Lobsterbutch
Bluelighter
Dude im in the same place you are.
Im 48 years old.
I have severely agravating shoulder pain due to several rotator cuff tears. My back has a herniated l5s1 disk and bulgesin every disk up my spin and neck.
My knees hurt and when i try to jog they almost give out and i am afraid someday i will hit the ground face first.
And i have learned my coworkers are stalking me. This isnt paranoia, to make sure i bought a sports camera and mounted it on my backpack. The videos are quite clear what they are doing. But the police wont do anything unless im attacked. I cant tell work or they will claim my job is not needed and fire me.
So i do the only thing i can....i do what ever the hell i want. Like you, i dont care if i die tomorrow so i enjoy my poppy seed tea and somas everymorning. I use about 1/4-1/3lb of seed a day and 10 somas throughout the day.
No i dont see myself as an addict. My pain is real..both physical and emotional. Fuck doctors. They got me hooked on opana during my first rotator cuff tear then abandoned me when they realized i was eating them like candy...and yes i mean abandon...in todays world i would sue the guy and make a bank roll. He left me high and drt to detox on my own.
My coworkers...i poke at them to a point where im fucking with them. They think i dont know about their gang stalking so i make subtle comments. And say things to try to provoke the stalking knowing that it will be recorded...maybe a payday there...
But fuck dude dont quit life. Run your life like you always dreamed. Do what ever you want. Get high, drink in public(like me) when i see a cop i can down a 24oz in seconds and then claim im collecting cans....oh that beer smell on my breath. Oh that was from earlier. I know not to drink and drive so i walk officer...lololol
Dont quit life. If anything fuck with the world. Have fun....when i go shopping my german english chinese accent comes out. Its funny. People dont know what to say...am i for real????
What im saying dude is dont OD.
Find a reason to live like i did.
I thought of doing the same thing you are thinking. Then i got angry that the world pushed me to that point so now i fuck with the world in a fun and funny way.
And at some point i am going to edit and put the stalking videos either on all the work computers or create a facebook account and accidentally email a link to some funny videos.
People will be quitting from embarrassment...guarenteed.
I like your view on life man. You can make the worst of it or the best of it, but its hard to make "the best of it" especially when it feels like you're getting fucked from all sides. I think everyone can find/has a meaning and a reason to live. It can either be really profane and incredible or strange and small. Right now I'm alive because I'm honestly scared to die. Well, not scared o die, but I have fucked up so many things in my life, and especially in other peoples lives, I figure the only way I could make it worse for myself is if I tried to off myself and woke up 1 year later totally paralyzed.......or brain-dead, or unable to walk.........or anything like that. Especially imagine the loved ones,,,,,,"I've hurt you guys so much as a result of my actions, so to make ammends I've semi-intentionally paralyzed myself and now require either around the clock care from you or for you to pay out the ass to hire someone to do it. I totally love you guys, this wasn't selfish at all"
I'm also entirely too sloppy to construct a fool proof "oceans 11" style plan. If I was I'd totally put those skills to use hanging out with george clooney.
All joking aside (I try to be funny when I feel really fucked up inside and out), I'm working to be a substance use disorder counselor, but i have ALL the substance use problems myself. I'm ashamed of the double life I'm leading, and its exhausting, and if anyone read my other post here in TDS, they'll know just how dumb assed and ashamed i am about what I've done, and I've contemplated pulling out the pin and letting it rip (suicide), but as bad as I've set myself up for a fall of epic scale relative to my own life, I'm trying my hardest to laak at this like a really intense and painful substance use disorder counselor training course. I feel like I'll have a pretty unique and helpful view on drug use and experience, something others cant give. To be clear, its because I've gotten myself dependent on absurd amounts of crazy RC chems and OTC drugs and weird cocktail drugs with idiot names that i bought on the street. Last time I had treatment I met no one in the BSU or rehab who knew what tianeptine, phenibut, etizolam, or any of those grey market china powders were. No idea how to treat them, no idea what they do, and, in the case of Loperamide, no idea it would even DO anything. This is changing now, but I feel like no one understands what I'm doing to myself. And if I do describe what I've done I get confused looks.
To get to the point, I think I can help people who are like me, and if they feel anything like I do then they really need the help.It blows big time right now, but eventually its going to get better, and then it will have been worth it. At least I hope so.
Actually, a big thing, and I cant remember where I heard it first, maybe from a CaptainHeroin post or something, but it was this :Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Taco, people are fucking you big time, and this system is BEST at fucking people, it seems like sometimes (or more often), helping people is a secondary concern. But this will not last forever dude, the world, while shitty on the outside, has a lot of people in it that will be willing to help you, hell there are people who WANT to help you. I know it, a guarantee it, there are people who will help you. Right now its hard, almost impossible it seems, and where you are you may have exhausted all of your options, but there is something somewhere. I know that isnt particularly helpful to you right now, but I'm just trying to communicate that help is something avaliable to anyone if they seek it out, its just something that may take no effort at all or literally every ounce of soul-effort you have to find.
I'm not christian, I dont believe in God, heaven, hell, the devil, etc....but I believe that their Dogma has some pretty alright lessons to sling (if only they were ALL good lessons and not convoluted and messed up power stories). The specific one I want you to know here is: God will help those most who help themselves. I think that is correct, maybe im just paraphrasing it. Also, a non religious saying: "success is 10% hard work and 90% showing up", and a last one, "the luckiest people are the ones who work the hardest".
I think the 2nd one is a Woody Allen quote.........The point is, if you want help, and I mean REAL help, you are going to have to put a shit ton of effort into getting it. The luckiest people aree the ones who work hardest. its just because that if you try 1000 times, you've got a better shot at succeeding than if you only try once. That old highschool motivational poster bull shit that said "you miss 100% of the shots you dont take" was annoying and corny, but it was true and basic fact.
Getting high was my prerogative (still is), and getting high to work is also essential to me now, because I'm non functional in W/D. BUT I cannot keep using the way I am and expect to have anything good come out of it, all its going to do is wither me up and I'll die in a grave where I buried all the shit I wanted to do with my life but killed because I wanted & needed to get high instead. I need fucking help, and its been hard to find it, because I figured doing untested & unknown drugs were better thn doing street drugs, and now no one knows what the fuck to do with me. But Im still trying, because as much as I loath being alive and having to do this stuff every day, I only get ONE.
you only get ONE life. Idk if there is an afterlife or not, and people are gambling on weather there is one or not, i don't know what to think, so I'm focusing on the present time and asking myself "what the fuck do I actually want" and then start trying plan what step one of "operation: un-fuck my life" could be. Im going to use this as a similar yet inappropriate analogy: I was broke and I reeeeeaaalllyyy needed drugs one day (that day is a groundhogs day for all of us isn't it? its not so bad, that means we're all Bill Murray). The only thing I was going to be able to sell was this guitar amplifier I had. I took it to the pawn broker and swapped it for $100, about 1/8th of what it was worth. I didn't use it a lot, I had a different amp, but I got it as a birthday gift from my grandfather before he died, and it was good, i liked it. BUT i NEEDED money for the drooogs, so i took that money and got well via some strange junky mixture I bought off of a recently homeless friend. I got well, then high, then well, then high.......but then the drugs and money ran out. it wasnt that much after all. the drugs gone, AND my amp, the one I got when I was 16 from family I loved. I realized that I fucked up, I regretted doing that so much, and when I got paid I ran back to see if I could some how get it back, but no, it was gone forever.
Not a very wise literary device comparing a human life to a guitar amplifier, but you get the idea, that we will make rash impulse decisions to immediatly improve our situation at the cost of quality of life later on. Suicide is the ultimate form of this.
Things will get better, but its likely going to take a really long time with a shit load of effort to do it, but your life is worth it, despite what others may think. And as T-roy said, Get mad. Fuck all the people who fuck you and work to make yourself better so they can see just how much they've failed in their own lives. I mean really tell them to fuck themselves. They will have been defeated when all you feel towards them is cold indifference, and they feel regret and jealousy. prove everyone wrong and then tell them to get fucked
I hope you're ok tonight Taco
and a quick "disclaimer", I am not comparing my own problems with Tacodudes, by that I mean I'm not saying my problems are bigger or as big as his, nor that his situation is easier or harder than mine. I don't want anyone to get the idea i'm trying to dick-size our suicidal ideations.