Well... some weeks ago I was no one absolutely. I had no job, no money, almost no food, no drugs, etc.
I had a low steep curve of mental change to do things thanks to Memantine and Modafinil (NMDA antagonist and nootropics), it worked. I got a job. thing were really hard (getting a job as DBA programmer on December 14 it's not a game), but I endured it. Then, suddenly, without warning, I have my first 2-CE trip, two days later, my first 2-CI trip, and two days ago a 2-CE-DXM-Codeine trip. Well, to resume, just the first trip made me go back to my old self, the second trip made me even smarter (that's the only way I can describe it), and the last trip made me realise of the errors I made in the past and the importance of resources divided by time. It was all going too perfect, I was getting congratulated at my new 7 days old job by my skills. I knew I 'finally learned it'. Economics, political angles, having an iron will to achieve things, being open minded all the time without critizing what I already know it's wrong. But tonight, 23-24 December I have a dream. Just a dream. I dont't remember how much time passed since my last dream, nor what was about. The point is... I was getting a girlfriend in my dream.
Why felt so real, I don't know if for the drugs (phenethylamines still dancing in my brain, NMDA antagonists, lack of benzos), but I could feel the mouth to mouth kiss, the feeling of happiness and anxious about my other partner being happy too, the beatiful body and mind of women.. only the smell lacked in my dream fuck. It wasn't a sexual dream, no, but it was me having a girlfriend who moved near my apartment and me just having a stunning beatiful innocent yet very wet kiss with her. Goddamn, I didn't know kiss could be that real.
Now what I do from here? I don't feel like doing ANYTHING except looking for a partner. All my ideas, theories and basis about everything can be right, but it lacks love sickness! will I be miserable forever like House MD because of my insanity to 'find the truth' while being absolutely chaotic? I'm kinda scared.
I had a girlfriend like 7-8 years ago that leave me a scar huge as hell. Things didn't go well, she had to move out of the town because her family having financial problems and we were still so young... I wanted to die that last night. I didn't want to interact with any other women ever again for any reason, 'they're all bitches'. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, thing is, I'm going too fast, my mind is trying to cover all the areas I lack of something, being successful at job, handling people, getting control of my addictions, respecting the others while still believing in my principles... and now it desperately wants me to get a girlfriend. It feels like torture. Why, oh god, why... does exist someone here who can give me a words about this unique situation?
Thanks in advance.
I had a low steep curve of mental change to do things thanks to Memantine and Modafinil (NMDA antagonist and nootropics), it worked. I got a job. thing were really hard (getting a job as DBA programmer on December 14 it's not a game), but I endured it. Then, suddenly, without warning, I have my first 2-CE trip, two days later, my first 2-CI trip, and two days ago a 2-CE-DXM-Codeine trip. Well, to resume, just the first trip made me go back to my old self, the second trip made me even smarter (that's the only way I can describe it), and the last trip made me realise of the errors I made in the past and the importance of resources divided by time. It was all going too perfect, I was getting congratulated at my new 7 days old job by my skills. I knew I 'finally learned it'. Economics, political angles, having an iron will to achieve things, being open minded all the time without critizing what I already know it's wrong. But tonight, 23-24 December I have a dream. Just a dream. I dont't remember how much time passed since my last dream, nor what was about. The point is... I was getting a girlfriend in my dream.
Why felt so real, I don't know if for the drugs (phenethylamines still dancing in my brain, NMDA antagonists, lack of benzos), but I could feel the mouth to mouth kiss, the feeling of happiness and anxious about my other partner being happy too, the beatiful body and mind of women.. only the smell lacked in my dream fuck. It wasn't a sexual dream, no, but it was me having a girlfriend who moved near my apartment and me just having a stunning beatiful innocent yet very wet kiss with her. Goddamn, I didn't know kiss could be that real.
Now what I do from here? I don't feel like doing ANYTHING except looking for a partner. All my ideas, theories and basis about everything can be right, but it lacks love sickness! will I be miserable forever like House MD because of my insanity to 'find the truth' while being absolutely chaotic? I'm kinda scared.
I had a girlfriend like 7-8 years ago that leave me a scar huge as hell. Things didn't go well, she had to move out of the town because her family having financial problems and we were still so young... I wanted to die that last night. I didn't want to interact with any other women ever again for any reason, 'they're all bitches'. Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong, thing is, I'm going too fast, my mind is trying to cover all the areas I lack of something, being successful at job, handling people, getting control of my addictions, respecting the others while still believing in my principles... and now it desperately wants me to get a girlfriend. It feels like torture. Why, oh god, why... does exist someone here who can give me a words about this unique situation?
Thanks in advance.
