Im in a very bad place right now.

[Cloroxtastebad]

Before I begin, all I ask is that those who see this spend the short time needed to read and respond. Sometimes just a little support from others can do more than most can imagined to help someone get through a hard time.


While writing this the overwhelming sensation of sadness is building in my chest. I can hardly type without tears landing on my keyboard.

I recently went off effoxor. Unfortunetly effexor did nothing to help me. It left me emotionless and without the drive to do anything with my life. I spent 6 months on 300mg of effexor, and during that time I can say I didn't do a single productive thing.

The 5 years previous too this time I battled with depression and anxiety. Trying various medications including prozac, wellbutrin, vibryd, effexor, seroquel, lamictal, t3.... nothing has worked.

The thing the makes this so much worse is that I believe its all my fault. 7 years ago when j was in 10th grade I got myself into amazing shape, and the following years of highschool I was the popular kid. I was the ripped kid who got the girls, the kid people were jelous of. Yet Inside I dealt with this terrible anxiety that nobody knew of. It was at this time that I was given 20mg of adderall. It destroyed my anxiety and made my internal self image match my external image. I felt amazing.

From that time on I abused adderall nearly daily. For a long time it was great, until I began needing more and more. I used to be able to have great fun without it, I would just have to push through the anxiety. Things changed though, I no.longer could do anything without it. I began injesting 120mg of adderall a day. My addiction worsened, I began going through adderall too fast and I would run out of it. I would go a week or so bed ridden, unable to do anything but cry. I had never felt so bad in my life.

After 4 years of this I stopped and began treatment with antidepressants and psychotherapy. Too this day I have never felt the way I did in highschool. I haven't felt alive for years, I'm filled with sadness and lack of motivation. I no longer have energy to workout and I haven't been out of my house in weeks.

I'm wasting my life away, I need something to help me. Does anyone have suggestions. I fear I don't have much strength left in me. I have quit the use of any recreational drugs, but recreational drugs havnt helped me in years. Adderall was the only
Thing I really abused. Ive tried Lsd, various opiates, some research chems.

I need something to give me the push to join the outside world again. Please help me

 

[Alex000]

Okay, firstly, I would remind yourself that if you have recently gone off a relatively high dose of Effexor, you aren't likely to feel the best even considering your other issues. So, try to put that into perspective. It can be hard - I know, but it is possible. I would recommend you do some things to make yourself comfortable for now - healthy things. I would suggest a healthy and balanced diet, a good sleep-wake routine, exercise (any kind, and to what extent you might like), taking pleasure (the most you can) in how you look and what you do and how you are. Yoga is actually quite wonderful for the mind and body, and can provide enormous comfort often extending beyond just the yoga session. I like yoga, because it is an exercise that isn't really an exercise in orthodox terms, and it helps the mood and spirit, encouraging peace and relaxation, as well as mood elation. A good sleep-wake routine with ample sleep and good sleep hygeine can get you on a more balanced, healthy schedule of life, too. A healthy diet, obviously, will help with how you feel - avoid processed foods, preservatives etc. And, as I said, try to be as happy as you can considering what is possible for you.

All of what I have written of above will get you in a better, maybe not ideal, but better place of mind and body. Give yourself some time for your neurochemistry to balance out a bit more, as it has been barraged with a number of psychotropic drugs which have had a biological effect on the brain. So, don't dive into any deep drugs too soon, I'd say, or at least not in excess. I, then, might suggest a low-dose of a daily benzodiazepine with a long half-life such as clonazepam (Klonopin) or diazepam (Valium) to take a few doses throughout the day, maintaing steady anxiety control. But, again, I would suggest a low dose.

I would continue with psychotherapy, but make sure it is suiting your needs. Many therapists are frankly just poor at what they do, and it may take going through several to find a good one, but do give them a chance. I would aim to get to the root of your anxiety and depression, which can be done with the help of a therapist, but also can be done by oneself to an extent depending on the individual's competency and willingness to explore his psyche. You will want a therapist who can guide you through daily life to make it easier, yes, but also one who can help dig a bit deeper, and perhaps relieve the issue causing this anxiety and depression a bit more, thus making life more manageable on its own. To be honest, I do think the amphetamine addiction has done you no favors with your mental health esp. at the doses you were taking, and the length of this addiction, but it can be managed, and the brain can become much healthier with time to heal. I would suggest a psychologist over another therpaist or counselor, honestly, but there are non-psychologist therapists who can be of great help, so I don't want to make a cover-all statement. Psychologists simply tend to have a bit more education and experience with theories of psychology, and this may help in the part of digging deeper.

It sounds to me you have basically two issues compounding each other, or three if you wish to look at it that way. First, there is your anxiety and depression which was present before your drug use, and which likely has a cause of some sort, or can be managed in some fashion. Second, there is the issue of the drugs you have taken (esp. the amphetamine addiction), which have likely made your mental health worse. Third, you are still in the process of what could be withdrawl, for lack of a better term, from the Effexor, which can induce particularly nasty effects after discontinuation.

Holistic approaches other than what I have mentioned above, such as yoga, can help, too. Acupuncture did more for me than I ever thought possible, and massages are great, truly. Warm or hot baths, or colder baths, can all help with certain symptoms and cause one to feel better. Aromatherpay can be of help, too. Reflexology is touted to be effective, and I would not doubt that. There are a lot of holistic alternatives or adjuncts to modern Western medicine, which can be of great benefit. A proper regimen of vitamins and minerals can help, too. B vitamins can help esp. with energy, and magnesium has been shown to have an overall good effect with anxiety and other troubles. Serotonin precursors are not something I am terribly familiar with, and considering your experience with serotonergic drugs, I cannot give good advice on those, but they may be of help. Just giving ideas that come to mind.

I really hope you get to feeling better. Try to be active, as possible. You don't have to run a marathon, but a quarter-mile walk once or twice daily could be a great start, and be of more benefit than you might think. Also, do things you enjoy with art, and that type of thing. Write, paint, cook, sing, whatever - it all can help with self-expression, and lead to a better understanding of oneself and one's state.

- Alex

 

[blahman8000]

Hey man. I can understand what you're going through. I also dealt with amphetamine addiction for a few months. At first it gave me a feeling that was superior to basically any other drug. I wanted to feel like that all the time. It was like waking up. I could not get enough of it. From my first dose, I knew I'd have a hard time following the prescription dosages. In fact I knew I wouldn't. The first day I took my Adderall, I took my daily dose three times. I had long conversations amazing, cleaned my room in a couple hours, and just generally had a great day just by keeping myself busy. It made me feel like myself, 100%, and I felt confident in that. I did well in school, I did a good job in work, etc. Then it eventually started to turn on me. And I can see that you know how that goes. The comedowns were apocalyptic. Rarely have a felt worse than that. Other times I'd end up in the hospital because I'd been up for days without eating and taking too much Adderall (I lied to the doctors and said I took my normal dose with too much coffee).

Getting off amphetamines is definitely no cakewalk. You feel like you held life in the palm of your hand, and then it's taken away and you've never felt lower. I amphetamine even when I knew it would turn out bad, just so I could pull myself out of a crash. That week or so of withdrawals and cravings is terrible. And I understand the lingering emptiness even months later. It feels like nothing will change, nothing will work, etc.

There are options beyond medication, though, many of which Alex000 mentioned about. Medication, I think, is best viewed as a supplement for psychotherapy, where you really get your hands dirty and work on recovering. However, finding the right therapist can be as much of a trial and error process as finding the right medication. I know this, although I haven't put this theory into action unfortunately. I did, however, find myself physically better and more motivated and energetic after I sobered up from alcohol (I've since relapsed), started eating healthy and started exercising. It's a great feeling having just completely a good workout. I understand it feels almost impossible to get started, especially when you feel such a lack of energy. However, the hardest part is getting started. Once you're into it, you'll find yourself enjoying it, enjoying the productivity and improving your health. If you really attack this depression/anxiety from all angles, I think you'll find yourself seeing results. You obviously have been struggling for a while, before Adderall came along, and there's a lot you need to address there. The truth is, though, that you can get better.

 

[Cloroxtastebad]

Its not the amphetamines that are causing me trouble. Ive struggled through amphetamine withdrawals many times. The effexor withdrawals Im having put the amphetamine withdrawals to shame.

I go from horrible panic like feelings. Like Im going to just go crazy. Then I go back to just crying my eyes out. I had to go back to 150mg of effexor a few days ago, no relief yet.

Hopefully something good will come soon

 

[webbykevin]

I recently went off effoxor. Unfortunetly effexor did nothing to help me. It left me emotionless and without the drive to do anything with my life. I spent 6 months on 300mg of effexor, and during that time I can say I didn't do a single productive thing.

The 5 years previous too this time I battled with depression and anxiety. Trying various medications including prozac, wellbutrin, vibryd, effexor, seroquel, lamictal, t3.... nothing has worked.

It's not your fault, you have been conned and lied to by the medical profession, did you see this news story from yesterday...

GlaxoSmithKline (GSK) is to pay $3bn (£1.9bn) in the largest healthcare fraud settlement in US history.

The drug giant is to plead guilty to promoting two drugs for unapproved uses and failing to report safety data about a diabetes drug to the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).

GSK, one of the world's largest healthcare and pharmaceuticals companies, admitted to promoting antidepressants Paxil and Wellbutrin for unapproved uses, including treatment of children and adolescents.


"The sales force bribed physicians to prescribe GSK products using every imaginable form of high-priced entertainment, from Hawaiian vacations [and] paying doctors millions of dollars to go on speaking tours, to tickets to Madonna concerts," said US attorney Carmin Ortiz.

The cunts lied to you, no one in the chain was actually concerned about your health, it was all a con, 50 years ago there were none of these so called "mental" disorders, people had good days and bad days and just got on with it and got over themselves, the bastards in the corporate pharma's and the bent do gooding self seving doctors just invented all these labels and started making people believe THEY were the ones with a problem, that feeling a bit stressed wasn't a normal thing but an illness they could treat with expensive drugs, it's all a fucking shell game and you, me and 10's of millions of others have been fucked up the kazooo by these cunts in there BMW's and condos in the bahamas.

Fuck them all, stop listening to them, GET OFF THESE FUCKING BULLSHIT DRUGS, make that your FIRST priority, get your brain in gear, force yourself, find out how the safest way is to get off all this shit and do it, make it a life and death struggle, an adventure, you against the man, taper if you have to but realize that YOU DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM, YOU HAVE BEEN DRUGGED AND CONFUSED BY THESES EVIL FUCKS and YOU ARE NOT THINKING STRAIGHT BECAUSE OF THIS.

Start eating healthy fresh fruit and food, drink LOTS of water, you can do this, all of you can do this, the human body and brain is perfectly capable of regulating itself, NO OTHER ANIMAL MEDICATES unless it's just subtle variations in diet.

Doesn't that make you feel better, I know it gave me a real boost when the blinkers came off and I saw these evil medical cunts for the charlatens they are, it gave me permission to hope, and it gave me the strength to dig my heels in and tell these doctors they are the mental depraved ones not me and I was not interested in ANYTHING they had to say about me and my mental health, you should see the look on their face when you calmly but confidently tell them that, that you have seen through their shell game and you are disgusted and ashamed of them and their whole profession.

It was almost worth all the pain I went through just to come out the other side and tell the cunts they had not beaten me.

Chin up, Deep breath, It gets better, but the drugs are not the answer THEY ARE THE PROBLEM !

Welcome to reality.

 

[sconnie420]

I had never felt so bad in my life.
I fear I don't have much strength left in me.
I need something to give me the push to join the outside world again. Please help me

i cant really say anything to help you,hell i cant help myself..but know that you are not alone in feeling like this..i also feel like im on the brink of madness, without any help in my life..hope things turn out ok for you.

 

[morpher001]

I think the lethargy and different cognition is hormonal and will pass. You have worried yourself sick about it though, and probably have some anxiety eating away at you. Same thing happened to me at that age.

Accept the underlying issue as transitory and try lexapro for 6 to 9 months or as required to pull you out of the depression.

You will be fine.

 

[Cloroxtastebad]

Thank you so much for the responses here. I can say that I spent about 10 days on the edge of suicide, and woke up 2 days ago and the nightmare ended. I went from having these horrible withdrawals where the only thing in me was the darkest sadness imaginable, to waking up one morning free of the pain.

I don't know how my brain made the switch over night but it did. I dot have any form of bipolar disorder so I'm not worried that its a brief effect. I can say for sure that just having the support of others on here helped me stay strong. Thank you.

 

[Hear Me Roar]

i cant really say anything to help you,hell i cant help myself..but know that you are not alone in feeling like this..i also feel like im on the brink of madness, without any help in my life..hope things turn out ok for you.

I can only reiterate what Sconnie has wrote. Your not alone at all, though sometimes It can feel like it; I know the feeling. I can't help you, I wouldn't know what to say. All I can offer Is a shoulder. If you ever want someone to talk to, or someone to vent to, I'm here man. It may not mean much, but it might help to know that even though we have never spoke, or met IRL. I give enough of a shit to care about your well being, anyone's well being. It upsets me to know others go through the same shit, everyday, life has to throw at them, that I do.

I hope you feel better soon.

I mean it man. I'm just an inbox away.

 

[sconnie420]

Thank you so much for the responses here. I can say that I spent about 10 days on the edge of suicide, and woke up 2 days ago and the nightmare ended. I went from having these horrible withdrawals where the only thing in me was the darkest sadness imaginable, to waking up one morning free of the pain.

I don't know how my brain made the switch over night but it did. I dot have any form of bipolar disorder so I'm not worried that its a brief effect. I can say for sure that just having the support of others on here helped me stay strong. Thank you.

That's great that you're feeling better..

 

[footscrazy]

My story is somewhat similar to yours in that I too suffered from anxiety, and 'medicated' it with methamphetamine. I feel like I still have some lingering effects from the meth abuse ( I stopped 1.5 years ago), but I have had huge success with CBT, to the point where I wouldn't consider myself to have an anxiety disorder anymore. One thing that I cannot recommend enough, is meditation. Mindfullness meditation has benefits that extend long after you've stopped meditating; it is a lifelong coping tool. Studies have shown that meditation can actually positively change the brain, and reset your baseline mood, to a higher, happier point. Mindfullness meditation is incredibly easy to do and is about bringing your awareness to the present. Simply breathe in for 3 seconds, and out for three seconds, saying in your head 'breathing in, breathing out.' Keep your attention on the physical sensation of the breath, and whenever your attention wanders, label where it's gone (eg. 'thinking', 'hearing', 'sensation' etc), then bring your awareness back to the breath. I'm sure you can find more details on the net. Please try it, just for 5 minutes each night for a couple of weeks, and see how you feel. I believe I owe my life to meditation, it got me through a really dark period in my life, and it's amazing how effective and life changing such a simple tool can be.

Lately I've also been eating very healthily, and exercising daily, and I'm amazed at how good I feel. I've always liked exercise and done it fairly regularly, and my diet was never terrible, but really focusing on making it as healthy as I can has made a world of difference. I've always been a big proponent of healthy eating and exercise, and you always hear how good it is, but I'm amazed just how much better you can feel by improving these things. It's great! Several times a day I'll stop and think, wow, I feel awesome, and I attribute it to my diet and exercise. 80% of my diet is now fruit and vegetables, as many raw as I can. It's easy and cheap to do too, I make salads with as many different vegetables as I can get, vinegar based dressing and fetta cheese (to make it more palatable) and sandwiches full of vegies/salad.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better. You've received some really great advice from the other posters. What steps are you taking to ensure things keep improving? Have you set any short and long term goals?

 

[MissNervosa]

There's already a wealth of wonderful advice here,so I'm not sure if I can add much,but I've been in a very similar position to you,so I'll just tell you my story.

I've had major depressive disorder for almost 19 years now,and generalised anxiety for 16 years,and panic disorder with agoraphobia for the last two years that I'm still working on (but am slowly improving).I've been on pretty much every med in the book with not a great deal of improvement.I got into speed about 8 years ago,and the first dose made me feel more alive than I have in a long time.I developed a habit for about 2-3 years before getting clean after an accidental minor overdose.I know just where you're coming from.

I too was on Effexor for 1.5 years,with a dose up to 375mg. It did very little for me except make me put on about 30kg in weight.I've weaned myself off many anti-depressant type drugs,as well as amphetamines,and I'll tell you hands down Effexor tapering and withdrawal was the hardest time I ever had.I did a taper over about 3 months,to the point where I was taking individual beads out of the caplets.The last 2 months when I was on miniscule doses I was suicidal almost every day,and looking back I know the taper was way too fast.I couldn't leave the house,I was scared of everything.I cried constantly about how I was wasting my life and that I felt like a burden to everyone and that ppl would be better off without me.

One day I randomly googled "Effexor withdrawals" and found a myriad of support groups,class action lawsuits against the drug,and ppl who were feeling just like me.You didn't say how recently you came off Effexor,but it does take a long time to recover from.What I ended up doing was going back to the minimum dose (37.5mg),and then cross tapered with Prozac.I know you said you've tried Prozac and it didn't work for you,but a lot of ppl in the support groups did it that way too for a reason.The reason being Prozac has a very long half life (about 5 days I believe,off the top of my head) and Effexor has such a short half life that many ppl (including me) experience withdrawals if they take it as little as an hour too late.I'm sure you're familiar with the "brain zaps",and I know,they're horrible.Prozac softened the withdrawal effects as I tapered down VERY slowly,and 5-10mg of valium eased the anxiety.Valium or Klonopin (make sure it's a benzo with a long half life) might be beneficial for you right now.Obviously I'm not a doctor,but this is just what helped me.Perhaps you could work with your doctor on a cross taper of another long acting antidepressant?

Another thing,were all your meds prescribed by a psychiatrist or a GP? If you're not seeing a psychiatrist about your meds,I highly recommend seeing one,as a lot of GPs have bugger all idea what they are doing with antidepressants,and can often make it worse.A good psychiatrist will also be more open to and confident in a cross taper or a cocktail.

Definitely continue with counselling,but do your research.I've seen countless psychologists and counsellors over the years,and I didn't click with many of them,or their style of therapy.I know CBT is one of the more popular forms of therapy,and it's fabulous for many ppl,but it simply didn't work for me.Personally I benefit more from an analysis style therapy,and there are a ton of different styles of therapy,so I'd recommend googling and reading about them,and see if any of them particularly resonate with you.Then find someone who does that style of therapy.

It's already been said,but a healthy diet and exercise (and I know how hard ANY exercise is when you feel like shit) will help.Even if it's just a 5 minute walk around the block each day,it'll help.I also can't stress the importance of Vitamin D.Try and get out in the sun each day for 20 mins or so.It's winter here and we've had many grey days,so I take a Vitamin D supplement.A high dose fish oil,multi-B and magnesium are very helpful too.

The last few months have been terrible for me energy wise as I'm on a very sedating antidepressant and have no energy for anything.I've recently begun taking a pre-workout herbal supplement which is very popular with bodybuilders (lol I'm definitely no gym bunny though).The supplement gives me a ton of energy and focus,and it felt quite speedy to me the first time I took it (only without the bad effects of speed).Perhaps that's something you can look at when you are feeling up to it.I'm happy to PM the name of it to you.

Ok,I've turned this post into a novel,sorry about that! I've rambled on a bit,but only because I've been exactly where you are and empathise greatly. I hope I've helped a little,and if you ever need to talk,please inbox or add me on msn (my msn is on my profile).I promise you that things WILL get better.Just the fact that you are reaching out,and are willing to participate in getting well is a huge step

 

[cantthinkofone]

Hiya. I really feel for you. That kind of sadness is really hard to handle. I do not know anything about Effexor but I imagine the withdrawals are crap just like all others. I cannot help you with advice re: drugs... I am not an expert.

I have a couple of issues like yours and I've found that the only thing that makes me feel better is to find something that I love to do and devote myself to it. I love to make techno music and so I hide it that quite a bit. It's not that easy to get into it but once I get there, I feel fine. Other times I've felt so much better if I help someone else out at a homeless shelter or someplace like that. There are a lot of hungry homeless people out there who would like someone to talk to. These are the kinds of things that help me.

If you, like, somehow fan the flames of the goodness inside you and put it out there it will drive out all the sadness and pain. Just making someone else smile or feel better will make your heart so much lighter and your spirit brighter. I promise you that you will get through this period of your life and you'll get to use the experience to help some others in the future. It can't be random chance that causes us to go through these things. There has to be a reason. Maybe just knowing that is enough to give you the strength to get through it.

Mick

 

[uproarious]

You just said alot. I parallel alot ith this story except I as the kid that everyone else laughed at. Adderal made me a witty class clown with the ability to take the snide remarks and pretend as if they didn't bother me. I am now 27 and have been through hell and back with a full blown heroin/meth/psych addiction. although i can't compare an addiction with junk to psychadelics or speed. I have my own place now and am getting through college slowly. Sometimes i feel so low and worthless I just ant to end it all, but i know now that the worst thing I can do is wallow in self pity and despair. Just keep living and tell yourself the next day might present a better opportunity. My father just paid 1,526 us $ for this semester of college. The books will probably be another thousand. I'm 27 and a sophomore in college addicted to subutex and benzos and feel like a total loser that should just throw myself into traffic. I have a beautiful Girlfriend/Fiance and we are talking about her moving out because i initiated the idea(a bad idea) - I am tired of living in a small house..She does minimal to help the house sanitary or aid me and i resent her for it. I know all these resentments and self destructive thoughts are just making it worse and i should stop them. I can't..I ust got day after day wanting change and doing nothing about it. We have to make decisions and choices on our own. That is the ultimate key.

 

[herbavore]

One thing that I cannot recommend enough, is meditation. Mindfullness meditation has benefits that extend long after you've stopped meditating; it is a lifelong coping tool. Studies have shown that meditation can actually positively change the brain, and reset your baseline mood, to a higher, happier point.

^This. For anyone suffering from anxiety, depression, rage or panic attacks, mindfulness meditation techniques are a very effective and powerful tool. For me they transformed my life, if not saved it. The mental tools you get from incorporating this philosophy into your thinking cannot be overstated. There are so many books, podcasts, classes and other avenues available to learn about mindfulness techniques. The roots are from Buddhism but the philosophy and the practice are easily incorporated whether you are interested in the religion or not. Don't be scared off by the word meditation. Many people think they are incapable of meditating and picture hours of sitting motionless in silence. Mindfulness is a way of living in the present, of letting emotions come without fear and letting them go without attachment. It is very freeing.