im almost there....

[Fatjosh]

hey everyone, i know i haven't been around much since my last posts a few months ago. life has been rough, and my opiate habit got to an all time high, i was eating 270mg of roxis in one big dose then snorting another 60-90mg as boosters on most nights, then i came across a good deal of dilaudid at a price u wouldnt believe if i told u which was being mixed in and some nights and if i had no oxy i would eat 120mg of hydromorphone and snort a few more on top and a few days of cheeking half of a 100mcg fent patch at a time it has just been crazy. but im three days into my detox, and im going to do it this time. i finally found some methadone which i did a quick 6 day taper with and i have survived on immodium, xanax weed and nyquil for the last three nights and it hasnt been as bad as i thought it would be but im guessing thats more linked to the length of time i have been on them compared to last time. last time i kicked i was on opiates for 4 years this time it was only 8 months. if things dont get too much worse i got this in the bag. i am being careful with the benzos i know from last time not to use them as a crutch for too long i just need to get through the acute phase because for some reason i get the most extreme pink cloud syndrome when i finally come out of withdrawl, i remember telling people last time that there isnt anything that could make me upset or fuck with my mindset, but after a year i got complacent and let my fiance cheating on me throw me back into opiate addiction, i will not let that happen again. im not supposed to be like this, there is soo much life in me im supposed to be so much more than this and i just cant wait to prove it. i guess this was all me just venting and looking for the encouraging words i have received in the past as the only person around me that knows is my girlfriend.thanks in advance to everyone in the darksider community

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I need to get off my arse and go do some positive action for my own life so I can't say too much, but it sounds like you're doing great and taking control of your life.

I would stop worrying about what you're 'supposed' to be if I were you, I only end up in a worse place mentally when I start think about what I'm 'supposed' to be. Your enthusiam for getting out there improving your life is really great, but I would think less of it as proving to the world what you are and just think of it as doing what you want to do to move yourself towards the place you want to be and away from where you don't want to be. You don't owe the world anything in the way of proving yourself, your past failures are done and hopefully you will be judged on your actions from here on in. Just start living the life you want to and the recognition from the people you want and the rewards you desire will surely folllow.

Good luck, I need to move my arse now.

 

[herbavore]

I know what you mean, fatjosh, about feeling the motivation to improve your life, to get yourself unstuck--and there is certainly nothing at all wrong with that! But it is also true that the key verb in phrases like "what I was meant to be" or "I could be so much more" etc is the verb 'to be'. People skip over this place of simply being--simply feeling what it means to be oneself in one's own physical body without judgment--and jump directly to being 'something'. Acceptance of the authentic self is a difficult and slippery proposition but it's worth a meditative attempt at it every day. Just a calm and relaxed peace with yourself--knowing that you are always there, always stable, finding your power within regardless of your external circumstances.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I'm not discounting your personal experience or opinion, but stimulants are the last thing I want when I'm going through opiate withdrawal.

 

[Fatjosh]

thank you all for your input and encouragement.

omen- i get how it came across as looking for others approval but really it is far from it, i want to be so much more for me, im an atheist i dont believe in a plan set by a higher power and other peoples opinions mean little to me . i was always a great student in highschool, i partied but i was always the responsible one, i never skipped class kept a 3.5 gpa and was always under the impression that i would be a stable person. my father lost his battle with cancer two days befor i graduated highschool and dealing with that led me to our medicine cabinet which was stocked from having a cancer patient in the house and that along with not being able to get financial aid cause of my dads life insurance money derailed my plans for college. after four years addicted to opiates i got clean on july 29 2012 and within months i was thriving emotionally but august first 2013 turned my world upside down when i caught my fiance of 6 years cheating on me, she is my first love and it demolished me so back down the road of addiction i went until 5 days ago when i finally jumped off again, now i just want to get back on track and back in school to make somthing of myself, for me because i need to be successfull because i have too many expensive hobbies lol.

herbavore- let me first say that it is so very nice to hear from you, you are a very special person and your kind words have always helped lift the spirits of myself and countless others. you are right about just being ok with yourself, and that is how i felt when i got clean last time, i felt love for myself and it was wonderful, as an addict this time i loathed myself for letting myself travel this road to nowhere the road iv already been down. it really was such a disappointment. I am going to fix my life, and start over as a fresh person. i really am thankful for one thing having been an addict, i dont judge anyone not for anything or any situation. in this crazy life dealing with drug dealers and the street crowd i have met killers whos hearts are bigger than you could imagine, "junkies" smarter than med students and straight laced people who have never wanted for anything in life who have a colder heart than any i have met on the street. there are things in life that you only learn through hard times, i hold back tears knowing that as i feel that i have suffered others would kill for the bedroom in this rundown house that i live in and the oportunities i have.

firsttime- im not in to stimulants i had an adderal 30 xr given to me just last week and gave it away a few days later cause stims just arent my thing i have a hard enough time sleeping as it is, but thank you for your input.

 

[Maya]

Thats good to hear fatjosh! Goodluck again with a full recovery. Sending my will power and positive vibes to you!

 

[Fatjosh]

thank you maya i feel the vibes buddy

 

[herbavore]

i really am thankful for one thing having been an addict, i dont judge anyone not for anything or any situation. in this crazy life dealing with drug dealers and the street crowd i have met killers whos hearts are bigger than you could imagine, "junkies" smarter than med students and straight laced people who have never wanted for anything in life who have a colder heart than any i have met on the street. there are things in life that you only learn through hard times, i hold back tears knowing that as i feel that i have suffered others would kill for the bedroom in this rundown house that i live in and the oportunities i have.

Yeah, I hear you, Josh. At my son's memorial when we asked everyone to write down one word that most described what he had been for them or had given or shown them, my word was 'teacher'. My son led me into a world I never wanted to go into--the world of addiction. In that world I have met and witnessed humanity at its worst and humanity at its best. All my stereotypes flew out the window and I would never have seen that were it not for him. He was my teacher in many ways, as all kids are to their parents, but he was a particularly honest and direct kid and I thank him every day for the lessons I am still learning because of him.

Never forget that you are one of those people that you describe with a 'heart of gold'. You can get free again and when you do you can concentrate on finding ways to get through pain that don't involve numbing your emotions or masking them. They really aren't so scary when you strip them down of all the self-defeating thoughts we all like to pile on them. Fear, anger, loneliness, hopelessness--those all come and go easily when you learn not to attach the negative thoughts to them. I admire your will and drive to do this and I know that you will.

 

[Fatjosh]

herbavore- wow today i am extremely emotional not in a bad way but in the way most experience coming off opiates. your last response made my hairs stand on end and made me tear up (i kno im a big baby) when you talk about your son my heart pours out to you as my life was greatly affected by suicide as my dad chose to leave this world befor i was born. i even read the poem you wrote recently in the word section, the imagery you conveyed there was great but heartbreaking at the same time, it was morbid but in a beautiful way when u described your son i was at a loss for words i could not even comment on it. i dont know if i have a heart of gold but i do think im a good person. i feel free again, and you are right i really do have to find a way to deal with these emotions because while i love my girlfriend im not 100 percent sure we will stay together, and whether i break it off or its her i know it is going to hurt really bad she is my first love and we have been together over 6 years and lived together for 5 i have spent a quarter of my life with her, i hope one day i can handle my emotions as you described. thank you sooo much for the encouragement you really are a special person. you give so much to this community it is truely awe inspiring and if anyone has a heart of gold in this world it is you