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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Im fucked in the head

S

Suliman

Greenlighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2014
Messages
1
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Hey guys,

I don't really have a lot of friends that I can talk to about this stuff, and you guys have been there, so I was hoping I could get some help.

Here's the back story:

A few years ago, I started regularly abusing amphetamines, usually going through several grams of pure Methlyone in a week. After burning through my life savings and more dopamine and serotonin than I though possible, I finally quit over a year into it. Quitting wasn't hard, but dealing with the mental state I was left in was quite difficult.

It has been about 2 and a half years since I got off the stuff. I have since moved to another state, and I am now within a year of completing a degree in Electrical Engineering. The first two years of college I was blissful- school was easy, I met a ton of people, I had time to go out and enjoy myself. However, this third year has put an immense strain on me. I have lost touch with almost all people I know from my home state, including my family. I've pushed away most friends that I've made since moving out here. My schoolwork has become more demanding and time consuming.

I constantly feel expected to excel at school, that any B is unacceptable. In turn, I deal with this stress by getting blackout drunk and taking 4 or 5 dabs of wax a day. I have lost a lot of weight, I dont eat right, I am constantly damaging personal relationships. I've gone from a pack of cigs for every 2 weeks to 2 packs a week in less than a year. I know that I am subconsciously trying to hurt myself, but I don't know why.

I've done great at school- 2 and a half years completed with a 3.78 GPA. This semester, however, my self destructive behavior has come to an all time high. I have been missing classes and assignments left and right because of my incessant drinking. This in turn makes me stress out more, and drink/abuse substances more. I need to stop this before I seriously hurt myself, or contract a lifelong ailment like cancer or kidney damage.

I am constantly telling myself that I am useless, even when I know that is not the case. I keep saying that I need help, but I have no idea where to turn. I have crazy thoughts in my head all the time, and I want them to stop. I refuse to use anti-depressants because of what I've seen them do to people.

TLDR; I have a compounding problem between school related stress and (mainly) alcohol abuse, and I want to get myself to a state where I can be happy with the many positive forces in my life.

Any insight or help would be GREATLY appreciated.

Thanks so much guys!
 
Sounds both scary and exhausting,Suliman. First, you know you have to deal with the alcohol (and I'm clueless about what wax is but I'm sure you'll want to give that up too). I imagine that it feels terrifying to think of not having any way to deal with the stress but this really will benefit the rest of your life and right now is the time to tackle it.

Where is the pressure to make B's coming from? Is that from you (the way you were raised) or is that from the program? Unless you plan on going to a demanding grad school, the occasional C is not going to kill you. But really, stopping the drinking is going to make it a lot easier to pull the A's and B's anyway.Is electrical engineering something you like and find interesting?

I am a big proponent of group support--you can get it here on Bluelight, from on-line Smart Recovery meetings or from AA/NA or all at the same time but whatever you do, having people that know the struggle supporting you can make a lot of difference when you get discouraged.

Telling yourself that you are useless is something to nip in the bud. You are obviously smart and capable and you have a problem right now that is derailing your life. That's all. Feeling ashamed of how you are dealing (or not dealing) with things will only deepen your negative view of yourself and take you down further. Be a good friend and encourage yourself instead of shaming--it works better. You don't have to make excuses, just accept that you've made some tactical mistakes and you need to regroup and figure out why. There really is no shame in it.

Maybe the first thing to do is to let someone (even a school counselor) know what is going on. In the meantime, try to eat better and get sleep while you are developing a strategy for your recovery. You beat the daily use of amphetamines and now you have to confront that you perhaps just replaced them with something else. So what is the drive or the unmet need?

It's great that you posted this--it's a positive first step. I think you can turn this around for good if you face it fully. <3
 
DrinksWithEvil said:
if you graduated with 3.78 GPA your def not fucked in the head.

your just growing up
Click to expand...

I'm not familiar with what GPA means but I'm certain that there it is more than possible to have significant mental health issues and still be successful in academia as well as having a high intellect.

Whilst it's of little consolation some might ague that the more intelligent you are the more likely you are to have problems with some forms of mental health issues, I'm not one of those people, I'm not clever enough ;)
 
hi,i am also fucked in the head.
i can give you personal advice,my opinions etc.

i have very little experience with "uppers"in general,wasn't my thing.
i was heroin all the way.

if you need support from someone who's also broken,PM me.

don't get into suicidal thoughts(as if that was possible).
 
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