I'm having a really bad day :(

[RobotRipping]

I don't think i've cried in 4 or 5 months but today i can't stop. I got into a fight through email with my former boss and he kept treating me like i was stupid and unintelligent. I pointed this out only to have him argue that i couldn't properly perceive him through email while he continued to talk down to me. It just really upset me that i had no recourse to just completely destroy him other than logic and reason which were lost on him due to his arrogance. I feel so helpless.

To top it off he's about my age and i quit the job a few weeks ago because it was an awful job but he is a regional director and i feel like such a loser in life. He probably has everything going for him while I am a complete fucking poor loser drug addict and besides that i've never felt good enough. I guess i've just been covering my pain up lately and it burst open today.

I completed therapy a few months ago and i've done everything to keep myself together but i still feel like i'm falling apart. I hate my terrible call centre job, i can barely get through 3 hours of it. I wish i could kill myself but it'd hurt too many people. I wish i were all alone in the world so i could kill myself.

i guess i just need some support, how do i deal with assholes who think they are better than me, probably only because they are rich and had everything easy while i didn't? How do i learn to stand my shitty little job where i feel like an old loser? Are there people who feel the exact same way as me but force themselves through work? How can i become more stable emotionally? How can i begin to feel like i have power and that i'm not a weak and helpless individual? I suppose i have no real confidence just fake confidence which gets me through.

I've tried medications, benzos make me depressed, srri's make me anxious and manic and i am stuck on poppy seed tea everyday as its the only thing that actually works for me. I've also tried therapy and can't afford to go back until i get a medical plan. I'm going to school in january for something i love so i just have to hold out but i still feel like an old weird loser. I wish i could just be successful at music and just shove it in every asshole's face, that's my fantasy. I didn't even do anything wrong in my life other than get high but i feel like i'm always being punished for who i am.

thanks for any support, i love the dark side and always hang out here.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Hey brother.

I've been in that situation where my superior treats me like shit, acting like he has the right to view me as less. The first thing is that you're aren't lesser in any way. I think you know this, or you wouldn't be upset. You actually do have the upper hand because you're fully aware of the injustice that's going on and from what I've heard haven't committed any wrongs.

So you can't show him the way through logic; fine. It's his house, right? He's probably upset that someone he can order around is more intelligent than him in this case. There's no use trying to match his power. The best way to handle this would be to use what you have to your advantage. Harness your energy, discipline, and feel a non-stressful way to not be his lackey but to go with the flow. If you've tried everything and nothing works out then you could try to find another job, but have you really tried everything? My intention isn't to be rude, but to broaden your awareness and set you on a non-stressful path. Oftentimes much energy can be expended on things that aren't very realistic.

I'd like to see you not force your way through anything if you can help it.

Assholes come in many shapes, sizes, and colors. There's no one way to deal with them unfortunately. Know though that they feed off of the distress of others. Cutting off their supply is probably a good goal.

I encourage you to see a psychiatrist about your dependence on poppy tea; they can give you a medication which would more safely target your symptoms and make you more emotionally stable. Many exist.

Don't reach for something that's not there.

You have complete power over yourself.

Peace

 

[RobotRipping]

thanks for the reply, i've already found another job but this new job i have is rather awful as well but at least the management aren't total assholes. I guess you're right about not giving them the power to put me in distress.

What kinds of meds did you have in mind? I can't think of any med that has less side effects and is as effective as poppy tea at treating my anxiety/depression/ptsd and dp/dr issues.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

You may be right that no substance exists which can as effectively target your symptoms. However, if you continue along this path, you will eventually reach a point where you can either no longer afford your substance as the dose must be increased to maintain effectiveness (unless you keep at a very precise dosage, which is nigh impossible with poppy material) and/or you will switch to a more powerful substance, most likely heroin, which has all kind of impurities; regardless, the urge to up one's dosage on their own volition is particularly strong with opiates; you may actually be experiencing the high and interpreting it as antidepressant/anxiolytic. This will not last.

Importantly, law enforcement treats opiate/opioid abuse extremely seriously, so if you're even caught once then expect a permanent record as well as a fine and possibly months of jail time. It's extremely risky, not to mention the physical danger that will come from eventually having to procure schedule one and two substances from drug dealers.

Please take control of your life.

I am not a doctor so can't say what medication would be best for you, and any advice I have given on this manner is strictly from my own experience, not medical guidance at all; I have no idea what you would be diagnosed with, but SSRIs made me manic too; they tend to do that in people with bipolar disorder.

I am an advocate for at least short-term use of atypical anti-psychotics, as they destroy the urge to get high, make one feel content in their own skin (the antidepressant effect is pleasing to me), temper negativity while augmenting the positive things in one's life, and generally allow people to see clearly; many say they make them feel icky, which I can understand, but they are remarkably useful substances and there are many of them. This class of medication stops delusions and HPPD well for me.

Mood stabilizers are another option for people with bipolar, though they aren't nearly as effective from my experience as atypical anti-psychotics are. This class makes me bland on the outside and somewhat calm on the inside, but doesn't really assault the problem.

I've been told that psychiatric medicines work best in sets of two (or sometimes more). I get the impression that an atypical anti-psychotic is a great "stability medication" in people with bipolar or even PTSD or atypical depression, many illnesses with psychotic and/or "lonely" aspects.

The first thing to do is talk to a psychiatrist. Do you have health insurance/can you afford to?

 

[herbavore]

No matter what it is in life that is causing you resentment it always comes down to the same two choices: change the situation or change yourself. The option does exist in every single circumstance I can think of. (I just saw the French movie Intouchables last night so I am inspired!)

Sometimes, you are fighting a battle that you can never win--like a prick of a boss or a way to earn a paycheck that sucks the strength out of you. It is probably easier in that case to change the circumstances rather than your own perspective. But that doesn't mean that your own perspective is off the hook. It is no accident that many in spiritual traditions followers take the most menial jobs possible in order to make that part of their daily practice. I find that working any job is a struggle for me. I resent schedules and am always feeling anxious about performance. Once I realized that those were a given for me no matter what the job, I was able to put my work in a better light and concentrate on my own insecurities and expectations which has been beneficial. I haven't changed as much as I would like but I'm working on it.

I'm glad that you are able to go back to school for something that you love. Being paid to be an artist of any kind is a rarity and one that all of us who would happily spend our lives creating have to make peace with. I have made it a mission to earn my income from my talents and that has meant earning at or below the poverty level for life. I am married and we have two incomes so I don't live in poverty but we do live a paycheck away from there. Life is choices and choices are rarely easy. The trick to not feeling resentful is to own the choices you make rather than seeing yourself victimized by circumstances. Our cultures define successful people by how much they earn and how much they have to show for it. It is up to every individual to fight internalizing that bullshit. we're all in this together!

 

[RobotRipping]

thanks for the advice herbavore and Ho-Chi-Minh.

@ho-chi: i'm definitely aware of the issues surrounding self-medication with opiates. I'm not entirely convinced i need serious medication for my psychological problems, sometimes it feels so serious and debilitating and other times i'm functional. A lot of my issues are just psychological in nature.

I don't have insurance atm as i work parttime but i may be able to see a psychiatrist in the future. My problem with psychiatrists in the past is that i can get any diagnosis i want pretty much. I can get benzos and amphetamines thrown at me without even asking but they never really address the underlying issues. Therapy was a big help for me and i'll probably continue with that once i am back in school and have a medical plan.

@herbavore: i have changed myself and my surroundings in the past 6 months and have improved greatly from where i was, i remember you replying to my post when i was having a 2 day nonstop panic attack which prompted me to seek therapy. Sometimes i still just feel shitty though even though i've improved my life greatly. I have no financial stress, i'm going back to school, my family relations have improved greatly, as well as my personal relationships. The one thing missing is that i don't have any friends whatsoever, just my girlfriend and my family. I don't know if it's that big of a problem but sometimes i feel like an outcast.

Our cultures define successful people by how much they earn and how much they have to show for it. It is up to every individual to fight internalizing that bullshit.

indeed this is my issue. Even when i do have money, i still feel like it's not enough, there's always someone who has more and is going to shove it in your face that they are better than you. I know better than this but it's just so ingrained in my thinking, it's the root of the problem i was having today. I guess i feel better now, i guess i feel a bit stupid for overreacting to the whole situation, it just hit a nerve or something and reminded me there's still a lot of work to do.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Ok. But then if it wasn't so bad would you be self-medicating with opiates? This is the problem I see.

Are you saying you can manipulate someone into giving you a diagnosis which would necessitate benzodiazepines/amphetamines? I am not advocating using these medicines unless absolutely necessary.

Opiates don't cover up your problems?

I would think seriously about this.

Therapy is great; sometimes people need more though.

 

[Cornishman]

RoboTripping, I understand what you're going through and am v much in the same boat as you (minus the job & girlfriend).

The only way to combat your situation is to apply yourself to something you're passionate about.

I believe you're self medicating cause you're not reaching your full potential & it's making you stressed.

Is there any way way you could study something you actually enjoy and pursue a legit career?
Otherwise you'll be stuck in a job that isn't you, and you'll be forever self medicating - trying to ease the pain of being someone else and/or being the bitch of someone who's beneath you in the intellect stakes.

 

[RobotRipping]

Ok. But then if it wasn't so bad would you be self-medicating with opiates? This is the problem I see.

Are you saying you can manipulate someone into giving you a diagnosis which would necessitate benzodiazepines/amphetamines? I am not advocating using these medicines unless absolutely necessary.

Opiates don't cover up your problems?

I would think seriously about this.

Therapy is great; sometimes people need more though.

Well i am self medicating and i also like to get high. It is a problem, i don't know what to do about it. I think of it like being on methadone or suboxone. Before i was on opiates i was a recluse, couldn't use the phone, work, talk to family, was grumpy and irritated all the time, had all sorts of weird psychological problems. Now it's completely turned around. I'm not sure if i'm fine without meds or not because it's been over 2 years since i've actually been sober and not in withdrawal or PAWs and before that i was a psychedelic binge user and dedicated stoner which probably didn't help things. So i'm not sure where i stand.

But this is only a temporary fix, i know i can't do this forever (or else i would) so when the negatives outweigh the positives i'll be grabbing myself some loperamide and valium and detoxing myself but it just hasn't hit that point yet.

It's not that i can manipulate the drs but that they are so quick to slap labels all over me. I'm either depressed/bipolar/add or panic/anxiety disorder depending on the dr and how they view mental illness. They are quick to throw medications at me and not figure out what's really causing me problems.

Opiates don't fix the problems that's for sure but they do allow me to fix them myself. I'm not spiraling out of control or anything i make enough money to pay bills and support my poppy seeds with plenty left over. And in total it's been about 7-8 months since i started (5 months straight). My goal is to improve my life enough that when i quit it'll be easier for me to stay clean and happy. These things are always in the back of my mind too, i don't think it's great that i'm doing what i'm doing but i'm not hurting anybody and it's getting me through for now.

@cornishman: yes i am going to study electronic engineering in January which is my passion. I do think you're right about not realizing my full potential, i feel like i am wasting everything working the job i am, i know i could be doing something more important but it's impossible to make headway in the job market without any connections.

I also have many hobbies and things to direct my energy towards, still i lose sight and feel like i'll just never be the best or good enough. I think it may have to do with always feeling like i was special or was bound for greatness when i was kid. When i grew up and realized i'm just like everyone else it was a rude awakening, wish people would have just been honest with me in the first place. Thanks for the help.

 

[herbavore]

My problem with psychiatrists in the past is that i can get any diagnosis i want pretty much. I can get benzos and amphetamines thrown at me without even asking but they never really address the underlying issues. Therapy was a big help for me and i'll probably continue with that once i am back in school and have a medical plan.

This is the problem with psychiatry! I saw it with my son, I've had that experience myself and I've watched many, many of my friends and their (very young) children get sucked into that insanity. Just one more instance of a culture self-destructing IMO. And before anybody takes offense and thinks that I am across the board anti-drug as far as SSRIs, ADHD treatments etc, I'm not. I just think they should be last resort measures and they have become the first thing they throw at people for depression, anxiety, as well as a naturally restless and volatile mind. Until those symptoms are grievously harming your life and until you have exhausted every other means of coping and adapting, I don't think drugs should be prescribed. I have ADD. I have also dealt with debilitating anxiety and I have found that tailoring my life to my ADD brain (ie work and hobbies that can accommodate a constant lack of focus) have been way more successful for me than the drugs I have tried. And (here I go sounding like a broken record again--bear with me?) Mindfulness techniques, when integrated into your life and thinking, are life changing.

P.S. I don't think it is ever over-reacting to have these kinds of feelings and to look for healthy ways to express and vent them; it's when you stay stuck in them that the problem arises.

 

[webbykevin]

so there were these 2 monks walking along by a river, they came to a ford where they found a young woman trying to cross but the river was too strong for her and she was stuck on the bank, so one of the monks picked her up and carried her across the river.

The monks carry on their journey and a couple of days go by, then the other monk says to his friend "I don't think it was a good idea for you to have carried that girl across the river the other day, you broke all of our vows about contact with women", the other monk laughed and said "but I put her down when we got to the other side, you are still carrying her ".

 

[DooMMooD]

Just gonna tell you man, straight up:

You think the opiates are helping but in reality they are sending your emotions all over the place. Literally all over the place. Crying over a fight with a former boss that you quit his job so you wouldn't have to deal with that shit anymore? Doesn't strike you as odd?

Or not crying in 4 months for anything? People cry man. You should cry on occassion. To go 4 months then suddenly flip over something like this tells me that the drugs are fucking with you in more ways than you can realize.

Easier for people outside the scenario to tell you whats wrong. Trust me on that one: the drugs are sending your feelings all over the damn place. Took me to stop doing opiates before I realized that. But it could not be more true. they really fuck with you, bad.

Hence why doctors cannot diagnose someone with anything if youre still on drugs: they mask the real you, and they fuck with your mental, emotional, psychological and physical stability and well being. Stop justifying your use. You have no idea what the real you is like anymore, because you've been getting fucked up for however long.

You want to know one reason you do drugs? Because of those feelings of inadequacy you spoke about. If you feel adequate and comfortable enough in your own skin, you no longer have any justification for using. You yourself said you always feel like "you wont be good enough" in your hobbies, etc. That feeling is the one you really need to tackle. And guess what? Drugs do not make you better in any way shape or form, they do not "make you good enough"; drugs just make you content with the fact that you feel inadequate. "Its ok I suck, because i'm high"

Start being honest with the psychs/therpaists and yourself and maybe you'll get a bit further too. That stuffs bullshit because you are MAKING it bullshit. Why even bother with a therapist/psych if youre not going to be honest? Thats the entire fucking point being honest so that they can honestly treat the REAL PROBLEMS! Dont dump on therapy and psychiatry if you dont give it an honest try and instead go in there and scam them every time. Comeon man thats not fair and you know it.

Being honest is the most crucial aspect of bettering yourself. Because only when you are honest with who and what you are, can you be honest about what you want, and thereby actually accomplish those things. If you lie about all that stuff....you'll never realize your true self, or what you really want out of life.

Also next time? Just drop the argument. Just drop it. Arguing with someone like that literally gets you no where except upset, flustered, angry and wishing that you had just dropped it to begin with. Many people are illogical, irrational, and plain old stupid. And using logic, reason and sense just straight up does not work on them. It sucks, but its true. Lots of these people exist. You cannot argue rationally with an irrational person. Sometimes you just gotta let the wookie win if you feel me.

Good luck man.

 

[RobotRipping]

^i was never dishonest with psychs or therapists but i get your point.

yeah my breakdown was unusual and a sign something is fucked up. Therapy did actually help me quite a bit and got rid of my general anxiety and things have improved. i still have some deep emotional issues that need to be worked through and i do plan to get help for it.

The feelings of inadequacy are definitely a reason why i feel i need to be high as much as possible. I know the root causes but i don't really know how to deal with it or get rid of the feelings, i've been working at it for quite a while now and even before drugs i had an insanely difficult time coping with life and these feelings. I have a lot of trouble letting things go and i know i should but i just don't know how to actually do it. Most of my therapy was centered around this but still they persist and i have constant nightmares about it. I guess i'm just lost but i'm hoping that once my life is a bit more stable that my emotions will be as well.

How did you end up quitting? I find it so fucking scary, the idea of another massive withdrawal, getting through the PAWS and having to deal with everything all over gain, especially when i need to be relatively stable for the next year. I just don't know how i can do it, i was such a mess before i even tried any drug. I have about a billion reasons why i don't want to quit and i know that's just my subconscious wanting me to avoid anything uncomfortable whether it helps me or not but it's overwhelming and seemingly impossible to get over. I've done it before and i'm sure i can do it again but it just seems like if it's not opiates then it's going to be something else. Thanks for the help, i appreciate your honesty.

@webbykevin: i assume your story is about learning to let go? i've read lots of similar things and i find these stories or whatever you want to call them to be very helpful, so if you have any more, i'd greatly enjoy reading them. I like to visualize things like this, i have a few of my own i may post as well.

 

[DooMMooD]

Sent you a PM instead. Feel it will be better suited for helping you versus a public thread with lots of peoples ideas flying around.

 

[herbavore]

I would really recommend reading two books, both by Pema Chodron. The first is called The Places that Scare You and the other is When Things Fall apart. They are wonderful supportive texts about learning to put things in perspective, learning to let go and learning how to comfortably live with discomforting states of mind.

I think that it is very exciting that you are having these feelings come up, as scary as they may be, because you are facing them and that is bound to move you forward. I look at feelings of inadequacy in stages. Where did the feelings originate? What holds them in place? How can I reject them? You have to start with the first question but you can't stop there or you stay a victim. Looking at the second question is useful because it is important to figure out what is coming from the outside and what you are doing to yourself from internalizing that view. But the third question is the hardest and most crucial because it puts the ball back in your court. When you turn away or just stand staring at the ball frozen in fear it entrenches all the bad feelings of inadequacy but when you pick up the ball, no matter what you do with it, it creates momentum. So, keep going! You are on the right track.

 

[RobotRipping]

yeah that is really good advice herb. How can i reject them is a great question. I know that i am not inadequate but i always want to be the best. It's kind of like how Karl Marx said competition alienates people and there can only be one winner, so unless you're that lucky one person, you end up feeling like garbage. I see life in that light and i know i shouldn't.