I'm not doing so great right now... (mad triggering content)

[MagickalKat777]

I'm not doing so great right now...

You know I'm watching Beyond Scared Straight... And all these repressed memories are flooding out... I have done some fucked up shit in my life... Since I was a small child I cussed, I threw things, I broke shit, I hit and bit... When my baby sister Alex was born... I tried to kill my mother and my sister in the kitchen with a frying pan... I was no older than 6... I broke into a neighbors house because I wanted candy before I turned 10... My mom sent me to juvenile hall on a similar program... Didn't phase me... A friend of mine and his family went out of town for Christmas and they had a whole pile of presents outside underneath the stairs... I not only ripped into everything that was there, I destroyed it and I broke into their house and trashed the entire fucking thing... I got over 300 pink slips in a single year in 5th grade because I'd cuss out the teacher or flip a desk or hit someone with something and while my teacher was taking me downstairs I'd try to shove her down the stairs or just keep cussing her out so I'd stack multiple slips in a day. Since I was in special ed (because in kindergarten I punched my teacher in the face and called her a fucking bitch), they wouldn't expel me and I knew it and used it to my advantage in every way... In 6th grade I got my first restraining order because I shoved this chick into a piano in music class...I always said she did it because I wouldn't fuck her, and that's partially true... But really I just hated her. She had a big mouth and she just happened to catch me on a bad day. I couldn't even go out on my own back porch because we lived in the same complex... The order was 100 feet... It was supposed to become permanent but I lucked out because I came back to Colorado and we went to get a copy of it and the judge never signed it so they threw it out. I was always in fights in elementary school... Lost a lot of them because they would gang up on me... But when I won, the result wasn't pretty. I had a friend who's mother left me alone with access to her credit card statements... I stole her credit card numbers and ran up almost 2 grand in computer equipment, lied to my mom and said it came from my dad, signed up for all kinds of Internet services, the works. I was fortunate that she didn't press charges. She even forgave me for it. When I was in middle school I caused so much hell... That my mother, my sister Alexandra and I were fighting so much she sent me off to live with my dad... Then as an adult? The drugs... Its amazing I never went down for drugs... I was always smart and knew what to do to not get caught. Only in the last few years have I actually grown up and stopped having every other word out of my mouth be a lie. I used to lie so well that I believed my own lies. When Brad (my ex - yeah I'm a fag) and I fought... It was always verbal on my part until Red Rocks. I still to this day swear that I didn't mean to hit him with that bag. I was walking away and threw it over my head... But it hit him. Looking back on it, if I would have known it would hit him anyway I would have actually purposely swung that bag around and laid him out... Because that fucker deserved it. I went to jail that night, he denied the protective order and moved out, I went home, we made up and he moved back in and not even a week later was when he locked me out of the bedroom and I busted down the bedroom door, jumped on top of him, punched him, then hit him with the lamp in a drunken rage... When the police came I was completely naked, bleeding all over my knees and my legs, passed out on a neighbors porch. I don't remember what happened after I hit him with the lamp but when the police got there I was the one bleeding, he had a scratch... They sent out 7 agents to try to talk to me but i was so gone that they had no choice but to charge me... So I got 2 years of probation, 36 weeks of classes, drug and alcohol testing... I lucked out that I had two forgiving POs because I fucked up bad one night... I wasn't supposed to be drinking... I went to a club, got drugged, woke up in detox... Neither of them revoked me... Mind you I had a 180 day suspended sentence the Jeffco judge gave me... I've been one lucky son of a bitch but I've always been a horrible person and I'm starting to realize that all this... Is my karma....

I do wonder though... If I was born into a family that wanted me... If I wouldn't have been such an evil son of a bitch (literally)... Because I have this light in me... And I love, I forgive, I'm always there when people need me... What causes a 2 year old to tell a little boy "fuck you" while grandma is getting things to add to the cart and the other boys mom is doing the same? What causes someone to have their first word be "shit?"

I know I have the potential for good and the potential for evil... I mean just the other day I saw a bum sleeping when I was on my walk... I went and tried three times to just walk away... I made it across the crosswalk but couldn't find the nerve to walk on so I shouted asking if he was okay, he said Yeah, asked me for a cigarette, I said I quit, asked me for some change, I gave him a buck and asked him not to waste it on cigarettes. I'm always there for everyone, even people I don't like... But man that's just the tip of the iceberg in that post... I was stealing and started smoking when I was 10... You know that all the shit I've done in my life would have easily landed me life behind bars? So I have to believe there is a reason that I never ended up there and it really is a miracle...

Watching this damn show did what a lifetime of therapy never could... Unlock the full extent of my repressed memories... Including the abuse I went through that just fueled my anger even more. I don't really feel that chip on my shoulder anymore. I'm not mad at the universe or anyone else... By everyone's account, I had the luck of the Irish AND a guardian angel my whole life... Feeling the reality of what could have happened to me... I don't have a right to hold a chip about anything... And if it wasn't for my roommate I'd probably be in jail or dead right now... I'll forever be grateful for what he did and does for me.

I don't think I can forgive myself... For real...

I just don't know what to do... I have agoraphobia... I'm able to wake each day thanks to medication... But only when I go manic can I leave the house... I have access to every single memory from my childhood to adulthood now... It just magically unlocked... I always thought there was a turning point in my life and that's why I blacked out everything but the truth is, I have always been a fucked up person and I repressed all of it because I wasn't strong enough to see the truth... I'm unfortunately able to play any memory of any situation I've ever been in not just from my perspective but from a third party perspective... I can pause, fast forward, rewind... And they're extremely vivid....... How do I go on... When I know that everyone who left my life because they said I was evil... And I thought it was all on them... But now see that it was always me?!? I don't know what to do, I can't stop crying. Sure I was manic as fuck the last two days (rapid cycler) and I hit depression today... But all this shit is real... I see the good things I've done... But with my sister following my damn path... She's the last thing I care about in this world... And to see her doing the same shit I did... And knowing she is hustling too... Its my God damn fault that my sister is walking that path and I can't forgive myself for it...

 

[swilow]

^

I've responded in other thread, but my thoughts are with you friend. Now, don't do anything silly yet- lets wait and see what happens. If you want to be a good person, do it, slip on that costume.

Ram das: Be Here Now. Not in the past, not in the future, not in regret, not in worry, just RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. I am here with you.

 

[Help?!?!]

Hang in there man. Like Swillow said, just do what you can to be a good person. That's all that's really important IMO. Also here is truly what's important. Your past is only a portion of you and is most certainly not the entirity of the portrait! If the beginning started out bleak just do your best to paint the rest in with the brightest colors you can! If you need to talk you can always PM me or email me if you've still got it! You've always seemed like a really nice, caring person so don't be to hard on yourself. Many of us have done ghoulish things that scar our past, definitely including me so don't let it alienate you to badly....

 

[swilow]

^Well said help. No need to ever punish oneself... Only to learn. You cannot fail!

 

[MagickalKat777]

Right now I'm more worried about DevelishGODSON456... You okay bro?

As for me...

I'm even more fucked up right now... Because instead of everyone waking up to see that I killed myself... DJ Digga, someone who has done amazing things for the Colorado party scene... Took his life... I never really got along with him. I think he was a severely closeted gay man and he couldn't be around me... But I worked with him... And he was one of the funniest people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, but I always saw the pain in his eyes... I'm really starting to hate 2015... On the plus side I called my old therapist and I will be going back to see her... You know that you're something special when you call a therapist who has probably seen over a hundred patients besides you but recognizes you on the phone with an "oh my god" reaction... Its not time for me to go just yet. It sucks that seeing what all of my friends are going through with his suicide is what it took to make me rethink my own. I feel like a horrible person for it... Nobody should gain a will to live because someone killed themselves.... But I'm in some serious shock right now...

@Willow and Help?!?! I think it was so shocking... Because I had just crashed from mania into depression... But I'm not even sure that is it... Right now I can't focus on anything but Digga killing himself... Its made me realize how many people I would have left behind hurting... Or worse taken with me like my roommate...

 

[herbavore]

A lot of people changed their own lives (and thinking) after my son died. I think that seeing the value of your own life, as well as the fragile nature of your existence through the tragic loss of someone's life other than your own, is a common occurrence. I'm sorry for your loss. Everything that happens in our lives has something profound to teach us. I'm not at all one of those people that thinks everything happens for a reason (in fact the concept enrages me) but I do believe that everything that happens can teach us to have more compassion for ourselves and other beings if we let our minds and hearts open to the opportunity. I struggled with this concept a lot after my son's death because a part of me wanted no good at all to come of something so horrible--in other words, I felt guilty for benefiting in any way from his death. But the truth is that many people were shocked into looking deeply within because of his death--I among them--and to deny that is to further squander the impact of his being. Ah, this is making me sob. I am sorry that your friend died and that you have been wanting to die and that my son died. I want to gather up all the beauty and love that I see every day around me and lay it at your feet. I want to say, "here, you take it. There is more than enough for all of us." Be safe and well and know that death will come for all of us--it is part of what we have known since we were born. We come into the world leaving safety behind. The best life is one where we try to create safe and sacred space for everyone around us, thus creating it for ourselves in the process. Go out and love the people in your community.

 

[Just A Guy]

Kat-man, I'm sending you good vibes, and a prayer: that you come back from hitting bottom and move forward in life with inspired understanding and a perspective that gives you strength and courage to do what you need to do to be the person you want to be. Be good to yourself.

 

[DevilishGODSON456]

Magicqlkat777 I appreciate the thought. Another persons thought of someone else can go along way and your thoughts of my well being just did that. I truly appreciate you for that, me finding this site with people who allll have a helluva story to tell with not many people in the 3D world to relate. Im clean now since Wednesday. But dam near every constant thought is the dope. Today I got a job. And today is my sons son's 7th birthday, I feel horrible I couldnt even afford to see him buy him a gift or just wrap my arms around him and tell him I love him andhes the reason IM TRYING MY HARDEST TO leave the shit alone. But its hard its fuccn hard. And ive been a hustler sinc3 15. Not small neither minimum 7 grand a week. And I watched the dope catch up to me slowly and lose EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. my credit use to be A fuccn 1 in the street I meqn easily I could fot 3 grand to get me on my feet any given time. Now im scrambling to get bus and train money, shit never mind dope. Thats a 180 dollar mission. Smfh... With stories like yours KAT777 it keeps me strong another day. Cuz its real, u muster up every single fucc up good moment evil an good doing mix em in a pot stir em up and you find as well as you give nothing but the raw TRUTH an I love u for that bro.... One day soon imma let it out full blown on here and pray one day soon I can finally reach the break thru point. KAT if no one told you im proud of you for you eating your truth. But I definitely ate a piece of that cake to. An please guys stay on blue light cuz I NEED YOU S... TIL NEXT POST... LIKE PAC SAID YA GOT TO KEEP YA HEAD UP.......��

 

[BlueEyesAL]

We have all been down our own share of hard times and some have been through more than others. I tell you, if you knew the stuff I've gone through in the past 10-15 yrs you would be shocked I didn't kill myself or end up in jail because of retaliating against the people who have screwed me over. But listen,it sounds like you have gotten off pretty easy for the things you have done. Heck, I accidentally took a birthday card and forgot to ring it up when paying for groceries, and they attempted to arrest me for stealing! Granted I had just rang up $300 worth of groceries and the card was 99 cents,if I had any motive to steal wouldn't it have been something at least worth more money or that I couldn't afford or that I wanted for myself? This is just an example of how many people don't get away with shit,yet it sounds like you have gotten away with a ton of much more serious stuff. If you aren't in counseling right now, I think the best suggestions that I could make are to start seeing a therapist at least once a week, and also a psychiatrist to handle meds, because it sounds like you may have some degree of sociopath-like behavior going on. The other recommendation I can offer is to find a good, non-denominational church and become active in it. You mentioned a few times that you were an "evil" person at times,and I think that you need the reassurance from a good Christian church family that your past and your mistakes does not define you. Having Faith in God will settle your mind and put worries at rest. Even if you were born into a family of non-believers, you are still a son of God and your life will change (for the better) when you let him in and have faith in him and live by his word. I know I sound like a Bible beater here, and I am not I assure you, I have made my share of big mistakes. But based on what you wrote in your post, I'm giving you my honest opinion on what I think will help turn your life around. It's never too late to do that. Hang in there and God bless

You know I'm watching Beyond Scared Straight... And all these repressed memories are flooding out... I have done some fucked up shit in my life... Since I was a small child I cussed, I threw things, I broke shit, I hit and bit... When my baby sister Alex was born... I tried to kill my mother and my sister in the kitchen with a frying pan... I was no older than 6... I broke into a neighbors house because I wanted candy before I turned 10... My mom sent me to juvenile hall on a similar program... Didn't phase me... A friend of mine and his family went out of town for Christmas and they had a whole pile of presents outside underneath the stairs... I not only ripped into everything that was there, I destroyed it and I broke into their house and trashed the entire fucking thing... I got over 300 pink slips in a single year in 5th grade because I'd cuss out the teacher or flip a desk or hit someone with something and while my teacher was taking me downstairs I'd try to shove her down the stairs or just keep cussing her out so I'd stack multiple slips in a day. Since I was in special ed (because in kindergarten I punched my teacher in the face and called her a fucking bitch), they wouldn't expel me and I knew it and used it to my advantage in every way... In 6th grade I got my first restraining order because I shoved this chick into a piano in music class...I always said she did it because I wouldn't fuck her, and that's partially true... But really I just hated her. She had a big mouth and she just happened to catch me on a bad day. I couldn't even go out on my own back porch because we lived in the same complex... The order was 100 feet... It was supposed to become permanent but I lucked out because I came back to Colorado and we went to get a copy of it and the judge never signed it so they threw it out. I was always in fights in elementary school... Lost a lot of them because they would gang up on me... But when I won, the result wasn't pretty. I had a friend who's mother left me alone with access to her credit card statements... I stole her credit card numbers and ran up almost 2 grand in computer equipment, lied to my mom and said it came from my dad, signed up for all kinds of Internet services, the works. I was fortunate that she didn't press charges. She even forgave me for it. When I was in middle school I caused so much hell... That my mother, my sister Alexandra and I were fighting so much she sent me off to live with my dad... Then as an adult? The drugs... Its amazing I never went down for drugs... I was always smart and knew what to do to not get caught. Only in the last few years have I actually grown up and stopped having every other word out of my mouth be a lie. I used to lie so well that I believed my own lies. When Brad (my ex - yeah I'm a fag) and I fought... It was always verbal on my part until Red Rocks. I still to this day swear that I didn't mean to hit him with that bag. I was walking away and threw it over my head... But it hit him. Looking back on it, if I would have known it would hit him anyway I would have actually purposely swung that bag around and laid him out... Because that fucker deserved it. I went to jail that night, he denied the protective order and moved out, I went home, we made up and he moved back in and not even a week later was when he locked me out of the bedroom and I busted down the bedroom door, jumped on top of him, punched him, then hit him with the lamp in a drunken rage... When the police came I was completely naked, bleeding all over my knees and my legs, passed out on a neighbors porch. I don't remember what happened after I hit him with the lamp but when the police got there I was the one bleeding, he had a scratch... They sent out 7 agents to try to talk to me but i was so gone that they had no choice but to charge me... So I got 2 years of probation, 36 weeks of classes, drug and alcohol testing... I lucked out that I had two forgiving POs because I fucked up bad one night... I wasn't supposed to be drinking... I went to a club, got drugged, woke up in detox... Neither of them revoked me... Mind you I had a 180 day suspended sentence the Jeffco judge gave me... I've been one lucky son of a bitch but I've always been a horrible person and I'm starting to realize that all this... Is my karma....

I do wonder though... If I was born into a family that wanted me... If I wouldn't have been such an evil son of a bitch (literally)... Because I have this light in me... And I love, I forgive, I'm always there when people need me... What causes a 2 year old to tell a little boy "fuck you" while grandma is getting things to add to the cart and the other boys mom is doing the same? What causes someone to have their first word be "shit?"

I know I have the potential for good and the potential for evil... I mean just the other day I saw a bum sleeping when I was on my walk... I went and tried three times to just walk away... I made it across the crosswalk but couldn't find the nerve to walk on so I shouted asking if he was okay, he said Yeah, asked me for a cigarette, I said I quit, asked me for some change, I gave him a buck and asked him not to waste it on cigarettes. I'm always there for everyone, even people I don't like... But man that's just the tip of the iceberg in that post... I was stealing and started smoking when I was 10... You know that all the shit I've done in my life would have easily landed me life behind bars? So I have to believe there is a reason that I never ended up there and it really is a miracle...

Watching this damn show did what a lifetime of therapy never could... Unlock the full extent of my repressed memories... Including the abuse I went through that just fueled my anger even more. I don't really feel that chip on my shoulder anymore. I'm not mad at the universe or anyone else... By everyone's account, I had the luck of the Irish AND a guardian angel my whole life... Feeling the reality of what could have happened to me... I don't have a right to hold a chip about anything... And if it wasn't for my roommate I'd probably be in jail or dead right now... I'll forever be grateful for what he did and does for me.

I don't think I can forgive myself... For real...

I just don't know what to do... I have agoraphobia... I'm able to wake each day thanks to medication... But only when I go manic can I leave the house... I have access to every single memory from my childhood to adulthood now... It just magically unlocked... I always thought there was a turning point in my life and that's why I blacked out everything but the truth is, I have always been a fucked up person and I repressed all of it because I wasn't strong enough to see the truth... I'm unfortunately able to play any memory of any situation I've ever been in not just from my perspective but from a third party perspective... I can pause, fast forward, rewind... And they're extremely vivid....... How do I go on... When I know that everyone who left my life because they said I was evil... And I thought it was all on them... But now see that it was always me?!? I don't know what to do, I can't stop crying. Sure I was manic as fuck the last two days (rapid cycler) and I hit depression today... But all this shit is real... I see the good things I've done... But with my sister following my damn path... She's the last thing I care about in this world... And to see her doing the same shit I did... And knowing she is hustling too... Its my God damn fault that my sister is walking that path and I can't forgive myself for it...