I'm in a really bad situation; feel like a dirtbag...

[RaZkaL86]

Hey all BL'ers!!! I haven't posted in a long time but I feel sooooo terrible and need some advice. I recently found out about some stock my father(long deceased) had left to my Mom from the company he worked for. I went ahead and cashed it in to the tune of $3,986 or so. No one knew about this except me and I told her about it but she's 82 years old and she's having memory issues; as in she forgets everything, even the day of the week it is and she also has severe depression. She basically gets up whenever(usually after 1 or 2pm) and sits in her recliner and stares out the window most of the day...She always whines that her life sucks and she's bored all the time...Anyways I recieved the check and I took her to the bank to open a new account; a joint account so I could go to the store for her if she needs anything. I have to digress abit here...about a year and a half ago I was in charge of her Social Security check and paid all the bills for her. Everything was going well until I went beserk and started taking money from her account and buying lots of heroin. Well she found out and my older sister took charge of her finances; she opened a new account at a different bank and has the check going there and pays all the bills. She left the old account open but she changed the PIN on her debit card so I have no access to cash; I can only use her card to shop if I enter "credit" instead of "debit" when I shop. Usually I have no problems but occassionally I get asked for identification and so I have to leave the stuff behind cause my name's not on the card so I'm not supposed to use it. The account is usually empty and I have to call her to add money to the account so I can get things for Mom as she's too busy to do it(which is bullshit, she's just brainwashed by her husband and is not allowed to do anything for us, Mom included). We all hate his guts cause he deliberately keeps her away from us; she denies it all the time but we all know better...So any time my Mom needs money for anything we have to play phone tag with her to get her to deposit some funds from whatever is left from her SS check to buy odds and ends we need. So when this check came I personally took her to the bank and opened a new account with both our names on it and we each have a debit card with our name on it.

Anyways I swore to myself that I wouldn't touch that money for drugs, but I royally screwed up big-time and have been hitting the ATM every day and from what I've figured taken about $1020 out for dope. I have used some of it to pay some bills and got her a new flat screen TV with HD so she can see it better. I am supposed to use the funds to fix up the house that has sustained damage from a freak snowstorm las Oct that snapped branches off the trees due to the weight of the snow along with the leaves that were still on the trees. A tree across the street split in half and fell across the road and clipped the front of our mobilehome and wrecked the edge of the roof along with some branches that pierced the roof and made a bunch of holes in the roof. I have patched it the best I could but I need to fix it properly as there are leaks when it rains. Also the attached enclosed porch(where I live and sleep) leaks and the wall that runs lengthwise is sunk in the middle due to there is a piece of siding that goes on the top of the wall that has been missing for years and water has gotten in between the siding and the exterior wall so it has rotted away all the wood so the wall itself has sunk and the floor inside slopes toward the wall... just a huge mess that has to be fixed. I have promised my other sister who was recently visiting from Texas and found out about the money that it would be going to fixing the roof and wall. I am going to fix them with the help of my neighbor; I have the materials ordered and am just waiting for a sunny stretch to start it...I'm thinking by fixing all this it would somehow get me off the hook somewhat.

I know it's been a long story, but that's the situation right now. The money is getting lower and lower every day and I've tried but I can't control myself as my habit has gotten huge, and when my brainwashed sister finds out about the money she's going to want to know how much there was to begin with and how much is there now. I'm afraid she's going to try to have me arrested or something like that(maybe not her but her scumbag husband would) and my other sister is never going to forgive me for this. I've come clean with my Mom about it, but she's in such a state of depression and "I don't care" mindset that she's had now for a while. We've tried to get her to go see a specialist or shrink but she adamantly doesn't want to. I could really use some feedback from you all...I know what I have to do, but the dope devil is constantly digging his claws into my soul and keeping me from doing the right thing....Please I need to hear from you and even if you all come down on me like a ton of bricks for doing such a scummy thing, I still want to hear it...maybe it will help me find my way....Thanks to you all!!!

 

[RobotRipping]

shitty situation, maybe you can spend whatever money is left on stuff your mom needs rather than heroin, then you'll have no money for heroin. I think fixing the house up would offset what you've done, a bit anyway, so make sure you do that at least. I don't really have any decent advice. If you can't get on methadone or suboxone or something then you will either have to make some money to make sure your mom is okay.

Worst comes to worst you should go through withdrawal before you end up leaving her with no money. You've dug yourself into a hole but you aren't that deep and can definitely get yourself out. You can either make more money to afford heroin, quit heroin, go on some maintenance drug or you and your mom will be fucked for money and you'll feel terrible. Out of those 4 options, 3 of them will leave you not feeling like a piece of shit so i would go with one of them. Definitely fix up the house as much as possible, that way you can at least justify the heroin you bought already in exchange for doing some labor. And if you do enough work you can probably cover up the fact that you spent 1000+ on heroin in case your older sister finds out.

 

[herbavore]

You don't need anyone here to come down on you like a ton of bricks--you are already doing that inside yourself. The problem is that no amount of shame is going to get you to stop, because the shame itself becomes the trigger for using more just to escape it! If you truly have the materials ordered for the work, is there any way that you can pay them up front so that the money is depleted? So much hinges on doing that work. It will help with your mental state not to mention having something to do to take your mind off using.

 

[RaZkaL86]

Thanx for being understanding...I placed the order for the materials online and it should be ready for pickup by tomorrow morning. It's still gonna be a tough situation when my sis finds out; I know she's gonna be like, " how much was the check for and I'll tell her some amount and she'll say "I want to see the statement online showing the deposit" and I'll tell her nope I didn't create an online account, she'll say "make one then"...and so on and on...I'm just going to tell her the truth and " say whatever you want to say it's not going to bring the money back" so let's move on from here and now. I did some reasearch online about joint bank accounts and it all says the same thing; if your co-account holder happens to drain the account, you're pretty much out of luck and you took the risk when you sign up for a joint account with both your names on it. She'll go and tell her asshole husband about it even if I ask her not to and if that bastard shows his ugly face here I'll have to redecorate it with my Louisville Slugger, haha!! This damn thing logs me out after a while (while I'm writing this so I have to refresh it and log back in) that's why it's repeating some words and phrases... Anyways I'll post again to let you know how it went...

 

[Blanch]

you sound like a pretty bad addict, but i can relate on some level. I think we have all had problems where we promised ourselves something and ended up breaking it, even many times.


My advice is to spend as much money as quickly as you can on your mother so there is no more to spend on your dope habit.

 

[rocketqueen]

I am not sure what kind of response you are looking for, but ya, stealing from your sick mother who is a senior citizen really is the height of scumbaggery. Maybe you should get help for your problem...? And I hope the H you buy from the money you keep stealing will keep you warm 'cause you are one cold dude. Not $50 bucks, but over $5000 thus far?

For those that will now jump in and say "You never did anything scummy while using?" sure I have, but ripping off the person I love most in the world is not one of 'em. In desperate times, I worked escort rather than steal from my mom.

The OP asked for opinions, and he got mine.

 

[RaZkaL86]

I didn't post this to get a negative or positive response, I just wanted to hear from anyone who's been in a similar situation and how they dealt with it. I know what I'm doing is fucked up and honestly every time I set out to hit the ATM and cop I feel really nauseous and shake all over, but the overwhelming desire to shoot up is just too much. I do know I need to get on methadone or suboxone, some kind of treatment, but I've been on MMT four or five times in the past, also I see people who are on suboxone that are selling their scripts and still using; plus I've read that subs are just as bad as dope and also addictive. I've done well on MMT a few times, I was clean three years and had 6 ta Dammit this stupid thing did it again!!! Erased most of my post when I have to refresh and log in again!!! Why does it do this????

 

[footscrazy]

Do you have a trusted friend that you could perhaps have look after the accounts for you?

Otherwise, something that I've done with my credit card, is change the pin to a long number that I don't remember (I had to enter it in twice - I wrote it down on a piece of paper, entered it twice as required, then threw away the paper). Because I don't know my pin, I can't get cash from the atm, but I can still buy groceries etc when I can sign for them. This really helped me stop getting cash advances on my credit card for drugs.

Another thing I think you should do is, write down how much is left in the account, and put it somewhere really prominent. Every time you take money out (hopefully not again), write this down too and the updated amount of how much is left. I find when I use money I really shouldn't, I avoid looking at how dismal my account is looking, I just try not to think about it. Actually being aware of how much your spending, and how little bits here and there add up, can really help you confront the reality of what you're doing. At the time, perhaps $50 doesn't seem too bad, its easy to think you can pay it back, or sort it out somehow, but seeing the reality written right there in front of you, that all those dribs and drabs has added up to over a grand...perhaps that'll help you think twice.

Finally, could you look into methadone or bupe maintenance? If your habit was under control and you weren't getting sick, this may remove some of the motivation to take the money. The cravings may still be there, but at least you'd have the assurance of knowing that even if you don't score, you wont be sick - and being sick can be pretty damn motivating when it comes to buying drugs.

Good luck - it sounds like you want to do the right thing, I hope you do.

 

[anthony1958]

1st off your no scumbag,because what your doing is bothering you,scumbags just don't give a f... about anything or anyone,you know what you gotta do,just stop
i know it's easy for me to say,but i can't tell you how many times i kick with nothing,it's tough but it's over in a week or 2,i think you can do it,you really care about what you did,so just do your best to make sure you don't keep doing it,best of luck

 

[ohshea]

My mom bought me a 2003 audit a6 for my graduation gift and at the timeni as clean well she made the mistake of putting both our names on the title with or instead of and so either one of us could sign title over without others signature only one as required. Long story short I started shooting up and a year later sold the all paid for car for 8 grand less than half it's value. Its been over two years since I blew the money in a matter of weeks and the relationship w my mom got ruined and thinking about what I did makes.me disgusted with myself. Biggest regret of my life. Lost all family's trust. Haven't had car since.

 

[Web]

She brought you in this world... She needs you to help take care of her in her old age... And you are gonna steal from her? For dope money, a luxury... Yeah, you SHOULD feel terrible. You are a junkie who let's addiction run your life and fuck with other people's lives. Hurting your family... Willingly. Get some professional help.

 

[rocketqueen]

Actually a sociopath would be the term you are looking for. Scumbaggery is more of a general category. A mod made the excellent suggestion to get on methadone. I did, and now I do not have to engage in any criminal conduct to feed an addiction. It IS encouraging that you feel bad about what you are doing, but do you feel bad enough to stop?

Why not look into it? The clinic's are open tomorrow...

@Footscrazy also made the suggestion to fix the ATM card so you can't get cash. The only thing I ever need actual cash for now is the laundry mat.

 

[RaZkaL86]

Wish I had thought of the changing the PIN idea sooner, but you know where my mind was...I'm going to the bank and do that!! I appreciate all the feedback from you all...Thanks again!!!