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I'm gonna glue myself to this forum until I've kicked heroin

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xburtonchic

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Joined
May 17, 2011
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... and while I taper off Suboxone. As of now, I'm just being sick and waiting to take the first dose. I'm tapering by 2 mg each day, starting with 8. I have one Xanax left, and enough Clonodine and weed to get me through the worst of it. I'm too sick to write a long back story right now, but I'm sure I will later. Right now I just want to surround myself with a sober, positive network and avoid triggering situations as much as possible... I can take a Suboxone in about 10 hours, so this time is pretty crucial. Cuz as many of us know, 10 hours tends to feel like 10 days when you're kicking!!

But it's only 10 hours, I can do it. The way I see it, I look at getting sober as such a good thing that, honestly, what's 10 HOURS of my life compared to the REST OF MY LIFE?! .... Exactly there is no comparison lol

The only problem is, I have a sort-of boyfriend, and he's only going to jeopardize my sobriety every step of the way. I need to somehow deal with that today... any suggestions or advice on how to go about it? I'm changing my number today and everything, but I don't have the heart to just cut him off like the rest... I do care about him, but we just can't have a relationship while I'm trying to get sober and he's not. Um yeah I don't even know... any help with that??

Words of advice and encouragement - about anything having to do with this whole process - would be really, really cool and appreciated :)
 
Excellent attitude! Stay positive and you will get through it. As far as the boyfriend goes, it's obvious you know what must be done, you just don't want to. I hope everything goes okay for you. Don't use no matter what
 
xburtonchic said:
... and while I taper off Suboxone. As of now, I'm just being sick and waiting to take the first dose. I'm tapering by 2 mg each day, starting with 8. I have one Xanax left, and enough Clonodine and weed to get me through the worst of it. I'm too sick to write a long back story right now, but I'm sure I will later. Right now I just want to surround myself with a sober, positive network and avoid triggering situations as much as possible... I can take a Suboxone in about 10 hours, so this time is pretty crucial. Cuz as many of us know, 10 hours tends to feel like 10 days when you're kicking!!

But it's only 10 hours, I can do it. The way I see it, I look at getting sober as such a good thing that, honestly, what's 10 HOURS of my life compared to the REST OF MY LIFE?! .... Exactly there is no comparison lol

The only problem is, I have a sort-of boyfriend, and he's only going to jeopardize my sobriety every step of the way. I need to somehow deal with that today... any suggestions or advice on how to go about it? I'm changing my number today and everything, but I don't have the heart to just cut him off like the rest... I do care about him, but we just can't have a relationship while I'm trying to get sober and he's not. Um yeah I don't even know... any help with that??

Words of advice and encouragement - about anything having to do with this whole process - would be really, really cool and appreciated :)
Click to expand...

I hate to sound harsh, but if you really think your boyfriend will jeopardize your chance of sobriety then you can't be around him, but I think you already know that, as you seem acutely aware of your situation. If he really cared about you he'd support you through this, I'm not saying you have to force him to get clean too, but he could still stay away from you until you're sober and then not do drugs in front of you and send you messages of encouragement whilst you're going through the most difficult stage, which for me is the first month of sobriety. Once you have a clear head you should be able to see your friends and relationships for what they truly are and you may find you had nothing in common with them apart from using, hopefully not, but it is very common in long-term addicts like myself. I'm 11 days clean now after using drugs for over 15 years and I feel liberated to be honest, like you said what's 10 hours compared to the rest of your life! Just hang in there, unfortunately it will get worse before it gets better, as you come completely off the Suboxone, but if you put the same effort into getting clean as you have scoring drugs then it should be easy by comparison and when you get some clean days under your belt you should feel a completely new person and ready for a completely new life. I wish you all the luck in the world!
 
I relapsed after I made this, didn't even make it 2 days lol. But I'm trying again and I'm on day 4 now, so let's hope it goes better this time.

And yes, I kicked my ex to the curb a week and a half ago. He CLAIMED he was supportive/was going to get clean with me, but would magically produce heroin for me anytime I complained about feeling sick. And then my determination would go out the window. I finally realized that he has no intention of getting clean with me, obviously, or he wouldn't keep shoving heroin in my face. Blah whatever. I don't even remember what I saw in him now that I've enjoyed a few days of time away from the street heroin addict lifestyle. I really don't miss ANYTHING about it right now.

Today, I can actually be proud of myself for a few things. Like making it almost 5 days. And getting out of toxic relationships for the sake of sobriety. And stopping myself from stealing money out of a wallet someone left at my house, something I'm especially proud of myself for because I was in the middle of a pretty strong craving at the time and it's something I DEFINITELY would have done in the past, but this time I put the respect and love I have for that person first and didn't take it. Although I did open it and look at the money lol. But even though they never would have noticed a few 20's missing out of there, I certainly would have felt a lot of shame and guilt over it. I don't know what happened, but those feelings have become enough of a deterrent for me, enough to the point where I KNOW that I will never make it another person's responsibility to get me high, ever again, even if I do relapse... it will be on my own dollar. That includes doing stupid shit like the Home Depot/Walmart hustle, fuck all that... getting high is not worth eventually getting a warrant.

I'm not sure where I was trying to go with this post. :/
 
At one point I went through a similar situation with an ex boyfriend. Our relationship was so toxic, the using together and stealing, and enabling each other was so destructive. It's almost like your partner in crime and that's why it's difficult to let go because you become so dependent on that person. Using heroin for almost 2 years was the darkest times of my life. Use this positive attitude, focus on yourself, and set short term goals to work towards. Nothing is better than finding out who you are, if you define yourself as an addict your entire life.
 
Haha yeah. That's EXACTLY how it was with us. I also used heroin for 2 years. I guess we have a lot in common haha :)

I'm trying to hold on but the cravings are starting to come in waves... and so is the insomnia and crushing boredom. I just want SOME KIND OF HIGH other than weed. In the past, when I've reached this point, I've used DXM to try and get through it. But DXM is also an extreme opiate potentiator, and having that knowledge in mind I always relapse at some point during some trip. I really do hate this part of the process... I don't like seeing myself here again, either.

I guess... as long as I can stay away from DXM as a way to cure this HORRIBLE FUCKING BOREDOM, I might have a fighting chance. Blah. Here we go...
 
8 days no heroin and 3 days off Sub :)

!!!!

I can't believe I've made it this far while doing this on my own haha but today I feel awesome mentally... there's definitely a sense of pride/satisfaction and maybe even a lil bit of hope for the first time <3

I do have a question though. Physically, I feel pretty blah. I know it's withdrawals from the Suboxone. It's nothing compared to acute heroin withdrawal - not nearly - but it's definitely VERY uncomfortable. Mostly zero energy and restless legs and this sort of... physical anxiety. Like an anxiety attack without the mental freakout, if that makes sense. Does anyone have an idea of when this will start to get better? Or is it just going to get worse? I was only on Subs for 4 days, is that long enough to get bad Sub withdrawals... or did I prolong the withdrawals by doing this?

(Sorry for the double post, it seemed weird to merge it with a post that's 3 days old... mods can move it if you want)
 
Re-evaluate your needs in two weeks. Sub withdrawals can take a long time. And just know, you aren't doing yourself any favors by using marijuana or DXM during this period - even if they don't lead you to relapse on your D.O.C. Stay strong and keep updating.
 
Yahoo! I have no answer for you but wanted to acknowledge your accomplishment. Hang in there! Your determination is an inspiration. <3
 
@jesse - I'm not using DXM lol. DXM has always lead to heroin-seeking behavior for me so that's what I'm actually avoiding this time around. I'm curious why you think I'm not doing myself any favors by smoking weed? Because if I'm being honest, weed (after the Clonodine) is the main thing that's helping a lot of the physical symptoms and also letting me sleep, and it's the ONLY thing that helps some of the mental instability. I'm not going to say I know for sure that I'd have relapsed by now without it, but I have a feeling that's probably the case. :/ I honestly don't see anything wrong with it..

@TooOldForFhis - aww thank you <3
 
Hey there...congrats..you have done something that many of us, up til this time, have been unable to accomplish. You should be proud of yourself!

When you feel like it physically, find a new hobby to occupy those horribly boring times that especially come with PAWS. Once I went online and found some crafts and taught myself. I also learned a lot about gardening/taking care of different houseplanta. My grandmother, mom and great grandmother had always made these beautiful awesome quilts that they had everywhere and gave to everyone as gifts. I taught myself that and it took very little equipment/money to start easpecially if you do it by hand. It gave me this awesome sense of accomplishment to make something beautiful myself that actually had a use (everyone can use a homemade blanket). It was little tedious at times but it sure made the time pass by once I got into it.

I know, it probably sounds a little corny and that might not hold other peoples interest but there are tons of things like that that you could take up, especially with all the info on the internet these days. PM if you ever want to know more.

Good luck and congrats again!
 
Weed may be helping you in the short term for the physical symptoms, that I won't disagree with.

But if you are still using weed in a week from now, I would be concerned. You destroy the progress you make towards PAWS by using a mind altering substance. It's horrible to hear that, I know, but weed is a drug. Weed is not a miracle drug, it's not a medicine. I didn't begin to feel better psychologically until I abstained from all mind altering substances. If you are anything like me, while you have a drug of choice, it's way too easy to compensate with another drug and develop a cross addiction. I believe in drugs of choice but I don't believe that your addiction is defined by your drug of choice. I think if you are an addict, you are addicted to mind altering substances, period. I could be wrong though! Just my opinion. Here you are just using weed as a crutch and that can't be good for you long term. Phew! Sorry about that rant :p.

Otherwise, congrats on the 8 days! And even more congrats on the making good life decisions with kicking that boy to the curb. Seems like you are making great progress. Keep it up. The battle is just beginning so stay strong.
 
missmeyet - yeah I know what you mean about taking up hobbies to occupy time. I've been teaching myself how to make dubstep on my Mac for that, and it helps most of the time. Sometimes though, I get into these weird manic episodes where I seriously have WAY too much energy, and then I'm screwed cuz I can't stay focused on anything lol. Plus I end up crashing HARD because the fatigue from the Sub withdrawal comes back right after, except way worse. And then I don't want to do anything other than sleep. PAWS/withdrawals are fucking boring indeed.

Generic - haha don't worry about the rant... I see what you mean. I guess it's just that after having a 2 year addiction to heroin/4+ year addiction to opiates, an addiction to weed is almost laughable. Weed has never caused me to break the law in pursuit of simply getting well, then sent me to jail where I then had to endure CT withdrawal in a hellish environment. And it's never affected my health in a negative way. It didn't isolate me from friends/family, or cause me to lose every single thing I loved about life in general. Heroin did all that... well, opioids/pharms started it kind of, but heroin finished the job. If weed is something that's going to help me stay away from heroin... eh, lesser of two evils and all that. I'm sure I'll re-evaluate smoking weed at some point as well, but if I'm being honest, I don't think it's going to happen until I feel sure I won't go look for heroin the second I'm 100% sober and get upset or something lol

thedawn - thank youu <3

In other news, my mom just informed me that she has Vicodin left over and will give me a couple per month. I was originally put on opiates for pain, first cuz of injuries from the Marines, then a surgery. I got addicted to Norco and Percocet for almost a year, put on Suboxone for 2 and a half... tried to come off the Suboxone, couldn't deal after a few weeks, friend offered me heroin, the rest is history. So I'm kind of torn right now. On one hand, it's tempting right now because I'm thinking that by taking a weak agonist, I can soften the severity of the Suboxone withdrawals and possibly even shorten them. But on the other hand, I don't know where my tolerance is at... I just know that if I dosed my usual amount of H right now, it would be an overdose... and I'm kind of scared to risk it. My opiate tolerance might still be high enough that the Vicodin would only make a dent in the Sub withdrawal, but then again, it could also be lowered to the point where I will feel an opiate high... which would probably not lead to anything good. But then again the Sub withdrawals are getting to a somewhat unbearable point and I don't trust myself enough to not fix it with heroin eventually, if left to my own devices. It's another one of those lesser of two evils scenarios again... fuck idk I'm confused. I wish they would just take all opiates off the market, and heroin could go back to being a somewhat rare addiction... as opposed to how rampant it is now... because putting people through this is cruel and unusual punishment. And I know for a fact that in most cases, the addiction can be traced back to a careless doctor who was all too eager to overprescribe some sort of opioid in the very beginning. It pisses me off.

Sorry I'm rambling haha.

EDIT: Oh yeah and I had my first using dream last night. Except it was Xanax, of all things lol wtf... something I've never actually been addicted to. I've taken literally two throughout this entire process, and it was only 2 mg the first two days. I'm not sure what to make of it, other than if it's starting, I'm afraid the heroin ones are coming too... and I remember all too well from jail how scarily realistic THOSE are. :(
 
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xburtonchic said:
8 days no heroin and 3 days off Sub :)

!!!!

I can't believe I've made it this far while doing this on my own haha but today I feel awesome mentally... there's definitely a sense of pride/satisfaction and maybe even a lil bit of hope for the first time <3

I do have a question though. Physically, I feel pretty blah. I know it's withdrawals from the Suboxone. It's nothing compared to acute heroin withdrawal - not nearly - but it's definitely VERY uncomfortable. Mostly zero energy and restless legs and this sort of... physical anxiety. Like an anxiety attack without the mental freakout, if that makes sense. Does anyone have an idea of when this will start to get better? Or is it just going to get worse? I was only on Subs for 4 days, is that long enough to get bad Sub withdrawals... or did I prolong the withdrawals by doing this?
Click to expand...

Congrats!!!!! :):):) <3<3<3
You have made a huge accomplishment and should be very proud of yourself!! :)

Using marijuana for the withdrawal symptoms is A-O-K in my book, but that's my opinion, I am not a drug counselor.

And try doing some grueling exercise, like boot camp type exercise. Go until you are in physical pain and ready to puke. It will really help in the end stages of withdrawal.

And regarding your Mother offering you Vicodin while you are trying to QUIT opiates sounds cruel. I'm sorry to say this about your Mom, but I think she is enabling you. (I'm kind of on the fence with this one too...if they keep you from copping they could be beneficial, but they could also trigger a binge...)

Much Love and Prayers/Good Vibes sent your way :) <3 :) <3

PM me if you want someone to talk with.....
 
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Thanks for all the good advice, drscience. You're right about the Vicodin. It was a horrible fucking idea, but it's too late now. I ended up caving and taking it. To my mom's credit, she thinks I've been clean for a long time and doesn't know I'm in withdrawal. She even told me, "The only reason I'm giving this to you is because I know you've been doing better", which I have been for the last 9 days but still made me feel horrible of course.

Anyway, the reason the Vicodin was a bad idea was because I took it, and about 45 minutes passed and my withdrawals still felt the same. And I started panicking, because I'm so fucking sick of feeling this way and thought I was going to finally get some relief, and then I remembered I had a sip of methadone that a friend gave me and I never took, and I didn't even hesitate to go dig it out of my room and down it. And immediately regretted it. For obvious reasons, I'm sure. The main one being that I've never taken methadone before, but I've heard that it's as strong as heroin, so that was a stupid move without knowing how it's going to affect me. Especially in combination with the hydro.

I definitely am starting to feel an opiate high. I'm so stupid. I don't even feel better telling myself that it's not heroin... I relapsed, plain and simple, and now all the progress I made means nothing. :'(

Also, how is this going to affect the withdrawal process? Did I just totally screw myself over and reset the withdrawals? Or was I far enough out that it wouldn't make any noticeable difference?
 
If you say you've been clean for nine days, and took a Vicodin and ____mg methadone (please let me know how many mg you took) you may overdose.

I think you should write "I took Methadone" on your arm where nurses or paramedics would put an IV tube in and just sit in a hospital emergency waiting room....that way they would know what to do (Naloxone) in the event that you pass out and OD......

But that's just what I would do with the info I have in the worst case scenario...... :/ Methadone is WAY stronger than Heroin in regards of half life etc...

Could you PM me please?
 
I was clean for 4 days... I took Suboxone the first 5. I probably took around 10 mg of methadone? I'm not sure... how do you measure a methadone dose? The Vicodin was a 5/500.

I think the Suboxone was in my system long/recently enough that it maintained my tolerance so I won't overdose. Healthwise, I'm more worried about how this is going to affect the withdrawal process. It's been about an hr and a half since I took the Vicodin/45 min since I took the done. I still feel like absolute shit, so I really doubt an OD is coming. Knock on wood though :/
 
yeah,just one vicodin wont help.
10 maybe,you know...
hey,we all stumble.
it took me a looong time to kick heroin and OC's and I'm still on high sub.
you have to soldier on...
 
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