Addiction I'm having such a hard time staying sober-ish

[KraziKat]

Because my goal is not total abstinence. At least not for now. Basically, I no longer want to be an opiate addict. It's been 5 years or so now. Blues, illicitly and expensively. When I've run out of pills, I use kratom. Of course I should quit, really, it's simply common sense.

And I am a polydrug addict / misuser. Nightly alcohol, which I'd like to change. If I don't have my DOC, I take anything.

I feel like the key to me being good is MJ. I recently discovered tinctures. When I have cannabis in me, the cravings for opiates and booze subsides.

I haven't had an opiate pill in 6 days. I'm kinda achy, been using kratom and adderall by day (almost out of ads), and xanax by night (have a handful of bars left.)

I know I'll be able to re-up on blues this week, maybe as early as tomorrow. But I don't want to. I just got through a very shitty withdrawal. I need to just say no and get started on the rewiring.

I am 42 and a father of two. I can NOT come clean to my wife again. We been down this road. We'd be done. WTF is wrong with me?

 

[Fresco]

^^^^ I suggest be honest with your wife.

I went down the same road as you, trust me. Honesty is the best policy.
Go sit down with here and have a heart to heart talk

 

[KraziKat]

^^^^ I suggest be honest with your wife.

I went down the same road as you, trust me. Honesty is the best policy.
Go sit down with here and have a heart to heart talk

We did that twice already. And both times I went back. For now, she thinks I only use kratom, and she is right, for now. I'd like to keep it that way. Kratom is not a secret. The amount of booze and pills are. I REALLY DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE. But I sincerely believe that is the road we would go down, based on prior "heart to hearts."

 

[Fresco]

If she loves she will stay, if she doesnt leave she will bolt!!

Here's the good news, you will quickly find out if your lve is real or not.
The bad news. If she bolts, then she never really loved you to begin with

 

[KraziKat]

I've been honest about the drinking and the kratom, and how I'd like to quit opiates and opiate-like substances and dependency. This is all out in the open.

 

[KraziKat]

If she loves she will stay, if she doesnt leave she will bolt!!

Here's the good news, you will quickly find out if your lve is real or not.
The bad news. If she bolts, then she never really loved you to begin with

Ouch! I can handle her bolting, TBH, but I'd have a hard time living with myself if I were not with my kids everyday.

 

[Fresco]

I've been honest about the drinking and the kratom, and how I'd like to quit opiates and opiate-like substances and dependency. This is all out in the open

Okay, so you do kratom regularly (as I do). And you still have cravings for opiates??

Is that what you're saying???

 

[simco]

Hey KraziKat. I can’t recall enough about your story: have you tried seeking outside help before? It can be pretty helpful, especially when you really want to get at the WHY that drives us to look to substances outside ourselves to get ok.

 

[KraziKat]

Okay, so you do kratom regularly (as I do). And you still have cravings for opiates??

Is that what you're saying???

Well, yes and no. Kratom certainly scratches the itch. However, I continue to make the wrong and expensive decision to go on roxy benders. I simply need to say NO to being part of the opiate epidemic. There's always that thought, "this will be the last time," or "It's a really shitty week at work" or, "I'll be at my in-laws."

Ideally, I'd prefer to stick to kratom, and then wean from there. I forgot what my baseline feels like.

 

[KraziKat]

Hey KraziKat. I can’t recall enough about your story: have you tried seeking outside help before? It can be pretty helpful, especially when you really want to get at the WHY that drives us to look to substances outside ourselves to get ok.

My story in a nutshell: Pill-popping junkie for years. Habit got unsustainable. Came clean to wife in March. Was good for a few months, stuck to kratom, tried straightening out my alcoholism. Then slowly bu surely I slipped back, and now here I am again

I was going to therapy weekly for a few months and then stopped. My wife joined me a few times. She really doesn't understand my deal with this

 

[KraziKat]

Tomorrow or the next day I am going to get a text from someone saying they've "re-upped." I really would like to do the right thing.

 

[aihfl]

If she loves she will stay, if she doesnt leave she will bolt!!

This isn't necessarily the case. My ex told me when she filed for divorce, "I love you but I can't watch you drink yourself to death anymore." We're still good enough friends that she came and got me and let me dry out at her house once post-divorce.

 

[KraziKat]

I agree, aihfl, and she will file I truly believe. I love my kids so damn much. That alone should be enough for me get healthy. But WHY, if the choice is SO CLEAR, am I this person?

 

[aihfl]

There's no logical answer to your question. If consequences were enough to make addicts stop, I would have stopped drinking and abusing prescription drugs long ago. Is inpatient treatment somewhere an option? I was having this conversation with 10YearsGone in another thread, what makes the idea of inpatient so appealing for me is not so much "getting treatment," but just getting away from the daily stressors of life.

 

[Fresco]

Ouch! I can handle her bolting, TBH, but I'd have a hard time living with myself if I were not with my kids everyday

I appreciate your honesty.

I've been down the exact same road you have been (by the way)

 

[KraziKat]

I appreciate your honesty.

I've been down the exact same road you have been (by the way)

Are you still married and with your kids? Have made the switch permanently from "true" opiates to kratom?

 

[KraziKat]

There's no logical answer to your question. If consequences were enough to make addicts stop, I would have stopped drinking and abusing prescription drugs long ago. Is inpatient treatment somewhere an option? I was having this conversation with 10YearsGone in another thread, what makes the idea of inpatient so appealing for me is not so much "getting treatment," but just getting away from the daily stressors of life.

I like the idea of inpatient, but it is not an option. I'd lose my job, and perhaps my family. Would love to get away from all of it. I'd consider Ibogaine. But you are correct. There is no answer. I just have to "do the right thing" and I'm the asshole because I find it so hard to do.

 

[aihfl]

I like the idea of inpatient, but it is not an option.

Is an Intensive Outpatient Program an option? Or even just regular therapy and psychiatrist appointments? And are you involved in 12 step? I pooh poohed it for many years but I finally found the atheist/agnostic AA meeting in my area and met the guy who would become my sponsor there. We do a lot of stuff together, even non-recovery stuff. He's turned out to be a really great friend, not someone who tries to lord themselves over me like past sponsors have.

 

[Fresco]

Are you still married and with your kids? Have made the switch permanently from "true" opiates to kratom?

I'm divorced (happiest I ever been). But ever since I've found kratom my life has been turned upside down
(for the better).

But I want EVERYONE to be happy though.
It breaks my heart whenever I see miserable opiate addicts, because I used to be one too

 

[KraziKat]

I'm divorced (happiest I ever been). But ever since I've found kratom my life has been turned upside down
(for the better).

But I want EVERYONE to be happy though.
It breaks my heart whenever I see miserable opiate addicts, because I used to be one too

Thank you for your caring. Question for you – do you consider kratom as an opiate maintenance drug, like people do with methadone and subs? Sometimes I get caught up in it all -- thinking that even though kratom is so much safer and more benign, it's still something I am addicted to.