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I'm broken

xpensivtaste

xpensivtaste

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 29, 2008
Messages
605
Location
uk
the man i love with every inch of my heart just walked out on me. My relationship began to go down hill after the birth of my son. I have tonight come to terms with the fact i have severe post natal depression after 11 months. My partner or ex is battling depression also and we frequently used drugs but decided changes need to be made and this hit him hard. I've tried my absolute best to make things work but his lack of trying frustrated me. We've argued a lot lately and tonight he left. I smashed up my tv out of frustration i feel like such an idiot for that but i Couldnt stand to watch him pack his things. I know there's no going back now and i feel broken. His problems are Deep and when we argued despite my attempts to calm the situation he would not stop til i was dug into the ground. I knew it was coming as things have been so hard lately but i still love him and i never wanted this. I struggle to be on my own as my anxiety is very bad. My I've lost everything as he was the breadwinner. Paid my phone, internet, bills. Not only have i lost the man i was supposed to marry, the father to my children but i am now at risk of losing my home, my means of contact with the outside world which is another problem as my anxiety prevents me from leaving the house alone. I don't feel like i can cope. I'm listening to my son breathing in his cot and i think if i couldn't here that sound i would not be here right now. I feel like a failure. I put my all into making it work and strongly believed we could get through this as everyone knows the first year of having a baby is the hardest. I thought we were soul mates. He's my best friend and i can't function without him. I'm crushed and the pain is excruciating. If no one replies Thats fine i just need an outlet. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. Sorry for the block of writing I'm on my phone. I'm burnin so bad right now
 
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'd also recommend calling someone, anyone that could help, even if it's only moral support right now. Break-ups are one of the toughest things to go through but I'm sure you'll pull through. Just think of your child and how much you mean to him.
 
they've been here all night, they were trying to talk to my partner or ex as they are aware of his temper and problems and tried to talk him round so he'd discuss things with me but his mind is made up. They are very supportive but nothing can ease the pain right now. They told me to call if i need them but its late and i don't want to burden them. They have work in the morning. I'm calmer than i was but the hole in my heart is still there and i can't cope with the fact that tomorrow its gonna be real. He's gonna be round to see our kids and i dunno how i will cope seeing him. I just wanna sleep but i can't
 
Do you think there is any opportunity to seek some therapy for your relationship? I suspect you are in the US but it may well be similar.

My partner recently starting going to counselling sessions and next week I will go on my own as well, in time we will both go together, what we have is worth fighting for especially our children. My drug use and mental illness hasn't helped over the last few years but as always is almost always a 2 way street.

Thing are rarely broken beyond repair if there is a will to find a way to make a whole again ...maybe the pieces need putting back in a different order.

I hope things get better for you and your family, keep looking there is often a way to make things work better if we can truly talk to each other<3
 
It sounds like you guys just had a blow-out...He probably just left to blow off steam..A real man won't just walk out his kid....

I'm the type of person that breaks shit myself! A year ago, I just straight up punched my laptop screen and broke it...Two days later, I felt like an idiot ordering a new one...lol

Communication is key, it's stressful having a kid involved....I don't have any myself
 
Thankyou atm. It's good to hear there is hope for you and your partner. I always thought there would be for us. Unfortunately I'm not in the us. In the UK I'm not sure how it works but my partner has had his first councilling session yesterday. I know i need help to with my problems but I've been so busy focusing on him i neglected my own. He wont talk now. His mind is made up. I get a slight sense he Didnt wanna leave but he's so stubborn e will never back down and after being asked by my friends if this is what he really wants he said yes. He's done this before but never packed his things and came back that night or the next day. It was his way of getting a reaction out of me. I'd beg him to work things out and he'd feed off it to make himself feel needed. You might wonder why i put up with that. Its because i know he's screwed up in his head but when its good its so good. He's a loving partner and a fantastic dad. I think this time is the real deal though. Even if its not i can't take him back as i owe it to myself not to let him treat me this way. Whilst i was sat on my bed crying he came upstairs and sat at the end silent. Ten minutes passed and i asked if he wanted to talk. He said no he's just come to pack his things. I felt like he was taunting me. Thats why i flipped. I wish i could say we'd try therapy, i would try anything but he doesn't want anything. He's given up. The daily stress of life, work, a toddler, money worries and both of us in Deep depression and anxiety have gotten too much. The drugs were his release and without them he doesn't feel he can be happy. I used to be the same but i began to resent that life. Ultimately us discussing quitting and me not rising to his temper in a last attempt at making things work has lost me everything. I am powerless and i feel like i don't deserve this yet i have no choice.
 
hi blue hues. Sorry if Thats spelt wrong i can't see on my phone. I wish it was a blow out. This thing has happened a few times just never like this. Usually he just drives off and comes back that night or next day and we talk it through. He's never been so adamant. Even though i tried to talk to him all he could say was he's got nothing left in him.
 
Is he still using, maybe? Maybe he's just using this as an excuse to go get high for awhile! Drugs complicate everything!
 
thankyou kind people so much. I am going to try and sleep now. You've all taken the time to read my thread and reply. I can not tell you what that means to me. Just the vent has helped me get things off my chest and calmed my anxiety a little. Thankyou
 
oh sorry blue, he's never used behind my back. Its a weekend thing. Some people go out and drink. We liked to get high. I dunno if its the drug thing. Only Friday he said to me i am more important to him than drugs so he'd work at giving up. There's no physical addiction only mental but he's in much deeper than i ever was. I just had the influence of him which i let become a problem too. I can't answer for sure but i think its just gone too far. The relationship has run its course. Atleast for him it has.
 
I've been there, I convinced myself the only thing to do is move out, I've even looked at flats but i the end I've never really got close to actually doing it.

My advic would be not to try and talk him out of it rather just ensure he knows that is no what you want but if that is what he is intent on doing how is it going to work with the kids etc.

I just wanted to run away mainly from the responsibility and expectation, it just seemed like I was working a job that was/is the thing that allows us to lead the life we do, the house the cars, the largely lack of concern over money, in many ways it; not a spiritually fulling job but in ohter ways I should think myself lucky it is well paid, some people do much worse fro much lss.

I have felt trapped and with my anxiety and depression that I've let her and my kids down...they would be better off without me....This is simply not true my kids love me for who I am, we have good times and I love them dearly and ensure they get the affection I felt I lacked as a child, my wife and I have been together other 25 years and our expectations from our relationship are high.

What is required to keep that relationship on tack is constant reassessment in all areas all he time, people change a circumstances change and we have to adapt, make new agreement and compromises. As an example my wife was really pissed I'd been doing speed but hand not old her. I knew she knew I's been doing so but that was taking liberties TBH, this week I told her and did a line or 3 in front of her and she was fine....problem solved no I understand what it was.

Keep talking sometimes the simple thinks can start to get you back on track, 25 years has to count from something
 
the important thing, in my experience, is a support system. you have your baby and you're right, that does make your life much more important. not just to you, but to others... your boyfriend may have been the 'breadwinner' but it isn't necessarily easier when you are and you s/o is your mental/emotional life support machine and that gets cut off. it sounds like he was both? =[ lean on others who can help you so you are not alone. your baby's life will probably be better without the fucked up dynamic. it sounds like you made the right decision. i have no experience with having children, but i would imagine that a non live-in situation would be better for the child of an addict who is too apathetic to change himself for the better of your family. i mean he isn't even bothering to lie to you and profess to being able to change. sounds like he just doesn't give a shit. you really can't afford to write off consistently fucked up behavior as having a "temper" anymore, can you?
 
xpensivtaste said:
Thankyou atm. It's good to hear there is hope for you and your partner. I always thought there would be for us. Unfortunately I'm not in the us. In the UK I'm not sure how it works but my partner has had his first councilling session yesterday. I know i need help to with my problems but I've been so busy focusing on him i neglected my own. He wont talk now. His mind is made up. I get a slight sense he Didnt wanna leave but he's so stubborn e will never back down and after being asked by my friends if this is what he really wants he said yes. He's done this before but never packed his things and came back that night or the next day. It was his way of getting a reaction out of me. I'd beg him to work things out and he'd feed off it to make himself feel needed. You might wonder why i put up with that. Its because i know he's screwed up in his head but when its good its so good. He's a loving partner and a fantastic dad. I think this time is the real deal though. Even if its not i can't take him back as i owe it to myself not to let him treat me this way. Whilst i was sat on my bed crying he came upstairs and sat at the end silent. Ten minutes passed and i asked if he wanted to talk. He said no he's just come to pack his things. I felt like he was taunting me. Thats why i flipped. I wish i could say we'd try therapy, i would try anything but he doesn't want anything. He's given up. The daily stress of life, work, a toddler, money worries and both of us in Deep depression and anxiety have gotten too much. The drugs were his release and without them he doesn't feel he can be happy. I used to be the same but i began to resent that life. Ultimately us discussing quitting and me not rising to his temper in a last attempt at making things work has lost me everything. I am powerless and i feel like i don't deserve this yet i have no choice.
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I'm in the UK, have t go t bed know but feel free to PM me if I can b of anyhelp
 
it is Fucked up behaviour. Its wrong in so many ways. He can be the nicest person in the world yet the most difficult to be around when things are not going his way. So much stress has contributed to this. None of us get any sleep. I have become a burden to him as i rely on him so much. I can admit that. Maybe Thats why he's gone. I thought i was doing everything right to the best of my ability. Our kids are well looked after. He never comes home to an untidy house. I show him love and affection. Maybe not as much as he did me but not one night did i go to sleep without a kiss and telling him i loved him. We did things together and as a family. I thought that was enough. Our mentality over the past year has declined so much its destroyed us. I wish he could read all of this not that he Doesn know from my point of view tho. I thought it was worth fighting for. I am leaving him be now. Its just so hard. I can't sleep. My son will be up in a few hours. I'm drained. I just wish he was here in bed with me. None of this shit should have happened.
 
It sounds like you have low self-esteem and that you let him walk all over you! You gotta at least PRETEND to be strong here! You're worth just as much as anyone else! don't let this guy make you feel bad about yourself!
 
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