I'm at the end of the line..

[PsychicDawn]

I can't take this I swear..u can see my story in newbie posts. I managed to lower myself from 3g a day to 1g in 2 days. Worst part is that I have zero support my family disowned me last time I admitted to using and that was 10yrs. They think I have been clean for yrs but still throw it in my face so I can't tell them. I relapsed 2yrs ago after stopping methadone myself. My husband is on it which doesn't help he chose this over me so I am moving out in 2 weeks. I'm afraid it will take forever to recover because I used for 2 yrs at 20yrs old and then methadone for 7yrs then again h for past 2 every day high dose plus 120 oxys. I tried every drug out there but never got hooked but opiates just did it for me I was superwoman until they stopped working. It was so easy to get it too I either got it for free from friends or my client was selling good stuff for only 50 a gram and most times I got it free too in exchange for tarot readings and holistic healing.I know this is last chance otherwise I will start considering needles and I do not want to go there. I can't get methadone it's 7 months wait to get in. Subs haven't worked last time and I tried first week of August but my mental withdrawal was too much.. I was dreaming about them even though I only got 1-2hrs of sleep. My legs were restless even after a week it was hard trying to sit still focus and read tarot for ppl at my job..then i had to go back living w my husband for a while since I could not stay at my moms. He kept trying convincing me to take lil of his he was pushing so hard and on top of it all I found a gram i hid long time ago for bad day.. I couldn't take it my stupid brain convinced me i can take my oxy the way I should and do lil h on weekends. My tolerance was down a lot too. I have bad back injury so the pain wasn't helping either. I had no joy out of live even though I worked my dream job and made insane money. I was depressed and fatigued and by then 2 weeks went by. I called every place possible for help but they had long wait. It was easier to get h than to get help. I did find a doctor that rxed methadone for my back injury he didn't know about my addiction so he gave me week rx until urinalysis comes back then he could give me month. I was clean two weeks I didn't worry about my urine results and i was great taking methadone. But after a week his office called saying he won't rx me anymore. I went to his office and it showed i was positive for h, soma, tramadol, oxy and xanax. I only took oxy n h and that was 2 weeks ago!! I couldn't believe it I cried for days trying to find another dr to rx it but nobody did. I realized that xanax and soma and trams was what my husband was taking. I realized he definitely added it to my food or coffee since he always cooked. I know he did he didn't want me getting clean cuz he knew he would loose me i told him that many times i was looking for a place. I went home and honestly beat the crap out of him. Punched his nose and broke it and black eye. He deserved it he didn't call cops he knew he was wrong n he had shit in house n i had video of him using. What sucks I still live here im back at insane high dose and it's hard finding place on Long Island when u got a dog. Mydog is so small never barks just sleeps allday never has accidents. Only place would be condos but one bedroom w utilities is 1500-1600. If it wasn't for my 1200 bills a month i could do it but i can only pay 1100 the most. My bills are big cuz we bought brand new car we both supposed to pay under my name cuz his credit sucks and ever since i got it he gave nothing towards it and its 600 a month plus 160 insurance. Idk what to do I want to give up soo bad. I can't b fatigued, anxious, not sleep and depressed for a long time cuz I'm about to open my own business. I'm afraid he will add shit to my food he still denies it. We fight bad each day he has no money no car cuz he totalled 2 being high under my insurance of course. He makes 1000 after taxes a week yet he wears same clothes from 10yrs he doesn't clean hes dirty plays games all night never has enough for his rent so I have to chip in. Idk if I should tell his family n do intervention I'm worried he gets to point of nodding standing up and falling and is delusional thinking I'm cheating when I have no friends and home after work. He even posted on fb for my clients to see that I left him for a guy named Bob. I got phone calls n txts nasty ones too..lost customers. Idk I'm so lost he saved my life last December when I went into seizure and died. I feel i owe him at least that..but im scared. Two of his friends called his mother that lives upstate telling her he does h but each time he convinces her it's not true. I am psychic too i saw his future i saw him loosing his job and apartment and starting needles. My visions are always correct. What would you do? He says he will stop in January he's not ready yet it still makes him feel great. He only been doing it less than a yr. he doesn't believe me it leads to needles it will not work it will make him feel tired and unmotivated and depressed. Even after all this I said i will give him a chance if he gets clean this month before i find a place to live but he said no he chose h over me. He says he didn't choose that it was my choice ughh..he doesn't see how he changed at all..he calls this his medicine he says he needs it cuz of 7 herniated discs then he says he can't stop now cuz he will get fired. Messed up priorities..and I begged his boss in August to give him week off and we were both supposed to withdraw. I even got him xanax, neurontin, subs..but he didn't look sick after 3 days and his dealer called me saying my hubs called 2nd day begging to bring 1g to house and he did. I felt betrayed..and of course my hubs swore on my life it's a lie but I knew it wasn't especially when I brought drug test n he refused. Week later he wasn't even hiding anymore did it in front of me saying it's my fault since i was going to leave him he had no reason to stop. He won't stop anytime soon I know it. I don't want to give up we are married I'm traditional marriage is through thick and thin. Everyone says im nuts I should divorce after all he did..what should I do??

 

[DETROIT*edm*JUNKIE]

I really think you should maybe go to a treatment program or AA or NA.

 

[ggg8282]

Yea, you really need to focus on yourself. You obviously see that your life can not continue this way and need serious professional help. Find a rehab or find another addiction specialist to prescribe what you need. But only focus on yourself right now, and maybe someday your husband will get clean. But you will find it almost impossible to get clean and stay clean while married to an addict.

 

[crackingBozo]

It's sad that you cannot count on your family for support and your husband is aggravating your misery. But for you to focus on getting clean, you need to eliminate all temptations and surround yourself with things and people who can keep you on track. Having said that, in my opinion, you should not live with your husband, at least not until he is sober. It's hard enough for you to fight addiction by yourself, the last thing you need is someone who pushes you further down the pit. I understand that you owe him your life, but that doesn't give him the right to destroy it.

I feel awful that addiction has also taken its toll on a psychic. I have always had high respect for you guys. Such amazingly gifted people you are. Please keep looking for a treatment facility, you need professional help. When my brother and I searched for a rehab, it wasn't easy as well. Aside from the long wait, he felt alienated by some treatment approaches (he's not religious). But, when we finally found his "match", all the sacrifices paid off.

Stay strong and stay focused.