Im going nowhere in life

[Kipo]

Well you know the source of your issues since you just stated it.
Face your fear n act to dissolve that with 110% of your will power.
Shoot me in the face if it doesnt work out for ya man
Man you DO need to get out more, there are bike races all the damm time.

I think I will :D

Have you ever seen a street bike race? I thought that stuff didnt exist outside the fast and furious movies, lol. This was on the highway, with other cars on the highway. It wasn't set aside or anything.

Edit: I meant I will face my fear, not shoot you in the face, lol.

 

[Asclepius]

Really? I have always considered it a flaw of mine. I think at a more healthy level its fine. But this is keeping me from getting help. I feel like I always need my shell of paranoia and lies to protect me. Even though it hurts me. Sorry if this is choppy. Trying to explain my emotions hard for me

You arent the only person with flaws hun
Sometimes it is just a matter of trying to balance out things to get to a healthy level, rather than seeing yourself as just 'broken'. Self preservation run riot can give way to paranoia. When our esteem and trust in ourselves is lacking we overcompensate by creating that shell; thing is it can restrict us from actually being true to ourselves and what we really need for ourselves; rather than what we think we need-think this is what hurts the most?.
The paradox is that we all need a protection from potential bruises to our ego but one that is less rigid and that wont let us feel so disconnected from everyone/thing else..
Loosening that shell takes time and patience. You are aware that it hurts you so the next step is to trust that part of yourself enough to want to change it.
The alternative is to keep things as they are and this obviously isnt working for you.
There is always an element of risk involved in trusting but when your aim is to help yourself -it is worth it!

On the plus side though, today I got out and spent the day at a strawberry festival. :D Plus I saw a motorcycle street race on the way home. Never thought people actually did that

Awesomeness! :D

 

[Magister]

I know how you feel,

All I do is sit at home these days is smoke and play video games. I'm in school right now for a masters degree that I won't finish for another 2-3 years (very discouraging). I really want to get out of the city/state I'm living in now, I feel extremely stifled in my current situation.

My choices seem simple enough in writing
a) drop school and pickup a full time job
b) keep school and pickup a part time job
c) sell my car and move out of the state thus dropping school in the process

Not sure what to do or how to do it, as of now im depressing myself and sinking back into a video game world mixed of final fantasy and world of warcraft -_-

This thread was a really good read, I joined the forums because of it.

 

[Asclepius]

Welcome to TDS Magister!

Heres the New Members intro Thread if you want to use it.

Glad you can identify on here M.
I was pretty depressed in College too. Its really difficult to stay focused and motivated when you feel this way.:/
Is the masters course really what you want to do?
A part time job could help with getting out of the rut...?

 

[Kipo]

I know how you feel,

All I do is sit at home these days is smoke and play video games. I'm in school right now for a masters degree that I won't finish for another 2-3 years (very discouraging). I really want to get out of the city/state I'm living in now, I feel extremely stifled in my current situation.

My choices seem simple enough in writing
a) drop school and pickup a full time job
b) keep school and pickup a part time job
c) sell my car and move out of the state thus dropping school in the process

Not sure what to do or how to do it, as of now im depressing myself and sinking back into a video game world mixed of final fantasy and world of warcraft -_-

This thread was a really good read, I joined the forums because of it.

This might be a case of the blind leading the blind, but stay in school man. Trust me, it sucks ass. 2 hours of computer schooling and 4 hours in classroom isnt exactly what I had in mind for my birthday. But It will be worth it in the end. I would also get a job if i were you. It will be easier on yourself later as far as student loans, moving, ect goes. Plus you can get some extra money for yourself now. Are you happy with the courses you are taking?

 

[Kipo]

You arent the only person with flaws hun
Sometimes it is just a matter of trying to balance out things to get to a healthy level, rather than seeing yourself as just 'broken'. Self preservation run riot can give way to paranoia. When our esteem and trust in ourselves is lacking we overcompensate by creating that shell; thing is it can restrict us from actually being true to ourselves and what we really need for ourselves; rather than what we think we need-think this is what hurts the most?.
The paradox is that we all need a protection from potential bruises to our ego but one that is less rigid and that wont let us feel so disconnected from everyone/thing else..
Loosening that shell takes time and patience. You are aware that it hurts you so the next step is to trust that part of yourself enough to want to change it.
The alternative is to keep things as they are and this obviously isnt working for you.
There is always an element of risk involved in trusting but when your aim is to help yourself -it is worth it!

I'm not even sure how I would 'loosen the shell'. This shell I have is made of lies, and by loosening it, all hell would break loose. I've tried to stop lying, and I have been doing a pretty good job so far. But I've still got my past lingering behind me. And It's not like I can forget it. Every holiday or birthday that passes, every photo album I open, everytime I see my family. That thought comes back. I'm scared to go to therapy because of my issues, so I cant get help. And I'm scared of what would happen if I did tell my parents, so i cant get rid of that weight. I really don't know how to help myself beyond moving forward.

 

[Legerity]

Why will hell break loose? If your current state requires that you constantly avoid or distract yourself to prevent pain, then you're already living a form of "hell".

You can make lifestyle changes and get busier to feel a bit better and get things moving. But ultimately I think that forgiving yourself is what will really make the difference. You did some things you regret in the past. That can't be undone at this point. If you can have compassion and remind yourself that you did the best you could given your circumstances, then it may be easier to forgive yourself and move on. And if you can forgive yourself then the judgments of others have less power over you.

If you just want to forget about everything and get on with your life, you can do so, but it is likely that your guilt and regret will continue to manifest themselves in various ways and control much of your behavior.

You don't need to forget things; that probably isn't possible. But forgiving yourself makes a hell of a difference and frees up a lot of mental energy that is otherwise spent on self-condemnation.

 

[Kipo]

Why will hell break loose? If your current state requires that you constantly avoid or distract yourself to prevent pain, then you're already living a form of "hell".

You can make lifestyle changes and get busier to feel a bit better and get things moving. But ultimately I think that forgiving yourself is what will really make the difference. You did some things you regret in the past. That can't be undone at this point. If you can have compassion and remind yourself that you did the best you could given your circumstances, then it may be easier to forgive yourself and move on. And if you can forgive yourself then the judgments of others have less power over you.

If you just want to forget about everything and get on with your life, you can do so, but it is likely that your guilt and regret will continue to manifest themselves in various ways and control much of your behavior.

You don't need to forget things; that probably isn't possible. But forgiving yourself makes a hell of a difference and frees up a lot of mental energy that is otherwise spent on self-condemnation.

I dont know. Im really not sure what would happen. I can't Imagine it to be good. But to tell the truth would risk my relationship with... everyone. People only have so much love and friendship to give. I don't know how I could forgive myself. I could have told the truth and lived on somewhat happily. Or just have not done anything at all. I don't hate myself for it, I did. But now, I just want to keep moving forward. And It's hard without some help. This site is really good for some anonymous help.