bbgirlclueless
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 2, 2012
- Messages
- 140
guys i know this is long but do help
ive just turned 26 and got engaged some months ago and i live in a more eastern society,in india basically, where women arent dominant...
regretfully i have social anxiety disorder and a hard time generally talking to people,however three years ago i started using benzodiazepines and an opiate and without realizing was addicted.i live with my siblings and parents and its hard to understand but indian women tend to live with family until they marry,it doesnt make sense.however two years ago my family found out about my drug use,they tried to keep me at home to make me stop,i tried to not stop because social anxiety was crippling,i was caught multiple times,i still cringe about that..until they banned me from going out completely to basically protect me from myself,and ive been sober for three months and STILL IN WITHDRAWAL...used benzos for social anxiety,which was and is a big problem.
right now i really dont know who to talk to,i can only say that ive sobered up for almost three months,basically waken up from a dream to realize that my fiance is not a nice person and wonder how i lost so much perspective,he has two personalities,sometimes very very caring and loving,and another that is very insecure needy and easily hurt and angered,he has these personaities with everyone.i hate to think he has a borderline tendency,he gets jealous of people who are close to me.i feel generally that i cant keep him happy and he generally wants to keep me happy but worries about failing too,if we fight he can call me names,say really mean things and accuse me of motives that are not true.
he does not have a problem with my past or present drug use,he seems okay with me taking benzos if i want to..i had to tell him because benzodiazepine withdrawal was/and is taking its toll on me and on our relationship but he does not,can not acknowledge that sometimes i get really beat down with withdrawal tension or depression...i think he blames himself or does not realize that benzodiazepine withdrawal could be real.i dont think i can talk to him because i literally meet a wall, and recently he wanted me to accompany him to a friends get together but i just couldnt make it and literally felt sick with anxiety, panic,something that didnt happen when not on benzos.
i honestly dont want to hurt him and just feel so,so beat down,
i think maybe he might be happier without me,but he says he would hurt himself if that happens,and im scared of that.
there are some people who have so much anxiety they find it hard to function without benzodiazepines and i might be one of them,given my way i would take them and be functional and try to go back and enter my job,i have a hard enough time simply trying to look at my family and talking to them or anyone else that i dont know what to do at all.my fiance lets me know that taking these things is okay with him and all i have to do is ask him and that definitely is an attraction (i know that it doesnt sound but they get rid of the anxiety along with depression,
a few days ago i was planning my life and now i dont know what the future holds,i simply felt quite in control and now im finding it hard to acompany him and feeling so guilty.i know people this is way too long and basically a ramble but...ANY ADVICE?
ive just turned 26 and got engaged some months ago and i live in a more eastern society,in india basically, where women arent dominant...
regretfully i have social anxiety disorder and a hard time generally talking to people,however three years ago i started using benzodiazepines and an opiate and without realizing was addicted.i live with my siblings and parents and its hard to understand but indian women tend to live with family until they marry,it doesnt make sense.however two years ago my family found out about my drug use,they tried to keep me at home to make me stop,i tried to not stop because social anxiety was crippling,i was caught multiple times,i still cringe about that..until they banned me from going out completely to basically protect me from myself,and ive been sober for three months and STILL IN WITHDRAWAL...used benzos for social anxiety,which was and is a big problem.
right now i really dont know who to talk to,i can only say that ive sobered up for almost three months,basically waken up from a dream to realize that my fiance is not a nice person and wonder how i lost so much perspective,he has two personalities,sometimes very very caring and loving,and another that is very insecure needy and easily hurt and angered,he has these personaities with everyone.i hate to think he has a borderline tendency,he gets jealous of people who are close to me.i feel generally that i cant keep him happy and he generally wants to keep me happy but worries about failing too,if we fight he can call me names,say really mean things and accuse me of motives that are not true.
he does not have a problem with my past or present drug use,he seems okay with me taking benzos if i want to..i had to tell him because benzodiazepine withdrawal was/and is taking its toll on me and on our relationship but he does not,can not acknowledge that sometimes i get really beat down with withdrawal tension or depression...i think he blames himself or does not realize that benzodiazepine withdrawal could be real.i dont think i can talk to him because i literally meet a wall, and recently he wanted me to accompany him to a friends get together but i just couldnt make it and literally felt sick with anxiety, panic,something that didnt happen when not on benzos.
i honestly dont want to hurt him and just feel so,so beat down,
i think maybe he might be happier without me,but he says he would hurt himself if that happens,and im scared of that.
there are some people who have so much anxiety they find it hard to function without benzodiazepines and i might be one of them,given my way i would take them and be functional and try to go back and enter my job,i have a hard enough time simply trying to look at my family and talking to them or anyone else that i dont know what to do at all.my fiance lets me know that taking these things is okay with him and all i have to do is ask him and that definitely is an attraction (i know that it doesnt sound but they get rid of the anxiety along with depression,
a few days ago i was planning my life and now i dont know what the future holds,i simply felt quite in control and now im finding it hard to acompany him and feeling so guilty.i know people this is way too long and basically a ramble but...ANY ADVICE?