i'm an idiot. i relapsed a day before my PO appointment

[Stay.Blazed.420]

So our last appointment was two weeks ago on a friday. I had three hoots of marijuana budder and i was terrified i was going to get piss tested and go to jail.. I did the certo jelly mix + tons of water and ate alot of beef jerky. She didn't test me - however i went to the local headshop and bought a U-test (most expensive test kit they had) to see if i would have failed.. The results on the test were negative.

Then she rescheduled my next appointment for tomorrow. (usually it's once every week, but this time she waited two weeks) I had stayed clean since tuesday so the opiates would be out of my system by tomorrow.

First let me say - my PO and i have a great relationship going on, she's never piss tested me once and i got out of jail on the 29th of april and have been seeing her once a week. I haven't smoked weed at all except for that one time (and once before).. (and it was after 55 some days). I have no idea whether she is going to be piss testing me tomorrow. I've impressed her with my job and the work i've been doing, she's even letting me leave the city to go camping next weekend! When i asked her, she said - 'well since things have been going great lately yes i will write you a permit to leave the city for two nights).
I don't even know how sure i am she will test me.. This is exactly what happened last time.. I thought she was going to (especially since last time i tried to reschedule it but she refused so i was certain she was going to be testing me, but it was just a usual appointment and she was impressed with the work i've been doing). I could be 20% sure, 50% sure or.. i dunno.. I have no idea whether she will be testing me.

I'm still not 100% sure she's testing me.. She's given me no signs that she will be testing me.. But i stayed clean for these days so i could be safe rather than sorry but i fucked up, i am so depressed and miserable.. jail would send me to the grave.. I told myself if i ever go back there i'd kill myself.. I've even fantasized about what would go down.. (this might sound fucked up, but - ) if a cop ever was to arrest me i learned how their holsters work and the two safety mechanisms used to prevent the gun from being taken out of their holster.. I would obviously never kill the cop but i would suicide by cop rather than go to jail..

I don't know what kind of support i'm looking for here.. Please no 'you fucked up' or 'dont drop the soap' comments, because that will only worsen my depression.. I am just worried since there is a chance she will be testing me tomorrow... But then again that's what i thought last time when she wouldn't let me reschedule..

She and i get along great, although SOMETIMES i see her partner and the first time i met with her she was a total bitch but after that things have been great because she's been in touch with my mother and my mom says i've been really respectful lately and working hard so now she's not really a bitch anymore.. but the person i see mostly (we'll call her L) is really great and i believe she trusts me..

I'm really scared if i fail i get jail.. HOWEVER when i first met her the first time she said 'if you pass the first test you wont have to take a drug addiction course' (which was april 19th so.. 70 days ago) I still haven't had my first piss test and im just scared why she rescheduled my next appointment for two weeks instead of one.. I talked to her on the phone yesterday and had my appointment rescheduled from today to tomorrow because i originally thought our appointment was on friday but i was mistaken. I acted total nonchalant and said i'll be working and its not a big deal if we reschedule or not, it's just i could be making money. If you can't book me in friday then the original day is still fine with me.. She didn't sound sketchy at all and was just like 'sure that works - so long as you're making money' and i said 'yup my boss said it will be busy that day' and she said it was totally fine. Then i asked to go to the lake later that day and thats when she said that since things have been going really well lately that i could go..

by the way, i took hydromorphone.. i never had a po until i got picked up on a breach of possession of said drug before.. since i got picked up that night i've had a po and in my conditions it says drug testing on demand.

if i fail should i just come clean and say i'm depressed because me and my girlfriend broke up and i was being stupid and needed something to numb the pain for a bit and that i regret it? I mean - my piss is going to be water tomorrow but i just want to make sure if she re tests me a few hours later or something that i have a some-what reasonable excuse as to why i fell back into drugs and i'd ask if i can get into that drug addictions course instead of jail.

also would i even go to jail if i fail my FIRST drug test ever?

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hi Stay.Blazed, please keep in mind that we don't allow discussion of "how to beat drug tests" anywhere on Bluelight. So I've edited those parts out.

Please also be aware that you have a Blogs section on your profile which is visible to other members and is very useful for documenting stuff like this, as you can update it to reflect anything that changes or progess in your current situation. I encourage you to use the Blogs function as I think it will be helpful for you to write out all your thoughts and feelings "on paper" so to speak.

Good luck with everything, and I hope you either did not get tested, or it came back negative.