Im back..a little update..for the people who care.

[thizzin' since 98]

So, the 10 month mark since the worst day of my life is coming up. I ate a bad pill, suspected piperazine, and it set me off and changed my life.

Since that day, I'd say I recovered a mere 40%. I am still plagued with anxiety, just about 24 hours a day, starting from the minute I wake up.

I am very confused, and couldn't make a decision to save my life. My mind is very, very empty, almost like the day after rolling feeling. But that doesn't stop me from functioning. I can still drive, carry on conversations, hang out with my girlfriend, figure out problems, but my mind just feels empty, like nothing else is going on, if that makes sense.

I guess I am depressed as well, but its not a sad, crying, down kind of depressed, its a very blank, almost extreme "bored" feeling.

Just a few days ago, I was listening to music and I suddenly just had to turn it off, it became very annoying and sounded like noise. I went up stairs, turned on my xbox, played for a little bit, but I just felt like a robot.

I then sat on my bed, just feeling completely zoned out, empty, emotionless. So strange. This feeling continued on for days, before slowly fading into something more tolerable.

Lately, I have been having all sorts of sensations, numbness in my left hand, decreased eye sight, numbness on my back, and very strange "wave like" sensations in my head. The only way I can possibly describe it is the feeling you get when you are very high up on a building or roller coaster, and you get the sensation of falling or chills, kind of like that, but throughout my brain for a few minutes. My head then starts buzzing, and I don't know, I just feel weird, then panic sets in.

So what now...it's been 10 months, and I am still suffering. Honestly, should I just break, pop a xanax in the morning and start on antidepressants.

At this point, I AM FUCKING SICK, of feeling bad, everyday, all day. I am only 18 years old. I should be having the time of my life right now. I want to wake up, with no anxiety, start loving the things I used to love, get rid of these sensations, go out a live life.

I know to some of you this is a repeat thread, but my situation really hasn't changed, and I am still seeking input.

Oh, and one last thing, I don't know if this is anxiety related, but I often find myself getting random strange thoughts, like "What are human beings?" "Why do we breathe?" "What is this person thinking right now?" just weird scattered strange thoughts, that you normally never think of, and I feel really weird while all these things are going through my brain.

 

[Darksidesam]

Tbh you describe exactly how i felt/ Thought before i ever even started using drugs (except alcohol) to a Tee.
(Id been drunk 3 times by the age of 19, then first thing i took was an ecstasy pill, since then done quite a bit tee hee)

Especially the weird thoughts "what are human beings , why do we breathe,"
Do you think "why are we here" as well?

Sorry to hear your still in a bad way,
Exercise may help you,
You need to pinpoint something in your life, to make up meaning and reason and purpose.
Whether that be working out and looking in the mirror and being pleased with results and thats who YOU are
or simply just achieving things in life such as finding a loving partner and stuffs.

 

[thizzin' since 98]

Before drugs, a didn't have a problem in the world, I don't understand who one pill can set off this life changing event.

Also, I forgot to add, my brain feels lazy. Like it is stuck in a lazy state. At times, I am too lazy to even carry on a conversation, to express who I am feeling.

I have actually been thinking about making a post on bluelight for the past week now, but I would think about it, have a whole post planned out in my mind, then I would be like fuck it, my mind would go blank, and I would go back to doing nothing.

I hate it :/ before drugs, I was an active musician and skateboarder. All of my creativity is gone.

Sometimes, when I walk outside, things feel fake. If I look at the sky, it just looks like a still painting :/ things feel fake. Especially when I am driving, I will sometimes feel numb, zoned out, just like a robot going from point A to point B.

If I start antidepressants, will all of this go away? Will I be the happy, creative, anxiety free kid I used to be? I would give ever possession I ever owned to feel healthy.

 

[superted66ireland6]

fuck is this still going on!?

sorry to hear this man. was wondering how this would turn out.

do you think this is definitely the fault of the pipes?

could it have triggered something that was already there? rather than it being the actual cause of all this.

best of luck with it dude

 

[fatstep]

It sounds like derealization mixed with anhedonia. This is a prime example why splurging for a testing kit is completely justified

 

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

wouldn't this be more suited to his blog rather than a thread?

 

[snafu]

wouldn't this be more suited to his blog rather than a thread?

Qft

 

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

In other news:
i'm quite high on methylamphetamine

 

[snafu]

I'll see you in the puddle then

 

[LSDMDMA&AMP]

What kind of puddle?
a puddle of melted crystal in a tweak pipe amirite?

 

[cryptix420]

Sounds like you need a girl mate.


Also, I've known a few friends to take prozac/zoloft/etc....it's not a train you wanna board, trust me.

 

[JimSteele]

can you describe the experience that "set you off?" did the experience reveal something dark that you cant shake, or did the actual pill make you feel terrible and you subsequently have not felt Right since?

 

[Darksidesam]

Sounds like you need a girl mate.

I think thats also the same as me, however i did have a partner for nearly 3 years but i am just too mood swingy and she couldnt deal with it,
when on SSRI's im a zombie, and cant get on with my life.

Also, I've known a few friends to take prozac/zoloft/etc....it's not a train you wanna board, trust me.

OP you may be different however lol.

 

[cryptix420]

^ too mood swingy? is that from your mouth or hers? lol.

OP, seriously, I think you just gotta look at this as a life issue, not a drug-side-effect issue. We all deal with times in our life where we question the meaning of everything, when it's hard to even want to get out of bed in the morning.

Your life is what you make of it.....meaning if you just get up, eat, and poop day in and day out, well then that's all your life is gonna be. Now, if you wanna get out there and go to some parties or bars or beaches and meet some people and just do stuff, I bet you'd see a big change. Have you ever seen the movie yes man with jim carrey? Maybe you should check it out.

also..

Oh, and one last thing, I don't know if this is anxiety related, but I often find myself getting random strange thoughts, like "What are human beings?" "Why do we breathe?" "What is this person thinking right now?" just weird scattered strange thoughts, that you normally never think of, and I feel really weird while all these things are going through my brain.

nothing wrong with thinkin that stuff. It's part of the whole altered-state-of-mind scene. You take some of these drugs, you're gonna be asking some questions. I often wish human beings didn't have to breathe....twould be much simpler.

 

[Darksidesam]

^ too mood swingy? is that from your mouth or hers? lol.

We both agreed it was one of the biggest causes of the end of our relationship.

Mindset is very important when you wake up,
and you need to have goals and interests in life.

OP, Do you ever avoid situations simply because the thought of the process and all too tedious/ risky, and overthink it?

 

[cryptix420]

well, luckily, there's close to 3.5 billion other pussies to choose from

 

[Darksidesam]

Very true, but 3.5 Billion pussies would rather choose someone who doesnt go up and down in mood/attitude :D

 

[cryptix420]

lol trust me there's a pussy out there just for you & your bitchy moods. My girlfriend has the worst mood swings but I still love her, so there is hope yet for you.

Just think of your moods as seasons, it's nice to have change. Otherwise it's just damn boring, like how the season never changes here in socal.

 

[StrutterGear]

Go on holiday. Seriously, somewhere sunny, and lay on a beach for a week. If I ever got to the point you're at, that is what I'd do. Go with a girlfriend, or on your own, or with one friend, and fucking chill out for a week... Bet you'll feel better.

 

[First Bad Comedown]

Hang in there.

Thizzin' - glad to see you again.
Sorry you are still feeling so empty.

I know what it is like to try and convince other people how bad it is, only to realize that words are inadequate.
How do you translate the malfunction of the endocrine system into English?

People can read the sentence, but they will never really comprehend how empty and unhuman it feels.
How every day that passes sees another part of your mind chewed away...like a cancer of the soul.
Who would have ever imagined that life could feel so GRAY?

I would say it is 'cold' too, except even that suggests too much sensation.
I could take off my clothes and lie down on the tile in a bank and feel NOTHING.
Well, at least that thought occured to me about two months ago...at my 10 month mark...standing in line at my bank.
I might be able to tell the tile was cold, but it wouldn't feel remarkable in any way. The cold just doesn't penetrate.
There would be no amusement, or embarrasment, by being seen naked on the floor either!

There would be no emotional response whatsoever - and even the simplest sensations like hot and cold utilize emotional pathways in the brain via the endocrine system.

Every sensory experience, from sight to sound to touch, relies on the hypothalamus/pituitary/adrenal axis.
It is here that we find meaning in life.
And without it the term 'robot' makes complete sense.

Not only is the HPA axis not releasing the right chemicals to make you feel good, it is actually working against you - causing an unending cycle of suffering that few can imagine. Perhaps other former drug users understand....heroin, benzos, and cocaine all have particularly nasty recovery processes for heavier users.
Ironic - we were 'moderate' users of MDMA and we get burned just as badly, or worse, than the long-term 'addicts'.
I know - yours may have been pipes, but you understand the inequality even more.

Anheonia and Dp/Dr.
Inadequate words.

Do NOT take anti-depressants, esp. SSRIs.
Many MDMA users do not respond to them, and some respond very badly.
Those that do respond well still have a MAJOR complication down the road.
They stop working as well and require a larger dose.
And many report feeling like 'zombies' on them, unable to feel ANY emotion (inc. anxiety).
While that may sound acceptable to you right now, it won't one day. Especially when they disable all sexual feelings as well.

HPA axis malfunction is seen in major depression and psychotic disorders.
SSRI are known to correct the HPA, but not permanently.
In fact after withdrawal of the medication, HPA function can be WORSE.
Many patients that start anti-depressants find it impossible to ever stop.
They undergo 'maintenance therapy' or they just continue taking them for the rest of their lives.

I have only seen BAD things from people using them for MDMA recovery.
I can recall seeing many warnings against it by people who tried.
They tend to say it cost them recovery time, in a big way.
They also say it stopped working or made them feel emotionless.
A friend of mine, Somedud, spoke out in support of Lexapro right when it began working around week 5.
He literally called it a 'cure' and he was quite amused at his previous suffering.

Within another 5 weeks, approx., he was DONE with them.
He just said they made him feel weird and he didn't like it anymore.
I'm glad he stopped early on and didn't allow himself be moved to another medication right away.
Sometimes this can have terrible results.

Anti-psychotics only work by preventing the manic symptoms....they do not treat the anhedonia and depression.
And they can cause toxicity to an area of the brain that may have already been damaged - the striatum.
Loss of dopamine in this part of the brain is associated with movements disorders, which can be life-long for some patients.
I believe that the grinding of teeth and tight muscles while rolling is caused by dopamine blockade in this area.
But for those 're-wiring' the brain from serotonergic injury, the striatum and palladium may be subject to ongoing degredation.
Some researchers believe that MDMA recovery is in some ways a 'degenerative process' simply because some former users show loss of dopamine in this area.

If you are determined to try an anti-depressant...look into selegeline.
It is a weak amphetamine and an MAOB inhibitor, not an SSRI or dopamine blocker.
It has less serious side-effects compared to other amphetamines like aderall and dexedrine.
And unlike those stimulants, it is also a neuro-protectant. It may prevent degeneration in the striatum...and it protects the serotonin transporter!
It comes in a patch that smooths out the dose, too.
No, I haven't tried it, but I wish I had.

In my judgement it is the safest anti-depressant available for this problem.
It shouldn't interfere with the recovery process, and it may improve it.
I should point out that you probably have TOO much dopamine, in some brain regions.
By increasing dopamine through MAOB inhibition, you will probably target lots of areas that are currently starving for dopamine.
If you didn't know, serotonin directly inhibits dopamine in several of its main pathways - including the striatum.
The 're-wiring' of the brain, which is throwing serotonin all over the place, is fucking up your dopamine balance in a big way.
This is on top of the HPA malfunction.
By increasing dopamine supply, the HPA may improve.

You know what else will increase dopamine?
Exercise.

And it also lowers cortisol levels, which is very important if you are suffering adrenal fatigue.
And it causes resprouting of serotonin axons through the release of nerve-growth factors.
And it increases the number of capillarries in the brain, and synaptic connections.

But you already know all of this.
No, it isn't a cure...and some days are SO hard that working out is the last thing on your mind.
Those are also the days when you will benefit the most from it!

My greatest improvement has always come from exercising when I REALLY didn't want to.
I remember a few times hoping it would kill me!
Somehow I always, always felt better afterwards.
Ok, it takes an hour or two to feel it - but the benefits are unmistakable.

Exercise is the brain's best bet for life-long health AND recovery from injury.
We were designed to work physically everday anyways - only recent humans have been allowed so much laziness.
The body serves to heal the brain, my friend.

I am four days from ONE year since my last dose of MDMA.
I am a week from one year since my 'comedown' or serotonin syndrome.

And I can honestly say that in the last month, things have really improved.
I wouldn't have beleived it at month 10, either.
But sure enough, it feels like a transition of some kind.

I find the cognitive changes are increasing with time...and sometimes I have modest memory issues that last a day or two.
But the suffering is WAY less than it was two months ago.
The days that I don't feel so good are quite relaxing compared to what they used to be.
I have no problem watching a movie or reading a book or laying around when I'm not feeling great.
And some days I am very pleased to be alive.
I just went to Six Flags and rode quite a few rollercoasters.
And my adrenal system is definately working!
Ok...there is a modest difference still, a slight decrease in fear.
But I was thrilled, and scared, and exhilerated....human.

I firmly believe that this will continue to improve, slowly.
I can finally smoke weed without worrying about how many hits I take.
That is a big deal, because it used to be quite a risk.
Now it seems to be pretty predictable.

I got hints of the coming change starting at about 10.5 months.
By month 11, I was sure that something was different.
Now, I am hopeful for a real transition, a change into another phase of recovery.
I will be sure to post my progress in the next month or two.
If you want a direct report, just send me a message.

You are going to make it, Thizzin.
You are already past the hardest part.
I know, it is still relentless - but it WILL end.
This is supported by LOTS of research - people recover around 12 months, sometimes 18...if its MDMA.
Even with major brain injury, people can make amazing progress over many years!
So no matter what happened to you, you are going to be OK.
I promise.

Your personality and cognition may be altered, but you will NOT continue to suffer.
I am certain of this.
I have read stories of people suffering for FIVE years due to SSRI discontinuation.
We are talking full anhedonia - laying in bed all day and night...not interacting with anyone.
But for one person, it just started getting better.
Within weeks they were exercising and having sex, after YEARS of being a 'robot'.

It makes sense that you think this is never going to end.
The brain needs to truly believe it is permanent, in order for the endocrine system to make the appropriate changes.
Until you are convinced your suffering will never stop, you cannot reach the next plateau.
When it hurts the most, you are making the most progress.
Believe it.