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I'm at that fork in the road.

C

callmek

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 6, 2012
Messages
13
Location
ohio
Today is day 6 without my doc h.
I have a million thoughts running threw my head.
I keep remembering all the bad in my life right now.
My car is broke down and I really don't have the energy to fix it.
I really want to buy just one bag for the motivation and to just escape for tonight. Will I just restart the process over as far as wd goes if I just buy one lowsey bag?

If i can control myself to just use one bag.just tonight. Is this safe? I have my mind set on quitting this as a daily habbit. I just need advise i guess...
 
Congrats on 6 days, that really is an accomplishment that you should be proud of. :) I'd recommend that you try as hard as you can to keep up the sobriety. I'm sure it's tempting to want to use now, but when it's all over it's something you'd probably end up regretting. Do you have a support network or anyone to talk to about the cravings? Even just writing about it and getting the feelings out can help a lot. Keep us updated to how you're doing. TDS is a great place to come where people will understand what you're going through and will support you.

Sending you lots of love and the best of wishes. <3 <3
 
Congrats on going 6 days. Keep it up, and good luck. You have car trouble, things could be worse, and it's not the end of the world. You already know you shouldn't buy any dope or use any opiates.
 
Congrats callmek, try to stay strong mentally. You r through the worst of the physical part now its just dealing with the emotional part. You say you are at that fork in the road, try taking "the road less traveled by". It will always be easier to score a bag than it is to deal with your problems but the rewards for choosing to be sober are lasting and real where a bag is super temporary. I believe that once you have been an opiate addict you cant use occasionaly that one bag will probly just drag u back down so you have to choose "and sorry I could not travel both, for be one traveler long I stood and looked to where it bent in the undergrowth". Choices in life such as you are facing right now make or break us, they mold us into who we r, if you can make it through all the bullshit addiction puts you through u will come out a stronger person. You can do it brother!
 
I'm in a different situation myself but I can relate to being @ the fork.. I don't want to go into details, but I also, have a millions thoughts. No, way to separate or organize them.. I'm not sure where to turn myself, but I have to figure it out..all I do know is that this is a good place to vent about it.

Congrats on 6 days. :)
 
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don't cop that bag friend. I was at the fork numerous times. but for me the choice was already made. I didn't ask what I should Do, I didn't want help, I had made up my mind already. and I was never able to just buy one bag. one bag turns into a bundle rather quickly. please don't get the bag. you're close to being physically free. you can make it.
 
Not going to lie I teared up reading the responses. I know I'm stronger than this addiction and all your responses helped me a lot. Very little people know of my problem and the story is very long as to why telling family is not a possibility. I have a lot of problems besides the car. I'm a car guy I can fix it.getting the motivation to start is my issue. The holidays are not helping at all either. I somehow always talk my self into One more bag. Wetherthat be to go to work or to clean my room. H just Makes me an all round Better person these days. Its slowly bringing me down though and i see It little Bylittle. Thanks for everyone's support and just listening. It means more than you guys will ever know. I'll keep you posted.
 
Hang in there callmek. Been there.. am there..you made it over the hump though.
 
my old dope dealer contacted me today. he was my main dude and would definitely hook me up for free. I just deleted the text and moved on with my day. your thread came to mind though when I got the text this morning, but I know I can't do just one. stay strong my friend.
 
Don't get that bag because you'll be back to square one. I've been at the fork in the road way too many times. I wanted to use so many times when I had a bit of money in my pocket. But held out because I had bills to pay, groceries, gas, etc. I have been wih friends who would spend their last five dollars to get high and I went foolishly along. Please don't make the mistakes I've made. You will end up feeling like shit with nothing to show for it. Believe me.
 
I did buy one.I broke down. But that was Sunday.been okay since just a little blue. Family noticed I'm not myself and is asking questions. Some energy would be amazing.
 
So u bought a bag...its a small setback but not the end of the world. Keep trying and remember that this is one of the few things in life where the grass really is greener on the other side. I had an extraordinary experience while getting clean that helped me deal with "the blues". I know it is counter intuitive to use a drug when trying to get off another drug but I had read about ibogaine and how it had helped people leave their will to get high behind. I didnt have ibogaine nor wouldI have the guts to have a 24 hour introspection Into my faults, but I thought that somthing along those lines might help me put things into perspective. I tried dmt and it did just that. Dmt was the most intense experience of my life and itmay have saved my life I dunno but during that trip it talked to me in colors and told me that the answer to life and happiness is "it doesn't matter" and it hit me like a ton Of bricks the fact that everything we feel is just chemicals released from our brain. So when I was down I would just tell myself that I am low on seritonin and dopamine and bombarded with cortisol it will pass eventualy ,"it doesnt matter" also gave me a sense of piece about my past, it let me forgive myself which i believe is a huge part of recovery. I will probably never do dmt again but the things I learned from the experience will last a lifetime im not saying its for everyone but it helped me, most of what it did for me I cant even explain to you but thats the beauty of it. I wish u the best of luck buddy keep strong
 
since then been doing good. smoked a little bud, which is very rare for me, but it did help keep my mind stable. It is hard for me to imagine i will never feel the rush again. i mean, i dont know how people go their whole lives without truly living and not trying new things. sometimes i think im going crazy. I cant see myself ever living a normal life working a 9-5 job, (although i do now) i dont want to do this forever. i dont think life is about working your ass off to not be able to afford anything, and work 5 days every week just to have two days of basically just rest. the world around me is crumbling i feel like and their is only one way to escape.....h... but as much as i want it, i wish everyone i knew associated with it would dissapear so i didnt have to worry anymore. i used to be such a happy go lucky person before all this started. but knowing what i know now makes it hard to think i will ever be the person i used to be.
 
Callmek. Your life is somewhat parallel to mine at the moment. I'm 5 days without H. And I didn't get here easily. I am 90% close to loosing my job. Christmas sucked, I had pawned my TV, iphone, computer and was $300 overdrawn in my bank account. I sat here in my apartment counting the days until my check came in the mail - 5 DAYS. 5 DAYS I HAD TO SIT WITH MY PITIFUL SELF. It was the longest week. I had smokes, 1 tab of Suboxone and 2 xanax to hold me over. I kept telling myself, "you did this, you are alone and broke because of yourself". I then just white knuckled it and treated it like the flu. I have to say, I made a promise to myself that if I could get through I would never be in that space again. Never allow myself to be that broke, that sick and that lonely. My family totally knew and would not lend me a dime (good for them). So, today I got my check......crossroads.
I made a promise to myself. I'm holding to it. It's hard, but I will keep coming here for support when I get the urge. It's hard, but last week was fucked up.
Cheers to you.
 
Very interesting Josh. I have watched every documentary on DMT and Ibogaine (spirit molecule is one of my faves) and I don't think I could look at my dark side for 24 hours, I am well aware of what a piece of shit I was in the past, but the DMT and the miracles it has done for people is amazing. Hell, my Sub doctor is in favor of it. I mean, DMT is already in our brain to begin with.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I enjoyed your post and the "it doesn't mater" rings very true.
Thanks for posting.
~Gingergirl
 
Gingergirl- I never did H but I quite in a somewhat similar situation to yours where i wasnt really planning to quite even tho i wanted to for years, I live in a small town so there arent to many dealers and there r only so many pills to go around. We hit a dry periode and all I had were a few methadone which never get me high but will stave off withdrawls, after takin methadone for 4 days I broke the cycle of getting high and decided to cold turkey it. I didnt get outta bed for almost 2 weeks but once I was halfway through I knew I would just "white knuckle" it and be free...u can do it too so be proud of your 5 days. As far as the dmt it didnt show me my dark side it didnt need to I had been living it, what it did do is allow me to forgive myself for the time I had wasted and the things I had done although I never really did anything like steal for my habbit but I had hit my rock bottom. Dmt gave me a new vigor in my life that I needed to push through the hard times. I dont believe in god but dmt spoke to me I really dont know what to make of it. There was a point where things were so incomprehencibly intense that I didnt know if I existed but in that moment I felt as scared as I had ever felt then I just opend up and embraced the fear which then turned into the greatest happiness I ever felt and then I couldnt tell the difference and that is when it told me "it doesnt matter". Dmt is not for everyone just as skydiving is not for everyone they call it the bungie jump of psychadelics, but I believe that the people who are ready to surrender to it and see what it has to show them can definitely benefit from it. I wish you the best and just take things one day at a time focusing on what you r doing to go foreward in this moment because what happend yesterday "it doesnt matter" and tomarrow isnt a guarantee.
Rooting for u and callmek feel free to pm me if either of you just need a little support I know I may not have made it without support from a few very special bluelighters.
 
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