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I'm Frightened I'm Fucked I'm Soulless

I have no personal experiance in the matter, but from what I can gather quitting opiates has to be one of the hardest possible things you can ever do willingly.

Yet even through this awful adversity, in the last few months you have gone from rock bottom to having a job, an apartment and even a potential girlfriend. In addition to that you're still very young and full of promise. Considering what you've managed to pull off in a few months imagine what you could accomplish in a few years. Hell, not getting into that school could end up being one of the best things that has ever happened to you. Its very possible you will end up doing something else you'd enjoy much more.

If for any reason you are unhappy with the present it is far more productive to look towards your future than your past.

I'm usually not one for The Dark Side, but for some reason I find your story very intersting. Keep us posted, often.
 
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I woke up so vacant today, completely checked out emotionally. Hopped onto the subway to go to work. Most people looked as miserable as I am. I think people can only keep up a front for so long and then it dissipates revealing the true emotion. On the ride in I was hoping I could try and mascerade the role of being normal. Arrived into work at 7:59am for my 8 o'clock shift, there goes employee of the month. At 11:30am I had a meeting with a new client. He's 46 in what I would deem above average physical condition. I was kind of wondering why this person would need my assistance. I asked the standard array of questions such as exercise experience,fitness goal ect. When I inquired if there were any medical conditions that would effect physical excursion he listed Lou Gerhrig's disease. He mentioned he knew that he was going to die but he wanted to gain upperbody strength so he could play with his two children for as long as possible. He could see I felt awful and said "Don't worry it's not contagious and chuckled." We went through a 45 minute resistance training workout using various machines and light weights. I kept thinking this person knows he's running out of time but he's giving me his full effort. It's awe inspiring and makes me wish I had that internal resolve. He's been on my mind most of the day. I let lesser things that aren't a death sentence drastically change my state of mind and outlook. Not getting into a University wasn't going to end my life but I decided it was a good excuse to drink heavily for the last three days. Quite embarrassing when the odds i'm facing are much better than his. I'm not a fan of the human race at times but I feel extremely priviledged to know this gentleman.
 
^hes not an addict (im guessing)
we addicts seem to take the down times a lot harder
sounds like an inspiration tho
look up to ppl like him, jay
they r the ones that help us get thru our own disease
 
I haven't written in a few days. Depression has it's grip on me and I feel worse by the day. I can no longer fake it in public any longer. I don't feel happy so I don't smile. I'm moving into my apartment on Saturday, just feels like an impulsive decision that i'm going to regret. Starting to remember why I took drugs in the first place, I feel incapable of being happy without them. I've been self medicating with alcohol for the past few days. It's legal so being delusional that it's ok keeps me drinking night after night. I've never seen a depression like this, it consumes me. At this point I don't care whether I live five minutes or five years. I've hit a roadblock where I don't want to talk to or see anybody. Been just going to work then coming home. I will be 28 in October and can't get out of my own way. How do people get happiness in their lives? Ever since the age of 15 I've felt sad the majority of the time. The only times I can remember being happy was when I was stoned or hammered. I lay in bed but don't sleep, just think of everything that has gone wrong and every decision that was extremely dumb.
 
your thread has been one of the most articulate and emotional i have read here......it has also been kinda creepy because the specifics (names and situations) are so close to those i have experienced....but, i am female and i would be playing the role of sharlene.....

i am not going to go into detail....it would take the entire night for me to type my experience out the way that i want for it to be read.....i just hope that you know you have a supreme support group going on here.....and once you get past the physical withdrawals, then you are way past the hardest part of the process....please do not hesitate to pm me....

lovelovelove.........

A
 
plz go to a meeting ASAP, ring ur sponsor, work the steps and pray to ur higher power (if ur not already!)
drinking may not b ur DOC but it will ultimately lead u back to ur DOC if u keep going
that or ull cross-addict
thats just the way things tend to go with addiction
addicts r 'allergic' to substances (or maybe the opposite :\ )
u can PM me anytime if u need another person in recovery to talk to
just remember where u were, jay - uve come along a long way
dont let it slip thru ur fingers now
 
****Good Hobbies****

-Mountain Biking (if you live near mountains)
-Rock Climbing (real rocks, or a climbing gym)
-Online Video Games (a semi-rewarding time sink)
-Chess (with friends or online)
-Snowboarding (again only if you live near mountains)
-Reading
-Taking a class or two that interests you at a community college. Classes are cheap and they usually have a ton of intro courses. Good way to meet people.
-Smoking weed (maybe not a good idea if you've got addiction problems, hell of a lot better then alcohol/opiates though)
-DMT
-Keeping a journal
-Making/painting miniatures
-Jogging
-Finding/downloading new music
-Amateur team sports leagues (another good way to meet people)

These are some of the hobbies i've had over the course of my life. While this list may not have anything of interest to you i'm sure there is some sort of activity you like. And if not, TRY NEW THINGS. Keeping your mind active is a great way to fight depression/addiction.
 
Hey Jay, how's things been?

I just wanted to say something about the 5-htp. Dunno if you still dose with it, but last week i was taking about 300mg a day until one night i was sitting in my room and started to have this total and utter confusion. There were thoughts going through my head that were so horribly strange and absolutely incoherent. I am fairly sure it was serotonin syndrome type symptoms from the 5-htp.

Luckily i had some diazepam which is actually a treatment given for serotonin syndrome so i popped a few and was able to sleep it off.

But yeah, surprised me just how much the 5-htp could affect me. Since then i have stuck to 50mg a day and still find it to be beneficial. I often start smiling when doing mundane tasks and everyone is like "what are you smiling at" and i don't know... just a few random squirts of serotonin being released.

But yeah, you may not be using it any more but just in case, i would think 50-100mg is ample.

EDITED: Removed something which wasn't worded as it should have been.
 
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^my friend (ex-friend really) has OCD and she went on prozac, which has seemed to give her a totally normal life
im sure there hav to b better ways of managing OCD than opiates due to the tolerance/addiction issues
i mean i might b getting ur post wrong but ur not suggesting jay go back on oxy after doing so well in getting clean r u!?
i understand the thing u say about ppl with various brain conditions functioning better on substances
the one ADD treatment that actually seemed to help me was methamphetamine
but i can hardly go on poisoning myself with meth just cos i hav ADD!
jay, let us know how ur going.....
 
Drug_Wench, you seem to always give very solid and thoughtful advice! And i think i tried to encapsulate something in that last post that requires much much more discussion than simply spurting out some potentially damaging information.

I only hoped to move things in a positive direction by getting at some of the underlying reasons why some people might gravitate towards self medication - there are certainly people in the world with more complex brain wiring than what could be considered 'typical' in the bell curve of human brain chemistry.

Even now i am struggling to try and explain my point as eloquently as i can feel it in my own head... but the basic gist is that maybe those that might be a bit more sensitive to things around them in the world could be those that search out drugs and sadly have trouble with addiction.

In short... Jay, i am pretty darn 100 percent sure certain that you have a bit of a deeper brain than others out there and your life might be a bit more dynamic than what could be considered the 'norm' - so i hope you can see through any guilt that might ride on your shoulders from what other people in society have deemed as socially acceptable paths to choose when it comes to drugs.

AND.... there are options available through the medical system that can often be really helpful for those wired a bit 'differently'.
 
JAY!!!!

i just read this entire post. i cannot tell you how strong you are and how i wish i could come hang out with you.

i have been an addict of various opiates for something along the lines of 3 years and im trying desperately to stop. i commend you SO much on stoping a huge OC habit cold turkey.


PLEASE relaxing on the drinking. i work at a liquor store, and i cannot tell you how quickly i have seen addictions to alcohol start. if you think OPIATES have ruined your life.

YOU HAVE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IDEA what alcohol will do to you!!!

you have come so far. your not going to get better in a week. in a month. a year. it will take time.


once the alcohol wears off, the depression is there 2x stronger cuz you still have to deal with the fact that you got loaded last night!

i just want you to know you inspired me and so many others. and i will come back to this thread every day and look for your updates, ile help you. if you help me.


lay off the alks bro. seriously. its worse then opiates.



i will keep you in my prayers. life gets better jay. ive been telling myself that recently.

i had been booted from my university ( cal state los angeles) for lack of grades. this summer i decided to change my ways. i took 12 units in a 4 week session. coupled with working almost 12 hours a day everyday. i aced all my classes and this thursday i just found out the university let me back in! :):):)

im using that success to help me stop the opiates. i picked up some suboxone and im going to stop this week. wish me luck bro.

and i wish nothing but the best for you!

plz.........dont drink
 
Enyay: Keep on trucking man, you're doing fantastic. Good luck with Subuxone, I've never tried it myself but many people at my meetings and here at Blue Light swear by it. Congrats on getting back into school. You have a lot of courage and a lot of determination.

Frogman (Stuart): You always give me a lot to think about. I haven't tried benzos, might help with my insomnia perhaps.

DW: You're awesome, I see you're a moderator here now. I'm not surprised as you seem to put others before yourself at every turn.

Care: Thanks for the hobbies list. You're way more organized than I am. Your spot on as usual. Perhaps if I listened to you more and myself less things would be better than they are.

Alicat: Thank You for your kind words. I'm sorry you were in the position of my EX, sounds like you made the right decision just like she did.

I've moved into my hovel aka apartment. My place consists of one bedroom, a kitchen and bathroom. What more could one want. Been fighting a bad cold the last couple days. I've come to grips with the fact that depression has sat on my shoulders for years like a thousand pound weight. Due to being in heavy denial i've never seeked out extensive treatment for it. I briefly took amitriptyline but discontinued it due to side effects and pride. It's quite clear that i'm not alright. If I wasn't such a coward I would've cashed in my chips a few years ago. Yet I go on hoping and wanting that life will get better and I will find some solace that so many others in this world appear to have. I have long admired those that are able to put failures and awful life events behind them. Internally I'm too sensitive and let these things fester within me for months at a time. A long time has passed and I still love Sharlene like it was yesterday. I'm not over her and still love her even though she's moved on and discarded me like a bad dream. I've been a loner for a long time, only creating surface friendships to keep from feeling anything at all. It's not a healthy way to progress through life. It was me, my weights,sports and books. Those were my companions and are again.

Janelle is pretty much done with me. She wants a relationship instead of a platonic friendship. She looks at my hesitance as rejection. I haven't told her what's going because frankly I don't need to be judged anymore than I am.

I'm trying to cut back on the drinking as I've been using it to help me get to sleep. Without it I just lay awake and stare at the ceiling and think. I called my sponsor and he met me and we had a long chat. I respect him a great deal, he's been thru the wars of addiction and knows it in and out. I have to start going to more meetings again, I'm slacking on it which profoundly effects my state of mind. This post is a random mess but my mind is crowded at the moment.
 
for the sleep try some OTC sleep medication that has the active ingredient (diphendramine sp?) its helped me A LOT!

it wont knock you out. but it makes you drowsy, and put you half way there. and it was not addictive, nor an enjoyable buzz. it just helped me sleep

melatonin is natural sleep aid that might help.

and since your a baseball fan. what do you think about manny going to LA? im a HUGE baseball fan. and a bigger dodger fan.

i really hope we make it to the post season :)
 
frogman - sorry i misinterpreted ur post mate, i can see wat ur saying now and it is interesting
jay - im glad ur going to up the meetings and seeing ur sponsor more....thats how us addicts keep sane!
u said ur looking at trying benzos
not a good idea - theyre very addictive and uve got that addictive personality
go with OTC sleep meds rather than benzos
talk to ur sponsor before trying anything like benzos and u can probly already guess wat he will say!
its a pity u didnt feel u cud tell janelle about ur addiction
i find i can usually perceive a persons level of judgmentalness wen i first meet them and can tell whether or not i can tell them about my addiction
janelle sounds like a truly nice person and i wud hav said go for it - if she rejects u its her loss!
 
EnYah: I think the addition of Ramirez changes the whole complexion of the Dodgers lineup. Russell Martin will get many more pitches to hit with Manny hitting behind him in the 4th spot. In turn I expect teams to pitch around Rameriz and take their chances with Kent down the stretch. To overtake Arizona they will need to pitch well. Getting Penny back is a good start. Having Saito back as closer and having Broxton back as setup man would be nice if Saito can get healthy. I'm a Yankees fan and have pretty well given up on them. The health of their rotation is in a shambles.

I'm still getting acclimated to my new living quarters. I don't know if my neighbour is auditioning for a band or is hooked on Guitar Hero. Like clockwork every night around 10:30 the noise starts. On the bright side I don't sleep a lot anyway so I get free musical entertainment.


When I'm at my unhappiest I tend to want to use constantly. It's on my mind more than anything including sex. I go to meetings but still think about being in an altered mind state all the time. How do people get thru life without getting fucked up at least once a week for an escape. I've never been able to grasp that. I cut down the drinking substancially this week, only partaking on Wednesday when I was feeling particually upset. The biggest issue in my life is my inability to trust anyone. I wish I could get past it but when I open up I fear it will be used against me in the most vicious passion possible. I commend the people here that don't have to think so hard it hurts.
 
I know what you mean about not being able to trust people. I have many friends, but only one person that i'd say I can truely trust. If I didnt have a person I knew I could vent to.... I dont know where I would be. The trouble is if you never open up to people its hard to ever get to the point where you feel like you really know them.

If you really like Janelle maybe it would be a good idea to tell her the truth about yourself. If you are honest with her and she accepts you for who you are then you will have gained a great ally for fighting your addiction, and a good reason not to relapse.

Anyways good luck to you Jay. Just remember this is the hardest part, it WILL get better. Like enyay said, I too wish I knew you in real life. You seem like such a strong person under such awful shackles of addiction.

Oh and for the sleeping problems try melatonin and valeran root, works wonders for me
 
Jay your story's beginning is paralleling my life, maybee the mind plays tricks and makes loose connections.

You have touched one person (not in a Michael Jackson way).
xanax makes me happy. I actually talk to people outside myself, at work, on the streets. "Friends" actually comment on my peppy/happy mood. but I can see where I could end up going and change needs to be made.

I thank you


edit: just read the above post. +1 for melatonin. not an everyday thing but once or twice a week it will straighten out your sleep/wake cycles.
 
I'm trying to be open to new people and experiences instead of wrapping myself in my own comfortable cocoon away from everything and everyone. A guy from work hosted a party on Friday. I usually run from such large gatherings as they often turn out so plastic and fake. Perhaps I accepted because I've felt so painfully alone and lonely the last while. To not seem like a total keaner I arrived at 10pm and brought a case of beer for the host. I didn't know a lot of the people there but I knew the habits. Booze was flowing like water and a few people were making frequent trips to the washroom. I didn't have to be a DEA Employee to know that a lot of my fellow partygoers were coked up and chatting a million words a minute. I kind of sat back and took it all in while sipping on a Diet Coke. I poured it into a glass so I didn't come across a judgemental highschool guidence councillor. Janelle arrived at around 10:30 and seemed quite elated that I made an appearance. I had forgotten how wonderful it was to see a beautiful woman smile at me. She asked if I was enjoying myself and I lied and said I was. The truth being I really have no idea how to have fun without being high or drunk. It's not in my makeup to just have one drink or smoke one or two bowls of weed. The goal for me has always been to get as fucked up as possible very quickly. Showing someone I've just met that side of me would be suicide. I made the social rounds at the party and Janelle and I decided to go get a slice of pizza in a more controlled and quiet setting.

On the way to get the pizza I felt nervous almost like that feeling you would get when you tell your parents about something that you know will a) upset them and b) disappoint them. We sat down and ordered our slice of pizza and after a few bites I decided to tell Janelle about my weakness. I said I had been so guarded with her because I was ashamed of something I had done in my recent past. Mentioned my back injury, my acceleration of percocet and graduation to oxycontin. She responded by telling me that I don't look like a drug addict. She comes from a very straight edge family and didn't quite understand the many layers to addiction. We talked a long time and she seems to grasp most of it. What worried me is she said "So you're over this now?" The best I could explain it was I go to NA meetings and it's a daily process and I probably won't lose the cravings for a long time. As it stands now we are friends, I sense she looks at my differently. I said this problem I have is why I can't embark on a serious relationship and we have to take things at a slow pace. I hope she will keep believing in me as she's the best thing to happen to me in a long long time.
 
that was a brave thing to do, jay, and it sounds like she took it pretty well
u know, now ive given up drugs i dont like parties much anymore either - or even going to bars can b pretty tedious
just seeing all those wasted ppl makes me cringe, reminds me of how i used to b
now i only go to bars for music gigs but i feel kinda self-conscious, sipping ginger beer and coke all night!
its a hard road getting clean and staying clean, but u sound like ur doing well
glad to read another update!
 
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