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I'm dying inside and nobody knows

M

MissMalena

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 12, 2012
Messages
84
Location
Over the hills and far away...
I feel so alone. Earlier in 2011 was a really rough time for me, I was depressed/suicidal, addicted to cocaine and my obsession with drugs was growing, all that hurt the ones who love me more than it hurt me. After that things settled down, at least on the outside, and my parents got me a therapist, a psychiatrist and lots and lots of medication. They think I'm better because I don't let them hear me cry anymore , because I don't let them see me high I just put on a facade because I will always feel like dying inside but I don't want to share my misery with them. No one seems to understand me, or maybe I just can't understand them. When people try to reach out to me, even best friends, I just can't get a connection, I feel nothing. I don't go out anymore, I stay at home, i don't see my friends, I never really leave our apartment unless I'm going out to get drugs. that's the only thing I spend my money on. I don't even buy clothes anymore because all I can think about is how high I can get insted. I got about 400 bucks on my birthday last D
ecember and it was all gone within a few weeks. Everyone's still asking me about all the pretty new clothes I've bought with it, but I haven't told anyone what I really did with it. Now I'm hooked on heroin and no one knows about it but my dealer. I can't talk to my sister or my parents or my therapist, no one. I feel so alone. I cry when no ones home and then put on a happy face when my family comes back. I want to die but I can't, I couldn't do that to my parents. But I'm still in hell, and no one can help me.
 
You've already done the best thing you could have for yourself atm. That is, telling SOMEONE about what you're going through. By opening up to us here you're taking a big step in opening up to those who are spatially and emotionally closest to you.

Asking for help can be the hardest part of getting better - at least for me I remember it being so. So do yourself a favor, and try to acknowledge that you've done at least one thing exactly as you should have. You're reaching out, asking for help. This is a big deal. If you can find it in yourself, you should be proud.

Regardless, I am proud of you <3 I don't care what anyone says, this is a big deal. Haha, you've actually kinda just made my day. Cheesy, I know. But I'm a kinda sappy guy at times...

You've got so much to gain by continuing to make health choices, to continue asking for help, because so many people want to help you, want to see you thrive and be the AWESOMENESS which is already within you, just waiting to come out.

There is a wonderful world of opportunities just waiting for you right outside your window. You've already taken a big first step to being able to enjoy said delights.

Who else can you tell? Is there someone else or another sort of place you can ask someone for help? Even just a friend who you can talk to about what you've been through, someone like the people here on the TDS who can relate to what you have been through and are just now going through. This would be a big, positive deal.
 
TRY your hardest to share how your feeling with someone you trust. I worry when I read that someone is using heroin to mask their feelings, because it reminds me of myself and when I used drugs to mask my feelings, feelings I had that were very much like your own. I hated myself and I hated my life. But one day I woke up and realized I simply couldn't live like that anymore and I had to tell someone what was happening, and I told my doctor the truth about how I had been feeling, and the fact that I had been using drugs illicitly to cope with those feelings. I also told my twin brother, to whom I am quite close, and together we put together a plan where I could receive inpatient treatment that addressed both my psychiatric condition (bipolar) and chemical dependency. It was pretty scary, but the alternative was worse. I was suicidal, and I wasn't safe or able to care for myself, and I needed residential treatment. Perhaps you do as well.

Once again, really try to tell someone. You'd be surprised at how much better you'll feel afterwards.
 
I know the feeling 100%. For the last two years I have had a banner in my bedroom stating in big block letters stating "YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO LIVE" as a reminder that while suicide seems the only logical answer to my problems I cant do it due to the effects it would have on my family who arent deserving of having to bury their kid. Im lonely, hopeless, void of any emotion and suffer neurobiological disorders in addition to my severe addiction problems. Living wih OCD and Bipolar are shit. Having no one understand the hell I live in is shittier. Drugs (in my case opiates) are the only thing that quiets the demons. Yet as soon as the drugs wear off I feel like an even larger piece of shit. Ive spent the better part of today contemplating suicide as I do about once a week. I dont feel Im dying inside as much as Im already dead inside. I can look to the past and see myself in various states of living. When I look to the future I see nothing at all.

Some days suck worse than others but the inability to talk about it with family and freinds is the worst part. Sadly, i "talk" about it with heroin, opana and little orange capped syringes. I love my family but i dont feel worthy of love myself. Havent dated in years unless you count my ongoing relationship with opiates. I know ill cave at some point but Im not yet to a place where suicide outweighs the pain Ill inflict on the family who did the best by me that any family could. They know about the OCD/Bipolar but only my brother whos a doctor understands what that means in terms of the shitty existence I live in and even he only understandts 10% of it.

I feel for you in a big way and am in a fucked up way glad to hear Im not the only one. I have no freinds anymore unless dealers count as freinds. If my family knew what was really going on they'd probably rather I had killed myself. I feel like Im in a no win situation.

Imagine being in an ocean trying not to drown and desperately trying to keep your head above water for that life sustaining oxygen. For me life is the ocean and drugs are the life sustaining option. But 15 years later Im ready to concede and just drown since the drugs are making things worse rather than better by now.

I wish I had an answer for you other than "I understand completely" but I dont. If I did I wouldnt be where I am now. All I can suggest is to take it one day at a time. Ive "attempted" to kill myself with swallowing an entire bottle of xanax, by shooting hot shots of opana, by wandering in the hood at night hoping to get shot etc. since my family could take that as, while tragic, an accident. Something a shotgun to the head wont allow. But for now I just try to get by hoping somthing will change at some point though I know it wont. Personally I wish I were dead right now but I cant do that to my family who loves me. I find myself in a no win situation where one more day seems like one day too many.

I am highly religious (im a very bad Christian but a Christian nonetheless) and I know God will sort this out one way or the other in due time. All I can suggest is that if you are religious then pray for strenght. Pray for mercy. Pray for guidance. That said, Ive been doing those things and maybe thats how i got this far....but it doesnt do anything to keep me from viewing the future as a black abyss that is destined to get worse rather than better.

Whether your religious or not, when I say my prayers tonight for strenght to simply not hurt the only 4 ppl who love me Ill be including you in them as well. Lifes a fucked up place. OCD/Bipolar make it even more fucked up. Drugs quiet a lot of the shit rolling around in my head but ultimately lead to other shit that has to be dealt with concurrently. I honestly have no idea what to do with myself other than pray htat when the time comes that I cross the line that God will provide the necessary peace to my family since its not their issue.

Remember also, God knows exactly who and what we are and doesnt expect us to be perfect. You'll be judged based on what you were given to work with, not what the ideal is. Sadly, I feel if I went through with it tonight as Ive contemplated all day that my eternal soul wold be in less peril than the family I left behind. Im out of ideas, out of willpower, out of hope and out of the desire to keep moving on. Ill pray for you tonight and ask that anyone whos religious do the same for me. Lifes hard. I hope death is easy...
 
Narcotics Anonymous for sure. What you say to your therapist should be confidential, especially if you are 18 years of age. You are paying them money, so you should be able to talk to them. Why is this not an option? :?
 
wow that was very good of you telling us. I know how i can possibley help you i am pretty sure i can but i dont think you would acsept the way i would do it. I meen you would have to tell your parents becasue once they know and beliveme they will find out they will help you. Heroin is pretty much the worst drug in that situation casue you cant stop iwthout them noticing. If you want to know my way send me a message or just reply here....
 
Iv feel like im dead inside quite a lot of the time as i cant feel what so called normal people feel,i mean true emotions,feeling happy for real without feeling guilty for it,i feel numb inside probably due to my upbringing it wasnt that great to put it lightly.Iv suffered within myself since i was ten years old its like a really bad habit now to just be how i am,i would give anything to feel loved,just to not feel lost any more would be my ultimate goal but i always feel as though im sounding selfish as there is plenty of people in this world today who are much worse off than me?who knows it just might happen for me yet.I can only hope for the best.
 
Its so nice to know that im not alone feeling dead inside.I would give anything to feel like im living and not just existing like i am now.My main wish is to feel`loved and wanted.<3
NOLA said:
I know the feeling 100%. For the last two years I have had a banner in my bedroom stating in big block letters sating "YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO LIVE" as a reminder that while suicide seems the only logical answer to my problems I cant do it due to the effects it would have on my family who arent deserving of having to bury their kid. Im lonely, hopeless, void of any emotion and suffer neurobiological disorders in addition to my severe addiction problems. Living wih OCD and Bipolar are shit. Having no one understand the hell I live in is shittier. Drugs (in my case opiates) are the only thing that quiets the demons. Yet as soon as the drugs wear off I feel like an even larger piece of shit. Ive spent the better part of today contemplating suicide as I do about once a week. I dont feel Im dying inside as much as Im already dead inside. I can look to the past and see myself in various states of living. When I look to the future I see nothing at all.

Some days suck worse than others but the inability to talk about it with family and freinds is the worst part. Sadly, i "talk" about it with heroin, opana and little orange capped syringes. I love my family but i dont feel worthy of love myself. Havent dated in years unless you count my ongoing relationship with opiates. I know ill cave at some point but Im not yet to a place where suicide outweighs the pain Ill inflict on the family who did the best by me that any family could. They know about the OCD/Bipolar but only my brother whos a doctor understands what that means in terms of the shitty existence I live in and even he only understandts 10% of it.

I feel for you in a big way and am in a fucked up way glad to hear Im not the only one. I have no freinds anymore unless dealers count as freinds. If my family knew what was really going on they'd probably rather I had killed myself. I feel like Im in a no win situation.

Imagine being in an ocean trying not to drown and desperately trying to keep your head above water for that life sustaining oxygen. For me life is the ocean and drugs are the life sustaining option. But 15 years later Im ready to concede and just drown since the drugs are making things worse rather than better by now.

I wish I had an answer for you other than "I understand completely" but I dont. If I did I wouldnt be where I am now. All I can suggest is to take it one day at a time. Ive "attempted" to kill myself with swallowing an entire bottle of xanax, by shooting hot shots of opana, by wandering in the hood at night hoping to get shot etc. since my family could take that as, while tragic, an accident. Something a shotgun to the head wont allow. But for now I just try to get by hoping somthing will change at some point though I know it wont. Personally I wish I were dead right now but I cant do that to my family who loves me. I find myself in a no win situation where one more day seems like one day too many.

I am highly religious (im a very bad Christian but a Christian nonetheless) and I know God will sort this out one way or the other in due time. All I can suggest is that if you are religious then pray for strenght. Pray for mercy. Pray for guidance. That said, Ive been doing those things and maybe thats how i got this far....but it doesnt do anything to keep me from viewing the future as a black abyss that is destined to get worse rather than better.

Whether your religious or not, when I say my prayers tonight for strenght to simply not hurt the only 4 ppl who love me Ill be including you in them as well. Lifes a fucked up place. OCD/Bipolar make it even more fucked up. Drugs quiet a lot of the shit rolling around in my head but ultimately lead to other shit that has to be dealt with concurrently. I honestly have no idea what to do with myself other than pray htat when the time comes that I cross the line that God will provide the necessary peace to my family since its not their issue.

Remember also, God knows exactly who and what we are and doesnt expect us to be perfect. You'll be judged based on what you were given to work with, not what the ideal is. Sadly, I feel if I went through with it tonight as Ive contemplated all day that my eternal soul wold be in less peril than the family I left behind. Im out of ideas, out of willpower, out of hope and out of the desire to keep moving on. Ill pray for you tonight and ask that anyone whos religious do the same for me. Lifes hard. I hope death is easy...
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Thank you all for you help and support, I can always count on my bluelight friends :) I apologise for taking so long to answer back, I had a little accident (od) and had to go to the hospital so I'm just trying to get better now. There really is no one in my life to talk to, none of my friends are close anymore, and my family doesn't know the difference between crack and marijuana, they've never been much help because they don't know how to deal with these sort of things. Theyll either be really dramatic and go into an irritating panic that leads nowhere and or go back to their business and pretend nothing happened, they prefer to live in their head. I am getting a new therapist tho, I hope that he'll be different but I still don't think he or anyone can help me, I have social anxiety and I can't form relationships, I can't form connections with people and that's what worries me.

And thank you NOLA for your honest response, it's a comfort knowing im not the only one who feels this way. I wish I had someone like you to talk to in the real world.
 
There are a lot of us who know that you stand between a downhill and a cliff. It is up to you to say: STOP. i'm sure you must have heard these words a thousands times but remember one thing: Do it partly for the people that love you, but most OF ALL do it for yourself. I also know the feeling and it still haunts me, a small part of this emptyness will accompany you till the end, but trust me you can achieve happiness even with that shadow.It will be a mark on your 'soul' forever,like a scar that heals over time but leaves its mark. And unlike they say i believe that even 'souls' can be healed. To the pessimistic part now...don't fool yourself, it all comes down to brain chemistry, and there the roads diverse as to the solution, it depends on the person. It really saddens me that you felt this at such a young age but as a great poet said once: TIME IS THE BEST HEALER, and you have plenty of time ahead of you.
 
^thank you, I actually agree that time is what it takes to get better, it just sucks cus I don't know how much. Missykins, my family found out that night. by "getting better" I meant recovering physically from the overdose, I felt really sick for a few days and I'm still sore from the paramedics. In all honesty tho I'm not really getting better because I'm still doing heroin.
 
It may sound quite silly, but if you can't trust anyone enough to talk to in person, a doctor can recommend a therapist. Male/Female, whatever you're most comfortable with.
Personally, I think it's better to speak to someone you don't know i.e. Psychologist. It will stay with them and they are there to help!
The only reason I'm saying this is because you mentioned the suicidal thoughts and getting hooked onto Heroin. The further you venture down that path the harder it may get to come back, especially with the inner-peace feeling Heroin gives you...

I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong Miss Malena! =D
 
^thank you for your advice(: I actually do have a therapist and a psychiatrist, I just can't trust them with my big problems. If I tell them I'm feeling suicidal or that I'm still doing heroin they'll tell my parents and also I'm afraid that they'll put me somewhere, like those places where they help addicts or somewhere where they'll have me on watch so I don't hurt myself. And that's not where I want to go, I don't think that could help me.
 
Miss Malena, why do you think that rehab couldn't help you? Having to hide this from everyone in your life is too much for anyone to bear. Can you say what your fears are about entering a program?

<3
 
MissMalena said:
^thank you for your advice(: I actually do have a therapist and a psychiatrist, I just can't trust them with my big problems. If I tell them I'm feeling suicidal or that I'm still doing heroin they'll tell my parents and also I'm afraid that they'll put me somewhere, like those places where they help addicts or somewhere where they'll have me on watch so I don't hurt myself. And that's not where I want to go, I don't think that could help me.
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Coming from someone who's been there, you'd probably benefit from being "put somewhere." You're suicidal, and your recent heroin overdose has not prevented you from returning to the use of heroin.

I'm going to ask you the same question that Herbavore asked you: what is it about residential treatment that frightens you?
 
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I was in exactly the same position as you MissMalena! OMFG, like exactly the same. To this day I'm not sure it was the best thing I could have done, but I did eventually make the decision to come clean about my ongoing heroin use to, first, my psychologist (who's specialty was addiction) and then to my mom. Basically everyone freaked out and send me to rehab. TBH, I'm not sure how much good it did me. Two, technically three, rehabs and about 3/4 of a year later, I'm finally better off than I ever was on drugs. However, the rehabs were by no means fun experiences. I think they were good for me because, A) they taught me some good tools I can use and B) more so they scared the shit out of me. Rehab sucked! I mean, it's not supposed to be fun. But it really, in a certain sense, scared me, even scarred me, to the point where I just DO NOT want to ever do heroin again because I DO NOT want to ever end up in rehab again.

Well, frankly, an intensive outpatient program and a good doctor and the right medication (suboxone + others) were what did it. I have a feeling it wasn't necessary for me to suffer through the experiences I had in rehab (although I ended up getting forced to go to rather strict, dogmatic bootcamp style rehabs) to get to where I am today, clean and sober and living a good, healthy, productive life, but who knows... I wouldn't change a thing.

Rehab, however, won't kill you. Far from it. And it will make you stronger. I'd honestly consider just saying fuck it, giving in to those around you who do want to support you and see you get better and just give in and go. Try it out. It'll only be for a relatively short period of time, and you will certainly learn a lot while you're there.

Then again, if you heart isn't into it, like mine wasn't when I had to go, you will only get so much out of it. Ultimately it's up to you to change yourself.

OH and btw, getting it off my chest, and not having to hold it in and keep it a search, that I was a heroin addict I mean, well, that surely did me A LOT of good. Like I said, not sure how much good rehab did me, but allowing myself to be honest about my struggles and condition was really really therapeutic. Just being able to talk honestly about myself with someone important to me help lay the ground work for getting a really solid program going, such as the one I've got today.

Honesty can be an amazing, extraordinarily powerful tool.

To the OP (don't know why, but felt like this song was relevant): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvSgLHWR16o
 
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Your situation reminds me of a peom by Howard Goodman that helps me when I feel like your feeling. There is help out there for you if you will accept it. I think rehab would be a good idea so you can get stronger. You need to believe in you. Get to know your self, and love yourself.

"The Roses of Life"

I've dreamed many dreams
that never came true; I've seen them vanish at dawn.
But I've realized enough of my dreams, thank God,
To make me want to dream on.

I've prayed many prayers,
when no answers came,
Though I waited so patient and long, But answers came
to enough of my prayers
To make me keep praying on.

I've trusted many of friend
who failed
And left me to weep alone,
But I've found enough of my friends to be true.
To make me keep trusting on.

I've sown many seeds
that fell by the way
For the birds to feed upon,
But I've held enough golden sheaves in my hands
To make me keep sowing on.

I've drained the cup of dissappointment and pain
And gone many days without song,
But I've sipped enough nectar from the roses of life
To make me want to live on.
 
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