I'm dying inside and nobody knows

[MissMalena]

I'm scared of being by myself, as in without my family, in a place like rehab or a psychiatric hospital where I wouldn't be in control of what I do or what happens to me. I'm scared of being around strangers day and night having them treat me, and being in a foreign place alone. Its difficult because those are two of my biggest fears, being alone and being around people (social anxiety) that's mainly why I don't leave my house, go to school or go out with my friends. Another thing I fear is not having access to my drugs, all of them from the heroin to my xanax, it's like my security blanket, I don't think I could bear it, it'd be a nightmare.

 

[Missykins]

I'm scared of being by myself, as in without my family, in a place like rehab or a psychiatric hospital where I wouldn't be in control of what I do or what happens to me. I'm scared of being around strangers day and night having them treat me, and being in a foreign place alone. Its difficult because those are two of my biggest fears, being alone and being around people (social anxiety) that's mainly why I don't leave my house, go to school or go out with my friends. Another thing I fear is not having access to my drugs, all of them from the heroin to my xanax, it's like my security blanket, I don't think I could bear it, it'd be a nightmare.

I can relate to that, but you're going to have to take a leap of faith. What's the alternative?

 

[lars90]

Well this is the point where you have to decide will you live for the good and safening feeling drugs give you and die alone from an overdose or are you wanting to have a happy life meen a guy you can marry and get old with and have a nice family its all in your hand. Ether keep it closed or open it for the beaty of real life.
I belive in you and I know you can do it. I know how it feels you crve a drug even if I have been only though mental adictions it is terrible and you are scared of stopping becasue you want to continue jsut living with your drugs becasue your to scared to exsept the help that others try and give to you.

So here are your choices.
1) Stay on drugs until you die someday from a lethal dose or becasue your body jsut cant take it anymore.
2) Go tell your parents and tell anyone else who needs to know go to rehab and and go tell those drugs to go fuck them selves because you dont need them

YOur choice I know you will make the right one go follow your heart do what it tells you todo dont lsitne to your mind or body only your heart.

 

[xburtonchic]

This is going to sound extremely cheesy and cliche, but... you're not alone. Hopefully you can take some comfort in that fact.

As for some real advice: if you don't want to go to a rehab or inpatient detox, think about seeing an addiction specialist at an outpatient facility. They can help you with a tapering schedule, find you good support groups, programs, therapists, give you the medications that will help make withdrawal more comfortable if needed, etc. The upside is that you have a lot more control than you would in a rehab. The doctors who work as addiction specialists have usually been there themselves, so they understand - they'll work WITH you instead of against you, they won't force you into doing things you aren't comfortable with doing yet, and they let you choose what method will work best for YOU. Truly, I can't say enough about a good addiction specialist. It's basically the same thing a rehab does, but without the strict schedule and people forcing you to do things... AND you get to go to sleep in your own bed at night!

An addiction specialist combined with therapy and a support group (not necessarily NA or AA) sounds like the best thing for you. Even one of those things alone would be a step in the right direction. The bad news is that other people can't fix your problems for you. YOU have to do that. It's a really hard and really long process that involves a lot of soul-searching, but getting down to the very root of your problems and then taking steps to fix them is truly the only way to guarantee lasting happiness and success. It can take some time, or it can take very little time... it all depends. Whatever the case, it's worth it. Doing that AND getting outside help, I don't see any reason why you can't find the happiness you deserve. Even just getting yourself on the right path by taking that first baby step can be a huge boost in confidence and willpower in helping you stay strong.

Bluelight is always here when you need us, too.

 

[pammy]

Iv felt alone and as if iv been dying since i was 10 years old,it just feels natural for me to feel this way now that im used to this now im unable to enjoy who i am as a person.I feel like an outcast i have never fitted in anywhere or been able to make friends im too nervous i think its just how its meant to be for the rest of my life now.

 

[LuGoJ]

^thank you for your advice I actually do have a therapist and a psychiatrist, I just can't trust them with my big problems. If I tell them I'm feeling suicidal or that I'm still doing heroin they'll tell my parents and also I'm afraid that they'll put me somewhere.

I’m not sure what country you are in but in the US your doctor can’t legally discuss anything with your parents unless you give him permission.

like those places where they help addicts or somewhere where they'll have me on watch so I don't hurt myself. And that's not where I want to go, I don't think that could help me.

Your thinking has gotten you where you are now, if you truly dislike where you are now then why would you trust what you want or think anymore? Perhaps it’s time to try to something different.