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I'm Lost and can't find my way.

JasperTheReckless

JasperTheReckless

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 1, 2011
Messages
339
I don't know where to start;

Today I lost one of the best friends I have ever had, in fact I'd say one of those friends that you only run across once, maybe twice in a lifetime. I'm past my quota, and am having trouble coming to terms with it. They no longer have any desire to continue to speak to me, and (without meaning for it to sound like an excuse) I am at this moment, three hours past getting discharged from acute care, for a failed suicide attempt last week. I thought I was ready to come home and get to crackin' skulls on whatever needed work, and fixing; but sure enough, an hour inside my house and things are back to sliding downhill at an alarming rate. I'm not ready to cope with things like this, i'm one month sober, excusing the failed attempt, and I am (was?) excited to keep it that way; however, my mind is welcoming the idea of gettinf fucked up to any extent just so things will stop hurting so badly. It's not cool that when I try to sort things out, when I get a grip on my life and start to make the necessary improvements, all the people who stuck by through all the rough stuff, choose now to leave my side. I don't blame them, I am a wretched individual, but knowing so doesn't make it any easier to deal.

I feel like i'm ranting, so i'll finish the post later on if i can add anything beneficial. I'm just looking for any and all advice for the better.
 
You're not a wretched individual! Thats silly talk, i was in the same place a few months ago when my gf ditched me when i needed her most. I ended up dealing with it through morphine abuse, which sucked but at least it got me through the suicidal phase. But then i had to get rid of the habit. You should be proud you're 1 month sober, i find its easier to deal with these intense feelings by thinking of them as weather patterns in your brain and even though it can be stormy for fucking ever one day you will feel good if only for a day and you need to hold onto the good weather instead of thinking about the bad and slowly it will even out and you'll feel good on more and more days... I know its hard to endure! But you can beat it, and then you can laugh at how the world worked against you and you still won. I still feel shit alot and harm myself and experience suicidal ideation - but its all just bad weather and i try not to hold onto it, and think about the good days instead... <3 i hope you start feeling better!
 
I can cheer everyone up but me it seems, and I've been doing so all day; reminding people, it does get better but only hours later and it's damn hard to believe my own words, ya know?
 
I know exactly what you mean, like you understand the logic your using when you cheer people up, and it seems to cheer them up, but you just can't fully believe it when it comes to applying it to your own situation

My GF was my best friend and i helped her through all her shit and when she left me, all my logic id been telling her became hollow when applied to me. If that makes any sense.

But, after a while, once the shock of the person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with leaving me wore off i can sort've think more positively and say that it WILL be okay.. Time heals all wounds i suppose. It feels like its been taking for ever though and its hard, but i just try to believe in all the cliche shit we say to cheer people up because the other option is being stuck in a hole until i kill myself which aint nice

I hope you don't feel awful too much longer! :(
 
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It makes sense; i'm just scared. I'm hardly that old yet; I can't even legally buy squares yet and all this is going bad so quick. I'm having a hard time even knowing what I want other than to feel better.
 
How old are you by the way? Its really hard to know what you want, i don't think anyone does. You've gotta take small steps cause finding out what you really want in life is a task for when your better. What sort've hobbies do you have? It helps to force yourself to do things, cause i found when i was most depressed i had no hobbies, and with nothing to do you just sit there thinking bad thoughts, doing anything helps

I try to read, draw, paint, go for walks, help around the house, anything to pass the time.
 
I turn 18 the 24th of this month.

My name has changed, it was Doc Hydramine

So you guys may know some of my stories.
 
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Im 20 so im not that old either :) do you live with your family? You just have to try and beat it, i wish i could help more!! I really know how you feel i was feeling the same when i was 18, i hated school, hated everyone at school hated the teachers and most of all hated myself, but you can become okay, try and do small things that improve your self esteem like doing stuff for your family, it really makes you feel like a better person, and it doesnt have to be big, ya know? you don't need to think about your problems to fix them, often the thinking just makes it worse, its doing stuff that makes you feel better, and developing a routine (thats not based around drugs) what were your drugs of abuse?
 
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. When put under extreme pressures like this, the only coping strategy for the human mind is to find a way to feel better. Please, when I tell you this i mean it, drug use is completely counter productive and you will see that it in no way will make you feel better once you look back. Don't think badly of yourself either. We're all humans, we all make mistakes and do stupid things, and have irrationally low opinions of ourselves at times. Today I posted this. "The art of fucking up. I've mastered it. Glad I have though, so much to learn from my mistakes".

I can cheer everyone up but me it seems, and I've been doing so all day; reminding people, it does get better but only hours later and it's damn hard to believe my own words, ya know?
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I am a victim of this as well, these things are so much easier said than done right? Imagine yourself talking to these people, imagine how you want to make them feel by saying that, and now make yourself feel worthy enough to deserve to be happy, because I know for a fact that you do. All humans deserve a chance at human happiness, no matter what they've done. Just remember this. Feelings come and go, they never stay. Sure, they might stay longer periods of time, but they only stay as long as you let them (again more of my advice I know I can't follow sometimes). Death is permanent, there is NO turning back. Your feelings are final, everything is written in stone once you pull the plug. Your life isn't worth taking, there is so much out there to experience and there are so many possibilities to save yourself from this rut you are in. Try talking to somebody, drug use is a very harmful and negative copings skill, and there are so many healthier choices that you could be practicing. Life is tough, feel free to PM me if you ever want somebody to talk to. For now I'm off to bed, it was a long day. Best wishes to you, stay strong <3

P.S - PLEASE read the Suicide Support Thread if you ever feel like you're going to try to kill yourself again, and also check out the Grief Thread and by all means feel free to express yourself on either. You aren't alone in this.
 
Dimenhydrinate was the BIG one, with Diphenhydramine a close 2nd. Nothing ever came anywhere near close to being preference.

Dramamine landed me in the ER for the first time; I got hooked so quick, I scarfed every single pill I could find, when I ran out, I grabbed the closest substitute the stores I'm near from had, Benadryl, unisom ect. A matter of days from happy weed smoking teen to strung out aspiring addict.
 
Atleast you guys aren't 27 and want to kill yourself every 5 mins

18 is hella young
 
I've heard the fx on cognitive funtion from dimenhydrinate and diphendramine abuse can be quite nasty, do you think the fallout from these drugs have made your depression worse? Its good you've ceased using them as an escape, they can cause lasting damage.
 
I was at odds with the results of my brain scan, they said not a thing wrong with my domepiece. I can't easily agree. DMH and DPH are what I would consider violent substances, in, they hit hard, and often take even experienced users by surprise. I know for a fact my short term memory has gone to shit since I started on those, I'll lose my train of thought on the second word of a sentence. As a matter of fact, I'm bewildered I typed this reply in under 30 minutes.

With hospitalization being the exception, with odd bits of abstinence here and there, I was on one or the other the vast majority of the last two and a half years.
 
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Wow :( i guess the best thing you can do now is be glad you havent done more damage, it'll take a long time to recover from i think
 
Op you are going through so much at the same time; you should feel very proud that you are where you are. I know it doesn't feel like it to you (you are feeling your weakness) but from the outside all I can see is strength!

I was wondering if there were any follow-up groups from acute care? Losing a good friend like that is definitely traumatic and feeling alone when you are trying to stay clean, grieving that loss and just trying to regain your equilibrium from feeling suicidal would be too much for anyone!

So much <3 to you.
 
I am feeling better today than I have in a while; Got my meds from walgreens, got doses all correct. I am in an outpatient program, goes from like 9 to 12:30 on weekdays. In CD (chem dependence) and depression groups mostly. Side note, I practically ran the med education group; total reflex to answer every question. Kept getting asked if I was gonna be a pharmacist. lol.

It is helpful, and the people there are great.

My toast is on fire, this post is over for now O.O
 
Ha! You are me! I burned so much toast yesterday--2 slices, then threw those away and burned 2 more. gave up.
 
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