• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: streaM Freak

I'm going to do this

Quantz

Quantz

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 15, 2012
Messages
48
Location
long island
I've had such a long painful repetitive time wit heroin , and I'm so tired of it . I started sniffing blues at 17 and worked my way up to shooting dope at 20 and I'm 22 now and I'm so beat up again , more-so emotionally. I haven't been able to put more than 57 days together in the last 5 years , and i just want to fucking cry at how much pain I've put myself and my family through .

I went down to south florida october 2012( from newyork) and came back to live with my mom october 2013. As soon as I got back I was so fucking hyped to stay clean an I put together the longest I've ever had , 57 days . I went to a meeting every day , I got a great sponsor ( who is a friend I use to get high with who just celebrated 2 years recently ) , and felt better than I ever have in my life . Then I went and got my lyrica script refilled of-fucking-course , and before you know it I'm adding old running buddies on face book . The cycle restarted where in january I got high maybe twice a month ,to now , where I've been slamming half a gram every day for the past couple weeks.

I got a decent job managing a small fast-food chain store when I came back to NY, got a car ,put a few grand away and now I want to cry as my little cash stash is deminishing as I take another 100 out of my rubber band wad watching it getting smaller and smaller . I'm going to put everything I have into not using . I deleted my Facebook , I deleted and blocked all numbers of every and anyone that has anything to with using. The problem is I've been saying I'm going to not use tomorrow , every day for the past couple weeks and it's KILLING me because it feels like I can't even believe myself.

I know I can't do it alone. I've been lurking TDS and RS for a long time and I love how supportive everybody is of one another ,and I'm asking for help . I want to post in this daily to let you guys know where I'm at if I need some encouragement , because I can't do this alone , and I can't get high anymore. it's sucking the life out of me.
I work 40 hrs a week 6 days a week and I know I'm going to have a pretty rough withdrawal , and I'm just going to have to man up and play it off like i'm sick, but I know it's going to be so easy to fuck up. Any advice would be so much appreciated
 
Glad you came here, because you're in the right place. Lots of us have been through this exact same thing so you don't have to feel alone. First, you seem like you have a good plan deleting your face book and phone drugs contacts. So whoever you're getting drugs from now also delete them.

So you've been using non-stop hard for a few weeks now or what? Have you considered replacement therapy like methadone or suboxone?
 
Hey Quantz.. you can do this, if my sorry ass can anyone can. Oddly enough the lyrica will most likely prove to be a great help in your withdrawals.

There are at least four areas we nee to plan for and address to overcome addiction.

1) the acutes
2) the PAWS
3) the addiction
4) the roots that caused the addiction

What was it that drove you back to use after the streches you put together.. nice work by the way:D

medications for acute opiate detox

The medications I would explore the use of for detox would be:
>Clonidine< DOSED EVER FOUR HOURS..

one of either
>NEURONTIN< >HERE< >HERE<
OR >Lyrica<
OR >phenibut<

>A BENZO BUT JUST AT NIGHT<
>a nsaid<
>melatonin<
tylenol
Senokot S is a stool softener and laxative. If you do not want the laxative you can go for strait stool softenerDioctyl sodium sulfosuccinate.

(Opi Withdrawal) what is the best comfort meds for opiate w/d?

Your Personal Opiate Withdrawal Arsenal
 
I appreciate you saying that , because alone is totally what I'm feeling man. I pushed away all my my friends in recovery and now cut off all my dope-fien friends ,at least my clean friends in the rooms understand and would be nothing but happy to see me coming back around , I plan on hitting a meeting before work tomorrow.

Yeah for the last month I've been going in pretty hard , up to a bundle a day :x,which is a lot for me . It's just that I have the funds this run to do that .

As for replacement stuff I mean yeah I have , but I know i'd be doing it just as an excuse to keep getting high in some way shape or form , and as for subs I'd end up selling them at one point . I know myself well enough to acknowledge that , the only way for me is complete abstinence ( can you tell I've been around the rooms for a while? haha) I have faith I can do this though , I just don't know how much longer I can keep promising myself to get clean then use again the next day .
I do have a little detox kit for I'm going to use for 2 days , then cold turkey from there . I ave 50g bali kratom ( whether it'll dent my withdrawals or not , who knows. Even if I get some placebo relief out of it ) , a shit load of Lyrica , Immodium , and 2 8mg Suboxone. I'm going to load myself up on feel goods tomorrow and thursday , then cold turkey on friday since I'm off of work (I'll take off saturday if I really need to ) , then hopefuly by sunday it will be tolerable :X .I'm just scared I'll drive to my friends house and knock on the door honestly. Lol i would do shit like that, thats the sick part.The obsession is insane .I rationalize the most ridiculous fucking reasons to use. ugh.

Neversickanymore - I'm glad to see you posted , I see you always have a lot of great things to say and show serious compassion for a lot of people. The last time I relapsed when I put the 2 months together , someone in the rooms who had relapsed was a decent friend of mine , and we were texting and I was giving him some encouragement ( since I was a spiritual guru with 60 days , so I needed to spread my wisdom , clearly -_- ). A few hours later i hit him up to get high . I think the problem was I knew he had access to heroin , and that's what fucked me . I was nowhere near grounded enough to put myself in a high risk situation like that, so I know I CANNOT be associating with anybody who I know can get shit ,and at 60 days I need to worry about myself and leave helping people who relapse the guys with a year or more
 
Last edited:
This is the hardest part of the day , for the last 2-3 weeks I'd leave right now ( 12-12:30) and go cop with my friend , he's probably expecting me to hit him up right now . I'm so close to the verge of calling then riding out , that obsession is there so strong right now , fuck this sucks .It's a scary feeling not being able to trust yourself , I'm white knuckling it now . each minute I see pass I'm getting more anxious that it's getting closer to 3 when I go to work and Ill have missed the time frame to be able to get high. I wouldn't wish addiction on my worst enemy :(
 
Hey bro stay strong. I have one month clean And am having a hard time. I feel so damn alone, messed up my entire life, lost my gf and just getting over benzo withdrawals now. Try not to feed the temptation to get high. Analyze what it is u are seeking when u want to get high. For me its an issue of not knowing any other way to cope with all the shit I have caused. Being a drug addict also gives me something to hide behind that protects me. Try reaching out if u can. If u really want to be clean then just prepare urself. It will hurt, its scary as fuck and ull feel exposed but its the only way out. You know where addiction leads but who knows where being sober will take u?
 
I gave in and got high before work , i feel so weak . I don't know what I'm going to do . the fact I know my connects number by heart is whats killing me . I'm so lost as how to get through this
 
Quantz said:
Neversickanymore - I'm glad to see you posted , I see you always have a lot of great things to say and show serious compassion for a lot of people. The last time I relapsed when I put the 2 months together , someone in the rooms who had relapsed was a decent friend of mine , and we were texting and I was giving him some encouragement ( since I was a spiritual guru with 60 days , so I needed to spread my wisdom , clearly -_- ). A few hours later i hit him up to get high . I think the problem was I knew he had access to heroin , and that's what fucked me . I was nowhere near grounded enough to put myself in a high risk situation like that, so I know I CANNOT be associating with anybody who I know can get shit ,and at 60 days I need to worry about myself and leave helping people who relapse the guys with a year or more
Click to expand...

Hye Quantz thank you very much for the compliment, made me smile=D

Please throw all that guilt and same out the window and proceed as far away as this little blue ball will allow<3. Its not warranted or justifiable and it does absolutely no good and drives use. This shit is hard, it does not come down to weakness at all.. the very part of our brain that drives addiction, has always been more powerful. It comes down to being clever, thats where we trump this bitch in spades.;)

It may be powerful initially, but what its not good at, or even capable of, is original thought and problem solving. What this means is that when we learn how to beat it.. its done and cant come up with a new plan. It cant play checkers let alone chess, so once we see how it works and see through its game and counter it.. its licked and then needs to start being a team player if it has any chance of getting what it wants ever. Its a process and can take some time.

One of the biggest steps an addict takes is the one we take when we go from doing all we can not to do something, to no longer wanting to do it.

The addicted part of the brain manipulates us in two ways. It uses a carrot and a stick. If we can take out the carrot then we take a huge battle in this struggle.

The carrot in drug use is the feeling of pleasure. This is really apparent in the begining, but almost utterly devoid in the end. When we crave we are sent "memories' of amazing results from drug use. These are likely fantasies meant to manipulate us into useing, at the very least they are just a snapshot in time when a drug made us feal amazing.

When we are able to see through this.. able to play the whole film back and thus see through this misinformation and see use of the drug for what it really is then we take the carrot out of the picture. So then when the addiction comes calling and says it will make us feal like an angle flying through heaven... we can easily call it on its utter lies.. focus on how the drug actually makes you feal all day long.. if we do this you will find it makes us feal awful and any pleasure being from taking away the misery it creates.

If we are able to learn how addiction tries to play us, then we won't get played;)<3
 
Last edited:
Firstly thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed response , that is a lot of useful and applicable information right there . You're right , I refuse to beat myself up for struggling , if it was easy to get clean nobody would be suffering because of their addiction , and I should be proud of myself that I'm fighting and refuse to give up.

I love your view on treating the addiction almost like a separate entity that is "physically" more powerful ( have you heard of the analogy of the gorilla waiting outside in the parking lot as addiction ? or that while in a meeting your addiction is outside doing push-ups lol) but we have the tools to outsmart it and keep it in remission , which has me thinking about how to do that . I'd love for you to go into more detail about your own personal methods of doing so .

I just took a huge step myself to go about doing this. I've been back home in NY from florida for a bit over 6 months now and I moved back in with my mom under the pretense i was clean. I came home from work and decided I was going to tell my mom . I told her and she was really upset , but glad I was for the most part honest . Now I'll be getting a random drug test and if I use again ';m getting kicked out of the house or have to go back to another rehab , which is all the incentive i need , at least for the short term. I also came up with the idea where I told my mom to ask my younger sister who is off from school this week, that if i leave the house at anytime before the time I need to leave the house to go to work , and If i did then I obviously went to get high and that I'll be kicked out of the house . So now i literally CANNOT use tomorrow unless I want to be homeless , which will be enough leverage , on-top of how bad I feel for worrying my mom again .

And in regards to you saying " focus on how the drug actually makes you feal all day long.. if we do this you will find it makes us feal awful. "
... It feels like shit . The rush is overrated , the euphoria is gone , it makes me slightly nauseous and overall just like you said , makes me feels awful lol . I can't believe how much fucking money I wasted the last few weeks. ug :!
 
Thats a big step there.. now when it whispers.. you can scream its full of shit.

As far as it doing pushups while traditional means are taken.. this is true.. but useing our cleverness we can make it tatter itself out, rather then us wearing our selves down..

It always says use and then we come up with infinite reasons why not to use, which it just chews up and turns into justifications to use.. flip the argument instead of coming up with reasons why not to use, ask it why use? there is no legitimate answer to this.. let it wear itself out trying to answer this, then we start to do the pushups;) and since it cant reason its days are numbered=D

You got this=D
 
Last edited:
You said you did well in meetings, get back in there. Your friend still in the program? Call him up. You are going to need support. It might be difficult the first meeting or two, but just try to get back into the pattern you held when you were clean.

Get some accountability going. Setup phone calls. Sounds cheesy, but just focus on the moment and do not use today. It will get better. You had 57 days, you can get back there and more in no time as long as you put in the work.

Also, for me, I know a shit load about addiction. Partly from this board (I have been around a long damn time) and partly due to work which requires it. However, all the intelligence in the world doesn't get me clean. In fact, I use it to rationalize. When it comes to keeping me clean I know very little. I have to shut down this type of thinking at times and just admit "I do not know how to not use on my own. I need to do certain things in order to not use. They work and I don't care why".

I also no longer debate wether its a disease or not. Whatever it is, it has a very real potential to fucking kill me. I am lucky to be alive.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top