I'm not sure.

[S3TH5150]

In the past, my DOC has always been marijuana and that's basically it. I was living with my mom when I started middle school, she went through a divorce and a abusive marriage, also a control freak. Her hands were tied, I couldn't do anything about it, so her release was crystal. I hated the drug at the time, my mom wasn't a responsible user. She lost me and my sister, went to jail for a distribution charge, plead first offender and she got out, over a year clean. I was still smoking and of course she turned anti everything basically. We got into an argument cops were threatened on me and I hit the road and started smoking meth, I only lasted for about five days in the middle of Polk county, no phone service, my only ride said he'd be back and of course after a few hours of being alone, I walked to a store and I got picked up. I didmt do it when I got back home, I kept it to myself except for the ones I trusted. I replaced the meth with adderdal and vyvanse, during every class geeking hard, depression came over me. I continued, went to NA meetings and would pop right after. For a minute I stopped, just snorted hydro's and xans, then oxys and Roxy's, watched an old friend of my mom spin in front of me with my friends dad. He said just don't give in, obviously he's better at restraining than I am. Week or two went by, popping anything I could to make me feel less like a fuck up. My buddy told me he wanted to try meth, it surprised me. He loves it now, I've been in love with it. I just knew it wasn't over for me. So noe I'm here, 92 hours and one hour of sleep. I'm out of meth, no more adderal, one last bowl of bud and I can't get over myself.
I'm not sure where I was headed with this but now I can't really get over the fact that I did it and there's more to come. Stubborn addict. It's been a few good hours since that last bump and I keep thinking about it, I can't sleep because I can't get comfortable. I'm disappointed but sadly it was predicted anyway so why not make it happen. I'm just lost in my thoughts and I need that escape. Don't know why and probably never will, I think that's okay.

 

[RDP89]

Welcome to Bluelight. Sorry to hear what you're going through. You are NOT a fuckup, just a human being living life. I know how hard it can be to not fall into the spiral of self-destructive thinking, but you can do it.

 

[S3TH5150]

I appreciate it.

 

[QuE-dAwEiRd1]

Hey.sorry to hear about your struggle.in previous posts I explained my codeine and other substance abuse issues.And I would just like to add I saw my mother abuse prescription meds all of my life.All I can remember is her looking for a script a pharmacy,there were days shed be zoned out just in a mind and space of her own.she OD when I was 13 just started high school.I still remember me worrying on her part if she had enough tablets Etomine,akineton,serepax,pax,alzam,stilpane(codeine)if she didn't have that she was in a bad place.she suffered from migraines and I inherited that gene long after her passing had a bad migraine,pharmacist gave me adcodol..few of those and I was hooked..feeling faded went to doctors got stronger stuff to get that first feeling.I ended up where she was.I was in her shoes.so yes you can go ape-shyt with dosing and getting high experimenting but what if you die in the process.I imagine at one point she had dreams,hopes and desires,but the pills changed her outlook and with her blessing took away who she was and needed to be.I'm struggling myself.I want to feel that way again.All that's holding me back is the question-is it worth my life?because I will end up in a bad place if I take that first pill.

 

[ATLL765]

In the past, my DOC has always been marijuana and that's basically it. I was living with my mom when I started middle school, she went through a divorce and a abusive marriage, also a control freak. Her hands were tied, I couldn't do anything about it, so her release was crystal. I hated the drug at the time, my mom wasn't a responsible user. She lost me and my sister, went to jail for a distribution charge, plead first offender and she got out, over a year clean. I was still smoking and of course she turned anti everything basically. We got into an argument cops were threatened on me and I hit the road and started smoking meth, I only lasted for about five days in the middle of Polk county, no phone service, my only ride said he'd be back and of course after a few hours of being alone, I walked to a store and I got picked up. I didmt do it when I got back home, I kept it to myself except for the ones I trusted. I replaced the meth with adderdal and vyvanse, during every class geeking hard, depression came over me. I continued, went to NA meetings and would pop right after. For a minute I stopped, just snorted hydro's and xans, then oxys and Roxy's, watched an old friend of my mom spin in front of me with my friends dad. He said just don't give in, obviously he's better at restraining than I am. Week or two went by, popping anything I could to make me feel less like a fuck up. My buddy told me he wanted to try meth, it surprised me. He loves it now, I've been in love with it. I just knew it wasn't over for me. So noe I'm here, 92 hours and one hour of sleep. I'm out of meth, no more adderal, one last bowl of bud and I can't get over myself.
I'm not sure where I was headed with this but now I can't really get over the fact that I did it and there's more to come. Stubborn addict. It's been a few good hours since that last bump and I keep thinking about it, I can't sleep because I can't get comfortable. I'm disappointed but sadly it was predicted anyway so why not make it happen. I'm just lost in my thoughts and I need that escape. Don't know why and probably never will, I think that's okay.

I posted in your other thread as well. I think you're just a little lost right now and that's totally normal for someone your age. It may feel like there's no hope of escaping the suffering you're experiencing right now, but there's always a way out. You don't have to use, you don't have to punish yourself. You can find other avenues of escape that are far more positive.

 

[educateddruggy]

fuck anyone who says addiction is not a disease because it absolutely is. It should be treated no different than any other disease. Many of us on bluelight have felt what youre feeling but step one is to genuinely want to be sober which is the hardest part. you need to learn to cope and that isnt easy. but it can be done. we believe in you! if i can do yit you can!