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I'm gonna glue myself to this forum until I've kicked heroin

I'm reviving this thread because I'm detoxing again and it helped me a ton the first time around. :)

Not much backstory is needed I guess, already went over all that last time lol. Basically I had almost two months sober, was feeling really good and things were going pretty well... and after all was said and done I just got overconfident... and that combined with hanging out with the wrong person was a deadly combo. And I managed to talk myself into "rewarding myself for good behavior". lolol.

So fast forward a few weeks and that one time smoking it turned into smoking it a few times a week, to everyday, which led to problems, which fed the cycle, which led to a full relapse on the needle. Managed to fuck up ALL the progress I had made within a matter of a week. Did that for about two weeks then finally asked myself what the fuck I was doing and decided to quit again. Unfortunately it had been long enough to cause full blown withdrawals again... eh oh well. It is what it is.

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense btw, not really thinking straight atm obviously.

Anyway I'm on day two. I've taken small slivers of Suboxone yesterday and today to hold off the worst of it, tomorrow will be the first day without it which I'm kind of afraid of. I guess I'll worry about that when I get to it though. One day at a time and all that :)

I feel pretty shitty today so I'm not really able to start doing much for myself yet, like exercising and going out and getting things done and what not. I've just been drinking water and coffee (which is bad for anxiety but good for the lack of energy I have), took some vitamins, and I'm about to take a shower and finish some laundry. I think that's about the best I can manage for today. Hoping tomorrow will be better and I'll be able to actually at least take a walk or something, but I'm not gonna count on it... that might be a lil too much to ask of day three, especially without even Suboxone or even Clonodine or Xanax or ANYTHING. Yeah actually tomorrow is probs going to fucking suck hah. But anyway... back to today!!

I'm pretty determined to get this right this time though, so at least I have that going for me. Doing my best to keep a positive attitude and keep myself distracted through music and Netflix is about all that's keeping me sane right now. Only a couple weeks of this and then I'll start to REALLY feel better though (5 days lolno)... I know this from past experience so at least there is a light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel <3
 
That's not a bad idea, however...

I think you probably need more support than just an internet forum. you really do need to see people face-to-face in order to be successful. Have you ever been to AA/NA ? I highly recommend that and getting a sponsor you can call if you're ever having thoughts of relapsing. I think it'll do you a lot of good.
 
2 years ago I ended up having to free fall off a 8mg day for 1 year suboxone maintenance script. I didn't use any meds except herb it helped a bit but i ended up almost completely going nuts. It was almost beyond description. I told myself I wanted to feel the withdrawals because I never wanted to go back down the opiate/heroin road to hell again. Shit, even that didn't seem to help me much catch a clue. I cycled back to using heroin shortly after losing my wife to a od in August of last year. I really do admire your positive attitude xburtonchic and it has inspired me in a way to not run anymore from what hurts and face it down. I apologize for not having much to add to supporting your progress except that you in turn have made me realize that my poor attitude towards recovery ( I was diagnosed with acute depressive disorder last summer) is totally not the way to go and figure my knack of always being fatalistic about things had something to do with my up and down white knuckle sobriety regarding heroin and my relapses about every several days up to a few weeks for the last two months. I guess there always will be a bright side to the dark side and reading about your ride made something click. I would use small amounts of suboxone to get through withdrawls and kind of cave because I don't have it in me to go through what I went through 2 summers ago with the sub withdrawl. I just hang tough until I can't take it anymore and use. I just get so down, so freaked out and spun and wasn't paying attention to the warnings. You made me realize I want to be the person I used to be. I can remember the old Nathan and will fight against every roadblock and trigger put in my way to get there. Won't be easy but can be done. One day at a time until I am back to my old self even though I need to find a way to deal with the fact I will carry my addiction and the strength not to use with me for the rest of my life. Bob Marley said you never know how much strength you have until strength is all you have left. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. :) again, your positive attitude has opened a door in my mind that I feel can carry me down a diffrent path for recovery. Sorry for the yada yada but you are a inspiration. :)
 
SwampFox - I know I need more than just an internet forum lol... so I am going to meetings sometimes (I don't really agree with a lot of what NA/AA stands for tbh, but I have to for court) and I'm going to start seeing a counselor also :)

thanks NSA, much love to you as always, and thanks for the text the other day with all your usual positive encouragement. you are awesome <3

and to sal_barley... wow. I'm so happy to hear that I was able to inspire you, that makes me feel really good!! I wish you the best of luck on your journey to sobriety and I know you can do it! Whenever you start seeing things in a negative way, just put your best effort into turning those thoughts around and making them something positive, because there truly is a bright side to absolutely EVERY situation no matter how desolate it seems. And getting clean is one of the most important things you will ever do for yourself... plus as an added bonus, it FEELS amazing!! I promise it does. There's a reason people do this, if there really wasn't something better on the other side nobody would! I know it because I've experienced it myself and it's beautiful... I'm looking forward to getting back to that point again soon as well. Please feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat or anything, and welcome to Bluelight... this is a great site and everyone here is very supportive. It's a great place to be while in recovery, that's for sure! Best of luck to you once again, let us know how you're doing :) sending you lots of love and good vibes for your journey... <3 <3 <3
 
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