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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I'm in deep shit

Thank you Budisti and MrRoot, I first thought of writing this to a Finnish forum, but I've done that before and I was told to fuck off, so I thought bluelighters may be more ready to accept people who are "different". Budisti, I can't talk about my research here, because I'm afraid that my boss searches keywords related to our work on google and this thread pops up as the first search result...::D I'm a bit paranoid about my drug history getting to my employers attention.

I'm sorry if my previous posts looked like I'm talking to myself instead of answering to people. Even my psychiatrist said that I often sound like I'm talking in a live tv broadcast, talking to a large audience, instead of talking directly to her...

Some years ago I saw a documentary in tv about Japanese "hikikomori" youth:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/correspondent/2334893.stm

Those kids are unable to even leave their room, and they are probably dependent on their parents until they're about 40... I think my problem is similar to that, but less severe.

I don't think that the Asperger's syndrome is an explanation to all my problems... I think I also have some kind of personality disorder/traumatization from my childhood. Like I said, my dad is an alcoholic, and when I was a little kid, he was sometimes drinking so much that he had some kind of alcohol hallucinosis and he was screaming and shouting loudly at imaginary people. That really scared me and my sister, because we were too young to understand what it was about.

My dad was often so shitfaced that he had no sense of place and time, and for example he often pissed in the wastebasket in our kitchen when drunk, because he didn't know whether he was in the kitchen or in the toilet. My mom even told me that once when I was a few months old and in the cradle, my dad was drunk and pulled down his pants and was going to piss on ME, before my mom stopped him and took him to the bathroom.

When I was about two years old, my mom was pregnant and one night she got a miscarriage and started to bleed. She was screaming for help, but my dad was drunk in the living room watching tv and he just shouted: "Shut up bitch, I'm watching sports!". My mom had to seek help from the neighbors to get to the hospital.

My dad also behaved antisocially and when he was younger he sometimes got arrested for shoplifting and similar crimes. Once he even went to shop and started to arrogantly drink beer straight off the shelf without paying... He got a fine of over $150 for that...

I'm not saying that my childhood was the worst possible, I know that many of you had to suffer physical/sexual abuse in childhood and that's even worse than what I had to go through.
 
" I'm not saying that my childhood was the worst possible, I know that many of you had to suffer physical/sexual abuse in childhood and that's even worse than what I had to go through. "

trauma is trauma when it comes to the mind.

i would definitely continue letting this go somehow, constructively and positively(it should be more difficult if so usually) for yourself.
IDK~
maybe try a message in a bottle: off into where nature may carry it, with out fear or holding on to its surroundings, or of what was once contained in you.
 
polymath said:
If I tried to permanently live on social security, I'd be really poor for the rest of my life, especially because I have to start paying back my student loans in a couple of years.
Click to expand...

Being realistic, if you were on SS, then you wouldn't be paying back your student loans. I'm not sure if you could claim hardship with medical documentation, or they would simply and mercilessly butcher your credit rating, but if you were subsisting on SS, you would be better off to pay nothing.

As others mentioned, a daily routine will help restore your sanity. Even something as small as attending one thing, 3x a week, will give your brain a sense of purpose. As you get older, it becomes more and more difficult to function unless you have routine. If you find yourself drifting around town, sleeping and eating whenever, and skipping all but the most crucial of obligations, then you're going to slowly unwind into a tangled mess.
 
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With all my medical conditions and crap I find the best way to stay on traget with work is having a consistent schedule. Even on my days off. For the first year after getting back to work, I didn't go out at all even on weekends. Meditation, yoga, and walking everyday has helped ease my physical pain and seeing a therapist helpd with my emotional issues.

My best advice is that if you do not feel like you are getting the proper medical attention, it is your right to be seen by another psychiatrist. Most patients do not feel like they are in charge if their medical treatment/options which is complete bullshit!! You have to advocate for yourself because no one else will.

Good Luck
 
OK, I moved to the new apartment with the help of my aunt and her husband(my aunts husband is a former professional weightlifter so he had no problem carrying the new furniture to my apartment, even though he's 60 years old). My new job begins in less than two weeks, 1st of June.

I think I'm gonna have serious problems going to sleep early and waking up in time to go to work. That's why I'm going to ask my doctor to prescribe me a sedative antihistamine(hydroxyzine) next week when I see her... For the last months I've gone to sleep at 4 a.m. and woke up at 12 noon and that rhythm has to change. I really need some meds to make me sleep,,,

Because I've had no job and I've had low income for the last few years, I've gotten into a problem with loans... Here in Finland almost anyone can get payday advance loans even if they don't have a job. Those loans have a terrible interest rate, i.e. you borrow $100 and you have to pay $125 next month. Of course many people who need money for some addiction(alcohol, drugs or gambling) take more loans than they can pay back and next month they have to take even more loan to pay back their previous loans etc... That's a vicious circle.

I currently have $1400 of payday loans and I'm seriously thinking of ways to pay that back... If I don't do anything, that debt is going to grow exponentially and get even worse. The recommended way to get out of a vicious circle with payday loans is to get a regular loan(with a normal interest rate) from a bank and use that to pay back the payday loans. I don't think banks are gonna give me loan without a guarantor... The relatives I mentioned before have close to $1000,000 of property and they could probably guarantee my loan, but it would be very embarrassing to ask for that. I think I first try to ask for loan myself and only if that doesn't work, I'll ask help from them.

I'm really embarrassed by this problem, because most people here in Finland think that only the stupidest people take payday loans... I'm academically educated and I'm supposed to have high IQ but I still have this kind of a problem...
 
With a legit regular job 1400 is really not all that much to payback, once you get working at it it will be setteled before you know that. With work it will be kind of the same you just got to push yourself initially and it will be something your proud and happy to do with time. Good luck
 
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