I'm not the same person anymore.. :/

[xburtonchic]

Ever since a traumatic event that happened on the 29th, I've since been diagnosed with "aggravated PTSD". I've had PTSD for years, so I know what it's like, and I don't feel like this is it. This feels more... permanent... and a little bit more sinister. Yeah, I get the intrusive thoughts and the flashbacks and paranoia and all the other lovely symptoms that come along with PTSD, although they're exacerbated... but the worst of it is the way it's changed my personality and the way I think. I do NOT believe this is related to my PTSD. The event in particular effected me physically as well (concussion, hearing loss, memory loss, dislocated jaw, need surgery, etc.), but sadly that all seems to pale in comparison to the way it's affected me mentally.

In short, like the title says, I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't find joy in the things I used to. I don't care about people anymore. I know that sounds horrible, but I just don't. It seems pointless to invest feelings into anyone, because they're all just going to disappear or stab you in the back in the end. I've completely lost sight of my future. For the past month, I have become a recluse. Literally. I've gone out maybe two or three times and that's it. Part of it is because I don't trust people anymore, another part of it is because I just don't have any desire to. I've ostracized a large majority of the people in my life as well. It's like there's a wall between myself and the rest of the world. I just don't connect to anyone anymore. On the outside I seem normal, but it's because I force myself to act that way and on the inside it feels completely fake. When a "friend" tells me something like, "I love you"... my first thought is "No, you don't - you love what I can do for you" but my automatic response is "I love you too"... but I don't mean it. What I'm actually thinking is "It's all good, I don't love you either - but I'm going to let you think I do so you can't blindside me when the time comes for you to fuck me over, because I'm already onto you."

Words I would use to describe myself these days since the "incident": skeptical, not trusting of others, judgemental, a person who shies away from others, lazy, unmotivated, apathetic, calculating, cold, and unhappy. Words I would use to describe myself BEFORE the "incident": still skeptical, but TOO trusting of others to the point where I was practically their doormat, accepting and non-judgemental, outgoing, still somewhat lazy and apathetic but definitely motivated to constantly change for the better, warm, loyal, trustworthy, and not exactly ridiculously bubbly and happy, but with a positive view of the future.

So why is this happening? How can I take steps to... well, find myself again? Because I've definitely gotten lost. I have no idea what direction I'm going anymore. I've forgotten how to feel anything except anger at times. And how can I do this on my own? Don't suggest a therapist -- I was seeing one before, but because the incident directly had to do with my old therapist, that is not an option right now. I'm working on it, but it could take a while. It's been a month since I've seen any therapist and I haven't gotten any sort of professional help to guide me through the things I'm dealing with, and it seems to grow worse each day. Sometimes it's to the point where I wish the "incident" HAD killed me, the way it was intended... and I think the reasons for that is obvious. Because I would be in some black oblivion right now instead of suffering, and it would have been a painless death, and that is far more preferable to what I'm dealing with now. I can hardly even keep my head above water. It's like every single thing I do takes a ton of effort, both mentally and physically, no matter how small that thing is.

This thread isn't meant for venting, because as I've learned, venting never helps. I don't exactly feel any emotions right now to have to vent about anyway... the only emotion I have is a desire to feel something again. Not even to be happy, but to at least get to a point where I want to be happy. Right now I could care less, about anything really. So it's a very small desire, but it's enough to motivate me to at least try to get some advice. And that is the purpose of this thread... to get some advice. I'm wondering if there's anything I can do... again, on my own, until my insurance company is able to find me a therapist... to get a little bit of who I used to be back. If that makes sense. Or anything to make me feel better, really. Or at least to get off my ass and do something, so that I'm not sitting here just blankly thinking all of the time. And don't tell me to "just do it" either, because that is no help and is something that's easier said than done.

Suggestions? Comments? Advice? Similar experiences?

Is it even possible for one event to completely change who you are, and the entire foundation of your being? I didn't think so before, but now I don't know. I wonder if it's permanent...

 

[Dave]

Well, I've not experienced trauma on the level that you have, but I think that one would expect to be a lot less trusting after something like that. Once bitten, twice shy, kind of thing. That's not necessarily a bad thing, by the way; it only becomes so when it moves from wary caution to social isolation.

The thing is: it's still early days. You're still working through it, and had other things 'going on' at the time to begin with. Your self-awareness will be a great tool to help you with your personal growth, but sometimes looking too closely at oneself can be counterproductive as well. The apathy that you note toward the end of your post is likely a defense mechanism-- your mind trying to shelter your conscious experience from what was dredged up by the attack.

I know that you can't see your psychologist any more, and rightly so; but I'd really really recommend seeing a psychologist. You're starting to see how toxic apathy can become, and the fact that your mind is using that defense mechanism seems as though you will have a tough time dealing with it on your own. The only reason that I think that I can say that is that I've experienced echoes of such apathy, and it wasn't until I was able to get serious professional care (in my case EMDR, but I won't harp on about that at the moment ) that I was able to put that behind me. I worry that it'll be the same for you, but since your assailant is associated with your former psychologist you may have difficulties trusting a new one.

I've no advice for you on that last bit, other than to find someone, and see them as soon as you can. If there are trust issues, then bring it up as soon as possible, and if they can't be dealt with then try someone else.

 

[ChaosBuild3]

I had, and still have severe PTSD from when i was in the service, I did 4 combat tours and saw more shit than i care to remember most of the time. So I know how you feel, its a terrifying thing to deal with. If you need to talk PM me, and i'll be more than happy to share with you and share some of the things that helped me. Maybe you could tell me a little bit more of the actual cause of the issues and stuff. I know when i first started going through it that I didnt want a whole lot of people to know which is why I opted to do it through a PM instead of publicly.

 

[Alex000]

There are, without doubt, many elements to your situation which are seperate but inter-related. I am not into labels, I like them, but I don't find them to be accurate or helpful, however, I would diagnose what you are going through as a hysterical response to the trauma. This would mean that the trauma has caused you ails, certainly psychological, possibly physiological, that it the trauma has converted itself or manifested into the symptomology you are experiencing. I don't really like a lot of the diagnoses we have in the DSM such as PTSD, but it you are experiencing a stress disorder after a trauma, and there is a clear link. My views on psychology and neurology are quite unorthodox, or very orthodox depending on how you want to look at it. I tend to favor in the opinions and theories of the pioneers in these fields, most notably Freud. I have no degrees, and am completely self-educated when it comes to these issues I consider myself quite knowledgable.

I think that recovery from your current set of symptoms is certainly possible, and would not necessarily advocate the use of a therapist, unless he or she was very "good", which is of course subjective. I think a lot of the "therapy" that you need should be self-directed and self-initiated. Because it was not long ago the trauma occured, I would recommend the use of an anxiolytic, whether it be an opioid, benzodiazepine, muscle relaxant, or barbiturate, or some responsible combination, on either an as-needed, or round-the-clock basis. This "drug therapy" would help to lift the anxiety and pain associated with the trauma so that you can function better. You state that you have become a recluse, and this is probably the first thing I would challenge in an effort to get better. At first under sedation, I would advise to get out of the house, whether it be out to dinner, a movie, shopping, a walk in the park, fishing, whatever, I would advise to reverse your pattern of the worsening agoraphobia. The drug therapy would help you tackle the phobias you might encounter outside of the house, as well as the phobias or anxieties associated with becoming close or trusting others.

If I were you, I would literally will myself not to harbor such negative thoughts. I know this is possible of you because of the fact you recognize that you do not wish to harbor them, and they are unhealthy. It may seem stupid, but actually pushing your discomfort out of your way, at your own pace, can be very good therapy. I wouldn't tackle more than you feel you can handle, and would take breaks when you need them. Don't be fake, because while faking it to make it may apply, in your situation I'd be real with yourself. Engage in a lot of self-talk, it might seem uncomfortable or odd at first, but can be quite soothing and enjoyable when accustomed to it. Self-talk would allow your thoughts to manifest themselves physically, and allow you to become more aware of just what is going on with your mind. Narcotherapy can be especially helpful, so using the proper sedative, you might allow your thoughts to run more freely without inhibition. You can do this yourself, just be safe with the drugs, and talk yourself through it. Talk about whatever you feel you need to in order to help yourself. It isn't hard to figure out, really.

Become spiritual if it appeals to you, or even religious, whatever floats your boat. This can help strengthen your mind, which can in turn strengthen your body. Even if you are an atheist, appreciate nature, appreciate your exsistence, whatever you can do. Spending a few hours looking into the stars, or going on a walk or hike, or watching the sun set or rise; anything like that can be of help. Such things ground you, and provide you with comfort.

The use of psychadelics could be of great help, though I might only recommend on a single occassion. Again, be sedated first, and be in a peaceful and confident headspace going into it. Use of a psychadelic is one of the things I can think of that could bring about very rapid improvement. Do this only if you feel comfortable with it. LSD is what I would recommend, though MDMA could work wonders as well. I would not hesistate to use a higher dose, because you could override the trauma if you will with an enlightening experience.

I recommend writing as well, whatever you like. Poems, stories, thoughts, dreams, or just writing what you feel. This is a great way to express yourself to yourself, as is talking aloud to yourself. Similarly, arts and crafts are wonderful. They can provide immediate comfort and gratifacation as well as lasting comfort, and perhaps a clearer view of who you really are. Collauges (sp?), drawing, painting, pottery, etc.

These are a fiew ideas I have at present, and I will likely garner more, but I really want to emphasize that therapy can be done easily by oneself. It isn't rocket science. Find what works for you, it doesn't have to be "normal", it just has to be good for you.

Hope for the best, Alex.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I can promise you one thing: I'll never stab you in the back.

I don't feel like the same person anymore either. I wish I had something positive to share with you. I guess what I can share is that this will get easier over time. I used to struggle with stuff like this a lot more so than I do now.

Will you find yourself again? I think so. That's all I can say because I'm not claiming to have "re-found" myself, but I am assuming I'm in the process of doing so.

 

[Tommyboy]

I'm also kind of "lost" right now. I've been using music to try to provoke some sort of response in me or to make me feel something. If you can relate to some song lyrics, then it is at least something that may make you feel more real, or alive. If you play some older songs that remind you of better days, then you may be more motivated to feel good again.

 

[Bojangles69]

If you want true advice and you are lost realize you are coming to a place where I'm not sure a single person here would say their "found". I just tend to think most people here feel somewhat similar to you.

So your first step *might involve looking elsewhere. Elsewhere could involve finding people who had this same exact problem but ACTUALLY fixed it. Reading books and researching amazon you can find a lot of excellent books and some authors who are considered to be the indiana jones of how to succeed in todays world.

I mean thats what you're really looking for right? How to make it in this world? Trying to change the things you hate?
So right now list out precisely what it is you hate. Then also write precisely how you can change that. If you can't think of how to change it then go ASK someone else. If they can't tell you either then GO ASK SOMEONE ELSE AGAIN. Don't just post on BL. If you leave this thread unsatisfied you BETTER GO somewhere else and look. That is my best recommendation.

When you leave still feeling unhappy and unsatisfied that to me means you just stopped looking.
You're looking right now right? You're asking us? So when you decide this threads not helping you anymore I say you don't just post another thread 2 weeks from now eluding to the same issue with different wording/dialouge. That quickly becomes a trap. The thread posting trap. Go somewhere you think people can help (BL), ask for help, get a bit of help .. realize by the end of the thread it didn't really help.
It cycles through your brain for x amount of time, you come back here, word the problem differently, and again aren't helped how you really need.

So like I said you never stop asking and searching for other places, other people, other experiences, NEVER EVER STOP till you find what it is you need to know that will help you find that meaning in life. And one day you're going to realize the meaning isn't in actually finding something, the meaning is in alway searching for it. When you stop searching, thats when you really feel lost imo. When you are always moving forward, thats when you feel found imo.

 

[xburtonchic]

Thanks, guys. I've been avoiding this thread, but I don't know why. Triggers, maybe? Who knows. But I'm glad I finally came and looked at it though - ALL of your responses were VERY helpful and comforting, and I found some good advice that I feel I could benefit from in all of them.

Dave - You're so right, it is still early. I guess it just worried me that the PTSD was exacerbated so quickly - isn't it usually supposed to take a while? - but hey, maybe that's a good thing. That just means I was able to catch onto it quickly instead of letting it permanently ruin me a few years down the road. As for EMDR - harp away - I don't know what that is, so I'm pretty intrigued by your experience with it. Feel free to PM me if you don't want to post it in this thread.

Chaos - Sounds like we share some similar experiences with the military stuff, I'll shoot you a PM when I'm done with this.

Alex - Two years ago, everything you named would have been the answer to my problems. I can see how narcotic therapy could help... that's how I self-medicated before, although what I went through wasn't as bad as this, and it did help me a ton. I did better in school, socially, at work, etc. Unfortunately, it helped a little too much and so I let it spiral out of control... and now I have a tolerance to both opiates and benzo's, and I can't take stimulants so psychedelics are out. I've heard of people solving crazy problems with LSD before though, interesting stuff. I like what you said in the last two paragraphs... about the writing and collages - I've always been a creative person, so that would probably help if I took the time to do it. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll start doing that. And I totally agree with you that there isn't just one set way to cure things, and that it depends on the individual. I sort of share the same view as you... not about PTSD and schizophrenia and things that are more or less "triggered" by something... but I've always held the belief that things such as depression and borderline personality disorder are usually all mental and can be solved more effectively without the use of anti-depressants and what not. I've seen people do it before. The apathy thing... yeah, I'm sure that's all mental as well... it's just a matter of having enough will power to snap yourself out of it.

C.H - Thanks How did you learn to stop struggling with it? Was it just a gradual thing or did you have to actively do something about it?

Tommyboy - Sorry to hear you're having a hard time too Yeah, I can think of a few songs that literally bring me back to certain memories I associate with them, small memories, but good ones at least. The power of music is amazing, that's a great idea. I hope you're doing better!

Bojangles - Yep that pretty much sums it up... you make a good point at least. I've definitely done that before - not with this situation, but with others for sure. Kind of reminds me of that one quote, I forgot who said it: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, and expecting a different result." Something like that.

I think I got everyone. I didn't want to miss anyone because you all helped put things into different perspectives than I've been seeing it, and believe it or not, I'm pretty grateful for that. I think that's a pretty important step to solving any problem. Thanks again for all the amazing advice, you guys are awesome

 

[Sappy_6794]

I cant say I know exactly what you're feeling, but I lost myself for a good three-four years. It takes a lot of time and effort to finding who you used to be and even wanting to be that person again. I was suicidal, apathetic, nihilistic, and everything all at once because I became something I wasnt and I didnt know that i'd ever get back, but I did, and you will eventually too. My fiance's brother has PTSD from being in the army so I sort of know what you're going through. He came back and had to deal with so much and he'll have flashbacks and freak out on everyone and I can tell that he's lost his love for a lot of things. His only love is JWH, and if you get in the way, you're shit to him. All I can say is to keep your head up as much as possible and try to find that one thing that you do care about and branch out from there. Stop thinking theres something wrong with you, its just a phase. You'll get back to you one day

 

[Tsleezy]

man i think you just got a ton of useful stuff. this site is full of valuable ppl and knowledge, i just love it. everyone here could do WAY more for you than any psych ever could i'm sure. i just wanna quickly add something that may help you. i didn't go through something traumatic persay, but i did feel exactly the way you described for a good long while. my stuation came on because of the pressures of being a young adult with too many friends and pressures growing up in FL. someone gave me a pain pill one day and it worked so well for me that i didn't come off them for three yrs. i needed them to take away the pain of life but i hated how i could feel nothing for another human being but anger, like everyone i ever knew fucked me over and i dwelled on that shit for a LONG TIME.

soon i had no friends. they had all but a couple slowly moved on with there lives and i was spending all my time alone with my feelings moral f the story is, or at least what i have learned.... ppl will be ppl, some more fucking crazy than others. everyone is gonna hurt at some point, thats' life. the ones you keep around or let hurt you are worth being there and actually make your life better whether you're able to see it at the time or not. i assure you that you will care about ppl again, you've just been hurt badly. you just need some time to heal. do that however you see fit you got a ton of good suggestions. but just take comfort in that fact that your situation will improve, this isn't forever and you were proactive about better your situation by coming here. you could have suffered for alot longer had you not. with that said i'm a couple weeks off the opiates and feel better than ever. you too will get there, be patient.

 

[Cohesion]

I suffered PTSD very badly for 4 months until I realized what was happening.

Once I knew what it was I was able to take steps to control my thinking.

I am in group therapies; I have found that processing things (not related to my incident) in groups has helped me. But I'm not sure that insurance pays for this; mine are court ordered. University grad schools might have some free.

What may be most practical is Moodgym as it helped me VERY much once I learned I had PTSD. I started to learn how to change my thinking and recognize and awaken a wider range of emotions.

My favorite positive self-talk statement is: "It's not always going to be like this". I use it quite a bit

 

[muvolution]

I often have felt lost in my life, and it usually follows intense periods of direction and production, which makes it seem so much worse. I definitely go through periods of strong suicidal tendencies and intense depression. For me, it usually means just changing everything in my life. Get new friends, a new job, a new home.

You wont be the same person, but it does make you realize that you can be anything you want to at any time.

 

[skillz~4~thrillz]

I know you have a healthy distrust of therapists right now-I read your blog on what happened,but you cannot dismiss finding another therapist-there are therapists who specialize in PTSD. And not all therapists are assholes. I know you DO NOT want to hear this but I cannot stress what therapy has done for me over the past decade. I actually see a PTSD therapist in addition to my regular Psychiatrist of 10 years. I have suffered from PTSD for almost 6 years since my near fatal car accident-and since then I had an ex g/f beat my ass,3 suicide attempts trying to get away from her,and 3 other failed relationships since my accident...all of this with my increased drug abuse almost led to a nervous breakdown-thus the 2nd therapist(an LPC not a Psychologist). anyway-my goal is to go back to school in the fall and at least get my Masters in Psych-hopefully my PhD. That is how much I believe in therapy. take your time-find one who is right for you.

ok-if therapy is something you are not willing to go back into,you have to realize that you NEED to talk about this. If you keep it inside,it's just poison. Journal,look into support groups,POST HERE-you know this community is behind you-blog...just get it out,no matter how repetitious it feels. I kept my shit in(even w/ my shrink of 10 years) and I have become a hermit-a recluse. I have spent the past year working w/ both my shrink and therapist to undo this life of just shutting out the world. It isn't fun and it is horrible to recover from. You are such a beautiful person with a wonderful attitude and magnetic personality. DON'T lose sight of that!!! Remember that you are loved. And go easy on yourself. You have been through a tremendous ordeal and are probably still processing it all.

Don't be a stranger...k? We love you and miss you and want to help you through this storm. I promise you...this too shall pass. And the more people you let help you with this the quicker it will be so. Keep posting-get it out.Catharsis is a MUST. And PM me ANYTIME!!!

Love your guts,sweetie!!!..............................skillz