DEPRESSION
It's kicking my ass. I quit my job basically in January but was on short term leave till March and then I basically never went back. I'll be 31 on the 31st and what do I have to show for it?
My brain is so disappointed in myself but my heart is like, give yourself a break. You had a lot more to deal with as a child than your peers. That's why you're 31 and unemployed and depressed and still dependent on benzos and opioids. Thankfully my girlfriend is working full time now.
But we are still behind on bills and rent and it's always the same fucking routine.
I ran out of Suboxone a week early last month so that justified my brain to go and buy 5 bundles and even that wasn't enough to get me to my next prescription refill. I always thought it would just be so easy if I had a prescription for opioids because I could manage them and blah blah but nope. I'm just an idiot.
I have shit tons of benzos though. I'm typing this on an iPad mini so forgive the typos and autocorrect idiocy I am sure to have.
My therapist whom I've mentioned on here numerous times and who I thought was so cool and who I've been seeing since fucking 2011(!?!?!) and got absolutely nothing done with terminated my treatment 2 weeks ago, which is a hilarious joke because there was no real treatment.
We bought drugs together, whatever, but there was just something always more sinister there. Who knows, honestly, but I really am lucky to be done with him. I've been done with him for a while because he said I only kept like 7 of my appointments since last year. But I'm just so angry he's still practicing and still has patients and it's all no big deal to him. I saw this new lady once but I don't think we click, nor do I want to go so far downtown every week.
Ugh, I'm mad I'm even mentioning this because it's so ridiculous but basically I've isolated myself so much that the only people I even talked to were my girlfriend, my dealer and my "therapist". Every other friend I used to have is gone and I'm just so lonely. I suppose I understand why NA and AA are good for addicts, so they don't go crazy alone in their heads and shit.
Also, RIP Chris Cornell and Chester, I wasn't totally into your music but I totally get it.
I'm listening to Jimmy Eat World and trying not to call my dealer to see if he wants to "hang out". I'm so lonely and distraught. I've got absolutely no one and nothing. It's always the same shit.
Whatever. I'll probably write more in here maybe. I keep forgetting about it. Going back and rereading it is scary to me. My girlfriend is a saint for staying with me throughout this. But I feel like she's had enough of me too at this point. Anyone would.
God I hate summer.
It's kicking my ass. I quit my job basically in January but was on short term leave till March and then I basically never went back. I'll be 31 on the 31st and what do I have to show for it?
My brain is so disappointed in myself but my heart is like, give yourself a break. You had a lot more to deal with as a child than your peers. That's why you're 31 and unemployed and depressed and still dependent on benzos and opioids. Thankfully my girlfriend is working full time now.
But we are still behind on bills and rent and it's always the same fucking routine.
I ran out of Suboxone a week early last month so that justified my brain to go and buy 5 bundles and even that wasn't enough to get me to my next prescription refill. I always thought it would just be so easy if I had a prescription for opioids because I could manage them and blah blah but nope. I'm just an idiot.
I have shit tons of benzos though. I'm typing this on an iPad mini so forgive the typos and autocorrect idiocy I am sure to have.
My therapist whom I've mentioned on here numerous times and who I thought was so cool and who I've been seeing since fucking 2011(!?!?!) and got absolutely nothing done with terminated my treatment 2 weeks ago, which is a hilarious joke because there was no real treatment.
We bought drugs together, whatever, but there was just something always more sinister there. Who knows, honestly, but I really am lucky to be done with him. I've been done with him for a while because he said I only kept like 7 of my appointments since last year. But I'm just so angry he's still practicing and still has patients and it's all no big deal to him. I saw this new lady once but I don't think we click, nor do I want to go so far downtown every week.
Ugh, I'm mad I'm even mentioning this because it's so ridiculous but basically I've isolated myself so much that the only people I even talked to were my girlfriend, my dealer and my "therapist". Every other friend I used to have is gone and I'm just so lonely. I suppose I understand why NA and AA are good for addicts, so they don't go crazy alone in their heads and shit.
Also, RIP Chris Cornell and Chester, I wasn't totally into your music but I totally get it.
I'm listening to Jimmy Eat World and trying not to call my dealer to see if he wants to "hang out". I'm so lonely and distraught. I've got absolutely no one and nothing. It's always the same shit.
Whatever. I'll probably write more in here maybe. I keep forgetting about it. Going back and rereading it is scary to me. My girlfriend is a saint for staying with me throughout this. But I feel like she's had enough of me too at this point. Anyone would.
God I hate summer.
