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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I'm evil

B

BottleInABottle

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 28, 2012
Messages
69
And I really hate it. You can not imagine how much energy I spend on hating myself for being evil, and the fact that I don't look evil is even more disguisting. I'm like the devil in camo.

Why do I call myself evil? Because I am so selfish to the point I get thoughts "as long as I am ok, I don't give a damn about other people" My ego is huge, I don't genuinley love people - only for selfish purposes. I'm like an incarnation of the ego, which could be thought of as the trait of a devil. For as long as I can remember, I only cared about myself. Never showing any kind of appreciation for what people have done to me. Since a little child I was a huge materialist that got whatever I pointed at, only cared about luxury and comfort and never showing interest in the warmth.

My heart is made of stone, basically. And I know I can't change it... so the only way is to accept my disguisting persona. Do you agree that ego is the evil in this world? If so, then you have pure evil right here. But what can I do to accept myself?
 
There are many things
that we cannot change, and that we cannot control.
Yet,
the one thing we've got a real say in,
is ourselves.
How we live and think and act.
Though i don't mean to say that it is an easy thing,
you can most certainly transform into a kind person,
if that's what you want.
We're all free to be as we want to appear,
and you truly could be any type of person you choose:
even a happy one.

Also, there's nothing inherently evil about ego,
in fact a well defined ego is quite healthy--
you've just got to keep it in balance.
Moderation in all things friend.
Ordem e Progresso~
 
Mate, if beating yourself up was an olympic sport, I'd be a winner at it. When was the last time you did something nice for someone else that made you feel good about yourself? I've struggled lots in the past and still do-about the way I behave to get what I want. And in my life, it's because of drugs. Selfishness is necessary sometimes. Sometimes you really do have to look after number one. For me, as well as the drugs, it's because I've spent my whole life trying to be a decent, popular, kind person that would help someone worse of than myself. But where has that got me? I'll tell you-FUCKING NOWHERE. Just dumped on and screwed over by the very people whose circumstances I have tried to better.
Therefore I too, am selfish. What is it that made you the way you are? You say that you've been like it since you were small. Did you always get your way, were you spoilt-so to speak?
It sounds like you maybe don't have many loved ones in your life, do you have a partner? Do you struggle to let people get close to you?
Personally I have accepted that the good don't always triumph. And that what goes around certainly does not always come around. Good things happen to bad people, and vice versa. I get along by telling myself that as long as people want to say hi to me instead of running for the hills when they see me-that's cool. I'm sure you don't torture puppies in your spare time(?) Give yourself a break<3
 
I think it is obvious you are not at all evil, based on the fact that you feel so guilty for your selfishness. This is evident of a strong desire to be good in you, but it sounds like you may be too addicted the rewards you can get from being selfish. But I bet the rewards cannot be worth living feeling the way that you do about yourself. People have an extraordinary ability to change when they are motivated to, maybe it would help if you thought of your spoilt upbringing as your own personal cross to bear. I believe it is probably an egotistic thought you have developed which tells you you are some being of pure evil, when actually you are some ambiguous mix of motives like the rest of humanity. Remember that you are always making choices and thinking that you just did something because of your nature is always a cop out. Good luck to you.
 
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You have your own moral standards that you don't think you live up to.

Are you a judgy type of person?
 
In my opinion I don't think someone as an individual can be evil, because deep down past the reinforced walls of the ego everyone is truly insecure and hurts.. which suggests there is no purely evil person. Figured that out not too long ago. Although, a persons acts can be evil, such as some of the serial killing that has happened in the world.
 
If you where "evil" (whatever the fuck that means mind you) you wouldn't be beating yourself up about it. Face it none of us are selfless we just vary in degrees. So unless your like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho id say stop worrying about it.
 
The fact you acknowledge ur flaws in ur personality, definatly means u are not "evil" I think all of us have some relationships for personal gain, I think that's jus being human, maybe ur childhood surrounded by material things has impacted on how you are in adult life, try and be nice and do something for some one without gettin anything for urself, it might feel great. If not accept move on make the best out of it we all have our faults
 
I'm still not convinced. I've always hated myself for being the one I am, so I had this person I had to imitate. It's no different now, but I've grown out from it to an extent. Simply I have this strong image of what is right and wrong, and the right has to be met completely to make me mean something. This has made me to an insane egomaniac, so I always have to hide it, or else I think I'm a huge embarassment. Besides that, people would loath me for it, so no, I just don't say what I actually am thinking.

I think just my love of the Salvador Dalis paintings explains a lot about my stance between these dualities. Music I listen to is evil, my parents are evil, all my friends are evil. God I really do hate myself for that... I wish I was more selfless so Id get away from all this ego crap that just causes me and others suffering. Ive never met anyone with such insane self-love as me. I know its just an illusion... there is no me, only energy that is all ONE. No matter how much I tell myself that, I still kiss my mirror. Well, not really, but almost. =D

PS. Noticed that I almost always begin my sentences with an "I"? Yeah, there you have me... it's all about me. And I'm sorry about it.
 
No ones stopping you from being selfless.

If you truly are evil go be selfless for your own selfish reasons. Go help others for YOUR BENEFIT, ie the feeling you will get, instead of because youre actually helping anyone.

This is if youre truly an evil user of course. If you are you should have no qualms about helping people for your own selfish, evil needs.

I personally doubt you are truly evil because as everyone else says if you were evil you'd laugh about all of this and how funny it is that you can manipulate/use people, not feel guilty about it. You probably have some truly deep seated emotional/psychological issues and repressed memories, which is most likely why you act in such a way: so you can 'feel evil" and pull the spotlight off of who you really are/how you feel.

But as I said, if you are an evil sonuvabitch? Go help people for your own guilty pleasures. Although if you are SUPER SUPER EVIL, go lie/cheat/steal/kill/rob/fuck over everyone for your own purposes and dont even give it a second thought. Then when the person doesn't have a drop more of shit to give you, abandon them. Thats what an evil person would do, then chuckle about how retarded all those people are you screwed over.

But I dont think you're evil; if you were you'd be out there already doing such.
 
Everyone is selfish whether they are conscious of it or not. It is just in our nature, we are designed to be survivors. That means we have to stomp out the competition sometimes. The ego is not inherently evil. It is just our survival mechanism. It's what helps us live day to day in the real world. Even those who help others do it for selfish reasons as well, its just part of the pack mentality. Empathy is just the ability to feel what it must be like to be in someone else's shoes, but we must reference the ego to even make that possible. The whole world is just a will to power.

Your just a romantic. You have ideals for yourself and everyone around you that aren't realistic. There's no such thing as "good and evil." These are just out dated lofty ideals of the past. Good and evil are necessary for our survival and the progress of society, but once you grow to a point you can see beyond the superficialities. They are just the result of prior reasoning.
 
I'm sure a few people will recognize I'm referring to Nietzsche's, Beyond Good and Evil.
 
Well, I'm overly egomaniac. You should see the terrible sight of me replaying songs I have made over and over just to get a kick out from it... to feed my narcissistic supply or something, like Im possessed. Its really horrible, I constantly think Im the best although the case may not be so. Yey, I degrade myself at the same time. Its a really weird feeling.

I just noticed that I seem to be... both good and evil. Yes, as if I would be duality itself. I am still selfless at times and genuinly help other people out who needs my help, because I just feel some kind of urge to do it. Like I must. Maybe this is what you call compassion? That isn't evil, is it? I have a lot of empathy, but that shit is useless because I don't see empathy as something good, neither bad, but just useless. Ive felt sorry about people a lot of times and actually felt their pain, yet I didnt help them. Maybe I just didnt know how I could be in service.

Ill stick with the thought Im 50/50.
 
BottleInABottle said:
Well, I'm overly egomaniac. You should see the terrible sight of me replaying songs I have made over and over just to get a kick out from it... to feed my narcissistic supply or something, like Im possessed. Its really horrible, I constantly think Im the best although the case may not be so. Yey, I degrade myself at the same time. Its a really weird feeling.

I just noticed that I seem to be... both good and evil. Yes, as if I would be duality itself. I am still selfless at times and genuinly help other people out who needs my help, because I just feel some kind of urge to do it. Like I must. Maybe this is what you call compassion? That isn't evil, is it? I have a lot of empathy, but that shit is useless because I don't see empathy as something good, neither bad, but just useless. Ive felt sorry about people a lot of times and actually felt their pain, yet I didnt help them. Maybe I just didnt know how I could be in service.

Ill stick with the thought Im 50/50.
Click to expand...

I go through the same thing. It's a psychological term called "splitting", which is used to preserve a persons sense of self, and to protect their ego. It's often found in Borderline, or Narcissistic personality disorders.
 
BottleInABottle said:
And I really hate it. You can not imagine how much energy I spend on hating myself for being evil, and the fact that I don't look evil is even more disguisting. I'm like the devil in camo.

Why do I call myself evil? Because I am so selfish to the point I get thoughts "as long as I am ok, I don't give a damn about other people" My ego is huge, I don't genuinley love people - only for selfish purposes. I'm like an incarnation of the ego, which could be thought of as the trait of a devil. For as long as I can remember, I only cared about myself. Never showing any kind of appreciation for what people have done to me. Since a little child I was a huge materialist that got whatever I pointed at, only cared about luxury and comfort and never showing interest in the warmth.

My heart is made of stone, basically. And I know I can't change it... so the only way is to accept my disguisting persona. Do you agree that ego is the evil in this world? If so, then you have pure evil right here. But what can I do to accept myself?
Click to expand...


Well I guess the only reason you want to change yourself is so that you will feel better about yourself so even the desire to change is for selfish reasons.

At least you can see what role you are filling, in my opinion I would rather have you as a sidekick than some christian do gooder who believed they had the moral high ground.

thanks for your honesty and for being brave enough to take the evil role, without you how would the so called "good" people know they were good, you are a very necessary evil, (heard that expression before ?) you can't have black without white, you cant have an inside without an outside, the coolest part though is that you CAN switch roles any time you want to.

so the only way is to accept my disguisting persona.
Click to expand...

Persona is from the Greek language root and means the mask worn by the actors in a greco roman drama, so your persona is just the current mask you are wearing, it's all cool.

isn't life grand.

:)
 
we are all a combination of pure goodness and pure greedy evilness. Without darkness what meaning would the light have? without fear why would anyone love?
 
webbykevin said:
Well I guess the only reason you want to change yourself is so that you will feel better about yourself so even the desire to change is for selfish reasons.

At least you can see what role you are filling, in my opinion I would rather have you as a sidekick than some christian do gooder who believed they had the moral high ground.

thanks for your honesty and for being brave enough to take the evil role, without you how would the so called "good" people know they were good, you are a very necessary evil, (heard that expression before ?) you can't have black without white, you cant have an inside without an outside, the coolest part though is that you CAN switch roles any time you want to.



Persona is from the Greek language root and means the mask worn by the actors in a greco roman drama, so your persona is just the current mask you are wearing, it's all cool.

isn't life grand.

:)
Click to expand...

I agree. I switch role pretty often, but sadly I am not so good at controlling the switches. If I learn to, however, I may be able to take an advantage over it. Or something... no idea.

Well I just hope I wont be evil for much longer so I can feel better about myself.
 
BottleInABottle said:
Well, I'm overly egomaniac. You should see the terrible sight of me replaying songs I have made over and over just to get a kick out from it... to feed my narcissistic supply or something, like Im possessed. Its really horrible, I constantly think Im the best although the case may not be so. Yey, I degrade myself at the same time. Its a really weird feeling.

I just noticed that I seem to be... both good and evil. Yes, as if I would be duality itself. I am still selfless at times and genuinly help other people out who needs my help, because I just feel some kind of urge to do it. Like I must. Maybe this is what you call compassion? That isn't evil, is it? I have a lot of empathy, but that shit is useless because I don't see empathy as something good, neither bad, but just useless. Ive felt sorry about people a lot of times and actually felt their pain, yet I didnt help them. Maybe I just didnt know how I could be in service.

Ill stick with the thought Im 50/50.
Click to expand...

I'll play songs that I've wrote over and over again too... It's just because I'm passionate about music and making music... It's not a terrible sight at all. It is very healthy to have passions. The definition of passion is kinda like being possessed. It is "Strong and barely controllable emotion." I don't think your narcisitic or that you are suffering from "splitting." It just sounds like your being hard on yourself. Keep making music and listen to it as many times as you like if it makes your happy. Feed your passions. They fuel the light that is creation.

I think all of us have seen people suffering and felt their pain but have not helped them. Everything that you talk about is just part of the human condition. Compassion isn't evil either and the ego also plays a part in being compassionate. Think of the ego as your definition of yourself or the "I am." If there was no ego, there would be no you.
 
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But when the ego grows to a point the weight starts tilting way too much to one side, its a sign things are going out of balance. Id rather be more selfless than ego. Ignorance, pride, arrogance, anger, lust and intolerance are full blown causes of evil, all of which I express. But I can be very contradictionary sometimes and help people for their sake, not to feed my feel good factor. It comes afterwardd though, lol. Just not something I think of then.

Anyhow, in the end my ego, animalistic nature, controls me more than the good,humane part. I believe we are bornto grow up either weak willed or strong willed, so Ill try to accept it. Ive come a bit closer to that, and noticed how my current state of mind got multiplied by simply seeing evil as not such a big deal. There are always two planes of a coin, and which side would face upwards after flipping it is nothing I had control over when getting assigned a soul. The universe needed me as the one I am, so Ill just show some respect about that decision it made.
 
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