I'm fucked

[class-a-team]

So many times I've posted here saying that I've had enough of it all and that there's no hope left for me yet I find myself back here again. I don't know if it's some slight sense of hope I've held onto or just fear of death (most likely the latter) and the proper means of going about it. And a bit of guilt too. I know some people might miss me, my mother in particular, and feel guilty about not being there for me. And then there's the person that has to clean up my corpse, how could I be so selfish as to put anyone through that? But at the same time I don't know why I should have to suffer for the rest of my life just so some people can be marginally happier due to my existence.

Anyway, I'm really depressed and lonely. I've went the entire without having a proper conversation with anyone (not my choice). College has turned out the way I hoped it would. I've done everything I can to beat this depression; I'm on zoloft and I've been seeing therapists continuously for the last year and a half. My new therapist has helped a bit, but therapy just isn't enough. I have a shit lifestyle but I can't seem to change that.

In order to make friends and keep myself busy I've participated in lots of society activities in the college, but I've failed to make any real friends. I'm living on campus and everyone around here seems know each other, except me, I'm always by myself. They go out drinking every single night and seem to have amazing social lives while I'm stuck in my apartment balling my eyes out feeling sorry for myself. It's impossible for me to make friends here now that all the cliques have been formed and there's no communal areas on the campus that could help me meet others. I have other friends from my hometown but they go to different universities so I only see them once a week, at the weekend, twice at most. The two friends I've made that are in my class hardly come in to lectures anymore and if they do they never hang around, they go straight home. I always end up eating lunch by myself because of this.

On the subject of food, I'm eating terribly, I think I might be addicted to sugar. That's all well and good but I'm an insulin-dependent diabetic you see, and my diabetes is out of control. As a result, I have a lot of headaches and feel unwell for many hours of the day. I've also put on weight very quickly. I sometimes smoke heroin to stop myself from eating but it's so expensive I've been trying to give it up. I'm not an addict, I only buy it once a week, but I've found it difficult to give that weekly bag up. I feel so guilty about the amount of money I've spent on it, it's really shameful because a lot of it is my mother's money as I don't have a job. I've done sexual favours for money to avoid this guilt but I don't always get the opportunity. And I can't get a job at all, big problem of unemployment here and I've no work experience to date. I've also broken my computer which I badly need for college and repairing it will set me back quite a bit (basically any money I get for Christmas will be spent on this).

I can't stop crying, I cry myself to sleep a few nights a week, and I never get enough sleep. I have to cut this short, but what should I do?

 

[sconnie420]

Hey bud,
Ya know I can kind of relate to you.. For me, college was a night mare, very similar to high school. I hated it.

Take care of the diabetes and yourself.
On a different note, I also have/do suffer from severe depression.. Have you talked to your counselor about getting on a different medication?. Sounds like the 1 ur on isn't working anymore..maybe a good place 2 start.

Maybe look in2 a job on campus, that will help w/ your finances but also be a good place 2 meet people. Although, I know when one is that depressed, doing anything is hard.. Let alone make friends.
Anyways, keep your head up and pm me If you ever need a ear or a rant.
Be well hun

 

[Ozekat]

Damn, you have got to get your physical health into check. I don't know what that means, because I don't have diabetes, but I think the fact that you aren't taking care of your diabetes is making everything ten times worse. You have a doctor you can see and explain what the deal is? I don't know what kind of medication you're supposed to take but you should tell someone you're choosing to eat what you are that can recommend a way to change it, however small.

I have hope for you. If I felt that way, I'd go run for as long as I could, because when I'm really pissed/upset I can run and feel a lot better.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

I been where you been bro it gets better.. took me ten years to get my shit together but its worth it.. and dont think you gotta give up drugs 100percent to get your life together. Sober isn't magic it won't make shit better..... soo anyway

OK simple... walk a bit every day, eat healthy as you can, and drink lots of water... now you will feel tons better (and no drugs yet)

after that.... LIFE IS LIKE FOOD drugs are the condiments ... a little of everything tastes good but to much of any one condiment (drug) and you ruined your food (life)

get the point? Don't over do drugs, and live your life enjoy life... if you don't enjoy life whats the point?

 

[MzAnthroP]

Firstly, you need to do what's right for you. We are total strangers, so please don't take this advice as gospel, but try and benefit from an outside perspective...

I think you need to seek medical withdrawal for your diabetes after this semester is over and go home. I know this might sound like surrender or giving up but to me there is no shame in re-prioritizing for the next six months and going back next fall. Isolation is a terrible thing to be putting yourself through and I think you need to address some things before you spend another semester away from home at school.

During the spring semester hopefully you will be able to get your physical health back on track and address your depression from home. You may even be able to enroll in a community college and get a few credits in without killing yourself. It sounds like you're an underclassman so there should be a school nearby that offers credits toward whatever your major is.

I have seen many many students do things like this to great benefit. The danger is that you simply never get back into school. I think that school needs to take a back seat to your physical and mental health, though. Once you straighten those things out, you can get back to work. I spent the years most kids attend college with a needle in my arm and now I'm 26 and only halfway to a bachelor's degree. Still, I'm doing it and it feels tremendous to have so much more drive and motivation than the students I attend school with who are really just a little bit younger than me.

Again, do what is right for you, but whatever decision you make, be aware that nothing is fucked. You are young and have plenty of time to fix the problems you're dealing with. They may seem insurmountable now but you have lots of time on your side, and if you handle them right you'll look back on them later and have learned a lot from the whole experience.

Good luck! You will be fine!

 

[chrisalt]

I feel so bad for you. i really do..because i know what its like. I was an giant outcast in highschool and was bullied in elementary. The only reason i stopped getting fucked with is because i joined the reserves, got crazy in shape. When i left the reserves after a short stint and BMQ (basic training) i went back to highschool and since everyone thought i was a "loser" but were now scared shitless of me i became a 80's style punk...Then came the violence, drugs and crime....Now i can't meet normal people because i look like hardened criminal( i have done some bad shit and have a rep in my area but am really a nice guy inside. Its feeling so alone outcasted useless unwanted etc etc...that turned me into a cynical,anxious, untrusting, sad and some times bad person. even if i try my best not to be. its becoming my core.

This being said i still try to treat ppl the way they treat me. (good or bad).

My life now (im 25) is so fucked up because of PTSD/depression/anxiety from being bullied, left out of parties, little friends and just shit on by every except my family. Im a good looking dude(with that cliche badass look) so i can get women.. but i feel like im gonna throw up when i do im so scared of them..even to this day im like a 14 year old when i meet a women even though i have been with around 10. My 10 friends in highschool, never had it as bad as me and had been excepted by grade 10...apprently i never made the cut. Now as i get older i see my true few friends lesss and less...and i only have about 4 friends.. i see only 2 or them weekly..the other 2 i hardly see anymore they are always busy. I have known these guys since i was 10.

feeling alone and useless and unwanted with no friends can really fuck you up. You will find friends i hope and dont let your life turn into mine because people treated you badly....or you feel alone... try internet dating.. i have seen it work for a couple of ppl who are really shy or have a hard time meeting friends or significant others...Anyways i hope this bs does not consumes you and all you end up feeling is hate and biterness...

I should take my own advice,
Chris Alt