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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I'm broken

low self esteem is an understatement. I feel like my hearts been ripped out of my chest and all i wanted to do was make it work. He Didnt. More fool me. As for pretending to be strong i know i can't do that. I can't face him yet i have to cos we have kids. I don't feel strong enough to go through that. I know i will get there in the end but I'm so scared. I can't imagine life without this man. Seeing him play with our son made me the happiest person alive and now its gone. I have to be strong for my kids.
 
my kids are everything to me Thats unconditional. I don't know how I'd cope right now without my son here with me. Just hearing him breathe while he sleeps reminds me that he needs me.
 
i just broke up with a ex 2 months ago. It's hard and one person is always not ready for the relationship to end, but it happens. I have dumped and been dumped. Its hard on both sides regardless who is leaving who.

One thing though. You say his problems are deep? Maybe yours are to? Look into yourself...maybe there are things you need to fix just like the rest of us. Then this may not happen again when you find your next man.

As for money what about family? friends? a loan? trying to find better work or getting a job to begin with. Plus the UK has good social programs i hear. There has to be something out there that you can do to get back on your feet. One tip i have to say for next time is this..its more of a story example. When i was 18 i moved out with my ex and her friends. They were always short on rent or asking for my food etc. My point is dont be dependant on anyone for there half of the rent(unless you have no choice) and live on your on. Then when shit hits the fan in the relationship you are not totally dependant on the person. I learned this the hard way when my ex walked out half way through our lease that my name was on because i was a year older. She fucked me and no one will ever do the same. My advice to you is protect yourself in the same way. I NEED no one now, and it feels good. Btw im not rich. I work for 12 an hour with benifits (a couple bucks above minimum wage in canada) So my point is it can be done

Good luck and i hope you feel better to. Its sucks were all so fucking unhappy and lonely.
 
Thankyou for your post. I do have Deep problems i am reliant on this man or was. I don't like leaving the house without him and i don't sleep well and struggle to get up early. I have some amazing family and friends that have helped me out. As for cash i have a little but my outgoings are more plus in his name such as internet phone sky tv contract phone. We spoke after he's played some pretty dirty tricks to hurt me even after he walked out and broke my heart. I've said some nasty things after hearing he went to a rave last night and took drugs Whilst i was suffering at home with the kids but text him this morning to agree to be civil for the kids. He still wants to hurt me more tho and was pushing for an argument despite my attempts to keep the situation calm and only discuss the kids and financial things. I'm done now. I love him but i don't need him anymore and he's been downright evil. I don't love the him he is lately i love the him he used to be. I'm grieving for the loss of that man. His attempts to get a reaction tho are making it easier for me to move on though.
 
xpensivtaste said:
I'm done now. I love him but i don't need him anymore and he's been downright evil. I don't love the him he is lately i love the him he used to be. I'm grieving for the loss of that man. His attempts to get a reaction tho are making it easier for me to move on though.
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I think it sounds very healthy that you have moved to this point in your thinking. It makes sense to grieve the loss of what you had before but it is extremely powerful to recognize that it is different in the present. You will begin to build new and different support systems now and that is good. If it gets too stressful to discuss the kids and financial changes, can you go to a family services mediator? Sometimes it helps when everyone is simply too emotional to have a thord party that can bring it back to the practical. Since he is the father of your children, your lives will be entangled no matter what. Whatever you can do to make the relationship healthy will make everything so much better for you and your children (and for him, too). I encourage you to get some help while you are going through this. The stress of this situation would be bad enough but to have your hormones still in flux after recently giving birth and to be sleep deprived with a nursing baby can make the situation unbearable. I'm so glad that you have family and friends that can help. Don't be afraid to ask--we often see it as being weak but it really takes enormous strength to ask for help. Good luck.

P.S. It made me cry when I read your words about listening to your new little son breathing. I am so glad that you are letting that miracle in even while dealing with such a negative situation otherwise. He deserves, and you deserve, to be held in that sacred place that follows birth, and to take it all in.
 
thankyou herbavore <3 its really hit the fan now. i was very civil with him and really worked hard not to rise to anything and it backfired. he pushed and pushed me for a reaction and after not getting one he came to see our son this afternoon and kicked off, he told me he was taking my stuff and wouldnt let me go upstairs out of the way. he didnt come to see his son he came to argue. he ended up pushing me with my baby boy in my arms then when i was trying to carry his stuff out he grabbed me by the throat and elbowed me in the face infront of our kids which resulted in the police getting called. he left and is now texting abuse and lies to cover his back. all i wanted was to keep things calm for the kids now i have been advised by the police to change my number and seek legal help tomorrow and he is not to see the kids unsupervised. i never wanted this. any of it at all. i didnt wanna lose him but i know now its right. i didnt want my son to lose his dad but he made sure of that when he came over all guns blazing. he wouldnt leave, he was abusive and downright nasty to me. so much for civil. my best friend contacted him in disgust and he told her a pack of lies. its almost as though he believes it. i am done now. he has gotten me to my lowest point in my life ever. i will be strong though for my kids. oh and he told me he didnt touch any drugs when he went to the rave friday, i now know he begged my brother and his fiance to go cos no one else was going and that he took drugs. i am so empty, have not eaten properly, slept properly (he made sure of that last night when he text and woke my son up in an 'attempt to be nice' he says. all he put was 'night.' i hope he is happy with him self.
 
arrrgh this is just so god damn hard. i just need an outlet please don't think i am being a moaning cow, my life is a constant minute to minute struggle right now. i am sick of burdening my friends and family. i just wanna write my feelings down, like somehow that helps? i dunno.....
THE MAN
if he doesnt want to be with me thats fine, i will learn to cope, i have got this far but why all the bullshit? why the nastiness!? yeah i have looked for support from friends but i have not gone out and taken drugs, i have not caused endless arguments over stupid things, sent endless texts of abuse. i just dont understand.
he's turned into a psycho.
never known him be like this. EVER.
they say you never really know a person until you divorce them. thank god we didnt get married but its similar thing when kids involved, you cant just walk away. really seeing this evil character come out of him.
the caring, loving daddy and fiance who used to run me a bath with candles and rose pettles and notes on the stairs leading to a poem. the man who would play with his son for hours making him giggle with all he had, i would get tears in my eyes just watching them together, the man who couldnt go half hour without texting me to say hi when we were apart. the man who proposed to me at my favourite music event, the man who held my hand and cried at the birth of our son, took care of me when i was suffering from an illness i needed surgery for. its all gone. he has gone!
i am grieving the loss of that man and introduced to a world of shit by this new one and for what? i did nothing but try. i wanted to work things out, try councelling, anything. i changed my ways numerous times after an argument in the hopes that it would solve our issues, i am aware it was not just him. he did not even try. he'd walk out and come back when, and only when i begged. then its all my fault. he can come back and not even be sorry and do it all over again a few months later when he is feeling down and needs me to feel bad for him, make him feel needed. this time i have not begged, i have got angry but i soon calmed and told him i was wrong to kick off. i told him i know its the right decision. i know its right in my head. i deserve better. i miss that man though. the man who told me he would love me forever and a day. where did he go? why were our problems unsolvable to him but not to me? i thought we could get through anything together.
i need to get strong. i am getting there bit by bit. i will always have a special place in my heart for him, or the him he used to be. i have so many questions. so many feelings. just when i think i am strong enough i break down again.
one thing i will take away from this is its put me off drugs for life. they had more control over him than me and when i needed to break free he couldn't, didnt want to. i am finding that i can get up in the morning, i can leave my house and i can get through this. i have to for my children.
i am sorry i wasn't enough for him, i am sorry for sinking and i am sorry i let things get so bad when i thought everything was gonna be fine.
wow!
 
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