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I'm Definitively Going To Be Making Some Changes. Now.

Joey

Joey

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 22, 2015
Messages
7,335
Location
Canada
I've admitted to this is spots here and there, but have now fully realized and not to mention been helped to the conclusion that I've doing myelf a disservice to myself by perpetuating certain situations and behaving certain ways. In order to be healthy, I need to bresk off from my friend Kevin relationally 100%. It is causing me way too much pain and grief to be going through what I am going through with him for reasons I'm not going to fully expand on here. This post is more about my posting style here anyway.

I have been clowning you guys, partially for so long. I admit that I'm doing it sometimes, and one of the only things I have going for me is that I have my honest and serious side too. Not that I'm ever lying really, but I am fucking you guys about all the time with my ridiculous sense of humour. You know? The sheer amount if times I'll make some crack instead of going and helping someone with some real harm reduction advice. The writing is on the wall. I have also been drugging myself to death because I'm in so much pain. That's the thing. I'm in so much pain.

I am going to DIE a clown if I dont make these major changes in my life personallty and how I conduct myself online. The humour is real and I do have that sense of it, but I am going to adjusting my behavior seriously back more to my reality and more who I am than this. I'm sorry guys. I've been a fool. I want out of this. I'm not leaving or any bullshit just smartening up. I'm almost 30 it's time to act like it.
 
Hey Alex. That’s a really interesting post you’ve made. You are not the only tweaker to let his runaway stimulated ‘sense of humour’ get away from what his straight self would think is reasonable. We all do it and I’ve noticed more of it happening. I’ve posted things lately while high that I thought were amusing but later realised were “off brand” for the way I want to contribute to Bluelight. I’ve been thinking about it a lot today.

So you are definitely not alone. Nor are you the only very sad clown.

However I reckon BL needs to be entertaining just as much as it needs to be interesting and informative. As such please don’t wind your sense of humour back too much - we all need to laugh.

However, I think we tweakers will probably do well if we restrict ourselves to The Lounge and Tweak Empire for a while when high. As we are both Admins we should encourage other tweaked out members to do the same. In fact it would be good to have less of it in the Lounge too I think.

You do make a really great comtribution to the Forum and I’ve seen you give good HR advice from time to time so don’t worry that much about what you’ve been doing.
 
Great talking to you today man. As I said, a lot of truth is said in jest. Never lose that ability to laugh when you feel like crying, but don't use it as a shield. Most people will see through it. Rooting for you, as you know.

BK.
 
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Thanks guys. I'm not changing who I am at all just my "brand" as Atelier put it. Chances are I'm gonna still post some shitshow stuff, especiallty in these coming days as I try to make the adjustment and I'm still high and I'm upset about a lot of stuff. This is a major overhaul both personally and professionally. I won't pull my punches, just gonna make them less often and towards the right directive I hope. Meaning not at my integrity and at the expense of those surrounding me.
 
Holy fuck I just did some tokes and almost feel sick for some reason. I think I need to maybe cut this session short with the drugs too today. Gonna chill for a hot minute here.
 
I've really appreciated the few lines we've exchanged. It's fantastic you still have a sense of humour if you're feeling as you describe.
If you want to PM and shoot some shit, troll someone, rage out; I'm here dude.
Just so you know, I don't want you pullin' punches if we chat. I love people who's fucked up humor hits like shiny dusters on a Colgate-smile.

I guess I'm a masochist when it comes to humour. If people can get a laugh from my silly and foolish behaviour, it makes me happy.

Anyways, kudos for reaching that insight, and for caring about strangers on a forum.
Cheers mate.
 
pulverstaden said:
I've really appreciated the few lines we've exchanged. It's fantastic you still have a sense of humour if you're feeling as you describe.
If you want to PM and shoot some shit, troll someone, rage out; I'm here dude.
Just so you know, I don't want you pullin' punches if we chat. I love people who's fucked up humor hits like shiny dusters on a Colgate-smile.

I guess I'm a masochist when it comes to humour. If people can get a laugh from my silly and foolish behaviour, it makes me happy.

Anyways, kudos for reaching that insight, and for caring about strangers on a forum.
Cheers mate.
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Thank you man Ive enjoyed our exchanges so far as well. You can join my discord if you just want to chat voice or video man. Its been a pretty good spot for a lot us here lately and its easier than shooting the shit in PM. If not Ill PM no problem though, nothing wrong with that either. It sounds like we have some key points in common so Id like that.

discord.gg

Discord - Group Chat That’s All Fun & Games

Discord is great for playing games and chilling with friends, or even building a worldwide community. Customize your own space to talk, play, and hang out.
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Not feeling so sick from those tokes anymore, phew. Thank God that passed quick.
 
Lockdown presses us here south of the border to make bad decisions. I get to festivals which are uncertain for 2021. They are fun and a good time. Music is always therapeutic tho not to force it. You don't wanna end up in jail or a hospital, but it could be a learning experience. Easier said than done.
 
ions said:
Lockdown presses us here south of the border to make bad decisions. I get to festivals which are uncertain for 2021. They are fun and a good time. Music is always therapeutic tho not to force it. You don't wanna end up in jail or a hospital, but it could be a learning experience. Easier said than done.
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Im sorry I dont quite understand. You suggesting I vent it out by hitting a festival? Ive been considering going to a rave for months my first time to blow off some steam. I think theres still an underground scene in Toronto although people are getting more serious about covid now as the cases are literally sky high and full lockdown again since Dec 26.
 
Heh @Alex_1991 More so I'm curious as Canada is handling. New York has the bestivals considering it hosted woodstock. Yasgurs, Harvest Fest, Froggy Daze are all good. Maybe you could put one on. I Never really went to raves unless disco biscuits in NYC counts. You do you alex. ;)
 
@Alex_1991

Do what's healthy and makes sense to you.

But consider holding on to your inner child. Maybe just using it in different ways. Your call just a suggestion because your "clowning" could be seen as a source of light too, and maybe cathartic for yourself, in this crazy world.
 
madness00 said:
@Alex_1991

Do what's healthy and makes sense to you.

But consider holding on to your inner child. Maybe just using it in different ways. Your call just a suggestion because your "clowning" could be seen as a source of light too, and maybe cathartic for yourself, in this crazy world.
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This is the other side to it too. I cant say what other people think but it is cathartic to say what I say sometimes. Ive just found myself at an extreme suddenly, or recognized it, that Im wanting some kind of titular change in my life and changing things means I have to change right? So what do I change? How much?

this is one of my main 2 ideas right now and actually a lot of credit is given to bk38
 
I already backed out on one of my changes somewhat but still keeping the pace. Told Kevin im cutting it off sexually completely and next fuckin thing someone came over for a 3way we werent expecting necessarily. Wanted to meet me too... fuck it! That was fun!

anyway im not pursuing him on my own or romantically anymore. Im holding true there. Its too unhealthy. What a fuckin joke life is though eh? This is kind of really funny in the sick irony sense.

i also came clean about my using. That was not in my list of changes initially but im so glad i did. Thank god that monkeys off my back.
 
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