
I can't deal with the withdrawals. It's fucking horrible jesus christ. And i'm not even a rank long-term user. Holy shit the willpower some people have to quit!

I am constantly sweating. Yet I'm constantly freezing. Goosebumps. I have to keep changing my shirts cuz my back and stomach get so wet with sweat and that just makes me feel even colder. It doesn't help that my fucking probation officer is a god damned bitch and issued a warrant for my arrest because i was FIVE FUCKING MINUTES LATE!!!

Sunday I tried killing myself pathetically. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking telling my mom. Police and ambulance arrived to take me to the psych ward. Spent the day there but manipulated my way out of staying there for the night. Went home at midnight.

Had a 4mg shot ready for monday morning when i was gonna turn myself in. Didn't even do shit, and i was leaving myself a second wash for when i got out, however my mom found it and told my PO!! So now i'm definitely going to be getting tested any day now. May as well shoot up as much as i can. I've been pawning off a bunch of my shit just to get some money scraped together.

These withdrawals don't help the fact that i'm content with offing myself. I was gonna take 30mg of xanax to off myself but i doubt that's enough to do anything more than just make me black out for 12 hours and fall asleep. I'm sitting here sweating my fucking balls off yet i can't stop shaking from these chills.. I really regret shooting up the first time. I wish i never experienced that pleasure. I'm actually addicted to a drug now.. It doesn't help that i'm also on 4mg xanax a day (addicted to benzo's too..great!). Fortunately I refilled my script today. I spent the past 4 days taking 1-2 (0.5mg) xan a day because i traded them all away for dilly's (I take 8 xan a day because my pharmacy doesn't make 1mg tablets?).

Buddys on his way over to bring me 16mg... Gonna shoot it up in 2 doses and get a good feeling. I really fucking miss the feeling of nodding out. Been a long time since I've experienced that. I have to slam atleast 12mg in one shot with the second wash to get a "decent" nod going on. I really wish my friend didn't give me needles for free and tell me how amazing it is. It's disturbing how fast you can slip into addiction when shooting up. After shooting up only 7 times and going 2 days cold turkey gave me some pronounced w/d effects. Now it's only worse.

Suicide still isn't off the table for me. I feel like a fucking piece of shit. The whole 'tell your gf the truth' was a horrible as fuck idea! She decided that 'since i lied, she gets to lie a few times too'. She's shot up 3 or 4 times without me now. Even she is experiencing some w/d's. What kind of monstor sticks a needle in his gf's arm? What the fuck is wrong with me. I got her into shooting up just like my buddy did to me. But i'm in love with this girl. I don't want to see her go down this path of self-destruction. The guilt of which is playing a huge role in me wanting to suicide. I made a batch of chloroform for my next and final suicide attempt. Going to tape a rag doused in the stuff to my face and pass out on my back on my bed.. Although, i'm not going to do that yet. I'm waiting. I'm hoping things will get better. I'm doing everything i can to make sure my girlfriend doesn't keep shooting up. I was contemplating in my manic suicidal episode on sunday killing my 'buddy' who got me hooked and is shooting my girlfriend up behind my back. I didn't believe that she wasn't at his place getting high so i drove over there and saw her empty car outside. He came out with a bat (he also has a sawed off shotgun and a .303 rifle) and was going to smash my head in because i was going crazy and causing a huge scene in front of his house. I even told his dad what they were doing when he answered the door. Got him in a heap of trouble. However I apologized to him for my behaviour. That was the most manic I've ever been (I was diagnosed bi-polar II almost a year ago but i'm pretty sure i've had it for around 2-3 years).

I've also got the feeling he has a 'crush' on my gf. (meaning he cares about her) When he gets here I'm going to confront him about it and tell him if he cares about her to not turn her into an addict. I can't bear to see that happen to her.. If it does then suicide is the only way to deal with myself. I'm a fucking shitty person.

Anyways, the withdrawals are killing me. How do i shake these cold sweats? And the restless leg syndrome i get everytime i try to sleep or the body aches? I haven't shot up for 2 days. I'm only 2 days in. After how long will the w/d's start to get less and less bad? yesterday sucked, today is fucking torture. Any suggestions? My life is really fucked up right now.
 
The one good thing about coming off opiates is that it is a finite process with a definite end point. It's a lot less painful than say childbirth or a root canal. You just have to muscle through it and treat it like you have the flu: hot baths, NSAIDS, hot tea, etc.
 
Dood, it'll get better. The fact that your feeling terrible about it means you care. Try getting straight as a reason to help your girlfriend? Maybe she will think if you did it she can? I don't know how much I can help because I've never been there, but I can certainly listen. You're on the right track, the first step is admitting it.

Definitely don't label yourself, it's gonna only make things worse. If you have the option of rehab, try it out. What's the worst that could happen? You end up in the same situation? Maybe trying it out will give you enough strength to continue pushing yourself to get through this. Someone else said it, why not try it? If you tell yourself it will work and keep positive thoughts about it that will help. Being negative and assuming it isn't going to work will just doom you to fail. Stay positive!

Again, I don't know if this will help at all, but I had a little restless leg (probably not nearly as bad I'd imagine..) and I put a hot pack on my knees for a bit, it actually helped calm things down.

I'm rootin for you. The best thing is to be honest with yourself. Maybe if you tell your buddy you do want to get clean he'll stop giving you the needles and quit with the peer pressure? I really wish I could help you out more, and I know we don't know one another, but if you to want to talk, feel free to PM me anytime! Sometimes it helps to talk to someone about everything, let it all out, and not keep it all bottled up. I'm a great listener.

Good luck, and keep us updated..your headed in the right direction, just keep pushing! You're strong!
 
A TDS mod may bump your thread to to another forum now that you're posting about using. Here in TDS, we try to avoid making posts about using as they may be triggers for those of us who are trying to stay clean. It's not meant to offend you.

If you are looking for advice about how to get/stay clean then we are here to help, but posting about what and how much you are using is generally not allowed in this forum because it can be triggering to others. See what I mean?
 
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Dude, you're not a junkie. You're addiction is bad but just grab half a dozen suboxone's and take those then taper off quickly. It gets much worse than that, I haven't done a pill of anything that has gotten me high or well for more than a couple hours in 7 years and when I W/D aside from the cold sweats and the aches and pains I'm puking and shitting myself, I've been so sick once that I had $150 in my pocket but couldn't get out of the squat to take the train from brooklyn to manhattan to go cop, and I certainly couldn't trust anyone else. you've got problems but if I were you I'd try to keep from being a junkie or a benzo addict. It may be easier to keep getting high right now, but eventually it will be just as bad having to get high as it is being sober, that's when you stick a gun in your mouth, but realize there are no bullets and go buy more dope instead of bullets to kill yourself with. Just smoke a lot of pot and get drunk every so often, is my advice, and find yourself a good psychiatrist and therapist. That's what I shoudl have done, but I convinced myself that I could be happy with drugs and sex, and it wore off eventually
 
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