priscilla5678
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2013
- Messages
- 2
So i'm not sure what i'm supposed to write on here. I mainly joined this site to vent as I've been in recovery and have been feeling really down lately. So I'd like to share a little bit about my story and where i'm at now. I think it will just help me to get it out there and off my chest. Am I supposed to use one of those names on here like... my pet dog.. or something? idk but that's too confusing so i'm just gonna write it normal.This will probably be long, sorry about that.
So I was 21 years old and very depressed, I had been suffering for years. I starved myself, made myself bleed, tortured my mind and did my best to make myself miserable. Ever since graduating high school, life was horrible. Sure I had it all.. loving supportive family, an abundance of food, a nice house to live in, and friends. But I wasn't happy, the only thing I ever wanted was for people to like me and to feel good about myself. But instead I HATED myself. I told myself I was ugly, stupid, too shy and would never fit in with society. But that was all about to change, the self hatred was about to subside, the shyness was about to go straight out the window, the day that meth was introduced into my life.
It all began when one of my closest friends, alexa, texted me saying that she had to admit something. She had tried meth with her tweaker cousin who had just moved in with her and her family. (yes, we were both 21 living with our parents and still are) Immediately I became excited and told Alexa I wanted to try it with her. I figured that i was already suicidal so what more could this drug do. If it killed me, "GREAT" I thought. I WANTED to die... the possibility of death was only a bonus.
So Alexa went into detail about how absolutely amazing this drug is, how it made her feel on top of the world, and how it's not even bad like everyone says it is. And so I wanted in. I went over to Alexa's house anxious with sweaty palms. We discussed what would happen. Alexa, very experienced in drug use, and myself, very very naive about drug use. Alexa only knew about meth from what her cousin had told her and that was all we had to go by. So we decided on a plan... we were going to smoke with her cousin for a couple weeks to get skinny, even though I was already kind of skinny (i wanted to be anorexic skinny), and then stop. (YEAHHHH RIGHTTTT god we were so dumb)
So her tweaker cousin got everything ready... she pulled out the pipe and told us that to get one you just go to the smoke shop and ask for an oil burner. next she pulled out the little baggy of meth. I had never seen meth before. I was starting to get nervous, damn near ready to throw up...not to mention I needed to be home in an hour for a family dinner. "your family won't even notice a thing girl don't trip," the tweaker cousin told me. And in that moment my life changed forever. I watched in absolute amazement and excitement as the cousin held a lighter under the pipe and twisted back and forth. She wouldn't allow us to do it ourselves because being newbs she knew that we would burn it and waste all the shit. So she held the pipe to Alexa's mouth and she sucked in and blew out a huge cloud of smoke. And then it was my turn. She held the pipe up to my mouth... I breathed in, and as I was blowing out the cloud I felt like a new person. It hit me so quickly and I instantly wanted another hit, and another and another. So her cousin held up the pipe to my mouth, lit, and twisted again as I became more and more excited. I instantly noticed my hands shaking followed by a flush of joy throughout my body. It was amazing, like nothing i'd ever felt before. So her tweaker cousin left and Alexa and I bonded like we never knew was possible. We went for a walk outside and gushed over how beautiful the chirstmas lights were. Everything was so beautiful. I began talking a mile a minute and Alexa reminded me to talk slowly when i get home.
Then the worst thing that could have happened, happened. Alexa got the number of her cousins drug dealer from her phone when she wasn't looking. And from then on we grew closer and closer as our new found love for meth grew stronger and stronger.
I was amazing, fearless, confident, i felt like the hottest shit on the earth. This was what I had always wanted, to feel good about myself. This was MY kind of drug... this was just what i had always wanted. I was already hooked and I didn't even know it. I will never forget christmas day when I woke up with sores all over my tongue that were so painful i couldn't eat a thing and I was caughing up black phlem all day. I began to get angry if Alexas psycho cousin didn't want me over or if our dealer wasn't answering the phone. I began wanting it ALL the time. and so did she. We were in for one hell of a ride and neither one of us had any idea how bad it was going to get.
So from then on i'm sure you can pretty much guess the story... it's no different from everyone else's. I spiralled out of control, began doing meth everyday for a year, got extremely skinny, lost my job, my car broke down, and my mental state was a disaster.
I was stumbling down the street from friends houses at 4 in the morning crying, swigging a bottle of jack and trying to find a place to snort a line. I had a home, my parents didn't fully catch on although they were very worried about me, i just never wanted to be there. and so i found myself stumbling down streets crying doing anything to stay away from home.
ANYWAYS my best friend eventually figured out why I was so distant from her, why I became SO skinny, why I could never sleep when I slept over at her house, why i was always so talkative, etc. and she called my mom. she saved my life that day. My parents freaked, they had no idea it was meth that had changed me into a crazy party girl. They sent me to a rehab program and here I am nearly a year clean.
this time of year is so hard for me now though.... it brings it all back... the smells, the places, the people, the beauiful lights... now the lights just look dull. everything looks dull. sure i feel good... i love feeling physically healthy and not feeling like absolute shit everyday. I love not going psychotic on a daily basis. I do like the simple little life i have now and I have a great job.
but i have a feeling i will never be able to truly let go. I can't figure out why but I still want it back more than anything in this world. I know I can't, because i love my family too much and i never want to hurt them so badly again, but I fear for my future because I do long for that crazy life back so badly.
anyways, this became way longer than i intended, shit :/ theeeee end.
So I was 21 years old and very depressed, I had been suffering for years. I starved myself, made myself bleed, tortured my mind and did my best to make myself miserable. Ever since graduating high school, life was horrible. Sure I had it all.. loving supportive family, an abundance of food, a nice house to live in, and friends. But I wasn't happy, the only thing I ever wanted was for people to like me and to feel good about myself. But instead I HATED myself. I told myself I was ugly, stupid, too shy and would never fit in with society. But that was all about to change, the self hatred was about to subside, the shyness was about to go straight out the window, the day that meth was introduced into my life.
It all began when one of my closest friends, alexa, texted me saying that she had to admit something. She had tried meth with her tweaker cousin who had just moved in with her and her family. (yes, we were both 21 living with our parents and still are) Immediately I became excited and told Alexa I wanted to try it with her. I figured that i was already suicidal so what more could this drug do. If it killed me, "GREAT" I thought. I WANTED to die... the possibility of death was only a bonus.
So Alexa went into detail about how absolutely amazing this drug is, how it made her feel on top of the world, and how it's not even bad like everyone says it is. And so I wanted in. I went over to Alexa's house anxious with sweaty palms. We discussed what would happen. Alexa, very experienced in drug use, and myself, very very naive about drug use. Alexa only knew about meth from what her cousin had told her and that was all we had to go by. So we decided on a plan... we were going to smoke with her cousin for a couple weeks to get skinny, even though I was already kind of skinny (i wanted to be anorexic skinny), and then stop. (YEAHHHH RIGHTTTT god we were so dumb)
So her tweaker cousin got everything ready... she pulled out the pipe and told us that to get one you just go to the smoke shop and ask for an oil burner. next she pulled out the little baggy of meth. I had never seen meth before. I was starting to get nervous, damn near ready to throw up...not to mention I needed to be home in an hour for a family dinner. "your family won't even notice a thing girl don't trip," the tweaker cousin told me. And in that moment my life changed forever. I watched in absolute amazement and excitement as the cousin held a lighter under the pipe and twisted back and forth. She wouldn't allow us to do it ourselves because being newbs she knew that we would burn it and waste all the shit. So she held the pipe to Alexa's mouth and she sucked in and blew out a huge cloud of smoke. And then it was my turn. She held the pipe up to my mouth... I breathed in, and as I was blowing out the cloud I felt like a new person. It hit me so quickly and I instantly wanted another hit, and another and another. So her cousin held up the pipe to my mouth, lit, and twisted again as I became more and more excited. I instantly noticed my hands shaking followed by a flush of joy throughout my body. It was amazing, like nothing i'd ever felt before. So her tweaker cousin left and Alexa and I bonded like we never knew was possible. We went for a walk outside and gushed over how beautiful the chirstmas lights were. Everything was so beautiful. I began talking a mile a minute and Alexa reminded me to talk slowly when i get home.
Then the worst thing that could have happened, happened. Alexa got the number of her cousins drug dealer from her phone when she wasn't looking. And from then on we grew closer and closer as our new found love for meth grew stronger and stronger.
I was amazing, fearless, confident, i felt like the hottest shit on the earth. This was what I had always wanted, to feel good about myself. This was MY kind of drug... this was just what i had always wanted. I was already hooked and I didn't even know it. I will never forget christmas day when I woke up with sores all over my tongue that were so painful i couldn't eat a thing and I was caughing up black phlem all day. I began to get angry if Alexas psycho cousin didn't want me over or if our dealer wasn't answering the phone. I began wanting it ALL the time. and so did she. We were in for one hell of a ride and neither one of us had any idea how bad it was going to get.
So from then on i'm sure you can pretty much guess the story... it's no different from everyone else's. I spiralled out of control, began doing meth everyday for a year, got extremely skinny, lost my job, my car broke down, and my mental state was a disaster.
I was stumbling down the street from friends houses at 4 in the morning crying, swigging a bottle of jack and trying to find a place to snort a line. I had a home, my parents didn't fully catch on although they were very worried about me, i just never wanted to be there. and so i found myself stumbling down streets crying doing anything to stay away from home.
ANYWAYS my best friend eventually figured out why I was so distant from her, why I became SO skinny, why I could never sleep when I slept over at her house, why i was always so talkative, etc. and she called my mom. she saved my life that day. My parents freaked, they had no idea it was meth that had changed me into a crazy party girl. They sent me to a rehab program and here I am nearly a year clean.
this time of year is so hard for me now though.... it brings it all back... the smells, the places, the people, the beauiful lights... now the lights just look dull. everything looks dull. sure i feel good... i love feeling physically healthy and not feeling like absolute shit everyday. I love not going psychotic on a daily basis. I do like the simple little life i have now and I have a great job.
but i have a feeling i will never be able to truly let go. I can't figure out why but I still want it back more than anything in this world. I know I can't, because i love my family too much and i never want to hurt them so badly again, but I fear for my future because I do long for that crazy life back so badly.
anyways, this became way longer than i intended, shit :/ theeeee end.
