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I'm lost, I don't know what to do

Shatter

Shatter

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 31, 2015
Messages
28
I'm 17. It started out as just curiosity. Getting drunk to see what it felt like. Then it took my mind off of the things I was lacking in my life. Drinking until I blacked out, or woke up in puke. Drinking in school, my friends telling me what a dumbass I was. Then to hydrocodone. Damn I love that shit. Weed makes me feel so fine. DXM next. 12 hour Delsym polystirex, go big (long?) or go home I guess.

I wake up every day and It just seems grey. All I think about is how I can get fucked up next. The worst part is my friends won't even get plastered or baked with me. I'm usually just alone. For a while I was very I guess high energy or arrogant. I was that kid at parties that nobody could stand. Who usually wouldn't shut the fuck up. Now I fit in. I guess. I don't say much. I don't have many friends, and I'm not very close.

Girls? I never had any luck. It's not like I can't get them. I seem to have all the right qualities or whatever. I get girls interested in me all the time but a while ago I lost interest for girls. For awhile all I wanted was to feel love. Actual love. Haha I was so stupid. I guess I was burned one too many times. Sounds so cliche doesn't it? I never get that warm fuzzy tingly feeling I used to get when I used to have interest in girls. Now that feeling is replaced with other things. Artificially.

Anyway I guess what I'm saying is I feel lost. I have big dreams but I feel like they will never become reality. I lost motivation for everything. The worst part is I have no one to tell.

I want to get fucked up and never come down. What happened? Everything has changed so much.
 
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For a 17 year-old, the way you write tells me that you're intelligent. The fact that you know you have a problem is something to be proud of. I am 29. I have been clean for only 12 days and I feel miserable, but spending my entire paycheck on pills is bogus. I know this. I kept doing it even when I had no food left to eat. My lights never got cut off, and this surprises me. I borrowed so much money from my family. I make over 45 a year, so my habits got out of control and I was sick of stressing out about it.

You simply have to make the decision to stop. You will need help. Can you talk to anyone at all? You are so young and have so many opportunities ahead of you. That sounds cheesy and cliche as hell, but I'm serious. Are you only on 10mg??

You're on the right path. The thoughts in your head are good. I'm sorry if all this rambling wasn't helpful for you, but it has been for me.
 
I honestly don't know what those substances are that you mentioned in the very bottom of the first paragraph, so perhaps I really can't be of much help. If they are anything like oxys- then I know it's miserable, horrible, terrible to withdraw from--but what I know more about is that taking them on a day to day basis is insane. It is not a way to live! You will become a prisoner if you don't have the courage to say NO now. The first step is committing to trying to stop. I failed twice. Was clean for months then relapsed. I am determined to never go back. The high is amazing but the stress is unbearable. I'm reaching out so hard to you because you're so young and my heart is breaking thinking that the best years of your life could be wasted in a money guzzling haze. Please reach out to me further if I can be of any more assistance. In the meantime, I am going to focus on my own sobriety and on trying to find some sort of purpose to live for now a days.
 
No it's okay. Thank for you taking the time. I would say that I don't want to stop. In fact I would very much so love to continue. It's kind of hard doing it all alone by myself. No funny stories, no memories of good times fucked up with friends. Just me by myself. I'm not currently on opiates, I ran out from my (not really mine) prescription bottle. I've asked around for Oxy but nobody seems to be able to help be find any and it's frustrating. So it's back to drinking for me I guess. I just wanted to know if anyone else had any similar experiences and if they ever found the type of person/people they were looking for to help them realize that life can be enjoyable beyond just this mess.
 
Yes! There are people out there who are true human beings that think creatively, who make wonderful things, who are able to open your mind up to new thinking. I didn't meet any of these people until after college. I of course knew some in college, but I never fit in until after grad school. I now associate with a group of truly inspiring people. I met my BF (not sure what our status is, actually) through these people. Most of my friends drink, but not to excess. A and I are the only ones who got hooked on oxys. I smoke weed daily and drink probably 1.5 beers a night. A suffers from alcoholism too. You are young enough to quit without your life being destroyed on such a huge level.

I want more than anything to snort a blue boy right now. Are you kidding? No one wants to stop, but you seem to know you need to. Truly, if you continue, you will have no memories, no fun times, no opportunities to meet the kind of people you're desperately hoping to meet. They exist!
 
I will definitely keep in mind that it would be much easier to snuff a bad habit early. It's true. I don't really have high hopes for other people. Everyone has a sob story and everyone has that same cliche story that we've all heard from that "type". I guess me included.

I just have no faith in other people to bring me joy and so that leads to a very lonely outlook, that's all.

I hope in your case that you can stay clean, I have mad respect for those who are able to be content with stopping. Not because stopping is hard, but because not doing these things and still feeling complete is hard.
 
I hope you find a reason or just the willpower to quit while you still can. Loneliness and depression is what started my love for drugs in the first place and what continues to drive my drug use even though after every score i say its my last and vow to stop. I just end up caving as soon as i get money though. What really sucks is after awhile you usually end up getting arrested for something or other and i ended up with a few nice charges that just put this stigma on my name and makes it harder than ever to find friends or girls to spend time with because their first thought is what i was charged with and they associate it with being scum. Also makes finding a job pretty tough. Trust me man, just get out while you still can and before you fuck up anything permanently. Trust me jail is no fun and neither is being threatened with a gun to your head. Whatever you choose though i wish you the best of luck because no matter what nobody deserves to feel like shit or worthless or like scum because they fucked up and made stupid decisions once upon a time because everyone makes mistakes but some mistakes are far more socially acceptable than others. Sorry for the ramble, hope you get something out of it though buddy.
 
I'm in a similar boat bro but I kept on going just like u want to, been getting fucked up since I was 14-15 and now I'm thirty fucking seven years old man! I haven't progressed in life like everyone I used to know, they all moved on and got married, got awesome fulfilling jobs and had cool ass little kids, but me? Na bro I'm still here man. I switched my drugs of choice but it's all the same man. When I was ur age it was all about the drink too until I destroyed my pancreas by drinking every fucking day. Then I moved on to ectstacy pills, like the booze they made me more outgoing and made it easier to get along with the human race that I've always despised, much like it seems u do and for similar reasons. Well after working my way up to around 20 e-pills a day I lost my connect for those and my insides were just so torn up and I woke up paralyzed by pain one morning, the pain was so intense that I literally could not even move a finger without pain coursing through my body so I called an ambulance and went to the hospital. Took them 3 days to figure out that I had pancreatitis and they said that I was a day away from dying, if that. Well they put me on copious amounts of opiod painkillers while I was in the hospital for 10days or thereabouts, thank god cause the opiates helped me detox from everything else I was doing pretty painlessly. I checked myself outta the hospital cause I was losing my mind and thought the drs were trying to poisen me so I ripped all the Ivs and lines going into my body out and I was bleeding everywhere when I checked out. My guess is that u get pretty psychotic when u quit such high doses of MDMA so suddenly. Anyways, I had no script to keep pain at bay so I started copping whatever I could off the st. Fentanyl, oxy, hydro, well u get the picture. Turns out I activated some latent schizophrenia and depression from all the yrs of substance abuse. Fast forward 12-13 yrs and here I am, unable to deal with society, dependant on heroin and just miserable about the way life turned out. I had an iq of 135 before all of this madness and now I'd say it's closer to 100-110, I lost a lot brother and I know a lot of people that were a lot like us and they lost even more, I'm one of the best case scenarios if u can believe that lol. I can't work, shit man I can't even go outside without having insane panic attacks. I only tell u all this in the hopes that u can see that your headed to a similar place and this is just no way to live man. You seem like a smart guy like I was so I hope you'll read everyone's testimonials and advice and think twice about your future and where your actions will lead you if you don't put yourself in check before it's too late. The years go by sooo fast and before u know it you'll be 37 and you'll be right where I am doing exactly what I'm doing. You'll probably even be here on bluelight trying to keep others from making the same mistakes you made. There's no glory in this kind of life, it's not cool. All you have in this world is you so all you can do is do right by yourself bro. Your young so the girls will come but u gotta put yourself out there in order to meet them, they're not gonna show up at ur door while your drinking to numb the pain of this world. Well I'm gonna stop now cause I can go on and on and tell u all kinda of things that I'm sure u can relate to but to be honest it's depressing me so u know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna go spend a ridiculous amount of money on heroin, an amount that I never thought I would spend on a substance cause I don't know another way to feel any better. I'm in the same boat as u bro but the only difference is that u have 20yrs one and a great chance to change, and maybe save your life! Try your best to function in this world, suck it up while ur brain still has the plasticity to do so, before u get so stuck in ur ways til u find there's no way out! It happens fast and it sneaks up on u, u don't even know it's happening. Just try bro, you'll never forgive yourself if you don't and you'll live the rest of your life with regrets and there's nothing worse than regret, trust me brother! Good luck and god bless bro! I hope you get everything in this life that you ever wanted, but the only way to do that is to change. It seems impossible, I know bro, but it's not, and at your age it's gonna be much easier now than it will later on in life. I wish u all the best my friend in pain, all the best...
 
Finding a purpose in life is one of the most difficult and at times fruitless things a human can do. While I hate when people tell me this, I do believe it to be true: you've got to be happy with yourself, love yourself, before you can be happy with or love other people. No one else is hiding a box that is secretly holding YOUR happiness and joy in life. This doesn't mean that life is hopeless though.

What kinds of things do you enjoy doing? Do you play any instruments? Write poems? Paint pictures? Throw balls? Whatever it is that can get your mind in a higher place, focus on that, make friends through that.

I understand the feeling complete part. I snorted pills daily because I felt incomplete. The next few hours I felt on top of the world, but nothing lasts forever. Focusing on when you can get fucked up next is no way to live. That kind of living will take any and all joy away. In the beginning it seems simple. It won't be.

You mentioned you had a few friends. I am hoping you have at least one golden friend who you feel comfortable telling anything to, no matter how scummy it makes you feel. A golden friend andyour own determination is all you need. I suggest getting in your car and driving to some place new and beautiful! The world is full of beauty and I desperately hope you too can believe this to be true someday.
 
Cliffy,

Sharing your story is courageous and I commend you for it. I am sorry you have been a prisoner in your body for all this time. I know how miserable it can be. I don't think it's too late for you though. Do you feel like it is?
 
I'm old and at peace with it all now. Ive been how I am for so long that I've lost any skills I once had, including communication. It's hard to explain but I can't change now, living sober doesn't work for me at all with all mental and physical conditions so I do what I gotta do to make it bareable. My mother was also schitzophenic and bipolar and her whe side of the family are all the same so I've got that gene. I'm not gonna suffer like they did for the sake of not being stigmatized. I take chances I shouldn't take just to pay the bills and support my habit. I can't do anymore jail, even overnight damages my psyce so much that it's crazy. I've never dealt with it good but I used to be able to force myself to take more risks and I made good money for a long time so the little bit of money that I scrape out now is like a joke and honestly I have no idea how I'm staying afloat but somehow I'm still not homeless and I'm still free unlike a lot of people I grew up with so ... Holy shit I got high a few minutes ago right before I started writing this and when I do a few bags I come outta my shell and like to talk(the only time I ever wanna talk to anybody, ever! Besides my mr. Kitty, the greatest friend I've ever had in my life! He is so awesome and feels when I'm sad or feel ok or feel guilty or anything, he really knows and is like an angel in my corner , he's really saved my life on multiple occasions.
Oh shit bro here I go again, lmfao! OP I AM SORRY FOR THE HIJACK BRO, it was not my intention but the I'm feeling a bit better and got carried away. And flannery my man I'm sorry if I didn't answer your post completely but I feel bad I jacked the thread so I'm gonna stfu now lol. Wow usuall it takes...., forget it derrrrrrr lol. I hope everyone's having a good new yrs eve and op I hope the New Years brings you love bro! That's what were all trying to find I think. There was nothing in this world as great as being truly and madly in love, it's well worth the pain that love can also bring IMO/ ime! We take it for granted until it's gone. Eventually we all get old and our looks aren't what they once were and it gets harder to find that right person for you that you also feel the same way, looks fade but for some reason unrealistic standards don't and that's a horrible mix and nearly impossible to trick urself into having feelings for som... I did it again lmfaorotflmfao!!!!!!!! I'm done I'm out I apologize 50000x what a .. Forget it lol!!!!!
Edit-lmfao!!!
Flannery thank you for the kind words and I apoligize to u as well brother!
 
That's okay, Cliffy. I am sure that the OP is feeling blessed to have had you stop by to share your story. You're right, at the end of the day, everyone is looking for love. Whether that be self love or the love of others, the pursuit is endless. I don't blame you for sticking with the drugs. I always felt love when I did them.

I will hold you in my heart and I hope that someday, you find what we are all searching for. You deserve it just as much as anyone else.
 
Quit while your still ahead, definitely stay away from opiates they will make you do things you never thought you'd do. I used to only think about getting fucked up all the time as well, if some one put a pill or a line or a needle in front of me I was taking it. Eventually I ended choosing oxys as my DOC smoking then off foil. Soon I was doing some pretty crazy stuff just to keep up my habit. I was also good at the whole double life thing for a long time, but eventually you start getting so skinny people know somethings up, eventually I got clean for a little bit but couldn't shake the cravings, I knew I had to get away somewhere so the next time I could pass a UA, I joined the Army, got stationed in Germany. If you keep using for too long you'll never shake that craving, I lucked out that they don't make OCs anymore, because I still think about them some times even though the last time I did one was in 2010, there's better things in life than being high, just remember the longer you use the harder it is to quit, the more times you quit the longer the Withdrawals last. I Don't know if you experience withdrawals yet but I can say from some one who's been to combat, has a body covered in scars from burns, been in a rollover acident, withdrawals from opiates suck worse than all my other injuries, there is no pain like WDs.
 
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